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to consider taking dcs down under without dh?!

(58 Posts)
bedraggledmumoftwo Tue 13-Oct-15 09:48:14

Two very good friends of ours are finally tying the knot, but just got the invite and it is in six months in new Zealand as one of them is a kiwi. Bit of a shock but I was talking to dh and saying it is a bit inconvenient and short notice but we have to go as they are some of our best friends (both of them), godparents to our children, we have been hassling them about getting married for years since she caught the bouquet at our wedding etc etc. At this point I am pretty sure he agreed with me, even said something about doing some work in the office over there, and we both sat down and showed dd1 a globe and explained where it was, and why we were going. Then I started looking at flights.

Later dh got really stressy with me and said he didn't think we could go and that he hadn't agreed really I think he did but got worked up later and accused me of stressing him out looking at flights when the bottom line is we can't go. He is going for a promotion at work and doesn't know whether there will be something he needs to go to in six months (long drawn out process) and said if he signed up to going then it was like tempting fate and assuming he hadn't got the promotion.

Now I am torn. Luckily I haven't yet replied to say we would definitely be coming (nearly did after our first discussion) but at the same time I still feel that we should really go for all the previous stated reasons. I am pretty sure that at some point they were talking about wedding location and we encouraged them to have it there and said we would definitely come!

So now I am considering going without him, with my two dds (will be 2 and 4) which would obviously be pretty stressful for me, 24 hour flights and all, or toying with the idea that my mum could come.

So aibu to even consider taking them halfway round the globe without him? I am really torn because they are really good friends and I dont want to say no, but don't want to stress dh out any more than he already is.

Blinkinwinkin Tue 13-Oct-15 10:01:50

Your friends are being unreasonable in expecting friends with small children and full time jobs to turn up at a wedding in six months time at the total opposite end of the world.

If friends of mine announced it at such short notice, I'd assume they were keen to keep it small, family-only and were hoping for a quiet affair. This is the sort of wedding you tag onto a holiday of a lifetime, where the whole family would go there, and stay at least 2-3 weeks. (really no point in going to NZ for any time less, unless it's a business trip) So you would be managing alone with kids for at least two weeks, I'd imagine?

Speaking as someone who has travelled to NZ with a 3 year old, (but with hubby in tow) I would not go to the trouble or expense. Really close friends will totally understand that this is asking way too much of you all. I'd hold a lovely celebration with them on their return instead.

bedraggledmumoftwo Tue 13-Oct-15 11:01:42

Thanks blinkin, I think when we encouraged them we were assuming it would be with much more notice and we would make an extended trip, but they want babies and her clock is ticking, so I can understand the hurry!

Kewcumber Tue 13-Oct-15 11:07:32

I don;t think 6 months is short notice. Really it isn't. I wouldn't plan a holiday more than 3 months ahead and this isn;t in all honesty any differnt for you than a holiday.

How about suggesting to him that you wait until 3 months then book.

Also it depends on the money - if you can afford to go then suggest that you and the children go and he can book his tickets later. Can you afford for your mum to go if he can;t make it - then book two adult and two childrnes and pay a nominal fee to change from his name to your mums if it becomes necessary.

Presumably you want to go just because you want to go, not becuase your friends are pressurising you? So saying they shouldn't expect you to go on six months notice is a bit irrelevant isn't it?

OffMyAyersRocker Tue 13-Oct-15 11:12:37

Yabu and l say that as someone from Australia who has done the flight with small dd on my own.

No freaking way would l do it for a wedding. I do it because I'm going home.

KitZacJak Tue 13-Oct-15 11:21:36

Could you have a discussion with your friend and explain that your husband won't know about attending until closer to the time due to work. Say you really want to go but are unsure about taking the children on such a long journey on your own. They might have some flexibility with the wedding venue for final numbers.

FluffyNinja Tue 13-Oct-15 11:22:55

I wouldn't go if DH couldn't come too. I think it could cause difficulties in your relationship if you put your mutual friends wishes above his need for promotion or job security.

It's a lot of money to commit to a family holiday if it's something you're not likely to be repeating as a family. Visiting family members living overseas on your own is marginally better as its likely you'd return there in the future, but not for a one-off wedding.

Our DS1 got married overseas and my DH cut short the holiday to return for a job interview. I stayed with DS2 and returned ten days later. DH didn't get the job and has often felt disappointed about missing out on the rest of the trip. Due to health issues, we're not likely to repeat the trip.

To the poster saying it's unreasonable to book long haul holidays more than 3 months in advance. What planet are you on?

PennyHasNoSurname Tue 13-Oct-15 11:25:48

Well you want to go, and presumably can afford it (as you dont mention money at all in your post), so YANBU at all to go, and if you think you can manage the kids then fine. If DH doesnt want to go, and really he needs to commit either way, could you use the money you would have spent on his ticket on someone else who can come along as help with the dcs? Your mum or a sister.

flashheartscanoe Tue 13-Oct-15 11:39:30

Maybe you should consider going by yourself for 10 days. Could your mum come and help with the kids? The kids are too young to remember it anyway and you could have a blast with old friends...My DH did this when his best friend got married in Australia. We were pleased one of us made it and it meant a lot to the groom.

Kewcumber Tue 13-Oct-15 11:46:17

To the poster saying it's unreasonable to book long haul holidays more than 3 months in advance. What planet are you on?

Umm... I didn't say that it was unreasonable to book more than 3 months in advance - I said 6 months didn't seem unreasonable and I don't book more than 3 months in advance (OK on reflection maybe 4 or 5 if long haul). I wasn't saying it was unreasonable for someone else to book as long in advance as they want to - just that I don;t think 6 months is "short notice" - I thought she was going to say 3 weeks!

And I live on Planet Single Parent by the way.

ShellingPeasAgain Tue 13-Oct-15 11:50:40

I wouldn't do it. My family lives in NZ and I flew there with 2 kids of 3 and 6, by myself. Never again. I didn't sleep for 2 days as flights left at 11pm, if one child was sleeping the other was awake, older DS was really stressed by the time spent in the aircraft. I was so wiped out that the first week was pretty much wasted.

To get the best prices you need to book around a year in advance so 6 months notice not ideal. Say thanks, but no thanks.

Kewcumber Tue 13-Oct-15 11:54:47

To get the best prices you need to book around a year in advance so 6 months notice not ideal.

If you can't get prices you can afford with 6 months notice then it's an easy decision.

BarbarianMum Tue 13-Oct-15 11:55:24

Considering it with your dh's blessing is one thing. Telling him that you are going without him is another. Personally I'd have been gutted if dh went to New Zealand without me and no way would I have been happy about him taking the kids. But that's just me.

On a separate note, have a good hard think about the logistics of you plus 2 small children travelling so far, dealing with jet lag etc etc. Sounds like hell to me, although I'm sure it can be done by people with small children who will sit down for hours at a time Another alternative would you all going to visit at a later date. Or you going to the wedding alone.

bedraggledmumoftwo Tue 13-Oct-15 11:55:53

I have been toying with the idea of taking my mum along to help as she is always hinting about wanting to go on holiday with us but my dh isn't keen!

I got really excited about it after our first discussion, when dh seemed on board, so yes I do want to go, and I tried to get dh to find out about whether it might be possible for him but he said the timetable wont be decided yet and I think he has made up his mind that it would be an ordeal even if he could.

Dh and I have been before, and I think it is somewhere we would take the girls as a family when they are much older, so it wouldn't be a one off that he was missing out on. I do have friends in that part of the world that I could visit, as does my mum.

We could afford it, the couple know we aren't badly off, but we usually pay for long haul flights with air miles, which would need to have been booked six months ago for somewhere like this.

starfishmummy Tue 13-Oct-15 11:56:43

He obviously doesn't want to go.
My suggestion would be that your mother moves in with dh and the dc for a month and you go on your own, combining wedding with holiday of a lifetime.

bedraggledmumoftwo Tue 13-Oct-15 12:03:55

I wouldn't be demanding to go, I would obviously ask him and wouldn't go if he was completely against. I did mention it to him before but in a "I could go and take the girls, but that would be madness for 24 hour flights" kind of way, discounting it as a possibility. Since then i have been thinking that it could be done or that my mum could come, but i haven't spoken to dh about it again as he is in a different time zone collecting some more airmiles! And i don't want to stress him out unnecessarily so i thought i would gauge opinion on here.

honeyroar Tue 13-Oct-15 12:05:06

I'm another who doesn't think it's short notice, but that's just me. I am cabin crew, and I do think it's a heck of a journey to do on your own with two small children. I see lone mothers struggling a lot on long trips and don't think it's a good idea if it's not a vital trip.

You really need to talk to your husband. Discuss you going alone, ask him how he feels. Tell him everything you have said on here. Then, if he's ok about it (ie, if he's not upset and feeling left out and if you can afford it) speak to your mum, see if she's happy doing such a long journey. It's a bit different to nipping on holiday with you on a shorter destination with you, it won't be easy or relaxing!

bedraggledmumoftwo Tue 13-Oct-15 12:06:15

Starfishmummy, I do love that idea but I think dh would hate the idea and I would obviously miss the dds and have only ever left them for three or four days before.

PennyHasNoSurname Tue 13-Oct-15 12:14:39

DH flew out to NZ for his best friends wedding just after dds first birthday. I stayed behind with dd, and he was away fro three weeks. Some friends are very important to us, and this friend especially, so I pretty much insisted DH go. Me and DD going would have tripled the flight costs at least (as he was flying solo he could handle longer layovers etc), and he could sofa surf whereby we would all need a Hotel etc.

A supportive DH wpuld (if fomamces werent an issue) help any way he could to enable you to be there for someone special in your life.

AnotherCider Tue 13-Oct-15 12:37:35

2 and 4 year olds on a long haul flight on your own? Are you mad??!! I've flown to Australia (home to see family) numerous times with the DC and this was the worst age. Too old to sleep lots, too young to be entertained by anything. It was exhausting and only the fact that my sister took over at the other end while i collapsed in a heap for a few days made it tolerable.

lushaliciousbob Tue 13-Oct-15 13:17:32

I personally think I would go. Only you know what sort of children you have, some cope better with calm activities. I would really try to take your mum though, for an extra pair of hands. But I don't think it's disastrous. I would definitely do this for my close friends.

HelenaJustina Tue 13-Oct-15 13:24:36

If your DH is staying at home why can't the DC stay with him and you can have a fabulous trip on your own!'?

bedraggledmumoftwo Tue 13-Oct-15 13:33:25

Helena, lol, dh works ridiculous hours and works away most of the time anyway so if I were to go alone I would have to sign my mum or mil up to look after the dc. Secretly loving the idea of a fabulous trip of my own, but wouldn't really want to leave the dc for too long.

If I could time the flights to go over at the same time as the bride and groom or a mutual friend I could get them to help distract the kids on the plane at least.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Tue 13-Oct-15 13:45:36


On the front of you being unreasonable to go solo with your 2DC to NZ for a few weeks, I would say YANBU, I go from Australia to the UK every year on my own with first one DS and now 2 DSs. Ok, there is a 5y age gap between them, so it's a little bit easier - DS1 is a real old hand at it now, and even Ds2 has got into the swing of it after 3 trips. A lot depends on your children, I guess! taking your mum might be a good compromise.

On the front of you going without your DH - well it depends on whether he really wants to go and it sounds like he doesn't - but I don't see why you should miss out just because he doesnt' want to go. DH doesn't want to come to the UK with us (He's the Aussie) but he doesn't like us to be away for too long, so we usually go for 3.5-4weeks.

Would I go without the DC - no, not for long anyway, not voluntarily (something I live in fear of is my Dad becoming ill and me having to go at short notice back to the UK) - and for me, it's not worth travelling all that way for less than 2 weeks.

Dunno if any of that helps!

flashheartscanoe Tue 13-Oct-15 13:50:45

Tell the bride and groom you and the kids are going on the same flight as them so they can help with the kids. They will probably decide to get married in the UK after all.grin

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