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I feel sick about sending Ds to nursery that referred me to SS.

(258 Posts)
FlameProofBoots Mon 12-Oct-15 19:08:04

I'm a bit worried about posting in AIBU so I've got my flame proof boots and pants on.

AIBU to feel like this?

A couple of weeks ago I hurt myself and had to spend a night in the hospital. I have MH issues and social services have already assessed us and moved on.

My parents took my youngest to nursery on the morning of my hospital stay and told the nursery owner I'd taken an overdose.

The nursery owner made a referral to social services and they've now put us on the 'child in need' bracket and we now have a social worker. The sw went through the referral with me and it was awful.

She's stated that I took an OD and slashed my wrists in front of the children (not true) and then went on to list her other concerns. She mentioned that Ds has been in pjs when I've brought him in (true, he's a clothes refuser and twice I've had to bring him in pjs or not go at all) and that as he is often distressed at drop off time he is emotionally disturbed by my illness. She also said that she has tried to talk to me and dh about this but we've blanked her. This is categorically not true.

Basically she's added 2+2 and come up with about 500. It's all conjecture (she must have heard 'overdose' and gone into overdrive) and linking things that have nothing to do with it.

The sw is going to talk to all three kids at school and then go from there. He went through the referral and amended and made notes as we spoke so I'm hopeful the whole thing will blow over.

Tomorrow is ds's first day back there since I read the referral and I'm feeling sick about seeing her when she obviously thinks I'm a suicidal abusive horror. There's every chance I'll be taking him in pjs again as he refused clothes at home today and she'll be judging me, even though they've previously said bringing him in pjs is fine.

This has rocked me a lot and I feel like hiding away and never facing her again, but Ds loves nursery and they are good in lots of ways.

How can I deal with this?

Leavingsosoon Mon 12-Oct-15 19:09:28

I would NOT send my child back! I don't understand why this would even cross your mind.

FlameProofBoots Mon 12-Oct-15 19:18:45

I have to send him. The Sw was very clear on me maintaining the status quo with the children and made a point of telling me an anecdote about a parent who was mentally ill and kept her children off school and how terrible that was.

Until he's spoken to all the children I have to toe the line, I'm not risking being seen as obstructive.

goawayalready Mon 12-Oct-15 19:19:49

why did your parents tell them you took an overdose are they very concerned about you?

can i ask what you did? i mean did you actually slash your wrists?

i know how you feel my children have fortunately just been downgraded to the child in need bracket from "at risk" ds school is awful they are so unsupportive and stick there noses in where it is uncalled for she basically stated today my son is too shy and needs to tell the school everything going on at home the social worker mitigate it somewhat by stating he talks to her very openly but the school safety officer stated she is concerned about my (speech delayed two year old) not making disclosures to the school and my shy six year old not disclosing to the school even when there is nothing to actually disclose and he is SHY

in my experience primary school safety officers get too much input (she has no actual contact with my son and just makes things up from what "her" staff tell her)

1+1 =1000000000000000000000!

BrandNewAndImproved Mon 12-Oct-15 19:22:47

Don't send your dc back there.

SaucyJack Mon 12-Oct-15 19:22:56

In the nicest way, YABU.

I've been there myself, and I deeply resented it too but looking back it was entirely appropriate.

If you are at the point that you are OD'ing, then I do think you and the children need support.

Take care xx

yankeecandle4 Mon 12-Oct-15 19:23:06

As far as I know the nursery have just done their job. Any child with a suicidal parent (as far as I am aware, but stand to be corrected) should be referred to SS.

Your issue should be with the SW. If you did take an OD (sorry this was not clear from your OP, you said you hurt yourself?) then it is up to you to prove to SS that you are in a well enough state to look after the children, and that they are not likely to witness anything that they shouldn't.

I would send ds back into nursery as usual and hold your head high. Try to persuade him to put clothes on as this will be in your favour. But reiterate to SW that nursery gave you the green light for him to be in pyjamas.

All the best x

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream Mon 12-Oct-15 19:24:35

But surely if your mental health is bad enough for you to OD, then you SHOULD have a SW? Not to take the kids away, obvs, but to keep an eye that's everythings going along ok?

BrandNewAndImproved Mon 12-Oct-15 19:24:35

School is different from nursery there is no law about missing nursery.

Can you get a free half hour with a solicitor to understand your rights and what they can and can't do.

LIZS Mon 12-Oct-15 19:24:35

It is important that you cooperate with ss. Nursery have a duty of care regarding safeguarding issues. If there have been other problems it is possible the incident tipped them over to make a referral. Can you arrange a meeting with nursery manager, possibly taking parent or dh along, to take a more proactive stance to support your Ds. Are you having some counselling too?

cestlavielife Mon 12-Oct-15 19:26:20

Your medical reports will confirm what actually happened. Just cooperate as ss might be able to offer support.

museumum Mon 12-Oct-15 19:27:33

To be honest once your parents had said what they did to your nursery they did have to be concerned for your ds.
It sounds like you genuinely believe there's no risk to your children at all and hopefully the sw will agree but tbh I think the nursery had to act even though it does sound like they may have exaggerated.
When things are resolved, please ask your sw to feed back to the nursery and stop any misunderstandings at their end.

DaimYou Mon 12-Oct-15 19:27:55

Can I clarify? You feel that the nursery have exaggerated, butcthrcfacts are that you took an overdose and/or cut yourself, ds sometimes arrives in pjs and is often distressed?

There may well be good reasons for some of it, but it would be very wrong if they hadn't made the report and allowed it to be properly investigated.

Why did your parents tell them you'd od'd if you hadn't?

RoseWithoutAThorn Mon 12-Oct-15 19:29:15

You "hurt yourself.
Your child is being taken to nursery in Pj's.
You have previously had SW input.

I can completely understand why a referral was made. I was a CP social worker for many years before going into education. From your post I'd be concerned about your child.

DrasticAction Mon 12-Oct-15 19:29:53

in my experience primary school safety officers get too much input (she has no actual contact with my son and just makes things up from what "her" staff tell her)

Op I feel for you, its scary when people start to interfere in your life and race ahead with presumptions.

what you have done however is quite extreme and worrying for all concerned, do remember this!
I agree hold head high

FlameProofBoots Mon 12-Oct-15 19:30:43

I did take a small overdose and superficially cut my arms. It wasn't a suicide attempt. The duty psychiatrist had already made a referral stating this and we'd had a phone call from ss to check in on us.

Then this later referral has put us straight into a different category because it was so dramatic. She said I made an attempt on my life and slashed my wrists, very emotive language. And then adding in that Ds is often distressed and all the other stuff. It feels like a personal attach, I know it probably came from good intentions but I'm bricking it for tomorrow.

maddening Mon 12-Oct-15 19:32:00

I think the problem is the nursery actually lying - saying you slashed your wrists in front of dc and declaring that his distress at being left at nursery is due to his being disturbed by your emotional state - a they are not qualified to make that judgement and b many dc cry and get distressed at drop off where there is no question of the parents mental wellbeing.

I think there should be some recourse where statements are essentially false to ss - the referral should have stated the facts as they know it and ss should feed back imo as the nursery who are professionally required to make such referrals should be able to do so in a professional manner.

Purplepoodle Mon 12-Oct-15 19:32:12

I think the nursery followed the correct protocol if that's what your parents told them. Yes you will have to toe the line for a bit so no missed school, nursery, dentist appointments and Dr appointments kept.

If it's a private nursery like daycare then I don't see a big deal with pjs. If it's a nursery attached to the school in the year before they start school then I think the pj thing would be an issue as they don't have the time and staff to change children.

Purplepoodle Mon 12-Oct-15 19:34:11

I'm sorry but y took and overdose - doesn't matter how small and cut yourself. You should have ss involvement, you need some support as do your children

RochelleGoyle Mon 12-Oct-15 19:35:09

Hi OP. I can empathise with why you're worried about seeing the staff but, imo, not sending him in would be the worst thing you could do. I think all you can do is continue as you were, be honest with the Social Worker and trust that they will liaise with the relevant medical staff re: the circumstances of your hospitalisation. I know it feels like a gross intrusion at a time when you are already feeling vulnerable, but the nursery is obliged to report concerns, whether accurate or not. Take care and I hope you get the support you need.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Mon 12-Oct-15 19:35:40

You're Ill . You do not need your flame proof pants on. You didn't choose MH it chose you.
However saying this to you very gently . The nursery do have a legal duty of care to your son. Legally they have to report concerns. They're not doing it to be malicious.

Waltermittythesequel Mon 12-Oct-15 19:36:08

Aside from them saying that your dc was present when you did it (where they?) I can't see how they've done anything wrong.

Adding all the factors up I think they made the right decision to report.

I hope you feel better soon.

LIZS Mon 12-Oct-15 19:37:47

The fact that you self harmed, seriously or not, in front of dc or not, is symptomatic of a MH issue. That in itself will set alarm bells ringing. You seem to be trying to minimise the incident itself and are quick to dismiss any negative impact on your dc but I wonder if more is going on on the background to trigger this.

FlameProofBoots Mon 12-Oct-15 19:38:46

None of the kids saw me self harm, although they were in the house at the time. I know that's awful. But I didn't slash my wrists or try to kill myself. That was pure conjecture on the part of the manager.

I'll send him tomorrow

Leavingsosoon Mon 12-Oct-15 19:39:25

Oh, I don't know, it sounds taken out of context to me.

You're very brave to send DC in. I wouldn't!

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