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To leave DP because I can't cope with his brother?

(98 Posts)
LyonRoar Thu 08-Oct-15 21:44:20

He has just thrown a glass at me (I moved out of the way and it didn't hit me) and when I went to stop him hurting himself, he spat in my face. This isn't the first time. I just can't cope anymore and I'm worried he is going to hurt my DS's. I don't think he would do it deliberately but when he is angry he just flips out.

I love DP and I do want to be with him, I just don't feel like I can put my kids through this. My eldest heard the shouting and it woke him up. I'm now upstairs in my room with him, trying not to cry while he watches TV.

BIL lives with us full time. He's angry, bad tempered, violent, doesn't sleep and will not eat. He refuses to go to school and just seems so unhappy. He had an awful childhood living with his mum and step dad and social services removed him from there care when he was 9. His dad was in prison at the time, and after a few months in foster care he moved in with my partner (there is 20 years between them, so DP was old enough/in a position to take him in). He has problems since then, but they don't seem to be getting any better, only worse.

I love DP and I do care for his brother, I just can't cope with this anymore. I am supposed to be getting married in April, its the last thing I want to do right now. School are useless, the doctors won't help and DP is struggling with him. I don't know what to do!! sad

Eveysdad Thu 08-Oct-15 21:47:10

If there's even a remote chance your children could be hurt then yes, either he goes or you do.

Hassled Thu 08-Oct-15 21:49:39

How old is he now? Why won't the doctors help? Does your DP fully appreciate that help is needed?

Hygge Thu 08-Oct-15 21:50:59

You have to put your own children first.

You say BIL had a bad childhood, and I'm truly sorry for that. I hope he gets the help and support he needs.

But he's now giving your children a bad childhood of their own.

If he doesn't hurt them physically, he could still harm them emotionally because they are witnessing his bad behaviour and violence.

You can't let them grow up watching him attack you.

rollonthesummer Thu 08-Oct-15 21:52:01

How old is he? What does your DH think?

winchester1 Thu 08-Oct-15 21:53:11

Would ot be worth posting on the step parent board as its more that dynamic than your average bil.
How old is he and your son?
Has he had any counselling?

Inthelookingglass Thu 08-Oct-15 21:53:58

You don't have to break up but for the safety of your children and yourself you need to move out- you could have been blinded or scarred OR it could have been one of your kids.

He sounds as though he is in a bad place and needs counciling but you really need to put your children first. PLUS ss could get involved if one of your kids get hurt.

I'd do it in stages. Move out and see your dp alone and see where that goes.

QuintShhhhhh Thu 08-Oct-15 21:55:01

Protect your children so THEIR childhood is not ruined also.

Is DP your childrens dad? If not, you need to move on, your love for the children should be stronger.

Inertia Thu 08-Oct-15 21:55:28

You have to put your children first. They are now living through a troubled and violent childhood.

I'm guessing that the reason you haven't called the police is because BIL is still a young teenager? Perhaps you actually do need to get the police involved so that the other agencies become involved in supporting your BIL properly?

Junosmum Thu 08-Oct-15 21:56:14

Unfortunately it may be a case of him or your children- I have known older siblings be moved in to care due to the risk they pose to younger siblings, I think your BIL would be viewed in a similar light, and if a parent/carer / guards cannot for whatever reason protect the more vulnerable children then the risk, or the vulnerable could be removed.

I have every sympathy for you BIL and admire you DP for stepping up, however something needs to change to keep you all safe.

Could you live separately but maintain your relationship until either your BIL gets the support he needs or is old enough to maintain his own home?

If you do separate could you trust your DP to keep the children away from BIL when he has contact?

LyonRoar Thu 08-Oct-15 21:57:38

He's 14, nearly 15 (sorry I thought I had mentioned that). We have had meetings with CAMHS but they don't seem to be helping. DP knows we need help and has been the one pushing for it. BIL refused to engage when he was younger but it was DP that has pushed him into going and tried to get him to open up.

With regards to the anger, they have tried to work on it briefly but gave up quite quickly. He has counselling but refuses to really talk about it so there is not much they can do with him. With the eating, the doctor has said its psychological, and while he has been admitted twice to an eating clinic, they have really struggled to help him in the long term. And sleeping is just a joke - he is either up or night, or screaming all night and wetting the bed because he's taken tablets but is still having nightmares. Everything is a battle with him - getting him to school, getting him to eat, getting him to sleep. Its bloody exhausting

He's only in school part time at the minuet and was in trouble again yesterday. His head of year rang DP and ranted at him saying he needs to make him behave or they won't have him back.

I don't want him to think I have given up on him, but I just don't know what to do. I really don't want to risk my own boys.

OutToGetYou Thu 08-Oct-15 22:02:44

Screaming - that sounds unusual.

As he is not your child he could go back into care, can't social services be involved and effect that? He sounds as if he probably needs a special school too.

LyonRoar Thu 08-Oct-15 22:03:11

Sorry, my boys are 2 and 4 - DP is their dad. I don't want to deprive them of him and vice verse. I feel like if I go I will be making DP chose and I really don't want that.

BIL is lovely to the boys, but they do witness things they shouldn't and I feel bad for them, I know it is wrong. DP is better at being able to gauge when BIL is about to explode, and the boys are moved from the room. He has never thrown anything/punched DP with them around either. However I know they hear things, and I know it isn't right for them.

I know I'm going to have to leave sad

OutToGetYou Thu 08-Oct-15 22:03:36

Btw, do it now, before he is 16, it'll be be far harder to get help once he is 16.

Toastedteacakewithbutter Thu 08-Oct-15 22:04:41

Could you see if your local council has a Youth Engagement Service, or a Family Support Service? You may need to do this through children's services or social services, you need to get some help and support for both him and your family.

LyonRoar Thu 08-Oct-15 22:04:51

I don't want him to go back into care, and DP certainly doesn't, we know he will not cope at all. I have been trying to get him to spend more time with his dad (in the hope it will give us a few days break) but they don't really get on.

winchester1 Thu 08-Oct-15 22:05:44

Any way you and your oh could live apart but close by and sell it to bil as a temp thing so he has time with his brother to bond before you become a family?
This would give your kids a break too of course.

defineme Thu 08-Oct-15 22:05:50

How old is he?
There should be measures being taken to get him into school or arrange an alternative form of education...schools get into a lot of trouble if LAC aren't catered for properly (if he was in care he will be still be counted as LA) and they are required to give them extra tuition too.
He may qualify for short breaks/ respite funding that can be in the form of youth clubs/ individual befriender/overnight trips.
social services/childrens services need to know about the violence.
you need to kick up a massive fuss and threaten to put him into care.
I would never advocate keeping kids in a violent situation. However, that has been the case, occasionally, with my kids and their older brother with sn and they have become extremely empathetic lovely kids that often make friends with children who have difficulties.

Stampynono Thu 08-Oct-15 22:07:18

I really don't think it is fair on your DC if you break up their home. As much as BIL has had a hard time and is struggling he is still making those choices to throw things ect.

Does he know how close you are to leaving?

winchester1 Thu 08-Oct-15 22:08:07

Sorry cross post

What is bil interested on? Anything hos brother could engage with -,he has to think of him as a son for the time being and make all the effort.

laundryeverywhere Thu 08-Oct-15 22:12:17

It's terrible they are not helping him or you and you are in a difficult situation with regards to your dc safety and welfare. My heart says you have to find some way to help this poor kid, even if he does have to move out for a while to ensure your dc are safe and not traumatised by his behaviour. But find a way to help him too.

derxa Thu 08-Oct-15 22:19:17

FWIW your DP is lovely as are you. I don't have advice. What a terrible situation. Your BIL is a troubled person and sense your compassion. Your DSs are your priority of course. I have no words. flowers

LizzieMacQueen Thu 08-Oct-15 22:22:26

Where is the mum now? is she still with the step-dad?

What kind of relationship does she have with your DP?

DelphiniumBlue Thu 08-Oct-15 22:26:55

Awful for all of you.

Would it possible to try a different type of counselling, or psychiatric help? I'm using the terms loosely, but if what is currently on offer is not working, something else needs to be tried. I know CBT is often used for children as a first option, but it doesn't always work, because in order for it to do so you need to engage with it. Children often don't have the maturity to do this. If he's under CAMHS it's worth going back to them and asking them what alternatives they can offer.

The school also needs to be offering more support, it might be worth checking with LA whether they are fulfilling their legal obligations towards him, and whether they can force them to do more. He clearly has SEN, and they should be providing support, in the form of mentors, behaviour management and working on improving his self-esteem.

If school won't help, would changing schools be an option? There are schools who are really good at this sort of thing. But he might feel that he could not cope with more change.

You're really stuck between a rock and a hard place - I can see you really care for him, but your own dc need to be safe( to be fair, it sounds as if they are not in danger from him, but you might be).

I suspect it's going to be a long haul, whatever happens.

stopfuckingshoutingatme Thu 08-Oct-15 22:28:26

I feel so bad for you all -

I think your impression to put your kids first is honestly the right one op. No one put your Bil first - poor little bean- and look what happened

It's an incredibly upsetting scenario and I think your instincts to protect your children from this are sound

I am so sorry - poor damaged boy

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