Holidays without children

[PIPPA74]

I have been separated from my X for 7 years and have shared contact of our children.

I am planning 2 holidays next year, the first with my current partner of 6 years and our son and my two daughters from my previous marriage.

The girls are then going away with my X and new spouse. While they are away I am planning on going away with my partner and my son.

My X has texted going crazy because I am treating my girls unfairly and that i should not have a holiday with my son and partner unless i take the girls as I am apparently favouring my son over them.

I have argued that while my girls have two families and therefore half of the things they do is with one family while half is done with the other. My son however just has us and so all the things he does are with us. The girls will have one holiday with me and one with their other family and my son will have one holiday with his sisters and one holiday with us so they have all had two breaks with their families.

My X is saying the girls are really upset and and crying and i feel awful but they go away as a couple numerous times without any of the children which they say is ok because they are not favouring one over the other. The girls are also upset when they do this as they state they feel like they are being dumped.

I feel really bad that I am apparently upsetting the girls but my X is so adamant that what I am doing is really awful and is damaging my girls that i am considering just not going on the 2nd holiday.

This is obviously causing issues with my partner who says they have been dictating to us for 6 years and that they have no right to dictate to us what we do and that this will mean our son always has less than the girls as they will always go away with their mum and us while he does not get that opportunity of a second break.

So, I would really appreciate some honest opinions as to whether I am being unreasonable, is my X right that i should never go away with my partner and our son as it is unfair on the girls. Also am i explaining it fairly to the girls?

I think this was so much more simple when I was a kid and we couldnt afford any holidays ha ha #firstworldproblems

[WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant]

Would anybody bat an eyelid if you had a day or weekend away when the girls were with their dad?

I thought not...

Makes no difference! A day/a week. They are with their other parent.

If their dad chose to take them away, then you make the plan to do something with ds so he doesn't miss his sisters...

The ex is being a moron.

[GobbolinoCat]

op what a tangled mess.

how old are your girls, it sounds like they are just upset about feeling left out whether its you or your x. is there any way to make them feel more secure? it seems to me this is the underlying problem...where do they fit in?

[GobbolinoCat]

I also wouldnt be surprised if your x and or not his partner were not helping here...and fanning the flames whether intentionally or not.

[Purplepoodle]

It's difficult. I wouldn't want to go on holiday without any my children tbh. Is there a reason the girls can't go on both holidays?

[WhetherOrNot]

It's difficult. I wouldn't want to go on holiday without any my children tbh

I bloody would 'cos I'm not a martyr and I crave 'me' time

[minime8]

I think you are right, everybody gets two holidays that seems fair. I think you need to sit down your dds and talk them through it and find out from them their thoughts about it. It may be your ex is exaggerating but if not then your girls are old enough to understand. My 3 year old initially got upset when her baby brother got presents on his birthday and she didn't. I explained and then she was happy. The girls will be away with their dad, no reason for you and your ds to sit home.

[JawannaDrink]

So your x and your dds are arguing that dds should get 3 holidays and your ds 2 holidays?
First tell your x to get his beak out of your business. Why are you even talking to him about your plans?
Second tell your dds to stop whining about the number of holidays they get, since they are already getting far more than most people. "waah, we're only getting 2 holidays this year, not three!"...if they were mine the'd be getting none at all if they behaved like that.

dds get one holiday with mum and stepdad, one holiday with dad and stepmum.
ds gets 2 holidays with mum and dad.

wtf is wrong with that?

[Oswin]

In my head an adult only getaway would be fine, but because your taking ds I don't think its very nice. I cant ever imagine ever leaving dd with her dad and taking any future dc on holiday. It just wouldn't sit right with me.

[Thebirdsneedseeds]

He's being a knob. It's essentially none of his business. Go ahead with your holidays. Just speak to your girls and check they're ok. He sounds like he's stirring it with a stick.

[JawannaDrink]

And to those saying its not fair, how is it fair to the ds then that his sisters must always get more than him? does he not matter because his parents are still together?

[PIPPA74]

There is undoubtedly some flame fanning but didnt want to put that in the original post as wanted opinions based on the bare facts. I think its important that the issue be judged on its own merits not have peoples judgement clouded by the fact other stuff is going on in the background.

I got a text from my 8 year old last night saying Xs new partner has offered to transfer money into my account to pay for the girls to go with us on our break with my son as though the reason we were not taking them was because of money. Apparently my 12 year old then started crying saying that its pointless as I would find another reason not to take them. I texted to say i found this really inappropriate however well intentioned they might have thought it was.

I am not providing another reason, only the one i have put up above ie that they have two families and spend time with both families where as my son just has us so all the children are getting two holidays with their families. Ironically they went on holiday 3 times last year with my X and my son went nowhere as we couldnt afford it at the time, nobody suggested this was unfair on my son and i didnt see it as unfair, infact i was pleased for them that they are getting some great opportunities.

Its difficult to make the girls feel better as my X discusses way too much with them imho. They have complained to me about my X going away without them and i have told them that its ok for adults to go away without children sometimes and that they would be with me while they are away. I also said that maybe they should speak to my X if they are feeling upset. I told my x to get the girls to speak to me about the holiday and i would happily chat to them about it and explain again.

I guess my worry is that my X is so adamant that what i am doing is really wrong that i am starting to doubt my own judgement. Are we really saying that i should not be able to go away with my partner and son for the next 12 years, even when the girls are away with my X because they think its unfair?

[Plumm]

Have your DDs told you they're upset or is it all coming from you X? I suspect the latter.

I think it's fine if you go away with your DS if the girls are away with their dad.

[Gatehouse77]

It's got FA to do with your ex!
I would be sceptical of his assertion that the girls are in tears over it and wait to speak to them directly yourself. You might find they see the logic and fairness where your ex seemingly can't

[thelittleredhen]

I'm with Oswin

[megletthesecond]

Your ex sounds nuts. (And what everyone else said).

[JawannaDrink]

then answer the q about the ds littleredhen.

OP says dds had 3 holidays last year, ds had none, yet you still think its the dds who are being left out?

[PIPPA74]

The girls have said to me they are not happy with it and i have explained it to them at length (there were no tears but they said it was unfair)

They basically said it would be fine if me and my partner went away so long as we left our son at home with grandparents. So essentially we would be away, they would be away with my X and the 3 year old would be at home. Part of the reason we want to go away is to have a break with him, i would never want to go away on our own. To me we all have the best of all worlds ie they go away with us and my x, they also go away with my X and her new partner. My son gets a break with his sisters and us and then goes with his mum and dad. Like another poster is saying, this will mean my son never gets the same number of holidays as his sisters but they see no issue with this.

Of course my X goes away regularly with the new partner so they are used to this and see that as acceptable as my X has told them it is and i have backed them up as non of my business. If my X simply stayed out of it or referred them back to me i do not think that there would be half the issues tbh but that is pure speculation on my part.

[Unreasonablebetty]

It seems too nice that the new douse is offering to pay for the girls to go on holiday with you, too generous to me.
I wonder if they are playing some kind of game to put you in a bad light.
Until that point I was going to say tell them they get 2 holidays and their brother deserves the same. Have read that the new spouse is offering to pay, and that it's being said you'll find another excuse not to take them. Take the kids. It's not fair on your youngest, but this way they can't use this as a reason to try and mess about with your relationship with DDs- sorry, please don't take that I'm quite paranoid this is happening tooicj to heart, DDs daughter and new wife caused so much trouble this way in the past.
I'm probably not the best person to give advice but I didn't want to read and run

[shovetheholly]

Virtually any child will cry and feel hard done by if adults around them tell them that they are hard done by.

Frankly, some kids don't get a holiday at all, and yours are all having two. No-one is getting a rough ride! I am also extremely receptive to the idea of your partner that your ex is in a pattern of dictating to you and making you feel bad. I think you need to listen to that advice, because it will cause friction in your own relationship otherwise.

I would sit the girls down and explain that they are getting two holidays, and your son is getting two holidays, so it is even stevens and fair on everyone. Reiterate that you love them very much. And then don't give way. And I would also (out of their hearing) have a quiet but firm word with your ex about the way that this has been framed and about the fact that SHE has upset your girls by presenting this in an unreasonable way, and that this is highly toxic parenting.

[Whippet2]

I think your reasoning is sound. Why should your son miss out just because his sisters think it's 'unfair'?! You've tried your best to explain to them and they will get over it, don't let your son suffer. Tell your ex that it's none of his business and it's damaging to all involved to encourage your daughters to think like this.

[mintbiscuit]

Totally agree with shovetheholly.

Also, if you don't stand your ground on this you could find yourself being dictated to over other things.

[MascaraAndConverse]

I agree with everything Whippet has said. Your girls are going on holiday fgs. They can't always have the best of both worlds. And I also agree that they will only feel hard done by if the adults around them make them feel that way (ie your ex and possibly his family).

[profbadbride]

YANBU. In your shoes, I would firmly state my case and simply refuse to discuss it further.

[GobbolinoCat]

Virtually any child will cry and feel hard done by if adults around them tell them that they are hard done by

^ this

I wonder if they are playing some kind of game to put you in a bad light
^ this.

sounds odd we don't know in and outs, jealously and so on, but I think people right to say none of x business don't allow it to become their business, just say " its private between me and DP"

end of.

maybe if you refuse to be manipulated and enter into convos about this, worrying about talking to girls and so on, what they say may eventually die out...as it has no where to go....

[PIPPA74]

I guess thats the problem, this is the latest in a long list of stuff but again i dont want peoples judgement of this issue clouded by an overall picture as this is the issue i really need advice on.

I think its important to consider it on its own merits and i guess i am concerned that my judgement was perhaps being clouded by an overall picture hence why i posted. Your advice (even where people disagree with me) is hugely appreciated, i guess i just wanted to know i was not being the "prick" i was told i was being and that my point of view had some validity even if it is not a position that they agreed with. I think its clear in that respect that i am not going bat shit crazy