Another AIBU about my OH Mum.(48 Posts)
So, recently I posted about issues with my mum guilt tripping etc. This post is about a situation with my Ohs mum.
Situation: 2.5 years ago our DD was born. Everyone came to see her in a typical gathering. There was my Mum, Step dad, OHs mum, brother and OH and my OHs sister. We're all sat in our living room, cooing over new baby. Nice time, everyone leaves.
2 days later we get a knock at our front door. A young girl from social services. Basically they'd received a report of a child in danger at this address. A witness claimed to have seen me holding my daughters nose closed, stopping her breathing. Something I absolutely and categorically denied, what an abhorrent accusation.
The girl from social interviewed us for an hour, had me show her how i feed LO, how o burp LO, how i change LO etc etc. Once she was satisfied my daughter was okay and in no danger she left. Oddly my OH knew straight away it was her mum that had called them. Just in case i had my GF call everyone that was there that day and ask if they had seen anything worrying about how I was handling my LO, no one had anything but praise for my gentleness, care, feeding technique, burping, changing etc. Eventually my OH called her mum, it turns out my ohs mum had rung "someone" for advice because she didn't like how I was handling my little girl and that she "didn't realise" she'd been speaking to social services.
Luckily we got our HV involved immediately who visited, went through everything with us, made sure I knew how to hold, feed, burp etc and she visited us a few times after that to check on me and she even spoke to the social services etc. We eventually got a letter after almost 2 months of worry, stress etc saying no further action.
Needless to say we all fell out about it for a while, eventually my OH started speaking with her mum again, though she didn't and has not apologised. I haven't forgiven her though and she has never even attempted to apologise to me. He basically thinks she was in the right, she saw something no one else did and that she was absolutely correct in calling the social services and not having a quiet word with my OH a the time.
So AIBU to tell her to do one, want nothing to do with her, refuse to speak to her etc? (I'd never stop my LO or my OH seeing her though)
What would you do?
YANBU. She sounds like a prize cunt. If someone made a false allegation to social services about me, and refused to accept that they were wrong even when social services said no further action, I'd cut them out of my life. You don't need a spiteful drama llama like that in your life.
I'd want nothing whatsoever to do with her, and I would make it clear to my OH that if his Mum wants to visit our home again, it'll have to be when I've made arrangements to go out.
What a nasty thing to happen at what should be such a lovely time for you all.
I'd be livid if someone made such an accusation to social services. It takes the shine of your time with the new baby, I'm sorry you had to put up with that. I'd completely avoid contact!
Christ, what a horrible thing to put you through! And no apology? No, I wouldn't want to have anything to do with her again either - BUT I would also try and take on board what my OH's feelings were about it.
How does she feel about you never seeing her mother again? Is she ok with it? If so, then fuckit, leave the bitch to moulder and have no contact with her yourself ever again.
My OH agrees with me but she takes our LO to see nanny when it suits my OH. Their relationship isn't great, no surprise lol.
This is really odd and spiteful, phoning SS instead of talking to your OH? What was your relationship like before the birth? And I gather your OH is a woman from your posts, its not clear who actually gave birth to your DD - has this possibly got something to do with whatever is going on?
Obviously YANBU. But this was 2.5 years ago, not recently. Surely you would have made your stance on this before. It seems a bit off to say "oi OH's mum, remember that thing you did 2.5 years ago, well do one."
Just don't go and visit her and make sure your OH goes to hers rather than her coming to yours. No need for a big showdown about it.
its not clear who actually gave birth to your DD
Given his nickname, I'd hazard a guess it's not the OP
Yeah, I'm the dad, my OH is mum.
And I'm not going to tell her to do one now, more like am I doing the right thing to carry on not seeing her. I probably should have made that clear.
What does your DP think?
If she knew it was her mother that had done this then I assume that her mother has done other outrageous things before.
Personally, I would not want my daughter involved with her in any capacity
who knows what poison she will feed her as what she has done could have had real consequences to your family.
If you feel that is too much, then like you have said I would not see her. I would tell DP, that if she visits your home then it will be only if you are not there. In regards to celebrations (birthdays, Christmas etc), this may be a little more tricky...
YANBU to be pissed off hurt and angry about this. It would take a saint to forgive what she did! I'm glad your OH isn't expecting you to sweep it under the carpet or 'get over it'.
I would carry on as you are now. With dignity. Let your OH take your DD to her mother for visits and keep a distance yourself. Yes to going out when she's coming to your house. I wouldn't want her coming round to my house at any time when it wasn't convenient for me to go out mind you.
That is awful.
She thought that you were holding your babys nose closed & didn't leap across the room shouting "what the fuck are you doing?"
I'd be really concerned that your wife subjects your daughter to her mum tbh.
I think that she needs protecting from someone so nasty.
Shame that your wife doesn't feel the same.
One generous interpretation is that she phoned the NSPCC for advice, and they forwarded the report to the SS.
She may well have not known SS would get involved.
Or she may well just be a shit-stirrer.
Given his nickname, I'd hazard a guess it's not the OP
You never know Worra!
I'm in awe (not in a good way) that instead of having a quiet word at the time about whatever it was she thought you were doing, her first instinct was to phone SS.
What was your relationship like with her before your DD came along? If she's never 'approved' of you, was this a way for her to put a spanner in the works?
In your shoes I wouldn't want anything to do with her, no. I'd always be looking over my shoulder, wondering what she would do next.
You are definitely doing the right thing. It was a horrible and spiteful thing to do and I wouldn't trust her. I'd guess she has some sort of issue with you and this was done out of spite. Never feel you should have to be around someone like that.
I'm surprised your OH even bothers to see her mum. She sounds unhinged and I'd worry about what else she is capable of!
It is completely up to you whether you intact with someone like this or not.
My concern is that your OH is still in contact and is still taking your DC to see this person.
The problem there is that you can't police interactions if you are not there and have no idea if poison is being spread.
I have had years of nasty comments and undermining - not to this extent - but constant and there but counter them now. They didn't want me - they want the DC and DH and that it. I've refused to be pushed out.
DH was never going to stop seeing them - and isn't good at spotting the manipulation and if he does doing anything about it.
Problem is every time I relax a bit - they start causing problems often now a days directly with the DC.
My own parents have sort over the years to undermine DH - blaming him trying to get me to find fault. It isn't helpful and TBH not always as easy to spot as you'd think.
So I do get why you don't want to see this person but I'd think on the implications of that especially now DC is 2.5 and starting to understand and pick things up.
Plus also consider how your OH is feeling - do they want support on visits? Have you asked or talked about it? I know in my family one half of a couple stopped visiting wife parents. Expected her to run round his still though even decade after his were dead wife still resented him not accompanying her to see her parents on duty visits.
Not to say I wouldn't be livid or really want to have to interact with such a person just that not doing so might well be playing into their trouble making hands.
I don't think the OP can stop his OH taking the DD for visits.
Stick to your guns re:not seeing your MIL, but beware of bad mouthing her all the time to your OH. IME it can backfire and end up making them begin to defend their mother/father. Even though they know deep down that you're right!
Keep an eye out for for your OH being undermined by her mum. Be there for her if/when that arises.
Be aware that this situation is going to be trickier to handle once DD has grown up a bit. Maybe asking why daddy never sees nanny.
Fair enough you don't want to see her BUT if you are in a social situation with family where she is there I would stick to utter politeness - no more than a hello/good bye. ignoring her would be just a childish as she is.
I don't think the OP can stop his OH taking the DD for visits
No I don't think he can either.
He could try and insist/arrange they all go together and then watch out for and challenge any negative remarks behaviours. That would require the OH co-operation and frankly the OP being able to be civil and polite to the woman even when provoked while still countering any negativity - that's not easy though as I Know full well.
I suppose that might risk also subsequent reports happening as punishment - as she knows prior false report had a huge impact. So that might be a problem then again perhaps it would flag her up as a trouble maker to SS and possible future schools.
There is no ideal solution and it's not likely they will suddenly morph into a better person at some future point either.
What a sadistic cunt. There is no way I would be in the same room as her or allow her in my home. I don't think there's really much you can do if your OH insists on allowing contact between your DC and MIL, sadly, but I would certainly be doing my best to minimise it as much as possible. I can't believe your OH is actually backing up her mother and allowing her to allow her to see DC.
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