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to think my mil is unreasonable for not giving ExH address

(30 Posts)
Fantasyland Fri 02-Oct-15 14:50:18

Will try and keep story short.
Exh left nearly 4 years ago after another affair, he has been an utter t**t since then messing our son around with contact and letting him down.

He has moved further away recently and given up his job to move with his girlfriend (o/w) who is setting up a business and he claimed originally he couldn't pay any more maintenance as unemployed but then after using more excuses to our son that he was busy setting up her business he has admitted he is working for his girlfriend (who he still claims is his friend!) part time and he is paying me £11 a week.

He is always late paying and i dont trust him to be honest with what he is earning and pay the correct amount as after nearly 4 years he is still claiming that its his friend now, they were together but they split up and live as friends and he is employed by her , not that he is a joint business owner.

I want to go through the csa so they calculate a fair amount but he wont tell me his address and his mother wont tell me the address even though she knows he has been an utter arse and left me financially in the shit by now only paying £11 a week because he chose to move and give up his job.

She still sees our son but exh rarely does, aibu to think she should give the address for csa?
I also predicted he would do this when he moved and see him stopping paying soon as i have no way of tracking him down

TheHouseOnTheLane Fri 02-Oct-15 14:52:34

It's actually not that hard to find someone's address. If you know the name of the ow then I suspect the bills will be in her name...

Sparkletastic Fri 02-Oct-15 14:53:00

Can't you find the address via their names and the company name? If not how old is DS - could he ask grandma directly for his dad's address? She might find it harder to refuse him.

TheHouseOnTheLane Fri 02-Oct-15 14:53:52

this article is useful.

Fantasyland Fri 02-Oct-15 14:53:56

Thats half the problem he is still using his mums address and his mum admits that as well, so on paper it will look like he doesn't live with her.

Ive tried googling her name but all it shows is their old address.

2rebecca Fri 02-Oct-15 14:54:29

No, up to the CSA to track him down. In the future if he wants a relationship with his son then his son will know where he lives and when he's older I'd tell him he tried to avoid paying. Long term hiding your address and having a relationship with a child won't work. Leave it to the CSA and wait for him to see sense.

TheHouseOnTheLane Fri 02-Oct-15 14:54:34

Put her name into the Companies House search box.

TheHouseOnTheLane Fri 02-Oct-15 14:55:03

2rebecca Fri 02-Oct-15 14:57:32

I'm confused, so he's living with your exMIL whose address you don't know but you want her to tell you his address? How do you propose to contact her then? Can't you just give the CSA the details you have for her and they can ask her where he is.

Spartans Fri 02-Oct-15 14:58:27

I can see why she isn't giving the info.

It's not fair to put her in the middle

ThumbWitchesAbroad Fri 02-Oct-15 14:58:55

You have to see it from his mum's point of view though, surely? She thinks she's being loyal to her son by not giving out his address, maybe he's told her that you've threatened them with axe murdering or somesuch, and she doesn't want to be involved in any of that, despite you only wanting it for CSA purposes.

Maybe she thinks you'll go round and confront OW and set fire to her, or similar. I don't know. But she's really under no obligation to give up her son's address to you, however upsetting that is. sad

zzzzz Fri 02-Oct-15 15:03:17

Just get all the people sent to her address looking for him.

I'll be honest if he is dead set on behaving this way there may be little you can do that will get the result you want.

HellKitty Fri 02-Oct-15 15:08:09

If he's still using his mums address then give them that?

If you know OW name then surely you could track her down? I'm sure she must be getting tax credits or something..maybe they would be affected if it was known they are a couple.

Fantasyland Fri 02-Oct-15 15:11:08

He lives with girlfriend but has all bills going to his mum's house

Fabellini Fri 02-Oct-15 15:19:04

I'd just give CSA his mums address then - presumably you have that? He's using it as a postal address and having all bills sent there, so if she forwards them, she can forward their correspondence too.

cjt110 Fri 02-Oct-15 15:31:45

Electoral role?

Booyaka Fri 02-Oct-15 15:35:06

Sorry, but regardless of the rights and wrongs you just can't put his Mum in that position. It must be an awful position for her to be in, but if he has specifically asked her not to then she really can't tell you.

Anyway, if he is living at her address for 'official' purposes surely he wouldn't be able to ignore CSA letters there because it would bust him for tax/benefits purposes too?

Unreasonablebetty Fri 02-Oct-15 15:42:37

Give csa the mums address,
And if he wants to see your son, unsupervised, tell him you'll need the address that he currently resides at.
When I was going through courts with DDs bio dad, I refused to allow her to his house as I didn't know where it was and he wouldn't allow me an address, and I feel I should know where my daughter is (he did have form for running away with DD)
And the courts had no problem with telling him I needed an up to date address for him to allow unsupervised contact.

Also, is it really worth the trouble? Int experience the CSA don't always help very much, and when DDs dad was told he needed to pay CSA he gave up his job (this was a ploy and was actually working cash on hand after that for his girlfriends parents!!)
It might be a whole heap of trouble for nothing. As his girlfriend could quite easily hide much of his earnings so the CSA only award you a rate of about £5.00 per week....I think you said it's currently £11.00 which is a very low amount already, but if men do not want to be decent fathers, they'll always find a way to get out of their responsibilities.

In sorry you are in this situation though Hun, it's a Shitty one.

x2boys Fri 02-Oct-15 15:49:20

Cant they just trace via his his national insurance number? assuming he pays tax and national insurance.

Gottagetmoving Fri 02-Oct-15 16:32:52

I think your mil is being unreasonable. If my son was not supporting his child I would give his address. Unless you are a danger to her son or likely to cause trouble, I think she should make sure her son faces up to his responsibilities.
I hate it when men neglect their children in this way.

Fantasyland Fri 02-Oct-15 16:43:30

If I give his mum's address then he will show as no income as he isn't signing on or anything, he will not be on the electoral roll at hers, don't know whether she claims anything. The point of proving the address is to prove he is part of her business and does have an income

LisbethSalandersLaptop Fri 02-Oct-15 16:46:48

no I do not think she is being unreasonable - my dad would not give out an address or phone number for his children to anyone.
Just give the CSA her address grin

Fantasyland Fri 02-Oct-15 16:47:01

If I say I need his address to know where my son is then he won't see our son. My son is desperate to see him so I have to agree to let him go without knowing where he is. There's no chance of him kidnapping he can't be bothered with regular contact

redannie118 Fri 02-Oct-15 17:01:25

Hello op im a case worker for cmg 2012 applications. You can make a application using the mums address if you can state 100 percent for certain its a correspondence address. We will then collect his income via hmrc. 2012 is not like csa where the nrp could state their income was zero,everyone needs money to live on ! What would happen is we would assess his income and send the calculation in writing to you. If you werent happy you could raise a appeal and then we have the power to seize financial records ,bank statements etc,hope that helps. Also during first contact we will read him a legal statement that quotes it is a criminal offence to knowingly provide false information,you would be suprised how many people back down after that !

Osolea Fri 02-Oct-15 17:06:53

The mil is not being unreasonable, if her son has told her not to give out his address then she shouldn't be giving out his address.

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