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To miss my daughter's boyfriend

(87 Posts)
Doraydiego Fri 02-Oct-15 06:25:21

My daughter recently ended things with her boyfriend. I understand why, they are at different universities and she does not want a long distance relationship. I think he misses her a lot, which makes me feel so sad. I am so very fond of him, he was so good for her. She had a very bad relationship before him and he taught her to truly value herself and how to be in a healthy happy relationship. She says they are still friends, but I don't know if he will ever be coming here again. Is it normal to feel so bereft? She seems over it already, but I feel quite tearful and am worrying that he is ok.

BoboChic Fri 02-Oct-15 06:28:26

Stay out of it. And try not to get attached to your DD's BFs: it won't help her relationships.

Spartans Fri 02-Oct-15 06:35:11

It's normal to miss someone that was part of your life. Dd fell out with her best friend and I missed the friend. We were so used to having her around.

However, you need to accept it and accept your dds decision and stay out of it. You may never see him again. He was part of your life because he was your dds bf, the relationship is no longer.

Really you need to not form such an attachment to your dds bf. Easier said than done, but it's her decision and you should respect it.

Mehitabel6 Fri 02-Oct-15 06:54:10

It is understandable- they become part of the family. However you have to move on with her.

Thebirdsneedseeds Fri 02-Oct-15 07:04:15

Hmm, I have a skewed view on this.

My mum awfully liked my first bf. He was a lovely guy but our relationship wasn't all she thought it was and after a lot of heartache on both sides it ended. It was messy. I got together with someone else (who I married and am still with after 15 years) and my mum acted like a total cowbag.

She and my ex phoned one another saying how worried they were about me and my ability to make decisions, she was totally on his side, constantly telling me how he was right for me, how we'd have lovely babies (wtaf!) and this new bf just wanted me for sex (TOTALLY inaccurate). In the end I lost it with her and we had a long spell of icy limited contact.

Honestly, she nearly disinherited me and adopted him. It was incredibly hurtful.

But I know you aren't comparable!! smile Just respect your daughter's choice.

CaminanteNoHayCamino Fri 02-Oct-15 07:04:20

My parents were very fond of my DSis's boyfriend from university and were gutted when she broke up with him, I would say. My mum talked to me (not my sister) about him afterwards, not incessantly but now and again, for years. They had thought she would marry him. Decades on, I can confidently say she should have. He was a lovely guy and I missed him too. He was like the big brother I never had. I feel sad for you because it's horrible when there's nothing you can do to alter the situation. It's like any relationship ending really - time will help. flowers

LadyNym Fri 02-Oct-15 07:12:25

DH and I split up for six months (before we were married) and apparently my mum cried. We'd been going out since high school and she's always got on well with him.

He wanted to visit his parents during the split but his parents are a bit scatty and he had no way of getting from the train station to his parents' house (both sets of parents lived out in the middle of nowhere) so my mum picked him up from the station, he stayed at my parents' that night (it was late) then Mum gave him a lift to his parents' the next morning.

I don't think it's weird.

Senpai Fri 02-Oct-15 07:16:40

If he taught her the value of a good relationship, then she's built up good habits for another good man when she's ready. smile

I dumped my nice boyfriend when I went off to uni, and went on to find an even better man to marry.

MythicalKings Fri 02-Oct-15 07:17:05

I'm still friends with DS1's first serious GF. They drifted apart at university but remained friends. Her mum died when she was 16 and I'm still a bit of a "mum substitute" in her life and we meet up from time to time and stay in touch on FB.

DS1 and his DP are also friends with her and it doesn't feel weird. If DS1 or his partner weren't happy about it I would cool things, though.

MrsSlocombesPussy Fri 02-Oct-15 07:19:26

My DSis moved out from the flat she shared with her boyfriend and moved in with his mum. She ended up lodging with her for a couple of years. Her ex sadly died a few years later, but she is still good friends with his mum. She was a guest at my sisters wedding, so I don't think it's weird either.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Fri 02-Oct-15 07:20:48

I think it's nice that you miss him, but if your DD has moved on then I think you have to as well, unless she's happy for you to maintain friendly relations with him.

When my first BF dumped me after over a decade, his grandparents stayed in touch with me - they were a) very pissed off about the way he behaved towards me and b) I'd been like their granddaughter for years (we were due to get married as well) so they kept in touch, which I thought was lovely.

I think it's fine for you to miss him but not fine for you to do anything about it unless your DD is cool with it.

Mehitabel6 Fri 02-Oct-15 07:22:00

I think it is easier if you have sons to remain friends with ex girlfriends. My sons have remained friends themselves so it is easy. They become part of the family and if you like them it seems odd to have to just cut off the relationship.
It would be different if they parted badly.

molyholy Fri 02-Oct-15 07:24:22

He has done his job. i am a believer in people coming into peoples lives to help them along the way. Abit like Highway to Heaven grin. I would be grateful for her having him in her life then moving on. Don't get too involved flowers

Borninthe60s Fri 02-Oct-15 07:32:17

Normal, yes. I missed my son's girlfriend of three years when they went their separate ways. But he moved on and I had to.

SevenSeconds Fri 02-Oct-15 07:32:46

OP, I've got to say it would really annoy me if my mum reacted like this (unless you are just sharing this with us and haven't breathed a word to her). It's her decision and your loyalties are to her, not him.

It's normal and healthy not to want to get tied down too young. She wants to enjoy everything that university has to offer and not spend her time travelling back and forth and missing out on things her friends are doing at weekends.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree Fri 02-Oct-15 07:48:38

YANBU to feel that way. We are the sort of family who welcomes boyfriends/girlfriends as one of the family, and my mum has been incredibly fond of some of my siblings partners, and has felt like she lost one of the family when they did split. I was actually really good friends with one of my dsis's bf - and did feel very upset for him when she broke it up. But she had her reasons, and you never know exactly what is goign on in someone elses relationship.

YWBU to try and influence her about it though. Your dd is young, at Uni, she may have many more bf's before she settles down. smile

theelephantknownasnell Fri 02-Oct-15 08:10:28

I broke up wirh a boyfriend when I was 19, we lived together so when the relationship broke down I moved back in with my parents for a while. My parents loved my ex and when I started seeing someone new they wouldn't allow him in the house until a set time had passed, they said they needed to mourn the relationship ending. There was a semi abusive element to the first relationship which thet couldn't wouldn't see.

I understand they liked the ex alot but it affected their relationship with new partner who I went on to marry and have been married to for 12 years.

Its great that you liked him had a good relationship with him, its sad that you have no choice in him not being apart of your life but try not to make a big deal out of it.

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark Fri 02-Oct-15 08:17:57

No, it's not normal. It may be understandable, but it's not normal to be so invested in your child's relationship that you feel 'bereft'.
Step back and stay back. Or you won't get to meet the next ones.
You are allowed to say how nice you think her ex was. You're allowed to say hello when you meet him. That's where it ends though.
And start working NOW on how you will deal with the next ones. Because you're going to want to compare. And you mustn't.

Scremersford Fri 02-Oct-15 08:47:37

"Bereft, tearful and worrying about him" - no that's not normal or OK, you need friends of your own OP and to respect the privacy of your daughter's relationships.

clareabouts Fri 02-Oct-15 09:01:35

Your daughter probably feels sad about the end of the relationship too. If you let her see that you're upset she'll feel worse. It's your job to support and respect her decisions: this was her relationship, not yours. You can't help how you feel but you can make sure she doesn't know about it, and you can work on keeping an appropriate distance between you and her future partners so that this doesn't happen again.

belleandboo Fri 02-Oct-15 09:42:01

My mum didn't want me to marry my first boyfriend but she really liked him and found it traumatic when we broke up. He came round in tears a couple of times and she comforted him. They texted a bit. But there was nothing she could actually do (or would do) to change the situation. I was glad that someone was comforting my ex but at the same time, I couldn't cope with her sadness. I think she needed to learn to guard her feelings and detach a bit - which she did in future relationships.

Now I'm married and I know it's part of my parents' religion to treat my DH as if he is also their child.

Pandora97 Fri 02-Oct-15 09:55:46

I would say YANBU. I'm in the opposite situation, in that I miss my ex boyfriend's family terribly. I have known them a long time though and think of them as my family. I used to get very upset thinking that I'd never see them again. It's normal to get attached to people! But as they say, time is a great healer (cliched but true) and if they're still friends you might still get to hear about his life. I'm sure he's doing okay by the way - it's sad but relationship break-ups for that reason are very common.

fourquenelles Fri 02-Oct-15 10:09:59

My second husband was a lazy, cock lodging, conman who forged my signature on financial documents amongst other things. However, my mother saw him as "the son she never had" and sided with him when we split. She even said that he forged my signature to benefit us both! She still thinks the sun shines out of his arse almost 20 years later. I don't like my mother much. An extreme example I know OP but please be careful about where your loyalties lie.

Theycallmemellowjello Fri 02-Oct-15 10:10:34

Ok, yanbu for feeling how you feel, but I think it would be extremely unfair and unreasonable to let on even the slightest bit that you are feeling this way to your DD. She has a right to feel that she is your focus, not her partners, and that she has your love and support no matter what her romantic decisions. If she realises that you are emotionally invested in her relationships it's going to potentially introduce guilt, resentment and upset on her part. The lesson is probably that you need to maintain a bit more of a distance from any of her partners in the future.

shovetheholly Fri 02-Oct-15 10:41:47

I understand that you have feelings about this - it is a loss from your life!

But please, please don't let on to your DD that you miss him. It's really important that she feels 100% supported by her family in taking this decision.

I know it's not the same thing, but my family continued to see and support my ex-P when we split after a very long relationship. I felt profoundly betrayed by this, particularly as he'd not been a very nice man - and particularly because they went on to cut him out of their lives when he was a bit verbally nasty to my sister (he'd done far worse to me!!) The excuse they gave at the time was 'I introduced him into their lives and I couldn't just demand that they didn't see him any more'. I was in my early 30s - not a young 'un - and it still left me feeling really alone.

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