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to not tell XH I'm remarrying?

(28 Posts)
HellKitty Tue 29-Sep-15 16:16:13

We don't get on. We split up officially 9 yrs ago, divorced recently due to financial ties (house). DCs are mid to late teens, see him twice a year where all he does he slag me off and go to the pub - they don't want to see him again. When he'd pick them up he'd glare at me, nothing else. DP and his car would be at work or out at pick up/drop off times.

I've been with DP for 5 years and we're getting married. XH doesn't even know I've been seeing anyone. XH is a bully to women and children, until they get taller than him and/or answer back. He would literally shit himself if he saw DP.

No mutual friends, he has no friends. I think he's still pretending to the bank and tax office that we're married.

So. What would you do and AIBU?

pinkfrocks Tue 29-Sep-15 16:18:41

Why would you want to tell him? It's not really his business now but your children will tell him, so it's a case surely of do you tell him first, tell them not to say anything, or let him find out through your children. It can't stay under wraps, but it's who spills the beans.

Spartans Tue 29-Sep-15 16:18:49

Yanbu....just don't tell him. Non of his business.

Hassled Tue 29-Sep-15 16:19:01

If he doesn't need to know and if you're not putting the DCs in the position where they may have to lie/be evasive, then there's no need to tell him really.

GloGirl Tue 29-Sep-15 16:19:53

If you had young children I would but if they ate older and also have nothing to do him, YANBU.

And congrats! flowers

pinkfrocks Tue 29-Sep-15 16:20:41

If your children don't see or speak to him then you have no need to worry but if they do, it's putting them in a tricky position.

daisychain01 Tue 29-Sep-15 16:22:24

I would distance yourself from your ex and use it as an opportunity to give a clear message you have

Don't need his approval or input
Don't care what he thinks

Radio silence
Best payback is your current and future happiness.

Many congratulations x

HellKitty Tue 29-Sep-15 16:23:53

He asked my eldest once whether I was seeing anyone (I was) and my DS replied, 'you should ask her yourself'. He never asked any of them again!

I keep thinking that I should do then think WTF should I!!?!

HellKitty Tue 29-Sep-15 16:25:51

He'd text once a week to see if the DCs were in to phone until I told him to text them himself instead. It also saved me the embarrassment of nearly pressing send on a text reply to him that DP had typed BELLEND on.

RandomMess Tue 29-Sep-15 16:25:53

Absolutely don't tell him, why would you confused

SaucyJack Tue 29-Sep-15 16:26:16

I think you should've told him at the start of your relationship. Just seems a basic courtesy to me to let an NRP know that someone else is living with their kids.

But if the kids are grown-up now, then sod that and sod him an'all.

daisychain01 Tue 29-Sep-15 16:26:59

I'd also suggest you font give your DC any dilemma.

Talk about it openly and engage in what they feel only. Reassure with your love. If they want to tell their DF they can maybe wait until they bring the matter up but be really chilled happy and involve them. They'll be able to see you are not putting them in the cross fire. You can't control your exs response but you can manage it on your side.

daisychain01 Tue 29-Sep-15 16:27:51

Don't not font!

daisychain01 Tue 29-Sep-15 16:30:11

Sounds like your DC is very mature and able to deal well with the whole thing great!

Number3cometome Tue 29-Sep-15 16:30:19


Me and OH will be getting married next year. I will not be telling ex as it's none of his fucking business.

HellKitty Tue 29-Sep-15 16:31:27

Thanks daisy but their last visit in August (previous was NYE) was spent with him either drinking in the house or him drinking at the pub. Him telling them what a bitch and cunt (yes really) I was and how his life is shit. They're not going back ever. DP treats them like his own and has been there for them.

Hmmm, actually thinking I'm a bit mad now to even consider telling him!

HellKitty Tue 29-Sep-15 16:32:08

Good on you Number!!
Let them find out the hard way grin

Number3cometome Tue 29-Sep-15 16:33:10

You're ex isn't my ex is it?

He sounds identical!

DinosaursRoar Tue 29-Sep-15 16:33:16

So he doesn't see his DCs? Then no need to worry about the feelings of someone who has failed to be a parent to his DCs.

Tell your DCs they are welcome to tell him if htey want to, that it's not a secret.

HellKitty Tue 29-Sep-15 16:35:12

God forbid there are two of him Number3!

Dinosaur, I think my eldest would keep it in his back pocket if dickwad pushes him too far. He changed his surname to my maiden name this year (he's 17) and hasn't told him that yet.

Rainbunny Tue 29-Sep-15 16:36:26

I don't think you should invite the inevitable misery that telling him would bring either. Frankly it's not his business anymore and telling him could be an invitation (in his eyes) for him to have an opinion. As his life doesn't sound very peachy it will just be another reason for him to feel bitter etc... while you swan off to a happy new life. I just don't see him taking it well given the way you've described him OP. Congratulations!

FadedRed Tue 29-Sep-15 16:39:35

Agree with pp's that it's none of his business.
Hopefully, if he does find out from someone, it will be in a public place from a distant acquaintance and he'll be embarrassed that everyone know but him.
With what you said about him being a bully unless people were bigger than him, I'd be tempted to send a lovely framed wedding photo with your new DH standing on a concealed box, looking 7 feet tall and built like a brick outhouse. grin
Congratulations on your wedding.

HellKitty Tue 29-Sep-15 16:44:06

Genius idea Faded! I could just turn the wedding picture into a Christmas card so as not to look too obvious...!

Hornydilemma Tue 29-Sep-15 16:49:09

Just a point - if he is pretending for tax purposes that he is married, when you remarry will you be telling the tax people?
and then will they go back to him and say No you can't claim xyz allowances as you are not married - HellKitty is married to someone else? (so he might find out that way)

And might they then go back and investigate his tax affairs and claw back any ill gotten money? grin

HellKitty Tue 29-Sep-15 16:57:59

His tax problems and dodgy dealings will be seen to one way or another grin

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