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Asking them not to use 'our' baby name - sensitive

(132 Posts)
sparechange Mon 28-Sep-15 10:01:29

This isn't another 'name claim' thread, I promise...

Earlier this year, DH and I were given the worst news at our 20 week scan, and lost the baby shortly afterwards, a few days short of 24 weeks. This meant that it wasn't officially classified as a still birth, and we didn't have to legally register the birth. However, we still named the baby and remember him as our son. After we lost him, our families were very supportive, but in the blur that was the weeks afterwards, I don't remember anyone asking if we had named the baby, much less what the name was. DH said no one asked him either.

Fast forward a few months, and 2 of my SILs announce they are pregnant. 3rd child for both of them, one due just before Christmas and the other just afterwards. Both have found out they are having boys.

I've been having real panics that one of them is going to give their baby the same name we gave ours. Even thinking about it is making me cry, because it somehow feels like it will 'erode' his memory. I therefore suggested to DH that we find a way to drop into conversation that we had named our baby, and hope they then don't use that name. He said it would be a strange thing to do and we have to just hope they don't pick the name.

So, AIBU to ask them to not use the name of our son? If I'm not, how do I word this? We live in a very different part of the country to them, so it would have to be by phone (or text?) rather than face to face.

Fizzielove Mon 28-Sep-15 10:05:16

How very very sad for you! I understand that you may not like the idea of the name being used but I really don't think you can ask them not to use it. I think you'll just have to pray and hope that they don't use it. flowers

Gobbolinothewitchscat Mon 28-Sep-15 10:06:57

No - you're not being unreasonable at all.

If I was one of your SILs, I would very much hope that you would share the name of your lovely boy with me. It would be terrible to know that I had inadvertently hurt you by choosing it for my DC and also I would really like to know the name to honour the life of your little one

How do you get on with your PiLs? Are they sensitive people who could mention the name on your behalf?


BitchPeas Mon 28-Sep-15 10:07:30

I would drop his name into conversation with them, send a general catch up email saying something like....

We are also planting a tree in memory of XXXX, thanks for all the support you gave us at the worst time of our lives.

Hopefully they will get the hint!!!

I'm so sorry for your loss flowers
I've had a TFMR and it would devastate me if someone I knew used the name I gave to my baby, it would be so painful. Be kind to yourself.

Wolfiefan Mon 28-Sep-15 10:08:31

I'm so sorry for your loss.
I don't think
Wait and hope they don't use the same name is a good strategy. Could a family member have a word?

Gobbolinothewitchscat Mon 28-Sep-15 10:09:32

Re: how to word things, if PIL can't help, I would send a general email with some news and, as part of that, say that you are planting a tree or a plant in memory of your DS. You could say that in the blur of what happened, you're not sure that you mentioned his name, but it is X.

Theycallmemellowjello Mon 28-Sep-15 10:09:42

I think it would be ok to explain your feelings directly, if your DH agrees. But you have to phrase it gently, and accept that they might want your name for their own reasons. Sorry for your loss.

Gobbolinothewitchscat Mon 28-Sep-15 10:10:05

Cross-post with bitch!

Welshmaenad Mon 28-Sep-15 10:10:10

I think BitchPeas solution is perfect.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Zippidydoodah Mon 28-Sep-15 10:11:03

Oh, I'm so sorry to read this. You poor things sad

I think you should tell them your son's name, 100%. It would be horrific if you ended up with a nephew with the same name. I agree with dropping it in subtly, like the tree planting pp.

IAmACuboid Mon 28-Sep-15 10:11:06

They're both mothers, and can imagine what you've been through - I'd let them know if it was me.
However, I know several families where cousins have the same name (first and last), so you would need to be clear that you really don't want them to use the name just in case they go ahead anyway, even 'in honour of'.

I am sorry for your loss.
Please don't leave it to chance unless you think you could get used to your future DN having the same name as your son.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Mon 28-Sep-15 10:11:53

Firstly, I'm really sorry for your loss.

I agree with your DH and Fizzie, though, I don't think you can ask them not to use the name. It would be different if you were very close and could ask them, but if you don't see each other often and they aren't aware of the name already, that doesn't seem to be the case. It'd be very transparent to make his name clear now.

It's unlikely that either of them will pick his name, there are thousands of boys names. Even if they did, it wouldn't erode his memory at all. Statistically, though, there is almost no chance that this will happen.

I'm not sure how you could word such a request through text or phone anyway, I think it'd absolutely have to be face-to-face even if you had to make a special trip, but as your husband thinks it's a bad idea, I'd accept that it can't happen.

Whoknewitcouldbeso Mon 28-Sep-15 10:12:02

I like bitchpeas response. Would something like that be possible?

Zippidydoodah Mon 28-Sep-15 10:12:51

They shouldn't choose the name "for their own reasons" if they know it's your baby's name.

OneDay103 Mon 28-Sep-15 10:18:39

I'm sorry for your loss. I think it's a good idea to work it into conversation and hope they won't use it. As you are not closely situated you can hope they won't use it.

MyNewBearTotoro Mon 28-Sep-15 10:21:29

I don't think it would be at all weird or unreasonable to tell family (or anyone else for that matter) your son's name. Sharing it and talking about him may help you feel he is being remembered as well.

Once your SILs know his name it will still be their choice regarding what they call their children and I think it would be unreasonable to stipulate they can't use your son's name but I imagine if they had your son's name on the shortlist it might make them reconsider.

Also I will say it doesn't matter how many boys might be given your son's name, he will still be just as precious and important and nobody can or will ever take the memory of him from you. I'm so sorry for your loss flowers

sleeponeday Mon 28-Sep-15 10:23:44

I'm so very, very sorry for your loss. flowers

I would talk to either your mum or MIL, depending on which side of the family it is (and assuming you get along with her) and explain how you're feeling. Most people would want to support you in any way they can, and if avoiding his name is how, then they would want to, surely.

TheWildRumpyPumpus Mon 28-Sep-15 10:24:21

I'm sorry for your loss OP. As a PP said if you can't cope with the idea of another child with your son's name in the family then you will need to be explicit with your request for them not to use it.

The tree planting idea is a good way to get his name 'out there' but I know friends who would consider using his name a way of honouring his memory, and keeping him 'alive' in a way.

They really wouldn't mean any harm, or be setting out to hurt you. They are just the type of people would need it really spelling out to them.

VenusVanDamme Mon 28-Sep-15 10:33:28

So sorry for your loss.

I think it's totally acceptable just to explain that in the haze you didn't mention your son's name but he's called X and ask if they could avoid using that name. Even if I'd picked that name out there's no way I'd use it when you asked and I think (well would like to think) that most people would do the same.

KitZacJak Mon 28-Sep-15 10:37:47

So sorry to hear about your loss. I think mentioning your baby's name soon in the way that BitchPeas has suggested would be a good idea. I am pretty sure they wouldn't think of using it if they knew.

sparechange Mon 28-Sep-15 10:38:51

Thanks for all the responses. We have actually already planted a tree for him, on what should have been his due date. We didn't tell anyone at the time, but I could send MIL a photo of the tree and ask for advice keeping it alive - she is a mad keen gardener and I'm a bit clueless. That might be a good way of dropping it into conversation!
SILs are her daughters, so she she shares a lot with them and I hope it would trickle down.
And then assume that they will take the hint? I don't think they are the sort of people would would take it upon themselves to honour our son with theirs (they haven't used grandparents names for their other DCs, for example)

LikeASoulWithoutAMind Mon 28-Sep-15 10:39:57

OP I'm really sorry for your loss flowers

I don't think you are unreasonable at all. I think BitchPeas idea is a good one and also perhaps talking to your dm/mil or another trusted family member? I'm really hoping for you though that they have chosen different names - this is far more likely than them choosing your name.

GloGirl Mon 28-Sep-15 10:41:48

Be proactive. It will be so much worse if they name the baby and then you have to say "Please dont use that name."

Invite your MIL round for tea, talk openly to her and trust that she will fix it for you. Not subtly but outright.

mummymeister Mon 28-Sep-15 10:42:35

If you look at this logically (which is difficult I know given how you must be feeling) no one in your close family or friendship circle is going to want to name their baby after the one that you sadly lost are they. If I was your sil, I would really appreciate you just taking me aside and saying that you weren't sure if she knew but you had named him XXX and you just wanted her to know. she will get the hint. she will appreciate the fact that you did this as often the pregnant person feels guilty about being pregnant around someone who has had a recent and late loss. I know I did. good luck and would suggest for your own peace of mind you sort it out sooner rather than later.

Neddyteddy Mon 28-Sep-15 10:43:01

It's very sad for you but you can't just ban a name. Rather then seeing as eroding his memory, can you see it as honouring? I think you just need to change how you see things

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