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aibu to think husband should help in morning when working from home?

(89 Posts)
deeedeee Fri 25-Sep-15 12:02:21

I have two kids, 5 and 2, and the oldest is in school. Eldest has a disability, youngest does too but less severely. Neither can dress, organise, feed themselves.

Husband works full time. He leaves the house at 730am , gets home about 6pm each day. So I usually do the school run each day on my own. Which I struggle with if Im honest. If i'm well rested, organised and calm, and the kids too then it can be ok. But normally it's stress, fights and hard work.

I'm self employed, trying to get back into my field after maternity leaves and young kids etc. So two days a week youngest is in nursery so I can work, and one of these days eldest is at after school club. No availability for other day, so husband works from home that one day a week so I can work the full day, as he picks up eldest from school at 3 and puts a film on for him, Youngest at nursery till 6pm.

On this day he works from home in the morning, he gets up and logs straight into work, usually by 7am and refuses to help me get the kids ready and me ready. He says that it's a work day for him, so therefore he wants to get started. I find it very difficult, as him being there changes the dynamic, makes it harder, and also I feel that he should be helping. (i.e. Watching the kids while i have a shower. Dressing one of them. Helping me get them both down the stairs. I say I don't understand why he can't start at 820 when we leave the house, and help us get ready . That's still earlier than he starts in the office. He says he doesn't understand why I just don't get on with it and treat like the days he's in the office.

Who is being unreasonable?

TracyBarlow Fri 25-Sep-15 12:04:31

He is being unreasonable. He's starting work early to avoid helping you.

CrapBag Fri 25-Sep-15 12:06:17

He is.

There is no reason he has to start work at home at 7am, it's not the time he usually starts anyway. Sounds like he is doing it to get out of giving you a hand with his own children because it's hard work. Selfish arse.

Preminstreltension Fri 25-Sep-15 12:06:38

He is, of course. He's a father and he should be working with the other parent to get parental duties done.

He works full time - well someone buy the man a balloon hmm. He's also a parent and a partner - but not acting like one.

TeamBacon Fri 25-Sep-15 12:10:36

This is a day when you're both working a full day, so the child responsibilities should be split down the middle.

Of course he should help. Why on earth can't he get the kids ready and downstairs while you shower and get yourself ready, and then he could get back to work.

Selfish sod.

horsewalksintoabar Fri 25-Sep-15 12:13:30

I'm afraid you are, in theory. But in practice, he is. OP I have the same issue and in my heart of hearts YANBU but if you want to split hairs, then YABU. He's 'at work' though within the home. He's logged on, working. My DH works a day a week at home and I just crack on with life as usual. You just have to sort of pretend he's not there. He's not there, really. He's not there to help around the house. Remember, he's earning as he works and work is work, wherever you do it.

I think the way they see it is: We manage without them when they are physically at work, so we should be able to manage the same when they are home 'at work'. And they're sort of right. Somehow, I manage the three kids in the morning when DH has already left for work. So of course I can manage when he works from home. You really have to pretend he's not there. OR ask him to change his ways. My DH does the school run for me on his work from home day and this is huge. And he makes a mean breakfast for us from time to time.

The thing is, my DH is really aware of how much I do and how little I sleep and how full my daily life is. So he doesn't help much but he's incredibly supportive and kind. This means everything to me. Does your DH appreciate all that you do?

BathshebaDarkstone Fri 25-Sep-15 12:13:39

YANBU. I'm wondering how you could get him to help though. confused

QuiteLikely5 Fri 25-Sep-15 12:14:20

Oh dear. I can't believe such selfish arseholes exist. How dare he refuse to watch his own children whilst their mother takes a shower!

Do not tolerate this sort of disrespect.

If he wants to be a father then he should bloody act like one otherwise tell him to leave and he can have his children every weekend where he can look after them himself.

He's got it very nice leaving nice and early whilst returning at 7pm knowing you will have dealt with most of the day's legwork in regards to the children.

Please find a backbone and put your foot right down.

Bogburglar99 Fri 25-Sep-15 12:16:05

I have 7 and 9 year olds, the elder one with ASD. DHs job is demanding but he frequently works from home. School runs are still a challenge because of DS' issues.

He normally helps out with the morning stuff and starts on his work after we exit the door about 8. It's a godsend.

However, it is important for him that I understand that working at home doesn't = available whenever I need something. He will let me know how demanding or otherwise that day's work is, and tempting as it is I try only to ask his help if I really need it. That's the 'pretend he's in the office' part.

I also allow a quid pro quo that if he helps me at the times I need it most, I may need to give a bit back by way of sorting house out while he works late in the evening / covering a bit of weekend working or whatever.

Time for an open and honest conversation with DH, who is probably adjusting to what working at home feels like and may have a great deal of guilt about needing to prove he's delivering. Does he, for example, feel that he's 'finishing' at 3 to pick your son up and therefore needs to start at 7 to get a full day in? Obviously I don't know your DS but when mine were 5 covering 3 hours would have reduced my output a good deal even with a film on?

Tiggeryoubastard Fri 25-Sep-15 12:17:31

Is he starting early so he can finish early to do the school run? If so I can see his point. If not then he's BU.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Fri 25-Sep-15 12:17:52

How long does it take for him to do the school run? Is it logging in early so that he can "make up" for that time?

Is it possible that he could start at 8am and help you first, and then skip lunch that day to make up the time? Would his company allow that?

I don't think you can work from home and do childcare at the same time, it doesn't work. Everything gets a half-assed job. But theoretically he could start later, unless his agreement with his employer is that he'll start earlier in exchange for being able to regularly work from home.

Thelastthneed44 Fri 25-Sep-15 12:18:59

YANBU. He's starting work.earlier to get out of helping. He doesn't have to start at that time, does he?

Rainuntilseptember15 Fri 25-Sep-15 12:19:15

he says he doesn't understand why I just don't get on with it and treat like the days he's in the office
Because it's one fucking day in the week when he could support his partner with the children and redress the imbalance of work he has to do with them. How would he manage without you?
I love escaping to work before the dcs get up on the days I work, but then I do the other half of the week with them. Your situation sounds unfair and sounds like he doesn't appreciate how hard it is. How can he sit in one room while you struggle in another, when his start time is flexible.

RandomSocks Fri 25-Sep-15 12:20:55

What is he actually doing when he logs on at 7am? is he cracking on efficiently with loads of work that would otherwise take him much longer (hence he actually gets more done when he is working from home than he would do if he had to commute to work)? Or is he fiddling about and doing things that don't need to be done, surfing the net, etc?

If the former, then he is still being unreasonable, he could start at 8:20. If the latter, then he is taking the piss.

deeedeee Fri 25-Sep-15 12:22:30

"Does he, for example, feel that he's 'finishing' at 3 to pick your son up and therefore needs to start at 7 to get a full day in? Obviously I don't know your DS but when mine were 5 covering 3 hours would have reduced my output a good deal even with a film on?"

That's a good point, and one he brings up. The school is 5 mins away. DS will sit like a in a coma if a film is on. In my mind it's a half hour if that out of his day. But he does often refer to it as "finishing early". Despite the fact he'll still take a lunch break.

He is generally wonderful. He isn't a lazy arse, he does loads with the kids, he does housework (not as much as me admittedly, but then i'm at home more). But this argument keeps reoccurring and i hate it. We need a good chat i think.

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer Fri 25-Sep-15 12:22:43

He is BU.

And an arse

And engineering getting out of his responsibilities.

Jengnr Fri 25-Sep-15 12:23:32

If he doesn't need to start until his normal time he's being a massive twat.

My husband wfh on a Friday so this morning his shower/dress/commute time was spent watching the kids while I went to bed for an hour as I was up all night with the baby.

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer Fri 25-Sep-15 12:25:06

Isn't it amazing how he chooses to make up the school run time just then. Rather than, say, leaving at 6.30 the following morning.

He clearly sees childcare as a favour to you, not something for which he is jointly responsible.

deeedeee Fri 25-Sep-15 12:25:16

"How can he sit in one room while you struggle in another, when his start time is flexible."

this is my point!

I think he is cracking on with work from 7am.

RaskolnikovsGarret Fri 25-Sep-15 12:25:42

I work from home on Fridays. I will usually come down, start work at 6, stop at 7 to do the emptying dishwasher/school bags/child related tasks, and resume work afterwards. DH and I share the morning tasks in the same way we do every other morning when we both physically go out to work. Wfh is not an excuse to forget you have a family. hmm YANBU

Preminstreltension Fri 25-Sep-15 12:26:33

The "treat him as if he's not there" thing is not right. 7am is not his normal start time. He's just not taking his share of the family work load.

If he needed to crack on he'd start work at 6, break for an hour at your pinch time of 7-8 and then get back to work afterwards.

I'm always amazed at all these parents giving themselves extra points because they work FT. I'm one of millions of single parents working FT and there are no bonus points for me. If you are a parent and you work FT you are not exempted from doing any other sort of work.

ilovesooty Fri 25-Sep-15 12:27:27

If he's working from home he's working, just the same as if he were in the office. However he doesn't have the commuting time and that needs to be used to fulfil his family responsibility.

ilovesooty Fri 25-Sep-15 12:29:05

And yes, if he's flexible he can start earlier and make himself available to pitch in.

catlover97 Fri 25-Sep-15 12:31:06

He is BU. My DH is SAHP and I work full time, one day a week at home...the day I'm at home I absolutely pull my weight - breakfast, uniform, games kit etc etc...partly to give DH a break but partly to spend time with DS that I don't get to spend with him the other 4 weekdays!

deeedeee Fri 25-Sep-15 12:32:21

thanks all.

I think we're going to have a proper chat about this tonight, so good to feel as if i'm not mental! Need to find a compromise, because we're both really fed up with it just now.

He also left the kids bags, coats and bike in the car last night when he picked them both up after work from friend's houses, as I had to work from 6pm yesterday. So this morning I had the go down to the car and get all them too! gah!

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