to think my friend's reason for cancelling is very rude

(78 Posts)
Nothavingfunrightnow Thu 24-Sep-15 14:00:26

We made plans about 6 weeks ago to get together this weekend. Friend called to say that her DH had invited friends over that night so she has to cancel our plans. Her DH's plans were made after ours. The invited friends are not traveling from abroad - they live locally.

Is it not rude of her to blow me out because her H has made other plans?

Then again, I suppose if she wanted to see me, should could have told him she had plans??

or AIBU?

sleepyelectricsheep Thu 24-Sep-15 14:02:33

Yes it's rude. What's the deal with her H. Is he controlling?

Was she apologetic about standing you up?

Floggingmolly Thu 24-Sep-15 14:05:05

Incredibly rude and completely thoughtless. It's putting you firmly in your place in her hierarchy of people who matter, and you're right at the bottom, apparently. sad

goldiesoxx Thu 24-Sep-15 14:05:18

YANBU. It's very rude. I'd be really cross.

Nothavingfunrightnow Thu 24-Sep-15 14:06:19

No, he is not controlling. They have a very balanced marriage by all accounts. Yes, she was extremely apologetic.

I am pissed off and hurt.

She and another friend were supposed to be supporting me through a shit time. (I am actually doing okay in that respect, but that was the reason for us getting together.)

Nothavingfunrightnow Thu 24-Sep-15 14:07:38

Ironically it is the other friend who always cancels - usually because she has double booked.

Ah, well, I suppose I should wake up and smell the roses! If they wanted to see me, they would, eh?

Scobberlotcher Thu 24-Sep-15 14:08:46

yes it's rude.

Have you told her how you feel about it?

Nothavingfunrightnow Thu 24-Sep-15 14:10:16

No, Scobberlotcher. I am don't have the courage to. I reckon it will end the friendship - then again clearly my friendship does not mean that much to her!

What could or should I say?

AnotherEmma Thu 24-Sep-15 14:13:24

Tell her to tell her husband she made plans before him so she's still going.

Nothavingfunrightnow Thu 24-Sep-15 14:15:57

I cannot be arsed to do that, AnotherEmma. She knew about those plans so she could have told him. Besides, I don't want to force her to see me!

God, I sound like such a wimp. I am not really!

TheCraicDealer Thu 24-Sep-15 14:24:03

I'd be honest with her- "I was really looking forward to seeing you. I'm really disappointed you've prioritized seeing your other friends when this was organised six weeks ago", and see what she says.

I wouldn't try to force or guilt her into coming, once you know they're there because of a sense of obligation it's just shit. But she needs to know it's not ok and that you'll call her out on it.

laffymeal Thu 24-Sep-15 14:27:46

I would just stop contacting her. If she was a decent friend she wouldn't behave like this.

Birdfromblighty Thu 24-Sep-15 14:28:03

We had been invited to Dinner at the brother in laws house with his wife to say thank you for all the help we had given renovating their house. It was arranged three weeks in advance. An hour before we were due to drive the 40 miles to their house he phones and says, and I quote " we will have to cancel you for dinner tonight as had the chance to invite some friends round, which will be a much better night" . Knob. I think I was more insulted by the fact he didn't think to save our feelings by lying, feigning illness or something. Some people are not worth the effort

AnnPerkins Thu 24-Sep-15 14:43:14

Absolutely it's rude. Say what TheCraicDealer suggests. It's not OK and she needs to know that.

Birdfromblighty shock how did you respond?

Nothavingfunrightnow Thu 24-Sep-15 14:43:18

Bloody hell, Birdfromblighty! That takes the piss! I hope you won't be offering them anymore help!

Yes, I am just going to leave it and move on. Will stop contacting her and the other friend.

Joolsy Thu 24-Sep-15 14:50:28

I agree with TheCraicm, though I would probably text her if you're not confident saying it to her

Birdfromblighty Thu 24-Sep-15 14:57:34

Well we seethed quietly for some time, and then they phoned and asked DH to help with some decorating ( the brass neck of them)! DH said he would have done but we had friends to see and that would be a much better time. I don't think BiL got it. I think we learnt a lesson though and you do right to put your time and effort elsewhere. Good luck

TheCraicDealer Thu 24-Sep-15 15:00:43

DH said he would have done but we had friends to see and that would be a much better time. I don't think BiL got it.

Eugh, Bird, it's so annoying when people are to obtuse to even be offended.

TheCraicDealer Thu 24-Sep-15 15:00:59



GrandHighWitch Thu 24-Sep-15 15:01:16

I get so bloody annoyed by the bullshit that people spout instead of simply saying "I had a better offer". DH is completely fecking useless at coordinating dates and has left me having to call friends and explain we had already made plans before their invitation. Even if his more recently made plans are a billion times more exciting than going round to Aunt Mabel's for a dry slice of fruit cake, I always stand firm that we don't cancel.
We have maintained a really hard line with the DC on this too. If they accept an invitation then get a better offer it is tough shit - I will not have them growing up to think that such phenomenally rude behaviour is acceptable.
The trouble with confronting friends about this sort of behaviour is that they often get very defensive and it makes it even more of a big deal. Just bear in mind that they are not very reliable friends and move on.

Nothavingfunrightnow Thu 24-Sep-15 15:17:10

I texted said friend, saying I was really disappointed and could she not have pointed out to her husband that we had had plans. Her reply: " Yes, I know! I am useless. LOL"

That says more than enough.

Scobberlotcher Thu 24-Sep-15 15:20:18


bloody lol?

Are you still scared of losing the friendship?

Lol. I'd shove her lol where the sun don't shine.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams Thu 24-Sep-15 15:30:27

Text her back "Why don't you shove your LOL where the sun doesn't shine"

Nothavingfunrightnow Thu 24-Sep-15 15:34:46

Nah. Not replying at all.

The other mutual friend is even worse. I am not putting up with it anymore. I don't need a friendship like that - the joke is they were supposed to be taking me out to support me during the break up of my marriage.

Rude people that they are!

Anyway, Oh Mighty Nest of Vipers: Onwards and Upwards! smile

Buddy80 Thu 24-Sep-15 15:44:27

That is pretty bad.

Maybe, just maybe she thinks you are more easy going that you would be fine to switch to another day.

But, probably not and I think it is rude.

You deserve better. Ditch this "friend".

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