AIBU to think that rise above/ keep your dignity is not always the best way?(17 Posts)
You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.
Or we could accept that one person's quiet dignity is another's rolling over and taking it. MN does seem to attract the extremes of both aggressive and conflict-averse personalities though.
My life rule is:
Don't give anyone any ammunition to use against you, in any circumstances.
I'm not one to actively avoid confrontation, but I prefer to choose battles, confrontation of any sort makes me feel worse and I dwell on things too much. So for my own sanity, I 'rise above' or 'maintain dignity'
Interesting, OP, I've been having difficulties with someone (friend not partner) and posted it about here. Most of the replies were indeed to rise above it.
In my case, I can understand why as I honestly think that with some people, they have so little self-awareness that reacting to their behaviour will either antagonise them, or make them pleased to have provoked you. This will just continue the cycle.
"Rising above it" isn't very therapeutic in the short-term but I think in the long-term it's often the least stressful and most sensible option for everyone!
Yes I think for some people "rise above it" can be a cop out. if you are being treated unfairly, being taken for granted by friends or colleagues, spoken to rudely etc it is not confrontational to address that and in my opinion it's unhealthy to just take it.
I have a friend who takes all sorts of crap in work but doesn't open her mouth to correct assumptions or address issues. She then fumes about the situation (to me) yet any suggestions that involve her actually speaking up are met with no i wouldn't lower myself, it's more dignified to rise above it etc. I don't understand why people think there is any dignity in being a walk over. In the case of my friend I would argue that she hasn't risen above anything if it causes her to feel so angry!
I often get it wrong and stay silent when I should be sticking up for myself and visa versa. No one is perfect and you aren't going to get I right all of the time, my general formula for life is we are all equals. When someone treats me unfairly/disrespectful/patronise those are the only times I try to say something...but I don't always get it right thankfully I have lots of lovely friends so don't encounter this issue with anyone I really care about
I often get it wrong and stay silent when I should be sticking up for myself and visa versa. Me too!
It's a balance. If confrontation won't achieve anything, it's not worth doing IMO. Far better to 'rise above it' in those circumstances.
However, in other cases, confrontation is necessary. IMO though it works better when conducted calmly, not in the heat of the moment.
Best example I can think of? Leaving an X. Absolutely no point in talking about who did what or what went wrong if you've already decided you can't fix things. Far better to stay business like and even friendly if you can manage it. However, should X start playing silly buggers over division of assets, or child access/maintenance arrangements, you refuse to engage with him and instruct your solicitor.
There are times when rise above/maintain your dignity is the correct course. Probably most times.
But the other times - I would describe them as the times when the other party is depending on you taking that stance in order to manipulate you. That 1% of the people who feel they can get their own way and tough shit if it makes life difficult for the 99%, they're all too polite to call me out on it so I'll get my own way yah boo sucks to you all. Those times - fuck dignity, I take absolute pleasure in going nuclear and ripping their face off. And I feel my dignity is
enhanced intact afterwards too.
I'm not one for this approach either. I'm a fire with fire and an eye for am eye kinda lass. May the hardest knock win and all. I too baffled by the whole - I'm so offended, it's so offensive, is it me or was this rude, she said this to me culture on here. I've never seen this in real life. People here just tell each other to fuck off and that's the end of it
I've was taught the rise above it stance as a child. I followed it as a school child and if it wasn't the reason why I was bullied it was probably the reason why that bullying escalated.
Unfortunately I haven't been able to shake the stance off as an adult and I am definitely seen as a push over at work.
I am going to encourage my DC to be more assertive.
YANBU. Sometimes when people are being cunts it's ok to behave similarly. I wish I had when I was treated badly at the beginning of the year!
I don't ever seek out battles, nor do I have many enemies. I do, however, stand up for myself and what's right, and have no problem confronting issues in order to work things out, and whilst I agree that behaving with dignity is important, so is being brave.
When Ex and I split up (cliched OW scenario, but several OWs) I acted with dignity and rose above it. Not once have I acted the bollock or let myself down. Not once have I needed to be ashamed of my actions. But nor have I allowed him to steamroller me or DS1, and he's even now (almost 10 years later) very aware that I am in charge.
My DCs aren't assertive in the scrappy sense; they've never started fights. But they're very hot on right versus wrong and if they're wronged they're happy to stand up for themselves. DH is very non-confrontational and I have always been determined that the DCs must not be such pushovers.
I find it best to deal with situations and be honest. If someone is being an arse, tell them. You don't have to go mad or attack, just state how you feel.
I's no good rising above anything unless you can then let it go and not dwell on it.
If people don't like you being honest it's not your problem.
Oh, it's just one of those sayings that makes the person posting it feel better about themselves. It's much much easier to tell someone else to rise above it, be stoical, be brave, whatever than to do it oneself. I'd bet my last penny that almost none of those dispensing such wise advice follow it in their own lives.
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