Flat mate woes(311 Posts)
I think I am being unreasonable and very petty but my patience is at its tether and lack of sleep is sapping at my ability to reason…
The problem is with my flatmate. As background, DP and I live in a shared flat to save money for a deposit. It’s one of these “spareroom.com” deals where all bills are included in the price of the room and you move in with total strangers. Fortunately 2 are delightful but the box room houses a girl who, frankly, is a total horror.
She is very loud, incapable of cleaning up after herself, she creates such mess and destruction in her wake that it takes half an hour of cleaning/tidying before the kitchen is useable every day. She rarely showers, smokes in her room (not allowed, we’ve all complained, nada), has no concept of boundaries (often comes in to our room, will literally follow me around the house) etc. We have spoken to her kindly, tried leaving her mess but it affects us all, spoken to agents, spoken to her less kindly… Nothing.
Now she’s started doing earlier shifts so gets up at 4.30am. In the hall is a very bright light that wakes us all up if turned on because of glass panels above bedroom doors. She knows this, she could easily get her stuff ready in her room/the kitchen with door shut and avoid waking us up, but no, every sodding morning we are all woken up with the bright lights and her stomping. My other housemate works til an average of 3am and has explained to her the effect this has, I have told her repeatedly. For what it’s worth my DP also starts work at 6am regularly yet manages to not wake up anyone despite making me breakfast for when I wake up, ironing a shirt etc. because he does it in the bloody kitchen. With the door shut. Without the bloody light.
ARGH. So this morning it happens again, I don’t get back to sleep, I work in frontline NHS and frankly being woken up at 4.30am daily when a second of forethought from the selfish cow would solve it all is getting too much.
Have I been unreasonable to unscrew the offending light bulb and hide it to stop this going on? She can’t reach it & probably won’t understand what’s happened. For what it’s worth, DP and the other 2 are behind me with this. Sorry for essay.
YANBU but you are going to struggle to sort it.
Switch the bulb for a low wattage and black out the window above the door.
Ask her to leave? Sorry for your troubles I know how awful it is living with an immature selfish semi adult. Can't see how she ll improve without her moving on and learning from it. Best of luck
Loosen the bulb so it doesn't connect but looks as though it's blown. She will think it needs replacing. If nobody replaces it and she can't reach she will have to ask you to do it. Then say no.
Her dad has paid her rent for a year so agents won't kick her out.
It's awful. She uses the kitchen and hall as an extension of her bedroom, stuff everywhere, we all just pile it by her door now, she never washes up and when she does it needs redoing, she follows me around doing like a running commentary "oh you're swinging wine again, why are you eating rabbit food, where are you going when will you be back..." I actually suspect some sort of learning difficulties perhaps, definitely not ASD just utter lack of social awareness or care for the rest of us
You can buy black-out material quite cheaply in, say, John Lewis so get a bit of that and fix it to the panel above the door. I think removing the bulb is a great idea - I was going to suggest going for a lower wattage but your way is better!! You say that you have spoken to her nicely and less nicely - have you tried just losing it and yelling at her? She sounds absolutely awful and nothing else is working. Or how about you and the other tenants banding together and threatening the landlord with a mass exodus unless she is chucked out? Sleep disturbance/deprivation is a form of torture!!
I take it you all have separate tenancy agreements? If so they probably have covenants allowing you quiet enjoyment - if not that's an implied covenant anyway. So you need to get on to the agent to say that the landlord is in breach of that covenant and unless he does something about this girl you and the other tenants will take action against him to enforce it.
Kitchen foil works brilliantly as black out material. Just tape that over the glass panel. Removing/changing the bulb also sounds like a good idea!
She does sound hugely annoying though. You have my sympathy.
Do you know anyone who would take over her room? If you could back up your threat to leave with an alternative - a person ready to come in and take over the rent, the landlord has no shortfall to worry about or can use this as an argument against her going.
She's now texting me so say how unreasonable I am and that one of the housemates doesn't mind (he does he's just kinder than the rest of us) so the rest of us should get over it as 'it's her flat too'.
She doesn't know I've taken the bulb. All guilt is now gone :-) although tomorrow at 5 might be interesting. Fortunately DP and I are both out late tonight.
It's like living with a loud stinky unreasonable troll. She cannot ever accept responsibility for smithing. Most the cutlery, pans etc are mine and she thinks that I should wash them even if someone else has used them because I own them, or that just because one of the boys has left a single plate on the side she shouldn't have to wash up her own piles of shit.
Anything not smithing (what is smithing, autocorrect?!)
We have all complained so many times. The neighbour has complained about her specifically. All falls on deaf ears. It's a brilliant flat in perfect location otherwise.
Can you write house rules that apply to everyone? Stick them up and ask everyone to sign them.
Tough though, people like this never change.
Tried it. Also, we're adults, not kids at boarding school...
She relies on my 6"2 DP to reach things / fix curtains etc and every night a minimum of 6 times she screeches DPPPPPP DPPPPPP do this! He's kind so usually does but this is ending now. If she can't be reasonable neither can we. Game on.
It's probably time to go a bit more 'hard core' even if it will be slightly dissuptive to the goodwill and niceness between the other tenants. She needs to either buck up her ideas or move out.
Sit down as a house and have a house meeting. Agree a set of rules ie no personal stuff to be left in kitchen and sitting room. Everyone to use their own pans and plates etc. No washing up to be left, ever.
Then if anything is left dirty, it can be bagged up and put by their door or in their kitchen cupboard or something.
Don't talk to her. Don't engage with her at all. If she ties to ask you annoying questions just shrug and ignore.
Give her one warning, at the house meeting, that she is not to ever enter your room without permission. If she comes into your room again go radio fucking mental at her and shout at her.
Hopefully she'll feel she's being 'victimised' and will want to move out.
Has she been to uni and had experience of living wth other people? Some people are just total fuck wits who don't understand basic social norms about running along together in shared flats (quiet, clean, tidy, compromise).
I'm not surprised her dad paid up her rent for a year. I wonder if she's had problems before and got bounced back home.
YANBU for removing the bulb - I'd have done exactly the same, and I'd have done it after asking her nicely once to not switch the hall light on.
I know you shouldn't have to, but you are doing the right thing by just piling her stuff up by her door, or better still, can you just put it inside her room so the hall doesn't look messy? She has no qualms about going in her flatmates' rooms so she can't exactly complain if someone goes in hers.
When does her tenancy expire? If you know someone else who's looking for a room, you can say this to the landlord and implore them to not renew her tenancy agreement, but ask them to make sure they do all the tenancy-ending strictly by the book; proper period of notice, etc.
Can you dump her dirty plates etc back in her room - maybe on her bed?
Or get all your housemates together, and have a free and frank discussion about her dirty-mare ways?
I think I would be turning the light on and off all night, and stomping up and down the hall, when she has to get up early for work, too. And your dh needs to stop helping her.
" DPPPPPP DPPPPPP do this!" DP - "No. Not until you stop being such a selfish, thoughtless, dirty nightmare!!"
You just need to stop engaging with her. Why on earth would your DP do things for her when she has no respect? She calls for DP - reply once "call the LL if you have an issue with your curtains rail" then do not speak to her.
Encouraging her to call the LL all the time about minor things might make him more amenable to getting rid of her!
You need to make it a much more inhospitable place for her to live.
I thought you would all call me cruel and unreasonable! Thank you for advice.
I've shouted, been nice, even left notes with clear instructions (not passive aggressive), the boys have shouted... Nothing is ever her fault there are always bullshit excuses. She twists it on us. So for example I shouted at her for leaving all her clothes and shoes all over the kitchen surfaces and apparently I left all my clothes in there too. Yes dear, in the washing machine because the cycle finished while 1 was at work. There is no reasoning with her.
She's 20, we are all mid-late 20s with degrees so experience sharing. I have no sympathy though. We have been kind and patient. I've tried to explain how washing up as you go is quicker and easier and that the kitchen/ hall are not her bedroom.
This leaves aside her weird boyfriend and their loud sex and arguments
Ugh I miss living alone where everything was spotless.
Her dad has paid her rent for a year so agents won't kick her out.
One wonders why ...
I had to block out the light on similar glass panels to stop the hall light shining into my sons room....you can buy some amazing sticky back lino stuff in thick matt black that blocks the light entirely and peels right off when u need to leave the flat. I got it from wilkinsons near the paint/diy section...was a godsend.
You have my sympathy regarding your flatmate, she sounds like one of lifes truly selfish bastards...i lived with some of these in my student days. I hope she gets lost in her own dirty dishes
I had a flat mate a bit like that. He just sued everything, all space, crockery, cups, pans, other people's food... he even slung his washing into the machine and, when asked why he had done so, explained that there wasn't much so we wouldn't notice or mind it going through with ours. He also left 2 shirts 'out to be ironed' once. The other man in the house popped them into the bin.
We saved up all the pots and pans, ate from a picnic set for 2 weeks. Once all the crockery was used, some full of mouldy food, half drunk drinks, sour milk etc, we built a wall of shame against his room door - after he had gone to bed. We made sure to lean everything against the door in a precarious manner.
We all pretended to be out when he opened his door the following morning, dressed in his work suit (he didn't shower much), carrying his briefcase, open!!
He went quite beserk, shouting, screaming, called the LL and everything. All he got in return was half muffled giggles and a cleaning bill from the LL.
You do occasionally find such people, they are ever entitled, you are ever wrong, nasty and usually some kind of '-ist' to boot.
You are going to have to have a Hose Meeting... get the apparently 'not bothered' housemate to call it. Stand firm, let her work it out for herself: her behaviour has consequences she may not like.
Argh she has now started a barrage of 'nice' messages that I'm ignoring. Seriously not looking forward to her finding out I've nicked the bulb.
She's just so awful and never showers and malts everywhere and I can't stand her ! She does the overly nice act too and follows me about and I can't handle confrontation. Really don't want to resort to picnic sets (impressive !!) but I have taken my nice set of knives out the kitchen because she uses them and then leaves them dirty / to rust.
Driving home from work now and she will be there. Ughhhhh. I'll update. In the meantime please keep these stories coming.
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