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to think my OH will eventually leave me?

(17 Posts)
marzipancustard Sun 20-Sep-15 09:04:55

Posting this at risk of outing myself but need input & don't have anyone to talk to IRL.

I have moderate ME & depression which can be severe but is usually manageable. Because of my health problems I had to give up a well paid career path to start my own business earning significantly less. My OH supported my decision. Currently I'm managing to run my business but not much else. Working takes up all my energy so evenings & most weekends I'm wiped out & recovering. Have no time or energy for sex or to do fun stuff with OH. We spend a lot of our time watching TV which OH is happy with but is a far cry from our lives pre my illness.

I've had a particularly bad week this week where everyday I've been in bed from finishing work at 3/4. I am physically & emotionally drained and struggling with my mental health - so it may be the depression talking. But I can't help thinking my darling OH who is so understanding patient & compassionate will surely wake up one day and realise he could have a much better life with someone else?

He's never said anything to lead me to believe this and when I raise it with him he always says he'd rather be looking after me than living it up with anyone else. But surely one day he's going to run out of patience and leave? I'm 26, we're hoping to have DC in the next few years if I manage to recover a bit but atm we're just about scraping by - health wise and financially. I've had bad experiences with previous partners but my OH is the best person I've ever known. I can't help but think I don't deserve him tbh. AIBU?

GloGirl Sun 20-Sep-15 09:11:22

I've learnt that if I sit down with my DH and say "I'm afraid of XYZ. I hate myself because of ABC" I am not going to talk him into leaving. He won't suddenly declare "By God you're right, you're an awful banshee! I'm off."

More often than not when we talk through the problems, he makes me feel better by explaining how he feels and how he sees it from his side.

Rarely when I've done it he has also said "I'm unhappy due to X too." Which leads to open communication and a plan to sort it out.

You sound tired and it sounds temporary. If you have a partner you don't have to carry burdens alone flowers

Sunshineandsilverbirch Sun 20-Sep-15 09:13:14

You're unwell. It's the depression talking.

Speak to your oh, tell him your worries. You'll feel so much better.

Pilgit Sun 20-Sep-15 09:14:34

It his decision to be with you. Would you leave him if he became ill? Dealing with depression and ME is awful. I have been there and spend my life doing battle on a daily basis. It does get easier and you can bring yourself back to 'you'. Small steps, small things. Your OH hasn't given up on you. Don't give up on yourself.

lornathewizzard Sun 20-Sep-15 09:19:50

I agree you should talk to him. Communication is important, especially if you're having a bad time of it.

WineIsMyMainVice Sun 20-Sep-15 09:23:09

There are some wise words of advice here.
You must tell oh how you feel. Hopefully these feelings will subside.
I hope you feel better soon.

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant Sun 20-Sep-15 09:25:24

Maybe you need to slow the business down a bit?

Make an appt with your gp for the depression, and take your dh with you. At leat he will see you are not trying to be a pain!

And lastly, a friend (I will call her Emma) was in a similar situation with ME. She had a wheel chair most days. (Fred) had to do most of their housework as well as keeping his full time job. Then she fell pregnant with dd1. She was totally exhausted. When dd1 was born, she was a million times better. Dd1 is now 6, Emma has not used her wheel chair for 6 years. They also have ds1 and dd2.

There is hope!

marzipancustard Sun 20-Sep-15 09:29:06

Thank you all for your posts - I have spoken to him about it & he says I'm being 'daft' & he's here for good. I'm also on antidepressants for my depression but still struggling sad

ohtheholidays Sun 20-Sep-15 10:02:31

I completely understand where your coming from Marzipan,because the life I'm now living with my DH is completely different to the life we used to share together.

I met my DH nearly 10 years ago,I was a single mum to 4DC,I was at college,I was working part time and I was vice chair of our local sure start.Life was really good and really busy,I was always on the go.

DH was on his own, he was one of the good one's,no children,good job as a policeman,own house,nice car.

We got together on Valentines day,by the september we were living together,he loved the children as if they were his own and they loved him,he proposed and I accepted.

Just over a year after we got together I fell pregnant with our youngest DD,wasn't planned I was on the pill injection.Whilst I was in labor the hospital made a lot of mistakes,they managed to give me an infection,gave me medication I was allergic to so I nearly had a heart attack whilst in labor and ended up with clots on my lungs.

Just over a year after having our DD my health really deteriorated,I suffered a rare form of brain damage and six months later we found out that DD was disabled.

Since then our life is completely different,it's like our world has been turned on it's head.

My DH has had to become my full time carer,he also looks after our 5DC and is a carer for our DD8 and our DS14,DD and DS are both autistic,DD is on the more extreme end of the spectrum,DS also has dyspraxia,DD has physical disabilitys as well,her ligaments and joints are to lax so sometimes she has to go in a wheelchair,she has problems with her bowels and her eyes and has to wear special insoles in her shoes.

I have to be in a wheelchair all the time now(well supposed to be)there's been times where my husband has had to feed me,bathe me,wash my hair,shave my legs,brush my teeth,help me get on the toilet.

There have been times where I've needed as much care as a newborn baby would need.

My health continues to deteriorate and I now have to take over 11,000 tablets a year to keep me alive.

I'd been in very abusive relationships in the past,I'd been married years before and he was abusive,my DH had been married years before and his ex was abusive to him as well.

Honestly I don't know how my DH hasn't run as fast as he could on many occasions.But he hasn't he loves me and I love him.I think your relationship will be fine,but you need to talk to your husband and tell him your worrys.

Duggee Sun 20-Sep-15 11:02:25

Can you afford for you to stop working? It might give you more time to recharge yourself and give you more quality time with your husband. If not, he has reassured you he wants to help you through your illness. You have to put your trust in him to help you through. The stress of worrying will make you fell worse.

froggyjump Sun 20-Sep-15 12:51:32

I was in your husband's position - my DH became very ill with depression, which also affected his physical health. It never occurred to me to leave him when he was ill - we were a team and working together to get him better. It was hard work, and we had 3 DC and I had a full time job too, but we got through it.

Since he is recovering, sometimes he forgets that I went through it too, and becomes selfish - that is more likely to make me bin him!

So I guess I'm saying the same as everyone else, talk to him and let him know you appreciate what he does for you - it's easy to see from your post that you do, but he may need to be told flowers

marzipancustard Sun 20-Sep-15 20:37:24

Thank you so much to everyone who's posted. It's so difficult to get perspective when my 'internal voice' is essentially cruel & negative sad

ohtheholidays What a terrible ordeal for you. Your relationship with your DH must be very strong to withstand so many storms. I wish you and your family all the best - health wise & otherwise flowers

U2HasTheEdge Sun 20-Sep-15 21:14:45

My husband could have written this.

He has bipolar. Can't work right now and I'm the only breadwinner.

He often thinks that I will up and leave him, especially as I'm now working and planning on going to uni and becoming more independent than ever, while he struggles.

The fact is, I love him. Every bit of him, just as he is and I aint going anywhere. I am sure your husband isn't either.

Talk to him thanks

ohtheholidays Sun 20-Sep-15 21:38:46

Thankyou Marzipan that's very kind of you smile

I have a friend that I went to school with,she was always a lovely girl and she's grown into a lovely wormen and a wonderful mum,she also has ME and has had it for along time now and hers is quite severe.

She was diagnosed not that long after she married her DH and she had to give up work,but they've gone onto have a child and are still very happy and very much in love and there's been times where her DH has had to look after her and they're LO when she was first born and she needed as much care as they're child.There's been times her husband had to take weeks at a time of work.We're all 40 and in our 40's as well and my friend didn't have her LO till she was in her late 30's.

I think because I've had relationships in the past where I wasn't treated well it seems to make it that much harder to except that someone so right and good and kind can not only love you but wants to look after you.It takes some work but you can learn to feel like you deserve that kind of love,it's taken me a good few years to start feeling that way but it's so worth it when you start allowing someone to treat you the right way the way you should have always been treated. flowers

Sunshineandsilverbirch Sun 20-Sep-15 21:45:46

Mr Marzipan sounds lovely. But you sound lovely too. Get well soon

Topaz25 Mon 21-Sep-15 12:45:50

I can identify with a lot of your post. I'm your age, I suffered from ME as a teenager and although I feel a lot better now than I did then, my energy levels still fluctuate. I also suffer from depression, which has had an impact on my relationship and I have made the change from being employed to running my own business.

I know that it's difficult but, if at all possible, consider cutting back your hours with your business. I understand the pressure you are under but your health has to be your priority, looking after yourself is an investment in your future.

Make sure you are getting all the medical help and benefits you are entitled to. Sadly, sometimes you have to push for these things, which I know is harder when you are ill. Are you receiving counselling? Ask your GP about IAPT (Improving Access to Psychological Therapies) services in your area. Also contact MIND, the mental health charity, for support. I'm on antidepressants and they do help but it is a good idea to combine them with talking therapy to deal with the underlying issues. Try to see if you are entitled to any benefits as this could help to relieve the financial pressure.

Your OH loves you and it is your illness making you think you are undeserving of that love. As you get the help you need, things will become clearer. Thinking of you flowers

PassiveAgressiveQueen Mon 21-Sep-15 12:52:51

as you are this unwell, why are you running your own business?
If it brings in "significantly less" could you do without it?

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