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To not let DH feed DS again?

(134 Posts)
BumWad Sat 19-Sep-15 03:49:27

Surely IANBU.

I look at after 16 week old (8 weeks corrected) DS all week, DH works and sleeps in the spare room. We agreed that he would look after DS at the weekend nights allowing me to get some sleep.

DS has had a bit of a cold (his first one!) so his feeding has been a bit off however he has picked up. I have been making sure that I feed him atleast every 4 hours as he has been sleeping longer at night however not been feeding his required 'amount'.

At 22:00 last night I left DH with instructions to wake DS and feed him at approx 1am and 5am. I am currently pumping as DS refused breast at 12 weeks. I had left 2 bottles of ebm in the fridge.

So whilst I was pumping at 3:00 I heard DH get up to feed baby. I asked DH what had gone on, DH had great pleasure in informing me DS had slept woohoo! angry

DH then brought the milk up for DS, I asked how much and he said oh 90ml. I asked why he wasnt given him any more confused as there were 2 bottles in the fridge, and he usually has around 115ml per feed, DH then decided to tell me he had spilt a whole bottle by accident. As you can imagine I am still furious at that. The thing is if I hadn't asked how much he was feeding DS he would have just given him a lesser amount and left it at that!!!

Luckily as I was expressing I added a bit more milk to DS bottle.

However before then I heard DH shake the bottle of ebm to mix the infant gaviscon powder in. I have told many a time to swirl the milk not 'shake' it as some of the goodness is lost but he just does not listen.

Plus as I was going downstairs to put the expressed milk in the fridge I found a nice ring of fat on the previously expressed breastmilk bottle which DH had not warmed properly. It's the most important part of the feed ffs I have told DH so many times to make sure he warns the ebm properly so that the ring of fat is mixed in.

Sorry if it doesn't make much sense, the one night where i am able to catch up on some sleep and I'm sat in bed stressing about DS. I worry about the poor little thing probably more than I would if wasn't premature on top of having to pump regularly. I just can't seem to trust DH to feed him properly.

I feel like crying.

BumWad Sat 19-Sep-15 03:49:44

Fucking hell that was long.

BumWad Sat 19-Sep-15 03:53:18

Oh and I have lots of frozen ebm so DH could have given him some of that if I hadn't been pumping instead of just giving him a lesser amount or even given him a bit of formula.

Every time I mention the above to DH he thinks I am having a go. But why can't he just follow instructions and stop being so fucking careless?

madwomanbackintheattic Sat 19-Sep-15 03:59:35

Honestly? You're knackered, and you need to let go a bit.

In about four months you'll laugh at the crazy, but now you just need to get some sleep, try and relax. And let dh get on with feeding the baby. In whatever slightly not warm enough, shaken not stirred way he does it.

It does take a long while to relax when you have a little one who may be / may have been slightly more vulnerable. But in these cases especially, both parents need to get on and look after the baby and build their own confidence. Nothing is gained by trying to do it all yourself, and everyone has different standards.

If you were still bfing, you wouldn't know how much ds had fed, and trying to stick to numbers when he is now 8 weeks corrected is madness. He will let you know if he is still hungry. As long as he is still putting weight on you can relax about 15 mls here or there.

And of course you should let dh keep feeding his son.

Be kind to yourself, both of you will be exhausted, and knocking over ebm just happens sometimes. Tiredness and accidents go hand in hand.

Hope you have a quiet night x

Doraydiego Sat 19-Sep-15 04:11:50

Are you married to Popeye? How does shaking breastmilk damage it?

NannyOggsHedgehogs Sat 19-Sep-15 04:14:43

Take a deep breath.

Your son received adequate care from someone who loves him.

You're stressing about minor details, understandable when sleep deprived (am up feeding my 2 week old, I'm right there with you)

Daddy's need to learn for themselves, and micromanagement only breeds resentment!

DontDrinkandFacebook Sat 19-Sep-15 04:35:01

So you have a four month old baby who is starting to sleep longer and longer through the night, yet you are insisting on waking him at 1am and 5am and getting up at 3am to pump your own milk? And you still know to the millilitre how much he drinks?

Blimey. Some people make really, really hard work of parenting.

It think if your son is happy to sleep until three then you should be happy to let him. He won't starve if you don't wake him at 1am. If he needs food he will wake for it.

DontDrinkandFacebook Sat 19-Sep-15 04:36:15

Sorry I am confused, is the baby 8 weeks or 16 weeks? I don't understand confused

Thelushinthepub Sat 19-Sep-15 04:43:05

The baby was premature so born 16 weeks ago, 8 weeks early.

OP, you sound exhausted. This sounds like stressy exhausted dead of the night awfulness. You need some space and rest. I agree with the practicalities above- your H won't have damaged the water and if BF you wouldn't know how much he was taking. I don't know how long premature babies need to be woken for feeds but I certainly wouldn't have woken my DC at 8 weeks.

This must've been so so stressful for you both and pumping is really really hard. Be kind to yourself and your DH. It's his child too and he has to be able to parent how he wants (within reason)

hebihebi Sat 19-Sep-15 04:43:16

I assume the baby was 8 week premature. My first born was also slightly premature so I know how much of a worry it all is. I do agree with the others though that these are minor things and your baby will be fine.

fuzzywuzzy Sat 19-Sep-15 04:45:52

Think he is 16 weeks but born 8 weeks prematurely.

OP, try and rest. Just remind your DH to, warm the milk properly and to use frozen EBM to make up the right amount of feed. If you don't let him get on with it you'll end up exhausted doing it all yourself constantly.

Pinkrblue Sat 19-Sep-15 04:51:43

Your poor dh...give him a break. He wouldn't have spilt the milk on purpose. And you really need to get some help with your issues I think as you sound very off. You must be stressed but you'll kill your marriage if you go on like this

DontDrinkandFacebook Sat 19-Sep-15 04:52:37

Ah, ok that might put a slightly different slant on things then. I understand why the OP is a stressing over how much milk he takes now, I still think she needs to lighten up a bit!

OP as others have said, you'll look back on this in a few months time and feel a little bit daft about how stressy you were over it all. Just try to relax. Premature or not, he still won't starve if he sleeps through a feed and if he keeps sleeping through the same expected feed time then perhaps he's trying to tell you something?!

DirtyMugPolice Sat 19-Sep-15 04:56:46

If your ds will take milk from a bottle then that's a good thing - loads of babies won't touch bottles when they're used to breastfeeding (my son didn't and I was so desperate for him to, I was knackered ). So what I'm trying to say is if you have the opportunity to grab some sleep knowing your ds won't starve then take it! Sounds like you need the rest flowers

DontDrinkandFacebook Sat 19-Sep-15 04:59:19

And yes, please give your DH a break or you'll harm your relationship. Did you tell him to move into the spare room or was it his idea? I personally think that's a bad idea as while in theory at least one of you gets more sleep/less disruption than the other, I think those early weeks of disrupted sleep are something that will bond you and should be experienced together so that each has an understanding of what it's like for the other.

If you are not careful and the spare room thing goes on for too long your DH will feel pushed out and replaced by the baby. Especially if every time he tries to do his bit he is accused of doing everything wrong.

redsky21 Sat 19-Sep-15 05:05:16

Yes YABU. And a little obsessive. Why are you waking the poor baby up fgs, most people would be thrilled for their 16 week old to start sleeping longer periods. And your poor dh can do no right!

Chill out, let the baby eat when he's hungry and stop worrying about how much he's getting, he'll let you know if he needs more.
And shaking breast milk does not 'lose some of the goodness'!!

WorldsBiggestGrotbag Sat 19-Sep-15 05:32:39

Is he losing weight? If not I'm not sure why you're waking him to feed? I'm up feeding my 10 week old, at about 4 weeks shy started to sleep 6 hour stretches (sadly a thing of the past!) and I wouldn't have dreamt of waking her to feed.
Who told you that shaking it loses the goodness?
Give him a break. Mine won't take a bottle and I'd kill for a night off. We all do things differently, he is not harming your baby.

Euphemia Sat 19-Sep-15 05:54:49

You sound exhausted!

DD was premature and I'd never wake her for a feed. She let me know when she was hungry. (Every two hours day and night in the early weeks!)

Be glad your DH can feed her - plenty babies will refuse a bottle.

And you can't be angry at someone for accidentally spilling something! Have you never done that? How would it make you feel if DH was furious with you for that?

You and DH have a common goal: caring for your precious baby. Stick together as a team. Be kind to each other. smile

mathanxiety Sat 19-Sep-15 06:07:58


It sounds as if you and DH have not shared the worry of an 8 week premature baby equally, which is no easy thing to go through. You are trying to do the very best for your baby, expressing, taking care that feeding is adequate, getting up in the night to keep your supply up. I can sympathise with your fury over spilled ebm and not warming up the milk enough to dissolve the fat, and with your frustration that you can't trust him enough to let you get some worry free sleep.

I myself did not express -- couldn't produce enough after an hour to warrant the effort no matter what I did, but I worked as a nanny for mothers who did, many years ago, and these was the instructions they most emphasised -- please do not spill the milk or let it spoil and please be sure to adequately warm it so the milkfat can be consumed. These were not mothers in serious need of a good unclenching. They had healthy, full term babies and had returned to work after fairly brief mat leaves.

Please ask DH to sit down with you once the heat of battle has passed, and ask him to listen to your concerns. Before you sit down together, write down the issues. Try not to have a go at him or use an accusatory tone. But he will need to assure you he is on board and accepts your knowledge here. He needs to meet you half way here.

mathanxiety Sat 19-Sep-15 06:09:09

*these were

aurynne Sat 19-Sep-15 06:38:25

8 week old babies, whether premature or not, do NOT need to be woken up to feed, and definitely do not need to be fed "at least every 4 hours", and there is no "required amount".

Breast milk does not lose properties if shaken, neither does Gaviscon

Babies will feed different volumes of milk depending on how hungry they are. If you force-feed your baby after he has stopped wanting the breast/bottle, you are setting him up for future food issues, obesity and type II diabetes.

I feel sorry for your husband, it is his baby too, and he is doing nothing wrong.

You are indeed exhausted, but you need to admit YABU

(signed, a midwife)

Thebirdsneedseeds Sat 19-Sep-15 06:46:19

In the kindest and most gentle way...YABU. You sound like me when DS was young and I had it all wrong! I obsessed over everything and I couldn't relax when DH was looking after DS, I couldn't sleep while they were awake. I would lie awake worrying and thinking "it should be me with him, is he doing xyz?" I had post natal anxiety and I now recognise that I should have made myself step away more or sought help earlier. DH was incredibly patient, loving and thoughtful, more than able to care for our precious son and logically I knew that but I couldn't turn off my feelings that I should be doing it all.

I know it's very hard, especially when you are pumping (you sound like you are doing brilliantly btw!) but what a fantastic opportunity to get some rest!! You should go to bed and not get up til morning - you are off duty - so be off duty! If baby doesn't take much overnight then a big feed in the morning, sorted. If there's a real issue, your DH would wake you. Trust his judgement. Go to bed and rest, you need it, it's best for you and your baby.

Good luck OP flowers

Charitygirl1 Sat 19-Sep-15 06:47:07

Please do let him - if you take over everything to do with the baby you will never have a break and in a few years you will have a partner who does nothing and you'll be on your knees. It not fair to either of you and as others have said, not necessary!

MamaWren Sat 19-Sep-15 06:47:56

You'd have to shake breast milk really, really hard to damage the proteins in it.Think about the forces it's subjected to whilst being expressed/drunk/digested - it's just not that delicate. Even if there was a bit of damage, you're still giving baby the best thing for them.
Is there a breastfeeding support group you could go to? Or some support for other premie families?

ChickenTikkaMassala Sat 19-Sep-15 06:52:32

Sorry OP but YABU and you sound slightly obsessive, I was born prematurely and as I result I was in hospital for a year. From what my mum has told me your obsession seems to be on a different planet.

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