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AIBU?

Banned from looking after my DSD son...

79 replies

zeezeek · 11/09/2015 21:48

By her mother...who, as you may already know, with whom I have a tricky relationship.

So...the Christening happened. DSD and her DP and son joined us for an awesome summer in Sweden, during which I looked after my step-grandson alone a number of times. I love him, he seems to love me too. My DDs are also pretty damn well smitten too, if a tad confused about their relationship to him!

Anyway, fast forward to now....my DSD and her DP want a weekend away next weekend and my Dh - their main childcare - has a weekend away planned with some friends of his that I'm not going on. So I offered to look after the baby. DSD is cool with that, as is her DP (his mother died a long time ago and his Dad is useless). However, her mother is now complaining because it is me looking after him. She doesn't want him herself....she just doesn't want me to look after him.

AIBU to wonder what the actual fuck is going on with this woman?

OP posts:

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RandomMess · 11/09/2015 21:51

She's jealous - just let it go as best you can. It's up to your DSD, you can offer she can accept or decline

TeaAndNoSympathy · 11/09/2015 21:52

Well, it's fuck all to do with DSDs mother isn't it? Is your DSD acting on this 'advice'? Either way, I think the only thing you can do is maintain a dignified distance and not engage.

NickNackNooToYou · 11/09/2015 21:52

No YANBU as long as your DSD is happy (the mother of the baby) I agree it has nothing to do with the Grandmother.

HirplesWithHaggis · 11/09/2015 21:52

Your dsd is an adult woman, her mum can't ban you from anything! Sorrry, I'm not familiar with your back story, but this does seem utterly ludicrous.

FishWithABicycle · 11/09/2015 21:59

Yanbu and it is up to dsd to decide. She is obviously happy for you to be step-grandma. If she chooses to give in to her mum's unreasonable demand that is also her choice. Be the bigger person and accept whatever your DSD decides with grace and love.

zeezeek · 11/09/2015 22:02

You're all right. My DSD is an amazing person with whom I have a fantastic relationship and who wants me to have a "grandmother" type relationship with her son.....

I just struggle with her mother's hostility and always feel as if I'm in the wrong, even when I know I'm not. Bloody woman.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 11/09/2015 22:22

Stop giving her headspace!! Why does DSD tell you these things (or is it DH) is it because they think you can just roll your eyes with them at her lunatic ideas perhaps??

WorraLiberty · 11/09/2015 22:27

You're all right. My DSD is an amazing person with whom I have a fantastic relationship and who wants me to have a "grandmother" type relationship with her son.....

So why has she banned you from looking after him?

rollonthesummer · 11/09/2015 22:35

I presume the step-daughter's mother doesn't feel the same say, Worra

trollkonor · 11/09/2015 22:50

Her mother can say what she wants, who is she moaning to? If sd wants you to look after her child and you're happy to do it then that's the end of the story. I know it's easier said than done but don't enter into any justifications with anyone apart from from a private rant with your husband. I like the don't give headspace expression. With your step daughter just act as if it's business as usual even if she moans to you about her mum (I dont know the back story).

But it sounds as if you're not being unreasonable to wonder wtf is going on with her mother.

zeezeek · 12/09/2015 20:57

She certainly doesn't, Worra. She still hates me for things have happened over 25 years ago (when my DH left her with a young DD for me). I do appreciate how difficult it was for her and my DH was an arse to her. But it's 25 fucking years ago and I am fed up with still being punished now for something that I wasn't aware of at the time.

My DSD tends to talk to me about her problems with her mother, but this time I know she doesn't want me looking after the baby because she rung me last night to tell me - along with a mouthful of abuse.

I do tend to let it all wash over me in public and within the family and then save my venting for MN!

OP posts:

BestZebbie · 12/09/2015 22:16

Presumably this is stirring up old feelings in the DSDs DM that after all this time you are trying to 'steal' another beloved family member off her, this time, the grandson?

Sunshineandsilverbirch · 12/09/2015 22:17

Well given the circumstances I don't expect you'll ever have a cordial relationship with your DSDs Mum.

However if you have built a good relationship with your now adult DSD it isn't her Mother's place to interfere. It's not her decision to make - she can't ban you. Just stop taking her calls.

My question would be - why does she even know about the arrangement?

I have discovered over the years that keeping certain information on a need to know only basis is excellent for family relations.

ollieplimsoles · 12/09/2015 22:25

I was ready to totally agree with you op, till I read this:

She still hates me for things have happened over 25 years ago (when my DH left her with a young DD for me). I do appreciate how difficult it was for her and my DH was an arse to her. But it's 25 fucking years ago

I feel sorry for the dsd's mum, yes it was a long time ago but I would be annoyed too having to share her grandson with another, non blood related grandma, I know my mum would be devastated if this was us.

however I do think its a bit unreasonable of her to not actually want to look after her grandson, but not want you to do it either, who is going to do it then?!

AnthonyPandy · 12/09/2015 22:26

Were you the other woman? Did you know your dh was married at the time? Just trying to understand the dynamics.

rollonthesummer · 13/09/2015 11:44

Who rang you last night with a mouthful of abuse? The step daughter or her mother?

SaucyJack · 13/09/2015 14:01

Look. Stop being coy. You know exactly what her problem is.

I'm sure it sucks to be the kids stuck in the middle, and it would be best for everyone if she let it go, but you can't expect it of her.

You made your bed on this one. Sorry.

TwmSionCati · 13/09/2015 14:07

" She still hates me for things have happened over 25 years ago (when my DH left her with a young DD for me). I do appreciate how difficult it was for her and my DH was an arse to her. But it's 25 fucking years ago "

so you broke up her marriage, and were happy for her to be left alone with a young child. Now you think she should move on.

Did you think you had the right to build your happy family on the misery of another one? Now you are making silly comments claiming that you were not 'aware' at the time? Just what the hell did you think was going on?

And then more comments about how your DDs are not sure who this boy is in relation to them? Well he is their nephew obviously.

What on earth did you expect?

Cloppysow · 13/09/2015 14:30

Oh come on. It was 25 years ago. Does OP have to spend the rest of her life paying for it?

TwmSionCati · 13/09/2015 14:48

" Does OP have to spend the rest of her life paying for it? "

not really but she is acting all wide eyed and surprised about it, as though the mother's (understandable if a little extreme) reaction has occurred in a vacuum...

SurlyCue · 13/09/2015 14:57

If DSD has no problem with you babysitting then shes being a shit stirrer by letting you know that her mother is saying this stuff. Why would she need to tell you that? If it was me i would roll my eyes and say "yes mum, ok" but i would completely ignore her and have whoever i wanted caring for my dc. I wouldnt go to that person and stir up shite saying "im fine with it but mum doesnt like it"

I'd be watching that DSD if i were you.

zeezeek · 13/09/2015 15:22

No, I didn't know about her 25 years ago and as far as I know (and DH tells me) they broke up before he got together with me. At the time we got together I was ill, so didn't really pay attention.

My DSD isn't really that manipulative, SurlyCue.

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SurlyCue · 13/09/2015 15:25

So why on earth is she telling you what her mother is saying when it isnt good? Why do you need to hear that her mother doesnt want you to babysit? Do you and DSD sit and have a bitch and laugh at her mother's "craziness"? Otherwise i cant imagine what DSD is getting out of passing this information on to you.

diddl · 13/09/2015 15:26

Well you're not banned are you unless the child's parents say no!

Her mum can say what she likes, it doesn't make it so!

TwmSionCati · 13/09/2015 15:26

oh right it was just that you said a very short while ago,
" when my DH left her with a young DD for me ". yet now you say " as far as I know (and DH tells me) they broke up before he got together with me." but then add that you 'didnt really pay attention'.
Seems a strange thing to not pay attention to, IMO. or indeed to be that unsure about.

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