WIBU ? Told DD that if her behaviour doesn't improve I'm taking all her toys away!

(40 Posts)
Fizzielove Wed 09-Sep-15 09:59:46

So childminder tells me DD behaviour was the worst it's ever been the other day. I didn't shout, but told her I'd had enough of her not listening and not doing as she's told. Told her that if she does not behave I would empty her bedroom of all toys and dressing up outfits. She's almost 5 and needs to listen and not just carry on doing what she fancies!

So WIBU??

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant Wed 09-Sep-15 10:01:41

As long as she gets a chance to earn them back for good behaviour, then YANBU.

PurpleSkyatthewateringhole Wed 09-Sep-15 10:02:20

My 5/6yr old was bad at this us the holidays (and is starting again). I've noticed it happens when he's tired. Could there be an explanation as simple as needing more sleep?

GingerDoesntHelp Wed 09-Sep-15 10:03:24

Slightly U. Get a report from the childminder each day and apply one smaller sanction at a time when she gets home.
Have you asked the childminder how she deals with misbehaviour?
Does your DD hate going to the childminder?

RiverTam Wed 09-Sep-15 10:04:00

Will that make any difference to her behaviour at the childminder's? Is she playing up at home?

Micah Wed 09-Sep-15 10:04:57

She's 5, it's what they do. Children are very self-centred, and don't think through the consequences.

Personally, I don't sanction at home for behaviour elsewhere. When mine were in childcare, the childcare setting disciplined there and then, and that was it, over. I only disciplined for behaviour while in my care. Obviously I worked with the childcarer, and when they said, she did x, with y sanction, I made sure I carried that on, if she did x at home, I applied y.

What did the childminder do? Did she tell you how she dealt with it?

BlueStarsAtNight Wed 09-Sep-15 10:07:46

I think YAB slightly U to tell her she has to "behave" or you will take her toys away - how is she supposed to know what infractions will be bad enough to get that punishment -if she doesn't come the instant you call her will you take them? How about if she doesn't tidy her toys up the first time of asking? I think you need to ideally be more specific that a particular action will have a particular consequence.

LyndaNotLinda Wed 09-Sep-15 10:08:06

She's 4. She won't connect her bad behaviour at the CM with you taking away all her toys at all - she'll just think you're mean. You need to discipline/reward at the time.

Personally I think reward is a much better way of teaching children than sanctions. Why don't you have a star chart which you and the CM both contribute to and if she gets X number of stars by the end of the week, she gets a small thing/a treat or something.

googoodolly Wed 09-Sep-15 10:08:27

I don't think she should be punished at home for her behaviour at her childminders.

If she's nearly five, I assume she's just started school - she's probably tired. Going into reception is a BIG adjustment for most kids. Unless this has been going on for a while?

RiverTam Wed 09-Sep-15 10:11:13

Hold on, she's almost 5 so just started reception, and the cm is criticising her behaviour and you want yo sanction it? FFS! She's just started school, it's a really big deal! Please don't take her toys away. Talk to her!

TimeToMuskUp Wed 09-Sep-15 10:12:38

Could you buy a reward chart for the childminder to use while she's there? DS2 is 4 and responds brilliantly to gentle "remember that star on your chart" reminders when he's about to lose it.

As an aside, though, if the childminder has already given a sanction/told her off I don't think a second sanction or telling off is ok. Children that age need to be told off/stopped immediately and that should be it. Possibly being more explicit could help; DS2 has no idea what the heck I'm on about if I say something general like "I'm so cross at your behaviour", I have to specify which behaviour I'm unhappy with, and keep it brief. Perhaps saying to your DD "I expect you to use kind hands/use your manners/listen to the childminder" and reinforcing it when you drop her off so she knows exactly what is expected of her.

ijustwannadance Wed 09-Sep-15 10:19:39

Childminder should've dealt with situation there and then. Punishing later is useless. If just started full time school she probably just dealing with that. I too have a very tired, narky little girl right now but a few weeks of the new routine and she'll fine.
Reward charts have never worked for me.

KurriKurri Wed 09-Sep-15 12:12:31

Taking all her toys away is a massive over reaction. And what if she misbehaves again after you have taken all her toys away - what are you going to do then?

Asking her to improve her behaviour is far too woolly and vague - she will have no idea what you mean, you have to specify particular behaviours or you are setting her up to fail.

Is she naughty at home or only at the CM's? Is it after school when she is tired? (I was an after school club supervisor - you get to know what each child needs when they come out of school or you will get poor behaviour because often they can't articulate their needs - they have just done a day at 'work' they need to wind down. So it might be food, a chat,a story, quiet time on their own, a good run round the field - its different for all children.)

Your child minder should be dealing with the bad behaviour as it specifically arises, and telling your DD what she expects and then most important praising her when she manages it. Does she ever say anything nice about your DD? - If I was your DD I would really hate going somewhere that ended everyday with a moan to my mother about how awful I'd been and ignored anything nice or helpful I'd done. I'd soon start to think there was no point in trying to be good.

Rather than threaten a punishment long after the event give your DD something to aim for a specific thing you want her to do/address - (not a big huge vague thing) and get the CM to tell you if she achieves this, then praise her for her efforts, tell her how pleased you are with her for trying (and don't set up perfection as the standard by which she succeeds or fails, have trying hard as the standard) No one can be perfect in their behaviour all the time, especially if they are tired, or with people/other children they may not especially like, they can only try and hopefully learn to self correct if they stray off the track. And with five year olds each day is a new day - don't hark back to previous misdemeanors - they can't remember then.

I would actually worry about a CM who cannot manage to get a five year old to listen and do as she is told, she's effectively telling you she can't do her job.

Mrsjayy Wed 09-Sep-15 13:02:21

Taking ALL her toys away is a huge overraction what point will it make to a 4yr old who was naughty at the childminders you need to do small things at the time or offer incentive or repercussions for behaviour ime. So if she was naughty at the minders you need to say something like you were very unkind or didnt really listen to childminder today then do something to help her behaviour improve what does the childminder have as behaviour sanctions

TenForward82 Wed 09-Sep-15 13:07:58

Placemarking to see if anyone accuses OP of being Dickensian in her cruelty by taking toys away like on the 10 year old credit card theft thread.

FWIW, I think she's very young, and if she's only just started school, she's going to be unsettled. Also, as PPs have pointed out, taking away ALL her toys leaves you with no further ammo if she continues to misbehave.

Iwishicouldbeorganised Wed 09-Sep-15 13:11:31

Si echo KurriKurri. If she behaves at school and at home you need to be looking for a different childminder.

Doublebubblebubble Wed 09-Sep-15 13:13:35

i don't sanction at home for behaviour elsewhere.

Surely your cm is disciplining?? If you do afterwards that's just overdoing it in my opinion.
Having said that, when my DD (6) is having a bad day at home I do say that Il take a toy away under the proviso that better behaviour will earn it back x

Marcipex Wed 09-Sep-15 13:20:55

What KurriKurri said.
Especially the last paragraph.

I work with 2-5s. It's my job to help them cope with big changes, understand how they are feeling, to spot triggers for bad behaviour and try to avoid them, and help them to regulate their behaviour. It sounds as if she's being set up to fail here.
Set her up to succeed instead. Remove obvious triggers such as hunger, tiredness, etc as far as possible. She may need quiet time rather than activity, for example, or may need to be active and let off steam. Find what works.
Give her small attainable targets. Praise specific bits of good behaviour, even if it's tiny. Eg 'I was very pleased when you picked up the toy for the baby.'
'You wash your hands so nicely.' Any tiny thing you can praise.

The childminder should be doing this already.

Nanny0gg Wed 09-Sep-15 13:52:52

I would actually worry about a CM who cannot manage to get a five year old to listen and do as she is told, she's effectively telling you she can't do her job.

^^This.

And you never punish twice.

Iggly Wed 09-Sep-15 13:54:26

Your CM doesn't sound very good if she can't nip it.

What is she doing exactly?
What is the cm complaining about?

Mrsjayy Wed 09-Sep-15 14:19:24

Tbf to the childminder she wasjust telling mum how her dd behaved and does have her own methods for coping with behaviour saying she isnt very good is not very fair

Fizzielove Wed 09-Sep-15 20:41:22

CM is brilliant and did deal with issues at the time, but it went in one ear and out the other. It would appear that sanctions that I would previously have carried out when she misbehaves are no longer working. I was VERY specific about what behaviour she was not to do again like "you are not to punch your brother again!" I think that's pretty specific! I just feel at the end of my tether with her as she just decides I'm going to do X, I know I'm not allowed to X but what the heck I want to! She lies fantastically! You honestly wouldn't believe it! I just feel that I need to do something HUGE to make her see there are consequences to her actions!

Mrsjayy Wed 09-Sep-15 20:52:44

Look if you feel you need to do a shock tactic with her then do it if you have reached the end of your tether

whattheblazes Wed 09-Sep-15 21:15:17

YANBU. If she's seriously misbehaving and the childminder is finding her behaviour challenging then I think you're showing her the consequences of her actions. If she learns that good behaviour results in the toys being given back then I really don't see this as a bad thing.

whattheblazes Wed 09-Sep-15 21:18:15

I might add that it's easy for people to say YABU but my god children can be so trying. Taking a child's toys away because they've behaved badly is hardly tantamount to child abuse. God I remember being young and the thought of my babies being confiscated was enough to keep me on through path wink

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