to worry so much?(31 Posts)
Hello all, some perspective on this would be gratefully received!
My DH and DS were talking about DS (9) sprinting the 100m along the pavement on the next street, as our garden isn't long enough. They were excited about this. I mentioned to DH that if DS was going to run fast, he'd better watch/listen out for cars coming out of driveways. The street is quite quiet, but with lots of driveways with poor visibility, and most people reverse out.
This caused an almighty row, as DH informed me that he thinks I worry too much about too many little things, that any accident wouldn't be serious as the car would be going too slowly, and more woundingly that I "suck the joy out of life" for him and the DCs.
I should add that I have had PND and periods off work with stress and depression since, and I do find myself quite anxious at times.
WIBU? Please be honest, but gentle (or is this the wrong board to ask for that?!)
You are perfectly sensible, sane and right to worry about cars in and out of driveways. Your H is an irresponsible arse and rude to boot.
Is there no park nearby where your DS can practise his sprinting?
No, I don't think YABU on this occasion. Your concerns are valid, imo.
Well, l agree with you with on the driveway aspect.
Reversing cars, have caused dreadful injuries.
So you are not being unreasonable at all.
Reversing cars don't always go slowly enough to not cause injury. There have been several cases where people have killed their own children by backing over them on their driveway.
He is being U. If your kid wants to sprint, take him to the local park.
Any opposing views? I'd like to show him this.
YANBU. He can't expect that everyone will be reversing slowly.
that any accident wouldn't be serious as the car would be going too slowly
That seems very cavalier
Your worries about this seem justified. But is there any truth in what he says? I am a worrier, and have had to learn to bite my tongue sometimes and let the children be children. They need to take risks and learn to assess risk for themselves (in controlled situations, NOT by dashing down roads at high speed.)
i think you are right to make your DS aware of the possible danger. I always reverse into my drive as visibility due to trees gate posts etc is rubbish and would be virtually impossible to reverse out safely but even driving out forwards very slowly I recently had a small child on a scooter appear as if from nowhere just as I had set off. A scary moment for both of us and also for his mum who was further up the street pushing a pram.
Yanbu in this case. Reversing cars are a hazard. I would assume since he is a parent he is keeping an eye out though. No more dangerous than generally playing out?
But is he right? Think really honestly. There was a thread here where a woman's dh (who also suffered with depression) dragged the fun out of every converstation or situation.
My mum is the same. You can't mention anything without her coming up witha reason it's dangerous or you shouldn't do it. it is draining.
Is it possible he is right, and yjos conversation has pushed him over the edge?
Personally I think YABU, but then I find it far easier to tell other parents that they should ease up than to do so myself
Yanbu, of course you need to look before running across a drive! No matter what the age of the runner. Nothing sucks the fun out of a good sprint like being squashed by a car.
Nope, I would've said exactly the same thing. If my dd was concentrating on her sprinting she wouldn't notice what was going on around her.
If I was wanting to support her in her sprinting, I'd take her to the local park, could have all the fun in the world there!!
Not wanting to worry you further but friend's sons fell off his skateboard whilst 'cruising' (there is probably a technical term for this) slowly down the road, hit head off kerb & ended up in intensive care. Speed does not necessarily need to be involved.
I thought the exact same thing as you when reading about him sprinting along a road as fast as he can.
Jogging is different - a slow pace with time to look out for cars but if he's going to be head down running as fast as possible, he's not going to notice cars and they won't have time to react to him.
I worry too much about too many little things, that any accident wouldn't be serious as the car would be going too slowly, and more woundingly that I "suck the joy out of life" for him and the DCs.
It is not just the running down the street is it.
A little boy was killed in this area as a driver reversed slowly out of her drive. Heartbreaking for his family and the driver. He was smaller than your guy and impossible to see. However it is a pain if someone always sees the danger in everything. My dh saw no danger and did every mad thing with our kids. They grew up with no fears. Left to me they would have been total non risk takers. You need to trust your dh that he has your boys best interest at heart and fathers are different to mothers and that's OK.
It's a pain if someone 'always sees the danger in things'. And it's healthy for children to embrace reasonable risk. But sprinting full tilt along a pavement punctuated with driveways and dropped kerbs? That's not 'reasonable risk' - that's fucking stupid.
I think you need to let him asses the risk, but it is a risk. My husband takes risks that I wouldn't and I accept that he is not me and that difference is good for the DC's.
On the other hand...you "suck the joy out of life" for him and the DCs"....accepting that everyone is different to yourself goes both ways and so does respect!!
thanks everyone. Now to talk to him about it...
My brother broke his arm as a teen when a slow moving car reversed from a drive into him. He was lucky that was his only injury.
My children scoot to school on the pavement everday, I am not sure how that differs from running? They know to keep an eye out for any cars reversing out of driveways, I would hope that by 9 a child would have some common sense about these things. Also they are a bit taller by that age so easier to see out of a rear view mirror - it's my 3yr old I worry about as cars wouldn't be able to see her.
However it was still a very rude way for your DH to talk to you especially in front of a child, he could have chosen his words more carefully.
I am a worrier too, I get quite anxious, my DH does get frustrated but he is used to it, he doesn't get angry, generally he just reminds me to try and enjoy myself. He has learnt that he can't 'fix' my worrying, it's who I am! We'll sit and talk through any particular worries, he knows that just dismissing them doesn't help, but him being supportive does help. And sometimes there are positive sides to it (i am very organised as I hate forgetting things).
On my part, I have had to learn to bite my tongue, it's not always good to say everything I am thinking! I am trying to come up with ways to de-stress myself.
Are either of your parents a worrier? My mum is, which is where I have got it from. It kind of helps to know why I am like this. Sometimes my mum's worrying drives me mad - she is worse than me - and DH says 'now you know how I feel!'
So in summary, my opinion - I think you are probably worrying too much about the running (without knowing your street it's difficult to judge), but your DH was out of order to speak to you like that.
Also just read your post again and you mention you've had PND and depression, your DH presumably is aware of this, so definitely not on to speak to you like that. Even if you do worry too much, in your mind those fears are real, and it's no good someone just saying 'worry less' as our brains don't work like that...
Also I was just reading this thread the other day about stress and anxiety - worriers are not alone: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2459389-How-do-you-stop-being-stressed?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=post&utm_campaign=thread%2Bstress%2Badvice
My last comment (honestly I am going to bed now!) is that giving him the benefit if the doubt, it was a heated row and we all know things get said in the heat of the moment we later regret, so hopefully he has apologised by now and you can talk it through. I hope...
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