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AIBU? New Baby, Return to hospital & MIL drama

(119 Posts)
Tired2ndTimeMum Mon 07-Sep-15 03:25:04

Long time lurker and slightly addicted to AIBU but never posted before today.

I won't go into the full backstory but I don't really get on with my in-laws ever since they cornered me in a room in their home a few weeks before my wedding to their son And made me cry because they didn't agree with my choice not to change my surname on marriage.

My husband had been happy with my choice up until he mentioned it in passing to his mother and suddenly it was a massive drama.

I actually considered changing my surname to keep the peace but, as my FIL and SIL didn't turn up until after we exchanged vows and then my MIL made both my sister and I cry during the meal after the wedding, I decided I would stand by my principles and keep my own name.

When my first son was born there was additional drama with MIL. I cried because MIL had bought my son something he could no longer use due to health problems. I had originally asked for the item but hadn't known that my son's health issues would prevent him from using it.

I tried explaining this but ended up crying. My husband believed that was rude and it caused a massive argument (We had only been home from hospital for a day).

Fast forward until today. I've just had a baby girl. We were home from hospital on Friday afternoon. On Saturday the midwives checked my stitches and advised that I should go back to hospital for a second opinion.

My in laws life 5-10 minutes away. My own parents are an hour away. My husband said we had to return to hospital and asked if any of his 3 sisters or one parent could babysit while we returned to hospital. They were unable to help as they had an appointment booked to look at wedding dresses.

No big problem or drama - I called my parents and they came to babysit my 22 month old.

At hospital I'm told that I have a prolapse which should have been stitched following childbirth. I'm not in pain but they won't try to fix this for at least 6 weeks. We spent hours in hospital waiting and o was a bit traumatised by the news that it couldn't be fixed there and then. The waiting, the exhaustion and the lack of a revolution led to lots of tears.

This morning one of my SILs texted to ask how I was and to ask what time was best to visit. I suggested a time to my husband and he let his sister know that i'd be fine but would need another checkup.

We discussed how he would word his response as neither of us wanted to go into full details of the problem. We agreed that we'd say I was fine, that I would need a further checkup in 6 weeks. I said that, ultimately, we didn't want to talk about it. My husband said he wouldn't put that in the text (which I understood and was fine with) but I told him it was perfectly acceptable to say that in person if required.

I hadn't slept or showered/washed since returning home from hospital so, when both babies fell asleep today, I went to have a shower and wash my hair.

I took my time as I wasn't expecting his sister until 2.30pm/3pm but, just after 2pm I became aware of my husband talking to other adults downstairs.

I finished getting dressed and went downstairs to find my PIL and one SIL (who was outside on the phone).

Instead of sitting in the lounge my husband had directed everyone into the messy kitchen (which instantly annoyed me). Instead of handing the baby over to one of his family my husband was sitting holding her.

By way of an explanation for my earlier absence I commented that my husband should've told me we had guests. I.e. I would've come downstairs sooner had I known people were there.

The first thing my MIL asked was 'How did you get on at the hospital yesterday?' That's a perfectly acceptable question but my hormones are everywhere and the thought of my whole experience (stuck in TV maternity waiting area with a newborn for 4hours, being checked by MORE people and then being told they wouldn't 'fix' me) has left me really upset and emotional.

I was annoyed that my husband hadn't already briefed his mother and told her I didn't want to talk or think about it. But clearly he hasn't.

My response was 'I'm fine. We don't really want to talk about it.'

My husband looked horrified by that response so I said 'but we DONT want to talk about it.' As in... That had been our agreement.

My husband then continued to sit with the baby whilst I busied myself tidying some of the mess in the kitchen and getting cups ready for tea.

After a while I took the baby as she was long overdue a nappy change and feed. My husband made tea and our toddler woke up.

SIL said they'd go as they wanted to attend a wedding fair. I stopped breastfeeding so she could hold her niece for the first time. They took some photos, we waved goodbye, they left.

My husband disappeared upstairs and left me wrestling with both children. When I went to look for him to ask for help he started shouting - seemingly the way I had spoken to his mother was totally unacceptable and I was an evil cow.

I pointed out that we had both previously agreed we didn't want to talk about it. I also said that he could've told his mother that before I came downstairs. Yesterday when we returned home from hospital and my parents asked how I was I just cried. When that happened my husband had said I was five but upset. I couldn't understand why he couldn't have done the same thing today.

Instead he just went on and on about how I'm a horrible person and how hurt and upset he was at how I had spoken to his mother.

I'm still hurt by the experience of our wedding as my husband never really accepted that it was okay for me to be upset at what happened. On our wedding night he called his mother for a little chat while I cried my eyes out in the bath: I never received any sort of apology.

Yet here I am... Just two days after giving birth... My hormones everywhere and totally exhausted from lack of sleep and juggling a newborn with a needy and upset toddler, while my husband once again expects me to just overlook everything that happened in the last and treat his mother like some sort of queen.

I said I felt like I should be cut some slack given how close this is to the birth and given that I had received really upsetting news yesterday about the missed stitch. Seemingly not.

So... If any of you have made it this far, WIBU?

I accept I was abrupt... But surely I should be cut a little bit of slack? And surely I should expect my husband to back me up for once? Or is that unreasonable?

ThumbWitchesAbroad Mon 07-Sep-15 03:32:02

YANBU, your H is a wanker who should be supporting you at this time, not bowing to his mother's diktats.

He's clearly got apron string issues - his mama is the most important woman in his life even now, and you've got your work cut out for you to deal with this.
I can't believe he somehow thought it acceptable for his mother to make his bride cry on her own wedding day - wtaf?

And as for this recent event, well really that seems to be par for the course. I can pretty much guarantee your MIL will know all about your procedure and what's required etc. because he will tell her, because he doesn't want her to "feel left out" blah de blah. She will then, by the sound of it, broadcast it wholesale around the rest of them because that's what you do, isn't it - talk about your DIL's most private information with all and sundry (might be projecting just a touch here, and I technically get on ok with mine!)

Of course you should be cut some slack. Loads of it! your H is an inconsiderate arse. Tell him so.

Iflyaway Mon 07-Sep-15 03:33:34

No. Not unreasonable at all.

Your husband should be cherishing you right now but seems to put his mother above you. She sounds awful.

Phoning her on his wedding night?? hmm shock

Congratulations on your baby by the way!flowers

Tired2ndTimeMum Mon 07-Sep-15 03:38:21

ThumbWitches - thank you.

My hormones still seem to be totally screwed so even just reading your response made me cry.

You may have been projecting but his mother very much likes to tell all and sundry full details of everything.

I just find it difficult to judge situations like this as, in my head, i can accept that I may have been abrupt but, at the same time, I feel like, so close to having given birth, I should get a little bit of leeway.

The scenario that occurred after I had my firstborn was similar. At that time I was left feeling foolish and vulnerable as I cried in front of MIL. Part of why I was so abrupt today was that I didn't want to discuss everything in detail and end up crying and vulnerable again.

Rubygillis Mon 07-Sep-15 03:38:41

Sounds like emotions are running a bit high. It would have been nice if your DH had said to his mum "Tired's ok but she's feeling a bit tired an teary so don't ask her about the hospital" but equally when she asked, you could have said "I'm fine thanks, another checkup but all good" and then changed the subject.

But honestly, when I had my second, my inlaws, who are lovely kind caring people just pissed me off the whole time, and I now see how unreasonable and exhausted I was. Hopefully they will cut you some slack, be kind to yourself, it's a knackering and emotional time.

emotionsecho Mon 07-Sep-15 04:01:43

Tired what stood out to me in your long post is how often your MIL has reduced you to tears by her words and actions, even managing to reduce your sister to tears on your wedding day, wasn't there for your vows, this is neither normal nor reasonable, are you afraid of her? is your dh because I can't for the life of me understand why he would stand idly by and watch the woman he professes to love, want to have children with and share the rest of his life with be treated so appallingly.

Either you are your dh's equal partner and should be loved, respected and supported above all others which means he stops his mother treating you like this, or your not any of the above to him and he places his mother above you and allows her to treat you badly and supports her in doing so.

He needs to decide where his loyalties lie.

Jenijena Mon 07-Sep-15 04:04:46

Whatever the history (which is not to say it is exactly abed of roses) you had a baby two days ago and have since had to go back to hospital. You win everything. You get anything you like. Anyone who stands in your way is being a knob.

Congratulations on your baby girl.

anklebitersmum Mon 07-Sep-15 04:09:37

firstly brew and congratulations on your new little one flowers

It's not OK for your husband to not tell his Mum the details on one hand and yet expect you to do so whilst surrounded by in-laws on the other and it is absolutely out of order to then tell you off (never mind shout at you angry ) because her sensibilities may have been bruised. Inconsiderate git.

Having just given birth you are VERY entitled to emotional leeway and support. Is your midwife still doing the rounds visit-wise? It might be worth having a chat with her-mine was excellent when I was very OTT hormonally with number 2 and de-briefed DH on my behalf (in a firm but fair Matronly way) as regards guests and his reponsibilities.

He's being an arse, no doubt about that and his Mother sounds like a real treat hmm

Tell him you expect support, both with the children and emotionally, that he's acting like a grade A knobber at the moment and that it's not OK.

FindoGask Mon 07-Sep-15 05:31:32

I dunno. I was also struck by how many times you've started crying in your post but that doesn't make me think you weren't being unreasonable. My eight year old cries too in times of high dudgeon but she's definitely not always right!

I had a disagreement with my parents in law just before I got married about not changing my name - they were obviously hurt, particularly my MIL (who has now passed away) and for some reason they hadn't taken it in when I'd told them before, so they thought they were hearing it for the first time the night before the wedding. It was a difficult conversation but I understood my MIL's feelings and I can see how it might have felt like a rejection.

At the wedding, what did your MIL say to you and your sister that made you both instantly start crying? I'm trying to imagine what could be so awful! And did your in-laws really 'corner' you before the wedding? What did they say?

As for the other things - it sounds like a collection of strong emotions and misunderstandings. You've just had a baby, you're worried about this prolapse, you've got a lot going on. You may well have come across a bit rude to your husband's family, and on the face of it I can see why he was embarrassed - there are ways to say you don't want to talk about something without throwing someone's polite enquiry back in their face. I'm sure you would have managed that if you liked your MIL more, and as you suggest yourself that's the real problem that underlies all this.

TL:DR: I don't know whether you're being unreasonable!

hedgehogsdontbite Mon 07-Sep-15 05:55:51

I can't get past you being 2 days post birth and making tea and tidying while everyone else sat on their arses. shock

Mistigri Mon 07-Sep-15 05:58:04

I think it's irrelevant that you may have overreacted or not been very tactful - you've just had a baby and you have health concerns, the people close to you should be cutting you a bit of slack.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Mon 07-Sep-15 06:31:54

hegehogs - absolutely! WHY were you the one doing stuff? There were 4 other able-bodie adults there, if your DH had the baby as you say, then why in hell didn't he either hand her off to you or someone else and do the tidying/teamaking himself?

I'm sorry your MIL is a grade A gossip as well - it's very wearing. sad

anklebitersmum Mon 07-Sep-15 06:44:09

I too am in agreement with hedgehogs

My wonderful midwife made it quite clear to anyone that came in the house while she was there that they were required to pull their weight-she was hilarious and quite formidable in a nice way grin

HeteronormativeHaybales Mon 07-Sep-15 07:01:09

Hm, in two minds about this.

Your ILs sound hard work and rather insensitive, to be sure. (Although I can't help thinking the problem lies more with your H - sitting holding the baby and letting you tidy the kitchen 2 days post-partum? Spending part of your wedding night on the phone to his mother? Not on at all). And you have just had a baby, and of course are battered, bruised and exhausted.

OTOH you do sound a little highly-strung and easily upset as regards your ILs. (But I can't help wondering how much of that response to them is because you know at some level that your H doesn't really have your back in that regard?) Strictly speaking, they don't make you cry; you cry in response to things that they say/do. It is to a degree within your control (not at the moment! I mean generally) how you respond to them. I do agree with a PP that your response to your MIL's question was rather abrupt and rude, although again I get the sense that you responded in that way as a way of boundary-marking. I'm sorry you're going to need a further procedure and I understand that feels overwhelming right now but it does sound eminently fixable.

What I would do now in your position is prioritise myself, assuming my H cannot be relied upon to do it; draw boundaries and look after yourself and the dc primarily. Don't see anyone if you don't feel up to it. When the initial immediate post-patrum period has passed, I would be looking IIWY to yove a serious chat with your H about all this - with as much drama and high emotion taken out of things as possible (hence it not being a good idea to have this conversation now).

Floisme Mon 07-Sep-15 07:08:59

Recent events - not unreasonable at all; you have just given birth (congratulations) and have health complications too. You shoudn't have to lift a finger and your husband should be waiting on you hand and foot, doing whatever makes you happy and keeping visitors at bay until you feel ready.

Other events - it's harder to tell. I can't help noticing that both in laws gave you a hard time over not changing your name and that your father in law didn't even bother to turn up on time for your wedding. Yet all the focus from you - and from posters so far - is on your mother in law. When you're feeling better, it might be worth having a think about that.

ollieplimsoles Mon 07-Sep-15 07:11:32

Sorry op but your husband sounds like an insufferable, mummies boy ass hole.

If you have a problem mil, you wont survive unless your husband supports you. Putting his mother first all the time, even when you are at your most vulnerable, is going to grind your relationship down over the years.

Yanbu and here's how I would handle it: Since your husband clearly doesn't have any, you need to get some balls and stand up to her, its hard I know but you have just given birth and need to be more selfish. You shouldn't be making cups of friggin tea, you shouldn't be tidying up. I would get it into your head now that your mil is always going to screw you in some way, then you can put your guard up whenever she's around, this should help you to stop breaking down when she upsets you.

Nip this in the bud now, or she will start behaving in ways you don't like with your children, and surely the buck needs to stop there.

KurlyWurly88 Mon 07-Sep-15 07:29:38

I'm in agreement with everyone here - YA ABSOLUTELY NOT BU! You have just given birth and have ongoing implications from it! Please cut yourself some slack for being emotional, teary, tired and upset. You are behaving completely normally! It sounds like you are holding everything together remarkably well!

I believe it is your DH who is NOT behaving as he should - putting his own and family feelings ahead of yours.

I would love to offer some practical advice, but just wanted to send a message of support flowers

I'm 38 weeks with my first and worried about my in laws. Like you they had a hissy fit about my NOT changing my name, it's sometimes a strained relationship which my DP 'fence sits' often followed up often by placating HIS folks (similar to you). I know how hard it is.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby girl, I hope that you recover well and that everything settles down soon xxxxx

MythicalKings Mon 07-Sep-15 07:37:15

YANBU. I think it was probably the tone you used when speaking to DH and your MiL that has upset him, rather than what you said. He should realise that you are upset and hormonal.

KurlyWurly88 Mon 07-Sep-15 07:40:00

O - and like * ollieplimsoles* you should think of how to handle your mil!
I always have some kind of plan/strategy in place these days!

Iagreewithmrsdevere Mon 07-Sep-15 07:48:30

He called his mother on your wedding night????

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Mon 07-Sep-15 08:10:59

Thing is, many rude people, like your in laws .. take offence very easily .... You need a serious chat about boundries... good for you for sticking to your plan, its a good start

MiddleAgedandConfused Mon 07-Sep-15 08:50:57

Who would want to share info about a prolapse with anyone but their DH and possibly closest female friends? That is an utterly private matter.
Your DH seems out of line - time to make him realise where his priorities should be. flowers

DoJo Mon 07-Sep-15 09:15:56

I don't really understand why you had to make a point that you didn't want to talk about it - surely if you had just said you were fine, then there wouldn't have been any need for follow up questions. She doesn't need to know that you are going back in 6 weeks, especially not at the moment, so I think you may be making things more difficult for yourself by apparently wanting to share something but holding back details which you then feel you have to defend yourself over.

I think in this specific situation you have made things more difficult for yourself and perhaps when your husband agreed that you didn't want to talk about it, he meant just that rather than expecting you to actually say that you didn't want to talk about it. However, if your husband is generally unsupportive, then that is a problem which definitely needs addressing and probably can't be resolved until things have calmed down a bit - he should not be shouting or calling you names and that is unacceptable at any time, let alone so soon after you giving birth. I agree with all PPs who have said that he should be the one making tea and tidying while you rest up as well - he needs to pull his weight with both children and guests.

Reubs15 Mon 07-Sep-15 09:19:52

Your DH is a knob and extremely insensitive. Anyone is highly emotional after having a baby, let alone with a toddler too! He needs to decide what's more important. Supporting his wife or pandering to his mum.

DosamundPike Mon 07-Sep-15 09:21:01

At the moment you are feeling understandably emotional and tearful, however I can't help but feel that your reaction to your MIL's question made things worse. It makes me wonder if perhaps you are always quite snippy and abrupt with them, whilst possibly being a little sensitive yourself, hence you end up in tears and then the smallest remark or question turns into a huge drama.

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