Where did this conversation go wrong? is it me or him??(106 Posts)
Came in from a night out with DP last night. Had a bit to drink but both relatively sober.
He sits down and puts on a documentry about Kate Bush.
I sit next to him and watch it with him.
After half an hour or so I start up the following conversation:
me: "I don't really get Kate Bush - I mean, I don't get why she's so famous and everyone thinks she's so amazing ... "
him: "well, they don't. you're watching a documentry on her so obviously they'll all be saying positive things."
me: "oh yeah I know, I'm just saying in general I just can't understand why she's as big as she is, I mean what is special about her?"
him: "oh well I'll turn it off then."
me: "??? no I'm not saying turn it off! I'm just saying I don't get it ... "
him: "yeah well you don't like anything I like so I'll just turn it off."
me: "I'm not wanting an argument over it! I was just trying to start up a conversation!"
him: "well it's a trend with you isn't it, anything I like you don't like so I might as well just turn it off."
I'm really, REALLY considering giving up on this relationship because this is the kind of response I get whenever I express an opnion or try and start up a conversation. It's walking on egg shells all the time. I've just tried to speak to him about it now and he said I should have approached it more diplomatically. I asked for an example and he suggested:
"You like Kate Bush Don't you? I much prefer ((insert artist here)) as ((insert reason here)) "
I mean is that really what relationships are about? a systematic approach to conversation??
I'm ready for the truth here. Tell it to me straight, is it me or him?
Sounds like he was in an arsey mood and looking to take offence for some reason.
How long have you been together, do you live together etc?
Well it really depends on the tone used, and whether you knew that he really was a massive Kate Bush fan.
However I can't see anything offensive about your opening line really.
It's him. I could not be arsed with having to check everything in my head before I speak!
How long have you been together?
Maybe he thinks you always criticise his choices. Do you?
Well that rings bells with times I'd try to do something heinous like have a conversation with ex. He loved to try and teach me all the ways in which I was inadequate, for example how to start a bloody conversation! Note he is my ex
I think if he finds your opinions and the way/s in which you express then so distressing, you should really do the decent thing and leave him.
If you're honest with yourself, are most of the things you come out with negative?
My mum hasn't had anything nice to say since 1964, and she is fucking exhausting to be around.
And Kate Bush is pretty cool anyway- so for that, YWBU alone
How long have you been together?
I ask because people can be quite defensive while they rub the corners off each other and find a way to communicate.
It's very easy to just say don't bother but if the underlying love and commitment are there communication difficulties can be worked out.
I disagree with him though as he's not talking about himself, he's just trying to correct your behaviour
So it would be more use if he used 'I' statements and was honest. Like "I really feel pressure to turn things off you don't like/I feel you're getting at me when we have discussions/I'm unable to cope with conversations as I view them as conflict and I feel strong feelings when we discuss things'
Cos otherwise he's just blaming you for communicating differently.
You describe it as walking on eggshells which is a bad sign. He's trying to modify your behaviour while criticising you for expressing an opinion, which also doesn't sound great. Could be just that he was in a bad mood or that you're just not well matched. To form a better opinion I'd need to know more about your relationship generally as this is just one example which could well be a one off. Does he do this a lot? How long have you been together? Are you usually comfortable expressing an opinion with him or do you always feels you're walking on eggshells?
If you've been together a while I'd just get over it. If not then you're probably not a great match.
It also depends if you're generally negative or phrase things in a negative way? As that would grate on me.
I agree with SaucyJack. If someone is negative all the time it is so draining and something seemingly insignificant (like a debate about Kate Bush) can easily tip the one subjected to the negativity over the edge.
Taking this one incident on its own, of course he's unreasonable, but it sounds like there's bigger issues at play.
There's nothing wrong with what you said op. It would never occur to my dh to take offence at me saying that, even if he was Kate Bush's number one fan.
This sounds just like my dad. Its taken me 30 years to understand that he is toxic and EA. If he's like that all the time I would leave. I wouldn't put up with it.
If its just a one off id see how it goes.
People who are negative all the time and make you feel like you're walking on eggshells all the time will grind you down eventually.
Sounds like he may have just been grumpy... In my experience conversations with partners do sometimes inexplicably lead to a falling out over seemingly trivial matters. It's whether it's an occasional flare up that gets resolved quite soon and easily afterwards or an underlying theme that you both can't seem to get away from.
Whoever's at fault, if you feel like you are treading on eggshells, then the relationship is not working. Do you consistently pull everything he likes to pieces? If not, then I guess he's just not interested in you having an opinion. Run.
Had the program finished? If not, YABVVVVVVU for wanting a conversation while he's watching it.
You are quite correct about her being shit, mind.
It depends what tone you used really, also he says you often critisize his choices, do you?
That being said you say your walking on egg shell, so that doesn't sound like a nice way to live. I think you need to have a long chat.
My ex used to do this .
He'd pick at little things id say and turn it into an argument that he would somehow find a way to blame on me and say I started it !
It was like walking on egg shells .
We split up in the end because it got to the point where I was too scared to have a conversation with him for fear of arguments
Was he in the middle of watching when you brought this up?
I would presume that someone wouldn't want to watch a programme about someone they consider overrated.
I'd feel uncomfortable sitting there with the person thinking it was pointless. I am oversensitive, but perhaps your DP is too.
I think in this case it was more you than him that was being unreasonable.
You asked a question in the middle of a programme that he was watching and he answered it, then you carried on chatting while he was watching a tv show. I think that is rude. You knew he was watching the tv but you continued to talk through it.
I get annoyed when I'm watching something and someone talks all over it. If that's what you did, YABU and rude. And that's why he was short with you.
It's one of two things. Either he's a twat, expecting you to broach every conversation is a 'certain way' then giving you a rough time for failing to pass his silent test. The sort of arse who creates discord and drama out of nothing and dismisses your opinion.
You are one of those who say a lot of negative/scornful things. Some people are much more interested in what they don't like, than what they do. They seem to pour cold water over other people's enjoyment of things and aren't much fun to be around.
Are most of your comments negative in nature?
If so, I completely understand his reaction. If not, he sounds very hard work.
There are things that I don't get or like such as fishing programmes or police chase types of things but if my DH was watching one I would accept we have different tastes.
Musical tastes can be very personal anywway and if your DP was watching the programme presumably he likes Kate Bush. I think she is a bit like Marmite either you are a big fan or hate her.
Maybe this is not the relationship for you and you need someone whose tastes are more in line with yours. My DH hates Strictly and such like but he would never start up a conversation trying to get me to justify my like of during the programme or afterwards.
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