Am I being unreasonable or am I just old fashioned?

(14 Posts)
Elisheva Sat 05-Sep-15 11:14:55

I have recently discovered that three of my friends are in a trinogamous relationship. Two of them are married with three kids and the third moved in with them a few months ago. I'm not entirely sure of all the ins and outs (and not do I want to be) but I do know that they share a bed and co-parent all the kids.
I really don't know what to think about it all - they are good friends who I am very fond of and who I see weekly. I feel like I've been a bit naive about it all by not realising before but it didn't really cross my mind that there might be more to it than close friends.
What is bothering me most is that now it is 'out in the open' they are being increasingly more physically affectionate to one another when other people are around. So far not when any of our kids have been there but I think it's only a matter of time.
Part of me thinks I might be being old-fashioned but most of me is very uncomfortable with the whole situation.
What would you think? Would it bother you?

VinoTime Sat 05-Sep-15 11:22:32

Why does it make you uncomfortable, OP?

Personally speaking, no it wouldn't bother me at all. As long as they're happy, I'd be happy for them.

What's the setup? All women/all men/two men and one woman/one man and two women?

grapejuicerocks Sat 05-Sep-15 11:24:10

I think a lot of it is due to renegotiating your view of those friends. It must feel very strange because you thought you knew them and this has now shifted. I think this is true of all relationships. It would feel odd if a couple breaks up and you have to negotiate a different relationship with each half of the couple.

It would be easier if they were strangers you had just met, as then you would accept them for who they are. It is harder because they are not the people you thought they were, not necessarily in a bad way, just a different way.

toconclude Sat 05-Sep-15 11:24:17

If it's not your relationship, it's basically none of your business and as for "I don't want my kids to see it" - that's beyond old-fashioned and into prejudiced. Poly relationships, like gay and unmarried relationships, exist out there in the world and you won't prevent your children from knowing about them (also why would you?) by screening them from your friends. Curious questions (if you get any) can be answered with a "people are different and do things differently to the way we do them sometimes". Pretty much like any other difference they come across.

ElkeDagMeisje Sat 05-Sep-15 12:04:39

I think if they are kind to each other, no-one is unhappy or feeling coerced by the situation, and their children are happy, then you are being a bit old fashioned. Marriage is a pretty old fashioned institution in many ways and when we are all so right on about gay marriage and other types of supposedly unconventional relationships, all of the strictness and rigidity seems to transfer itself to heterosexual people in marriages.

Whats less moral - a trimogamous relationship, or a person who stays with a marital partner they no longer love for money and material comforts, or social standing? Or having secret affairs with random strangers?

Its also none of your business of course.

whatlifestylechoice Sat 05-Sep-15 12:08:04

Nobody needs to see their friends indulging in PDAs. shock

Aside from that, it's none of your business.

laffymeal Sat 05-Sep-15 12:08:27

My aunt was in a 3 way relationship. She had married he DH when she was 28 and he was 56. Twenty odd years later in her late 40s she met someone her own age and he moved in with them, when her DH died she married the other guy. The family were a bit nonplussed initally but we all got used to it. She didn't have any DCs but had 3 MCs with first husband and 1 MC with second (whilst first husband was still alive, following me?) so clearly wanted DCs but it didn't work out. Now they are practising Buddhists and live on retreat most of the time so we hardly see them and don't have much idea about their current lives.

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone Sat 05-Sep-15 12:35:47

Would you be the same if you found out two of your friends were in a committed relationship?

It's not something I would want, but they're happy and not hurting anyone.

Yanbu to be shocked and confused but ywbu to treat them differently.

scarlets Sat 05-Sep-15 12:41:42

Live and let live.

Pipbin Sat 05-Sep-15 12:59:05

Polygamy is the norm in a lot of cultures.

So long as everyone is a consenting adult I don't see the issue.

Elisheva Sat 05-Sep-15 13:36:49

Maybe it is just because it's a bit of a surprise rather than the relationship per se. Thank you for your replies, you've given me lots to think about.

TheCatsMother99 Sat 05-Sep-15 14:50:37

They're all consenting adults & IMO as long as any children involved or who become aware of their slightly unusual situation are told that they're all happy and respect each other then I can't see an issue.

At least everyone is aware of the others rather tha cheating behind backs.

Fatmomma99 Sat 05-Sep-15 14:53:17

what whatlifestylechoice said.

Reubs15 Sat 05-Sep-15 15:12:20

Would you have the same issue if a friend came out as gay for example? Unless they're forcing you to join in yabu

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