AIBU to think that he needs to step up when it comes to bedwetting

[CrazyClean]

Hello Mumsnetters! Ive followed this page for a while now, but this is the first time I have posted, so please bear with me. It might be a long one! I want to know AIBU about bedwetting! My other half has a 6 year old son, who wets the bed every night. Not just once but several times. It doesn't wake him or bother him at all. This in itself isn't the problem so much as the complete lack of acknowledgment from anyone. What gets me most is at 6 years old, the child is more than happy to sit in his own soaked pyjamas for an hour or more, and he feels no disgust or need to change, address the problem etc. Most of the time he wears pull ups, he will wake in a morning and wander around, play, eat breakfast in soaked pants (through the pull ups which means that urine and germs are being spread across the home) and it doesn't bother him. Surely he should feel uncomfortable or something? I have addressed it with his Dad and he just gets defensive and says it is perfectly normal to wet the bed at 6. My research and experience says that at 6 it should not be several times a night, every night, without fail and he should not be comfortable in wet clothes the way he is.
Neither my OH or his ex discipline the child in any way and he is extremely spoiled and indulged. I cannot think of a time when he has ever heard no or had any consequences for bad behaviour. This bed wetting seems to be a symptom of the same thing. Nobody wants to mention to him that bed wetting needs addressing, so he sees nothing wrong with being wet. Why would he, no one has ever told him different! My OH moved in with me a few months ago and I have 2 children (8 & 11 girls). we have a constant battle to ensure that all children are treated equally. My OH has been on board but I see him get defensive when his son is expected to do the same age appropriate tasks as my 2 girls (Things like sorting washing or clearing/setting the table). But when I mention the bed wetting, I just get shut down. Today is the last day of holidays for my girls.I have just gone downstairs to find that he has wet the bed, soaking through as he had not worn pull ups. The bed, quilt and mattress are soaked and I am expected to strip and clean it instead of enjoying the last day with my girls. If the issue was being addressed and we were working towards a solution I would feel differently, but it is being ignored. AIBU to think that this should be being addressed by both parents and that the boy should himself be ready to be dry?

[titchy]

Your experience with your girls is irrelevant.

Your research is shit. It is perfectly normal for 6 year olds not to be dry at night. There is an abundance of information on the internet that tells you this, and the reasons - for the benefit of others it's because the child has not yet started to produce the hormone responsible for the suppression of urine production at night.

So yes YABVU.

[DonkeyOaty]

The child shouldn't feel disgust!

The age for investigating bedwetting round here is age 7.

The parents should be encouraging the child to get changed and shower first thing every morning.

Do ask the parents to have a look at eric here

As an aside do you like the child? If not then blending your families ain't such a good idea.

[MythicalKings]

YANBU in expecting your DH to discuss this. Most 6 year olds are dry at night.

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

As I understand it bed wetting at that age is not unusual. Parents should be taking precautions though and cleaning up. Surely we should be washed/dressed on waking as a priority?

[CrazyClean]

I think you are missing the point. I don't blame the child for wetting the bed, but the parents for not addressing it when it comes to sitting in the pyjamas, all over the house spreading germs etc. Surely, regardless of why he is wetting the bed, he should want to get straight out of the wet clothes and pull up? I don't know any 6 year old that is happy to sit in urine soaked clothes and not be bothered one bit. Its lazy parenting as neither one wants to be the baddie that addresses it with him.
My research on NHS say that up to 5 is normal, after 6 it could be a medical issue. We would never know as neither parents or child see an issue with urine being spread everywhere. This isn't fair on other people in the house.

[ArmfulOfRoses]

There is nothing unusual about a 6yo wetting the bed.
Nothing at all, and he shouldn't be made to feel like there is. Him being 'spoilt'is irrelevant.

[RunRunAsFastishAsYouCan]

Why are you changing the sheets. The six year old should be changing his own bed.
The situation would also drive me mad but you won't get any sympathy on mn as you are an "evil" stepmother.
It's the fact that it's not being addressed that would concern me.

[HackerFucker22]

I understand bedwetting at this age is not unusual but I would hazard a guess that 6 year olds who aren't dry are not wetting several times a night, every night and happy to sit around in pissy clothes?

I think the issue here is much further reaching than the bedwetting as you seem completely against your DP style of parenting (I agree it doesn't sound very effective or beneficial to the child) and this is something you should have discussed at length before you made the move.

[DonkeyOaty]

If the child hasn't been encouraged to wash and dress first thing every morning then yes they are going to sit around in their nightwear. It's the norm for that child.

Don't know how you would address if your OH is not interested in making sure his child is comfortable, sorry.

[HackerFucker22]

Also lazy parenting isn't the same as not wanting to be the bad guy!!

I am always the bad guy in my house by the way.

[5madthings]

Wetting the bed at six is not unusual.

Sitting in piss soaked pj's for an hour is disgusting, why doesn't his dad or you tell him to get showered and changed? Obviously he may need a bit of help to do this but leaving him in urine soaked clothes for an hour is disgusting, he must stink and it's awful for his skin etc.

Why isn't his dad getting him up and dealing with it, ditto why is dad not stripping the bed and dealing with it?

[LeChien]

It's normal for some 6 year olds to still wet the bed.
It's also normal for some children to not really feel it (I was like this, would happily lie in it not noticing)
It's good that he doesn't feel disgust at himself, that would be awful.
Perhaps some practical things like waterproof mattress protectors should be put on his bed to save all the faff of washing the mattress.
And runrun, I've never known a 6 yr old capable of changing bed sheets, particularly not in the middle of the night. 8 maybe, but not at 6.

[LeChien]

And also, where I live you cannot be referred to an enuresis clinic until the child is 8, so maybe his parents can't address it yet?

[CrazyClean]

I really like the kid and he gets on great with the girls. Whenever he is asked to join the girls in tasks he is eager and tries hard. It my OH that cringes as he hasn't ever asked him to do anything. He doesn't dress himself, brush his own teeth, cut his own food up etc. Everything is done for him, which isn't his fault, its the parents. He should be waking and cleaning himself as he should feel uncomfortable (maybe disgust was the wrong word, but most toddlers get dry following the development of disgust, ie not wanting to have wee or poo next to their skin). I am pretty certain that at school he dresses himself for PE and cuts his own lunch up, its only because everyone else does things for him that he is this way at home. The bed wetting is a symptom overall. I would like to have a go myself at getting him dry without going to the doctors. My OH says he knows someone whos son wet the bed until he was 9 years old, so until then he doesn't see a problem. They have made no attempt themselves and I feel they are not doing him any favours in the long term in not giving him basic life skills (hearing no, earning rewards, consequences of bad behaviour etc). Its all part of one problem.
And Nettle Farser, you certainly have a sting! I have asked for opinions, not to be insulted. Only one of us is a cunt!

[Finola1step]

There are lots of issues at play here. But wrt the bedwetting. No, it's not unusual to not be dry at 6, but it is not common. I do agree with you that as soon as he wakes, he should be straight out of those wet pull ups and night clothes.

It does sound like your dp doesn't see it as an issue or doesn't want to see it. That is the root of the problem, not the child being spoilt or not feeling disgust.

[Purplepoodle]

I think his dad should be checking he has a pull up on every night before bed - when he's helping brush his teeth or reading a story. Then ds should be encouraged to come down quietly and mention the bed is wet and he needs a shower ect. Nothing to be ashamed of just some basic rules - if beds wet please tell dad or me, pull ups go straight into the bin (perhaps one in bathroom so he can get rid discreetly) and some wipes to clean himself or a bath or shower. make it part of his morning routine.

[blaeberry]

It is not reasonable to expect the child to just be dry, to make him feel disgust at wetting the bed or to discipline him for doing so.

It is reasonable for him to help sort himself out and expect your OH to be involved in this. Your OH should be encouraging him to change out of his wet pjs as soon as he wakes and your OH should support him in showering/cleaning himself. It is also reasonable to expect your OH to take on some of the laundry required.

Just curious as to why the mattress was soaked. Don't you have a decent waterproof cover for the bed? All our mattresses have (breathable) waterproof covers, ds (who occasionally wets) has an extra padded mattress cover and a disposable bedmat. Generally I only need to change the sheet and the bedmat (and pjs and duvet). You might want to speak to a children's continence nurse about nappies though if it is every night and the pull ups just aren't cutting it.

[Finola1step]

Oh and forgot to add, why are you doing all the wee cleaning?

[Verbena37]

There are a few issues here but I think the most important is that you, your OH and the ex need to be able to chat about loads of stuff in the future so now would be a good time to start.....no matter how difficult it is.

I actually think (whilst knowing its totally normal for children to bed wet far beyond six) there could be an underlying problem. My main worry would be that firstly, it seems quite neglectful to be leaving a child in urine sodden clothing for over an hour (I think urine is sterile when it comes out so not entirely sure about your germs all over the house theory though).

I would have thought a neurotic typical child would hate sitting in urine soaked clothing and so it makes me wonder whether there could be an underlying SN issue or whether his parents have neglected his changing and hygiene since birth? Whilst it's very normal to bed wet at that age, I'm not so sure it's normal to not mind being soiled? Someone with more SN experience might tell me otherwise though.

I think the most important thing is to make sure the child is clean whilst not making any fuss about it and to make sure to tackle this as a couple/ex. Bless him, if he's weeing throughout the night, his boy bits are going to get sore and sting unless he cleans himself with help from you and OH.

ERIC have a good help,I've you could ring for more information and suggestions.

[CrazyClean]

I should say he wakes earlier than the rest of the house and takes the opportunity to play on ipad or watch tv, so we are not always awake as early as he is. We do have very different parenting styles that have been addressed before they moved in. I just think it has been a bit of a shock to my OH to actually see his son doing tasks. He does however accept that it is needed and is on board with it (all be it through gritted teeth sometimes, it must be hard to see your only son asked to clear his own plate!!!) I think his son is sitting in the soaked clothes as he has never been told to change. I try to tell him, but it feels like it might be a bit too much too soon. He is a lovely sweet kid who is used to one way of life and it would be wrong for me to turn his world upside down in one fell swoop. I don't want to be that evil stepmother that someone mentioned! A little at a time, but I think his Dad should be addressing this quite urgently. BTW, he has been summoned home from work to change the covers and clean up. If I Cant work on the son, the OH will have to deal with it!

[Verbena37]

Oh and so as to make washing much easier, you can buy really good bed wetting sheets to pop under his bed sheets that you can just whip off and replace.....that will save the mattress.

[RunRunAsFastishAsYouCan]

Yes I meant stripping the bed rather than changing it.

[MrsGentlyBenevolent]

No a child should not feel disgusted with themselves, but neither should a parent be so totally unconcerned. It's not hugley uncommon at that age, but I don't think ignoring it will help, especially if the child seems to completely lack awareness (this suprised me, he must 'know' he wets the bed at night, yet still spends up to an hour in soggy pants each morning?).

Your husband should consider asking advise on the matter. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with his son, but there may be a method out there, without shaming, that can help. At 9, some children start at sleepovers or even school trips. Does he want his son embarrassed for still being in pull ups by that age?

As for mornings, I'd start little reminders such as 'have you changed? Don't want you being sore, darling', or 'let's start the morning fresh! Shower, clean clothes and then breakfast, wake up properly'. Start a new routine, without making a big deal of the issue.