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who is being unreasonable - me or dh

(13 Posts)
Mindexplode Sun 30-Aug-15 09:56:03

ok - firstly I love my DH and most of the time we are a great team

Today we have just had a row, not a massive one but are both now sulking, luckily I got the bedroom

hes says I'm in a foul mood, and hes glad the DC are out of the house

I say I am fed up of making all the decisions, doing things when they need doing (ie hanging up the washing when it has finished not two hours later, hovering the DC bedroom when it is clear, not waiting for it to be messed up again) and the best one today - me to him - do we need to go shopping? him to me - I don't know - well have we got any food in? no - then we probably need to buy some (bangs head against something)

He is main carer for dc and works part time, he does most of the cooking etc and I work long hours. However as we have both just had a week away it seems I am doing all the woman working including the thinking and planning ahead. We are both working on Tuesday and he still hasn't got any plans for the dc. He has known about this for weeks!

I'm frustrated at him but apparently I'm too grumpy and its my fault
I wish he would plan a bit better - and listen to me. He keeps telling me we need to pack before moving but I have told him at least 20 times we will get a company in to pack, what I need him to do is sort through his stuff to work out whats not coming with us. Packing up my books that are all coming is not a productive use of my time!

Rant over - judge away

ThumbWitchesAbroad Sun 30-Aug-15 10:00:29

YANBU to be pissed off that you're doing all the thinking, but is there some other source of stress here?
You're moving, he thinks you need to do stuff, you don't agree, you want him to make more decisions but when he tries to you tell him he's wrong (that's just from your OP, it may be different the rest of the time)

I don't know. I think probably fault on both sides and sulking isn't going to improve the situation.

Mindexplode Sun 30-Aug-15 10:03:52

thumbs witch - there is other stuff, his dad is unwell but when I ask about that or try and and find out he doesn't tell me anything.

I think we are in the eye storm of the stress of everything (moving/ dc prep for school starting etc) and we are handling it differently.

Its not real sulking, its giving each other space to breathe - I will have a shower soon and then we can start the day again

MelanieCheeks Sun 30-Aug-15 10:04:42

Yeah, sounds like an over-reaction to a fairly minor communication issue. Not everyone plans to the same extent.

FishWithABicycle Sun 30-Aug-15 10:06:54

I don't think you need to LTB just yet. You are both probably quite tired stressed and snapping but are both mostly reasonable people who wish life was a bit less difficult and both hope that sometimes if you leave something undone someone else will do it. Setting aside some time every week to talk with one another and identify keys things that need doing and sharing the workload and thinking/decision making evenly might help?

CalmYourselfTubbs Sun 30-Aug-15 10:09:39

been there.
i was always the one who had to think ahead and make sure everything was planned and sorted out and paid and organised.
he just sat on his arse and let me do everything.
wife work is what they call it, i think.
we're no longer together. i got tired of being like his mother (who was useless and that's where he got it from.)
go on strike and down tools entirely.
or do what i did and walk.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Sun 30-Aug-15 10:14:08

OK, space is better than actual sulking - good plan. Come together soon and ask if there's anything you can do to help, maybe? is he not good at discussing his emotional problems then, ever?

Sorry to hear about his Dad.

DoJo Sun 30-Aug-15 10:52:51

I say I am fed up of making all the decisions, doing things when they need doing (ie hanging up the washing when it has finished not two hours later, hovering the DC bedroom when it is clear, not waiting for it to be messed up again) and the best one today - me to him - do we need to go shopping? him to me - I don't know - well have we got any food in? no - then we probably need to buy some (bangs head against something)

From this paragraph, I would say there's fault on both sides - it doesn't matter when the washing is hung up, surely, so long as it's not left long enough to smell? Could the kids not be asked to clear their rooms whenever you are ready to hoover? And why is he responsible for knowing whether there's food in? How annoying can it be to have that 4 second conversation?

However, looking past these fairly petty and trivial examples, it sounds like you are both busy and stressed and finding each other annoying - do you think it would help to remember that you love him and he loves you and that if you can be kind to each other at times like this, then it you will be back to 'normal' in time. Moving house, dealing with an ill loved-one, going back to work after a week off - all of these things combined are bound to thrown you off kilter, but if he's normally considerate and it's only this week that you are finding him frustrating then perhaps you need to just give each other a little space, try to get what needs doing done and look forward to some of the pressure being off once you're over this hump.

Lweji Sun 30-Aug-15 11:00:45

Is this a common thing or just the past week?
As first sight, it does look like it's both ways. Why can't you pack your books and save on the moving costs, for example?
Why is he single handedly responsible for sorting out next Tuesday? Can't you both arrange care?
Why does he need to listen to you? Do you always know better?
Would you put up with him telling you when to hang the clothes or clean the kids' rooms?

TheSilveryPussycat Sun 30-Aug-15 11:13:53

Packers are well worth the money for moving.

Washing needs the maxiumum time to dry if the weather is nice but changeable.

Hoovering when the kids have cleared their rooms makes perfect sense to me - and if he's the one who would normally look after them on Tues, then it makes sense for him to organise cover.

Agree he should prioritise decluttering. Can you do it together - perhaps he declutters and you clean for end of move around him or something?

Lweji Sun 30-Aug-15 11:19:07

I'm getting flashes here of threads where the wife is at home and resents being criticised on what they do and having to plan things because their oh's job and time is so much important. There isn't enough info from the OP, but some of it did make me wonder.
Whether to pack or not, for example, is for them to choose, but not for the OP to just say how it will be and for him to agree. That's one thing that bugged me.

TheSilveryPussycat Sun 30-Aug-15 20:18:08

He is perfectly able to begin packing himself if he thinks that best - the first step of which is to declutter - but seems unwilling to do so.

I hope it's stress, and can be resolved by OP and her DH. And I might be projecting from my own experience.

Homebird8 Sun 30-Aug-15 20:59:38

I get it Mindexplode. Of course you can do everything but if you do he would just let you.

The children are your responsibility just as they are his, and you could organise the care for Tuesday but you have got to the point where you just don't want to be responsible for everything.

If he cooks and he knew whether there was food in then you shouldn't have to join the dots for him re shopping.

I do think you can make some slack on exact timing of when things are done when there is room for interpretation though. Unless there is a consequence like ironing needing to be done if the clothes aren't hung quickly it can wait a bit. The children needing care on Tuesday can't wait unti Wednesday though.

What I did in a similar situation with my DH, was tell him I needed him to not just say yes he would do it, but actually allow me to treat that yes as an indicator that it was no longer my problem. And also, when he told me he just didn't know what to do (can't imagine he does that in his high powered job at work), that he was happy for me to issue instructions.

To be honest, I don't want to issue instructions; I just want him to notice and think and act. Telling him what to do and being able to expect him to cheerfully do it though is an acceptable half way house.

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