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AIBU?

To not want MIL to have my baby two days a week?

201 replies

Writteninscars · 28/08/2015 19:17

I'm just over four months pregnant and we've been to hell and back to have this baby. I was at the point of giving up and moving on when joyously we discovered I was pregnant.

Unfortunately FIL died recently and obviously MIL and dh and his siblings are very very upset. Dh is worried that MIL will be lonely without FIL, which I'm sure she will particularly at first. She is very healthy with lots of friends and a huge family so she is in a more fortunate position than some people, if fortunate is the correct word.

Dh has three siblings and we all live pretty near to MIL. Since FIL has died dh seems to have taken it on himself to be responsible for MIL. She has 7 grandchildren already but is understandably excited about this latest addition.
Dh would like her to have the baby two days a week once it is born. I'm not planning on going back to work for a year - if I go back at all - so it's not a childcare issue. It's to give mil something to do. Dh actually said it would be better if I don't feed the baby myself as then MIL can have it sooner.

I'm really not confrontational and find it difficult to say what I want at the best of times but especially hard at the moment as dh and his family are grieving their father and husband. However I've waited a bloody long time for this baby, she's had four of her own, and I don't think we are responsible for her happiness. I don't mind taking the baby over but I don't wish to just give it up two days a week once it's here.

Aibu? I don't think I am but dh shuts me down by going on about how unhappy his mother is.

OP posts:

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PennyHasNoSurname · 28/08/2015 19:19

I would just repeat "We dont need anyone to have the baby two days a week"

And reaffirm to your husband that however responsible he feels for his mothers happiness, as a Husband and a Father his first duty of care is to you and the baby.

Stand firm.

GoooRooo · 28/08/2015 19:19

YANBU. Your DH is being an idiot. I can see that it's all brought on by grief and a sense of responsibility but he's still being an idiot.

EponasWildDaughter · 28/08/2015 19:21

and

Congratulations

You have to practice saying no to your DH, starting now OP. Say no to your MIL having the baby 2 days a week, and say no to the choice of feeding being dictated by this too.

Does MIL even want to have the baby 2 days a week?!

YANBU

FishOn · 28/08/2015 19:21

Dh actually said it would be better if I don't feed the baby myself as then MIL can have it sooner

Charis1 · 28/08/2015 19:21

YANBU it is a totally unreasonable request - quite mad

PurpleWithRed · 28/08/2015 19:23

Woah there! No. He's being totally unreasonable. You do need to make it absolutely clear to him that you are not going to let this happen - no faffing around with ifs and buts and maybes, just No, This Is Not Happening. And you don't have to justify yourself or make excuses either, just No, what you said above. "I don't mind taking the baby over but I will not be giving it up two days a week and decisions over feeding will be my decisions". Conversation closed.

(Has he even asked MIL if she wants your baby 2 days a week, btw???)

rollonthesummer · 28/08/2015 19:23

That's really horrible to say it's better that you don't breastfeed :(

I think you need to get confrontational about this. Now.

knitknack · 28/08/2015 19:23

He's being bonkers - it's the grief. Totally bonkers. Just tell him (I lost both my parents young, sometimes you need to be told!)

QuiteLikely5 · 28/08/2015 19:24

Grief can do strange things to people. I am in the camp that says if a granny is loving then she deserves time with the child for a couple of hours.

Don't let it become too much of a battle. Tell dh a couple of hours here and there sounds good but you will re assess once the baby is here.

rollonthesummer · 28/08/2015 19:24

Has he promised his mother this already!?

Hero1callylost · 28/08/2015 19:24

YANBU, your baby's purpose in life is not to alleviate someone else's unhappiness.

at your DH's comment about feeding! Seems like there's some major priorities that need to be realigned. Feeding choice should be about what's best for the baby and you, nothing else.

Chottie · 28/08/2015 19:24

Goodness, the baby isn't even born yet!

Congratulations, YANBU. This is your baby, not your MiLs.

Agree with previous posters, practice saying no.

magoria · 28/08/2015 19:25

Unfortunately this is a case where you have to make a stand and if necessary be confrontational.

You will if possible be feeding, you are not going to even entertain not feeding for someone else.

You will consider MIL occasionally having the baby when you feel ready for this. It will not be twice a week.

Do not offer to go visit every week. You will be making a rod for your own back.

Make the stand now or you will have more trouble when she weans, potty trains, ignores your dietary preferences/allergy advice (because that is how it was done 30 years ago) , takes baby for first haircut, sees baby's first step etc, gets to take DC to first day of school etc.

Make it a single stand now rather than all these upsets you will have to come.

Icimoi · 28/08/2015 19:25

He doesn't even know if she wants to have the baby, and looking after a new-born baby two days a week really isn't a cure for loneliness or grief. He's looking for a knee-jerk quick fix. Suggest to him that he needs to wait and see, and that if there's a need for MIL to have company in 6 months' time then it needs to be discussed with his siblings so everyone can help.

petalsandstars · 28/08/2015 19:26

Okay he's grieving so may not be thinking straight but no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no.!

And he doesn't get to choose if you breastfeed either!

Put your foot down (gently maybe allowing for the grief) but make it clear that it is not acceptable to upset you to keep his mum happy.

Writteninscars · 28/08/2015 19:27

I don't know for definite if she would but knowing MIL she probably would.

I don't want to be constrained where I'm at home two days a week without my baby on maternity leave. Also I want to be able to take my baby out and go to groups etc when I want to. I don't want to have to be contracted in to two days a week where I can't arrange anything.
I would like to breastfeed if it's at all possible. It may not be but id like to give it a shot.

OP posts:

SalemSaberhagen · 28/08/2015 19:29

Quite deserves?

I am at the breastfeeding comment OP, this needs nipping in the bud now.

Writteninscars · 28/08/2015 19:30

MIL has always had a good social life independent of FIL so I feel confident that she will resume this. I really doubt she will be sat at home all day every day on her own because she didn't do this before FIL died.

I really don't want my baby to be her hobby.

OP posts:

TheCrowFromBelow · 28/08/2015 19:30

No YANBU but be calm but firm
Icimoi has an excellent approach.
Grief and loss make people react in quite unusual and sometimes irrational ways.
Sorry you're having such a hard time after such a long wait.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 28/08/2015 19:31

He does know that bring reduces the risk of sids doesn't he?

yorkshapudding · 28/08/2015 19:32

Ridiculous suggestion. He's basically suggesting that the baby be used as MIL's new hobby. Does she even want this? Looking after a newborn is bloody hard work at the best of times let alone when you're grieving. She may not want to commit to two days a week every week, especially as she has so many other GC's to make time for.

OP you really have to put a stop to this nonsense sooner rather than later. If you don't then before you know it your entire family life will revolve around your DH's misplaced sense of obligation to his DM. It's normal and natural that he is worried about her and wants to help but this is going to far. You have to put your foot down on this one. What gives him the right to "shut down" your argument? You're carrying his baby! You're supposed to be partners in this.

As for his suggestion that this hair-brained idea should inform your feeding decisions...there are no words

SalemSaberhagen · 28/08/2015 19:33

OP only you get to pick how your baby is fed. Just you. This is one of the rare instances in parenting where it is your choice alone.

rollonthesummer · 28/08/2015 19:34

Where has he got the 2 days idea from?!

Ilikethefanta · 28/08/2015 19:34

No this is completely crazy just no.

WanderingLily · 28/08/2015 19:34

WHAT???? YANBU by a million miles. I suppose if I have to say something charitable about your husband, it's that he has had a loving relationship with his mother for decades and is clearly feeling her pain, whereas he hasn't actually got the same intensity of relationship with the foetus. YET. His priorities will no doubt change when the baby arrives.
I'm knocking 60 and I look after my grand-daughter two days a week. Although I love her with all my heart and truly enjoy the care of infants, it is incredibly tiring at my age, and very tying. If I want to skip off somewhere, DIL or Son have to use up their holiday to cover it. We have to have all the baby accoutrements at our house too. Even if you acceded to this ludicrous request, she may well quickly find that she could do without it really. OTOH, you could find that five days and seven nights a week with a baby are quite enough for you!
While emotions are so raw amongst the bereaved there doesn't seem much hope of a sensible discussion, but I would make it very clear to your husband that this is simply not going to happen. Your much-longed-for baby is not bereavement therapy for his mother, nor a hobby.

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