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to think it's not that easy to just LTB?

(15 Posts)
FishFace99 Tue 25-Aug-15 23:25:52

I so want to leave. The DC and I are so much happier when DP isn't here; he is lazy, does nothing around the house, we have nothing to talk about, the kids have little to do with him, he constantly tries to paw me, he sleepstthrough all illness and night wakings, he restricts money...I could go on. I'm getting into debt trying to provide for the DC while he's earning 40k and not contributing.

I was speaking to a friend about it today who said I should just leave. But where do I go with four children, no money, no job, no guarantor? I can't get a job as one DC has additional needs and needs me and another is only a few weeks old. If I tell him I want to leave the atmosphere would be awful for the kids and we'd still be stuck here. Aibu to say it isn't as simple as just leave?I have no family for support.

SuperLoveFuzz Tue 25-Aug-15 23:33:17

I don't want to jump to conclusions here but your partner sounds financially abusive at the very least. Women's aid will be able to help and advise you.
I have recently left an abusive relationship myself and I know how hard it was even with family support. You have my sympathies flowers
Sorry I don't have more practical advice but please do contact your local women's aid.

Northernlurker Tue 25-Aug-15 23:38:47

I know somebody who's useless bloke left her and four kids in similar straits to you. She managed but family support in financial guarantee terms was hugely important.
I agree it sounds like you are suffering financial abuse and the pawing doesn't sound great either. Try women's aid and see if they can help you find a way through.

OddSocksHighHeels Tue 25-Aug-15 23:43:01

Does it depend on your housing situation? As in whether you own/rent and whose name it's in?

I'm pretty sure you shouldn't have to leave though and it should be him that leaves. Then you've got tax credits and housing benefit etc to help cover you.

FishFace99 Tue 25-Aug-15 23:54:25

We have to leave. The house is rented in his name and attached to his work. I've found places that'll take housing benefit, but not without a guarantor. He grabs me at every opportunity, suggesting things so baby will sleep and we can have sex. I'd rather he never touched me again.

OddSocksHighHeels Wed 26-Aug-15 00:04:01

Oh I'm so sorry, that's awful flowers

You know it's not ok though right? For you or for your kids?

Will you contact women's aid do you think?

Lweji Wed 26-Aug-15 00:04:52

Definitely talk to CAB and the council to see what can be done.

Just leaving is not easy, but it's possible.

How attached to work is it? Could it be possible for you to stay for a while until you found a new place?

If, as I understand it, he is sexually abusing you, then you should report it, and it might make it easier in terms of making sure he's kept away from you.

Can you save some money, slowly, for a deposit?

OddSocksHighHeels Wed 26-Aug-15 00:10:22

Oh I was going to say as well that you can try speaking to the council. I don't know if they'll be able to help you out at all with temporary accommodation but it's obviously worth trying.

Also, HB should be paid direct to you rather than your landlord. A lot of people don't declare that they claim it. The council don't recommend you not telling your landlord but it's not uncommon.

DixieNormas Wed 26-Aug-15 00:45:28

Yes but ll want proof of earnings and the op doesn't work.

Could you ring WA and talk to them?

DixieNormas Wed 26-Aug-15 00:46:24

And no its not easy to leave but it is possible

goddessofsmallthings Wed 26-Aug-15 00:50:03

Firstly, I suggest you report your post and ask for it to be moved to Relationships where you'll receive responses from women who've been where you are now and have come out the other side.

Secondly, make contact with your local Women's Aid branch asap

TheHouseOnTheLane Wed 26-Aug-15 01:25:35

Definitely contact Women's Aid. OP they WILL help you and it won't be as awful as what you are living now.

Your DC sound young....they won't remember this time. Alternatively, pack up and turn up at the council's housing may have to sit there all day but they have to house you....especially if you report your husband for sexual assault before you do so.

Next time he paws you, call the police and lodge a report and then leave. You won't have made yourself "intentionally homeless" then and must be housed. It might sound extreme but it's the least he deserves.

Macadaamia Wed 26-Aug-15 01:52:03

Are you a forces family?

mysticlogistic Wed 26-Aug-15 10:33:52

Can you contact a childrens centre about doing a freedom programme? They provide really good creches while you talk with other women for about 2 hours a week and you can do this whether you have left the relationship or still in it.
They talk through why the relationship was bad and certain behaviours which would be beneficial for you to leave, and you can get extra support set in place about how to do it with minimal impact to the children. It gives you a bit of headspace to plan it and is completely confidential but they would talk about if he's been a bit controlling with the money, or lazy and has you doing everything for him, sulky and bullying behaviours ect. Its all still abuse. They can help out with lots of different things and aren't judgemental in the slightest.

daiseehope Wed 26-Aug-15 12:13:46

Hello, try and gather all your important papers so when you go to see someone you have everything and don't need a return appointment. I am in a very similar situation to you. You have my hugs, I'm stuck too. If anyone else says "ltb" I may flip! I went to the council, where I was told I needed proof of abuse, ie doctor's notes. Go to your gp and tell all, emotional etc. It will be recorded then xxxxxx

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