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To feel like I have 'failed' the summer holidays?

(18 Posts)
Elizabethofyork Tue 18-Aug-15 20:11:46

Am a SAHM of dd age 3 and she goes to pre-school at the moment. I have really struggled with the summer holidays. I don't really have many 'mummy' friends; I know a few to say hello to but no more than that really. I've struggled with keeping dd occupied day after day, I've tried to take her out to things that are going on locally but we don't have much money so we are a bit limited. When we do go to things (e.g. the park, the farm, family event days with face painting and bouncy castles etc.) dd seems to have a good time but I feel painfully aware that it's just me and her whereas all the other mums seem to be in groups together having fun and I suppose I feel a bit on my own. The days when we are at home are hard work - I do my best to occupy her but inevitably she will get bored and restless and start playing up.

I am very shy but I got a bit brave and asked a couple of the more approachable pre-school mums out for play dates. I think it went fairly well (although dd doesn't really socialise very well with other children, which I worry about) but neither of the mums have been in contact again so maybe they're busy or just not that interested. My mum and mil offer to come round or come out with us which is lovely but also makes me feel a bit pathetic! I do worry there's something wrong with me!

I have bumped into several other pre-school mums during the holidays and they literally ALL say how the holidays are flying by, how busy they've been meeting up with people etc. etc. Facebook is full of stuff like that too. I daren't admit that I hate the holidays! I guess I feel inadequate because I don't have this amazing social life and I can't provide dd with endless playmates. I worry I've failed her and that I'm a rubbish mum and I also feel exhausted with all the effort!

Please be kind and reassure me that I'm not as alone as I feel!

Loki17 Tue 18-Aug-15 20:18:28

I struggled to entertain 3 year old dd last year. However, this year dd is 4 and it has been so much easier. It will get better. Your dd isn't missing out in anyway. Give yourself a break x

captainproton Tue 18-Aug-15 20:20:12

I have found that I've had to take the initiative a lot when organising play dates etc. I think a lot of people are worried that no one will be interested. But I think nothing ventured nothing gained. So perhaps these mums are too shy to return the favour?

Lots of people go away and have family time in summer so don't think this is normal. It can drag on for those of us who live miles from family and childhood friends.

You have to try and find some social contact for yourself not just your DD. it doesn't have to be mummy related. It's tough being a SAHM and not always the ideal some think. But on the bright side it's nearly September!

SquadStatus Tue 18-Aug-15 21:19:31

This is my first post after a zillion (seems like) years of just reading other posts but anyway I just wanted to say that I was once you.
Up until my DD (8) started nursery and then reception class I knew no-one with children. I hung out with my dad, bless the poor fellow. He absolutely loved 'hanging' with me and DD and he was good company. I did feel lonely and I also used to see mums in groups, wishing that were me...
Fast forward to DD being 4 and starting school - I made mum friends and all of them were lovely. We all got chatting (eventually) at the school gate and we all formed good friendships.
So to shut myself up now, I just wanted to say it'll all get better in the end even if it's shit for now. You'll most probably be that 'huge' group of mums soon smile.

Elizabethofyork Tue 18-Aug-15 21:46:57

Thank you all for taking the time to respond. I'm honoured SquadStatus that you chose me to reply to! I feel a bit more optimistic now that things may change in the future so thank you very very much.

ScrumpyBetty Tue 18-Aug-15 21:54:01

Elizabeth you are not alone, I could actually have written this! I too organise play dates with other mums but I always feel like a bit of an outsider, and I too worry about my DS doing stuff with just me rather than with other mums and kids when we go out. I don't really find it easy to make mummy friends, I do have some good friends but not close to where I live!
So no advice, just solidarity, and yy- here's hoping we make good friends when our dc start school!

formerbabe Tue 18-Aug-15 21:58:44

Oh I'm the same op. I'm the only one in my main friendship group who has children. I only have a couple of friends with kids and they are working mums and I'm a sahm. No advice I'm afraid but you are not the only one!

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Tue 18-Aug-15 22:08:48

Your child will go into reception and will nag for x to play, and y will nag for DD to play, and it starts to build, accept all offers, and make sure you return invites. Note ... some moms wont return invites ... it doesnt matter, if DD asks, you ask, dont make it about pride!! They maybe busy working other kids and over looked you... keep going

Elizabethofyork Tue 18-Aug-15 22:31:18

It's so nice to know it's not just me! I do hope she does make friends at pre-school. She's not really interacting with children very much at the mo so I worry she's inherited my crap social skills!!

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Tue 18-Aug-15 22:51:58

Maybe she can teach you some new skills, you do it for them ...

Fatmomma99 Wed 19-Aug-15 01:55:55

Respect to SquadStatus!

Elizabethofyork, it WILL get easier. I suggest you JOIN stuff, if there's a PTA or committee group or whatever, then get on it - you will know about ALL events, and get to know a group of parents (who will have children) that you can join in on (and if you volunteer for a role, then that will give you a status and a reason for attending).

I completely stalked other parents when my DD needed to make friends... I stood next to them at pick up times, and was jolly and AGREED with everything and was HELPFUL. I offered playdates (relentlessly)

Now you know all my secrets!

Fatmomma99 Wed 19-Aug-15 01:58:56

Also, don't undermine the importance of "you" and you and your DD time. Try treating that as a 'treat' for your DD. (sometimes doing those 'flip your mind' things can make a massive difference... So it's not "poor you, you've just got me, but instead "lucky you... it's just you and me today". Sell the sizzle!)

Mine doesn't want to know me any more, and any time she acknowledges me, it's like I've been given the Crown Jewels!

Anomaly Wed 19-Aug-15 08:11:05

Your daughter is 3 her favourite person to spend time with is you. At 3 they don't always play that well with others I wouldn't worry much about that.

I've been off with my lot and most things we've have been free and there is nothing wrong with that. Playdough, making stuff, baking, dressing up, lego, balloon tennis. The one day I actually paid loads for was mega stressful and the kids would have been better off at the park!

Once she starts school you can build up friends that way and by then she'll want to and be able to play. My 6 year old is very sociable and I still do the donkey work to ensure play dates go well. Honestly you're doing fine.

Elizabethofyork Wed 19-Aug-15 08:38:57

Thanks Fatmomma, very good advice. Yes I'm on the preschool committee - that's how I know the two mums I met up with. I have found it a lot of work but it's been a great way to meet people.

Today we are taking the bus into town as there is a children's event at the library. I have taken your advice and called it our girl's day out ( a throwing in lunch at the Asda cafe!) and she's very excited even though every day has been her and me!

Elizabethofyork Wed 19-Aug-15 09:12:15

Think it was a hard day yesterday - two mums I'd asked to meet up with had both said no they were busy and I felt a bit low.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Wed 19-Aug-15 09:23:34

Ok, dont set a day/time... a breezy hi, fancy going to the park next week... is better than a friday at 2? Text...

Elizabethofyork Wed 19-Aug-15 09:32:59

Yeah I didn't set a day or time just said if you're free one day this week or next.

Hygellig Wed 19-Aug-15 09:43:01

OP, I often feel the same way. I went to an event organised by a local nature reserve recently, and just about everyone else there seemed to be in groups. I feel a bit embarrassed that I often bump into one particular group of mum friends (not that surprising, as there are a finite number of good places to go with small children where I live), whereas I am usually either on my own or with one of my parents.

DS has been asking since September if a particular boy from his class could come and play and I've mentioned it to his mum several times and gave her my number before the summer, but not got further than an "Oh yes, that would be nice".

If your DD starts getting invited to whole class parties, that can be a good way of getting to know the other parents. I also met a good friend through a toddler group and we do meet up sometimes.

There are also advantages to doing things just me and the kids: I don't have to worry about them arguing with other children and always wanting the same toy at the same time, we can go at our own pace and arrive and leave when we like, and I don't have to worry about other children not sharing DS's passion for gazing at a waterwheel for an hour.

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