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To think it's really fucking unfair to have lost both my parents?

(41 Posts)
Magpieblue Tue 18-Aug-15 10:04:43

That's it really. They both passed away this year, within two months of each other. I'm mid 30s, with a 16MO DD. Some of my friends have lost a parent, but none have lost both and I'm finding it really hard not to feel like my life has fallen apart. I'm so sad at all the things they - and me, and DD - will have missed out on.

Didn't want to post this in bereavement, because it's full of sad, broken-hearted people like me, and I want to hear from those who have come through it. Anyone?!

MidniteScribbler Tue 18-Aug-15 10:10:00

I'm sorry for your loss. Yes it is very unfair. I lost my mother when I was 16, then my father when I was 29. My DS will never know a grandparent.

But yes, you do come through it. That doesn't mean you don't get sad sometimes, and you think of the things that they will miss. But then you just get on with it again. There's nothing else you can do really.

NCISaddict Tue 18-Aug-15 10:13:09

I lost my Mum in my mid 30s and my Dad 5 years later, and yes, it really is shit. My DC's don't really remember them and they would have been so proud of them and me. They missed out on so much and my DC's missed out on having two people who loved them and would always go out to bat for them. sad
On the plus side, if you could call it that, I now see many of my friends and colleagues desperately trying to balance, work, families and holidays etc with the needs and demands of aging parents whereas I am more or less free to do what I want as the children are older.
That doesn't mean I wouldn't have them back in a heart beat but just trying to see a plus side. flowers

EatShitDerek Tue 18-Aug-15 10:13:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheRealAmyLee Tue 18-Aug-15 10:17:33

I have a friend in her mid 20's who has lost both parents. I have lost 1 as has my DH. We are both in our 30's.

It is super shitty but you do get through. Having other family or good friends around is the biggest help.

flowers

ThreeBeanRap Tue 18-Aug-15 10:22:39

I'm so sorry for your loss. It really is unfair, you're right. flowers

BetsyBoop Tue 18-Aug-15 10:24:21

It is hard, I really feel for you. Especially with them both happening so close together.

I lost Mum when I was 30 and Dad at 35. I had my children at 39 & 41, and that is what I find most difficult, that the children will never know them. They were such great grandparents to my nephews.

It does get easier though - a very wise friend described it as the "hole" still being there, but life has grown around the hole again, so it doesn't seen quite so cavernous any more.

I get you with the not being fair bit too, a friend of a similar age to me still has all their grandparents (in their mid 90s!) and both parents!

AssembleTheMinions Tue 18-Aug-15 10:24:32

I understand how you are feeling. I lost my dad v suddenly at 29 and my mum a year later at 30. I was days away from giving birth with my first dc before my dad died. He was so looking forward to being a grandad. sad

I'm grateful that my mum had a year with my daughter, it helped a little with the shock of losing dad. Dd1 doesn't have a memory of her which is a shame and obviously dd2 never knew either of them.

I am almost 17 years down the line now and the pain has certainly dulled. I did spend the first few years feeling resentful of people with both parents and in some cases, grandparents blush

I do still feel sad my dds never knew my mum and dad, they would have been excellent grandparents. I am annoyed at myself for not having children sooner, if I had only known how little time they had left.

You do cope, but it takes time. thanks

Babyroobs Tue 18-Aug-15 10:35:09

Not quite the same, but my 4 dc's have lost both their Grandmas very suddenly in the past few years which has been a huge loss especially losing my dm who was very involved in their everyday life. She was caring for my dd the day before she died suddenly. It has been heartbreaking but each day does get a little easier. keep talking to your dd about your parents and keep their memory alive. Sorry i don't have any magic answers for getting through it but it does get easier with time.

1AngelicFruitCake Tue 18-Aug-15 10:38:20

I really feel for you. My husband lost both parents suddenly. His mum when he was 22 and his dad at 28. None of our friends (or me) could properly understand. The two things that I think help are that we include his parents in discussions e.g wouldn't your dad love this? The other thing is he can see how difficult it is when people have ill, elderly parents who need a lot of care and he knows that's something he's glad his parents won't go through.

happymummyone Tue 18-Aug-15 10:39:23

I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine a world without my parents, to be honest, I'm still kind of hoping my nan will live forever. thanks

MrsGentlyBenevolent Tue 18-Aug-15 10:43:01

My dad hasn't been around for years (heard he is very I'll, but could be untrue), my abusive mother is terminally ill. It doesn't actually bother me, I miss having parents but not the ones I have. It's my youngest sibling I feel for, was around 13 when realised there wasn't going to be a mum or dad at all anymore. It's tough as an adult, I can't imagine as a young child/teen.

elliejjtiny Tue 18-Aug-15 10:45:12

So sorry for your losses. My Dad died when I was 31 although I've still got my mum. My 4 older boys were 7, nearly 6, 3 and 9 months. I've since had DS5. My DH still had all his grandparents until he was 23 and I really wanted my boys to have that.

cornbarley Tue 18-Aug-15 10:51:25

I'm so sorry.

Unfair is the only word that fits. Both mine are dead as well - my mum died when I was 15; my dad when I was 29 (I am now 33.)

Bizarre as it sounds I think when you lose one parent prematurely, you think (perhaps not consciously) that the other will survive well into old age: I did. I think I believed lightning wouldn't strike twice even though DH's parents both died when he was 17 so I should have known better!

I think it's frustrating as people assume at our age we will still have family - I can't describe the number of times I have heard an incredulous 'NO ONE?' from HVs. I have started being quite sharp as I really do find it rude. I also worry a lot about what would happen to our children if DH and I both died.

Midnite is correct in that you do come through it. The hurt becomes less and the way of life becomes normal.

But in a way I dread my forties and fifties as my friends' parents will start to age and die and I won't be able to relate to their sadness one bit.

UrethraFranklin1 Tue 18-Aug-15 12:15:53

I don't think of it as unfair. I lost mine long ago, everybody does at one point or another. IT's hard, its sad, its a lot of things, but I don't particularly think of it as unfair.

Samcro Tue 18-Aug-15 12:17:03

yanbu
my dm died when I ws 18 I have always thought that wasn't fair,

scarlets Tue 18-Aug-15 12:24:41

So sorry - what a year you're having.

My best friend was in your position. Her dad died suddenly when she was 30. Her mum was already lost to early onset Alzheimer's at that point (she physically died 5 months later). It's sad that they won't know her children but she has come to terms with it. She feels fortunate to have her DH, DCs, a sibling, nephews, and kind PiLs. She also has a great career and good friends. I think she'd advise you to focus on the pluses. Look after yourself.

thegreylady Tue 18-Aug-15 12:32:59

You make me realise how lucky I am. It is my hope to live long enough for all my dgc to remember me. The youngest is 6 now so I guess another 9 years which would make me 80. I had breast cancer 9 years ago and that feels like yesterday.
My dh1 died aged 44 when our dc were 16 and 11.
My mum was 69 when she died and she saw her dgc grow up which was lovely for all og them.

AnImpalaCalledBABY Tue 18-Aug-15 12:42:18

I'm so sorry

And yes it is unfair

I still have my mum but I lost my dad and my brother (my only sibling) within weeks of each other. The shock of it took me a long time to get over, I never expected to be grieving for my brother- I thought we'd grow old together

Losing them has made me very aware of how quickly life can change and I am terrified at the thought of losing my mum, but I try to make the most of the time we've got

sharonthewaspandthewineywall Tue 18-Aug-15 12:43:13

So sorry. It ISNT fair thanks

imonaplane Tue 18-Aug-15 12:47:04

I was in your situation some years ago. Both my parents died within 6 months. I felt that it was terribly unfair as they were both in their early sixties and should have had years ahead of them. I had 3 young children at the time who are now adults. I think, for me, the hardest part has been the milestones - leaving school, learning to drive, graduation etc - that my parents have missed. I can offer you no real comfort except to say that you will, in time, learn to live with them not being around. Thinking of you.

spreektengels Tue 18-Aug-15 12:49:47

I lost my dear dad when I was 15. I'm not altogether close with my mother so I feel parent less at 26. It's truly unfair I can't get over my grief tbh. I miss him terribly

Sunny67 Tue 18-Aug-15 12:50:33

It isn't fair I fact it's crap. My mum left when I was 7 and died just as turned 17 my younger sister died the following year. I'm now trying to sort out my dad and step mum who both have Alzheimer's diagnosed a year apart, it's heart breaking and hard but if I'm honest inot sure which is worse.

Mintyy Tue 18-Aug-15 12:51:21

Of course it is unfair to lose both parents when you, and presumably they, are relatively young.

I am very sorry for all of you in this situation on this thread flowers.

OurMiracle1106 Tue 18-Aug-15 12:52:49

I know exactly how you feel .I was just 15 months old when I lost my dad and at 24 I lost my mum as well. Both of them were taken by cancer and I miss them both so much .I was also going through a really tough time in my life when I lost my mum and I really needed her .

flowers

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