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To wonder how much financial help is acceptable off parents

(68 Posts)
dippyd123 Mon 17-Aug-15 17:37:21

Just wondering really this is not meant to be a judgmental post so if it comes across as it is then I appologise now. Coming from my own point of view as a single mum who has never been given anything off my parents since ive been an adult (no contact with my dad, and mums probilly more poor than me) I dont expect to I know this is how it is and I manage without handouts.

But what im wondering is like when my children are older I think I would like to be a bit more hands on at helping them out if they ever needed it but without handing to them on a plate sort of thing. But how would you know when enough is enough. Luckilly Its still a few years off.

Reason ive been thinking of this is seems like most my friends are getting this and that off their parents eg holidays paid for, car, decorating. One of my friends is a single mum of 2 29 year old and is still getting an allowance off her dad. Tbh Ive always just thought of her as been spoilt but ive come to realise this is more frequent than I used to think. If im honest yes im a little jealous but guess im only human.

Woman at work was today talking about taking her grandkids for new school uniforme and how much it was going to set her back so we got into this discussion of why its her responsibility she said basically she likes helping her daughter out wherever possible just because theyre grown up doesnt mean they arent her responsibility anymore, she then went on to tell me how shes funding her other daughters driving lessons aswell she was actually kind of bragging about it

So what is acceptable? I mean I dont think ill ever be able to afford anything extravagant (unless i find a rich man) but think I would like to give them a bit more than what ive had I dont think my mum would help me out even if she could afford it she wont even child mind or anything lol

Welshmaenad Mon 17-Aug-15 17:39:47

Surely it's whatever works for your family and budget?

I don't EXPECT help from my dad but he is very generous and likes to help us financially, we help him in lots of practical ways since my mum died. He can afford to help us and it makes him happy.

willowrush Mon 17-Aug-15 17:40:33

I think it's an interesting question.

I was given a lot of financial assistance but in all honesty my dad wasn't really hugely interested in me (he loved me in his own way, but ...) and I'd rather have been able to spend Christmas with him than be sent a cheque, you know?

That said, I definitely want to help my children as much as possible. Put it this way - I'd rather they asked me than the bank loan-wise.

Will definitely be giving them all a deposit for a house.

rookiemere Mon 17-Aug-15 17:44:30

I believe it's very much dependant on the family circumstances.

A lot of mumsnetters seem to believe that your parents shouldn't give you a penny once you're past the age of 16 as it will somehow make you workshy and unable to manage your finances.

My parents very kindly gave me a deposit for my first flat, paid for my wedding and pay for DS's school fees. They want to do it and we're very grateful for it. They can afford it - unfortunately they are now unable to do much travelling and have modest tastes, and it gives them pleasure to be able to give it to us.

I hope we'll be able to support DS when he has significant financial occasions, but sadly our pensions are not going to be as generous as my parents generation so we may not have as much opportunity.

dippyd123 Mon 17-Aug-15 17:49:20

Wow deposits for homes, I doubt ill be stretching to that. I could barely afford a deposit for my first rented place. But things like holidays etc I think id like to help with if possible, of couerse uni if they want to go and of course the usual stuff weddings babies etc

Birdsgottafly Mon 17-Aug-15 17:50:15

I think that whatever they're able to give willingly, is between them.

My DD earns more than me, combined with her DPs income and expects too much, from everyone.

They are very money orientated, it would suit myself and my other children to scale back Christmas, but she is complaining, already.

I'm a big believer in "cut your cloth according to your width", it's not good when your adult children (or family), have a different POV and have friends whose Parents have more disposable income than you.

coffeeisnectar Mon 17-Aug-15 17:52:15

My parents haven't ever helped me with anything financially although I've been in absolute dire straits at times.

They bailed out my sister with help on her mortgage but my sister paid it back.

Both of us have stood on our own feet and never expected them to help us with anything.

My ex however have parents who have helped him out so much that he is incapable of budgeting and now expects things. Not very healthy.

My oldest is 17 and works part time and has saved £700 towards driving lessons. I will give her some money towards some but I just don't think it's right to be funding your grandchildrens essentials, or paying for cars, decorating for adult dc who should be doing it themselves.

The best gift I will give my kids are the skills to live independently and how to budget.

willowrush Mon 17-Aug-15 17:54:45

I don't anticipate my children won't have those skills. But I also know how expensive property is, and how demanding university degrees are. No way do I want my children having to work behind the bar until 2 am then negotiating their way through lectures the next day. So I will help.

loveulotslikejellytots Mon 17-Aug-15 17:56:30

I think it depends on what they feel comfortable giving and your own situation.

My parents gave us a loan to top up the deposit we'd saved for a mortgage. They were very clear it was a loan and we set up a payment plan etc. as I have 2 brothers and they couldn't afford at that time to do it for all 3 of us. Their circumstances changed slightly so the wrote off the last £1000 we owed them. They have put the same amount aside for my brothers. I wouldn't have expected that money though, in the form of a loan or gift.

I certainly wouldn't expect my parents to help with daily living costs or things like school uniform.

dippyd123 Mon 17-Aug-15 17:57:23

Coffee - I totally agree. I worked from been 16 as did my siblings I deffinately know the value of money which tbh im pretty proud about I spend my life budgetting down to A T im very fortunate that I am now in work and have a generous ex who helps out a lot with the kids so financially better off at the moment and for the first time in 9 years starting to have treats for myself whenever I fancy such a good feeling.

My friend soon as she gets paid she blows it on expensive things and sods the bills etc because she knows her allowance off her dad will cover it

Welshmaenad Mon 17-Aug-15 17:58:09

Accepting financial help doesn't make you less independent, or unable to budget hmm

My dad pays for treats. We budget just fine, albeit it tightly as I'm a student and Dh doesn't earn a great whack. He likes to give us money for the extras that are out with our budget. He also likes to buy the kids school jumpers, my mum did when she was alive... It's just something he likes to do. We could happily pay for them ourselves, but it makes him happy.

He's put money aside for us to move house - from my mums inheritance. I can't be arsed to move just now but it's there when we need it. It's partly to help us move closer to him so we can be more on hand as he gets older so it benefits him too.

dippyd123 Mon 17-Aug-15 18:00:32

Never said it makes anyone less independant but deffinately think in my friends case makes her more reliant

ajandjjmum Mon 17-Aug-15 18:01:49

My DP paid around a third off our mortgage when they sold a property, and although we were unsure, we were very grateful to them.

Some years later we extended our home so that my widowed mum could have a granny flat as part of our home.

What goes round, comes round - or it should!

Birdsgottafly Mon 17-Aug-15 18:06:34

""The best gift I will give my kids are the skills to live independently and how to budget.""

My DD (30) can budget, she's seen me live on IS, when I was widowed and she's worked since she was 12, she is very independent in lots of ways.

She's got friends (and a partner) who have parents that can give £1000 for a Birthday party and personality wise she likes showy stuff.

I'd like to do more for my Granddaughter and buying school uniform, a winter coat is the norm were I live, which I can afford. The other GP are putting money regularly into her bank account, which I can't do, but my DD appreciates me being hands on and I buy nappies etc when she is with me.

I think the issues can arise when you mix with people who are so much better off than yourself/parents etc.

Marmiteandjamislush Mon 17-Aug-15 18:08:00

Whatever amount parents want to give and are able to do so without adversely effecting their own quality of life, IMHO. I also believe that all handouts should stop the moment there is any show of entitlement. We have been fortunate as DF made a lot of money in shares and other investments in property, so they gave us a large family in London when I had the DCs. However, before this was gifted DH and I saved a deposit we would have needed to get a mortgage on a house we could have afforded based on our salaries, whilst renting a property from DF (at market value) so that we would understand how fortunate we were. I think that was far better than a straight gift, and we will do the same with our DCs, God willing.

sonjadog Mon 17-Aug-15 18:08:40

I think my parents did a fairly good job of this. They had the finances to support their plan but obviously if they didn't then they would have had to rethink. They wanted to set me and my brother up for adult life without starting off owing a large amount of money, so they paid for our accomodation and gave us an allowance through university. They also bought each of us our first car and gave money for rent deposits. This was only at the start though. By about the age of 25 we were both independent. They were not involved in my mortage at all. Now my mother will pay for the odd holiday and buy the odd thing for my house, but that is it.

thegreylady Mon 17-Aug-15 18:09:07

We have helped all of our dc as much as we could so a contribution to a deposit on a house, a first car, help with uniforms etc etc. We could never do all of anything but we give as much as we can. Now they are all in their 40s so are very settled but if they were in need I'd remortgage the house to help!

amothersplaceisinthewrong Mon 17-Aug-15 18:14:17

We paid tuition ((the £3k not the £9k regime!) and maintenance loans for our two to go to university, as we were of the generation that "went for free" and feel strongly about this. My parents and iils helped us with things like school uniform and bikes etc for the kids when they were young and we were less well off. My Mum will still send me money if she helps my siblings out, which is sweet but mad. I am 55! And she is ultra generous at birthdays for the grandkids.

They are self supporting by and large now, although they both belong to generation rent. If and when we inherit from our parents we will help out with this.

SamBlackCrow Mon 17-Aug-15 18:15:42

My parents gave my sister £60k to buy a house and my little sister £30k. They will give my brother a deposit when he moves out. Guess how much they gave me? I'll give you a clue. It's nothing. When I asked recently I was told the bank of mum and dad was dry. I'm the eldest by the way. Never mind, I now have the biggest house of us all and we did it on our own.

Viviennemary Mon 17-Aug-15 18:17:38

I think if parents are comfortably off and want to help that's fair enough. But saying that I had a colleague once whose parents paid for their house, paid for the extension paid for two children to go to private school. There is a limit I suppose. Still it's up to them.

Viviennemary Mon 17-Aug-15 18:18:49

Didn't see your post Sam. That's awful. Good for you doing it on your own.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes Mon 17-Aug-15 18:21:39

I was given the gift of being able to budget and have lived independently all my adult life (am 48). I worked from age 14 right thtough university and ever since. However I have also had gifts of cash from time to time from my parents, firstly when buying my first home, which simply meant I had a lower mortgage than I would have done, later with various sums which we have saved. They also pay for a holiday for us all once a year, we could and do afford other holidays but we are very grateful for these gifts which they very much want to give. We've never asked for it, never relied on it to get us out of trouble and could have managed without any of it. As it is I appreciate it as a gift given out of love, and would resent any implication that it makes me unable to stand on my own two feet.

Apatite1 Mon 17-Aug-15 18:22:42

No financial help for us, we actually turned down an offer as we didn't need it, but any amount offered and accepted is fine in my books. If parents want to help out kids, then it's none of my business.

My parents paid school fees, wedding costs, house deposit, car and music lessons for three of my siblings but not for me or the others. I begrudge them nothing, they needed the financial help and got it and are all now independent.

nowttodowithme Mon 17-Aug-15 18:24:13

I'm a single parent with one child. My parents help out with lots of things.

My mum has got some uniform and offered to get shoes. My dad pays my car insurance in one lot and I pay him monthly.

I very rarely ask and they can afford it and they are happy to do it.

I also appreciate it a lot!

Judydreamsofhorses Mon 17-Aug-15 18:26:29

My mum often treats me to things when we're out shopping together - a new bag, a pair of shoes or whatever. She's retired and very comfortable, and I know she does a lot for my brother's little boy, whereas we don't have kids. Over the years she's bailed me out with money for roof repairs and the like - she's always said not to bother repaying her because she is happy for me to have the money now rather than as an inheritance. I'm 40 and my partner and I both have good jobs - but not a lot of savings - so it might seem a bit mad to be accepting gifts, but my mum would be hurt if I said no and says she enjoys treating me/helping out.

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