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It was ME that said no so AIBU?

(18 Posts)
HawkEyeTheNoo Mon 17-Aug-15 15:24:08

So, big big birthday coming up in a week or so, over the last few months DP has asked if I wanted a party, my stock reply was how amazing that would be, but I'd be worried no one turned up, so couldn't bear to organise something with that worry on my head. (I've had a hard few months with MH issues where I've not engaged as much with friends but still am in contact and have had them round for tea etc. and I have a very big social circle work / school /hobby but I've been on the quiet side and off work for two months)
So a couple of weeks ago I heard DP on the phone to my friend and he said "I will let you know if I need a hand organizing the party" and of course I didn't let on. Noting is said about it and it may not be for me of course, but during the lonely hours of the night I have worried no one would turn up, stupid? Yes, but unfortunately a side affect of my MH, I'm unreasonable with myself. So after DP saying a couple of things in the past two weeks, all I've replied is, I'd be scared no one would turn up... End of conversation (even though I've never had a party and have said I'd love an over the hill one in years gone by when I didn't have MH)
Last night be asks what perfume I'd like for me birthday and he'd probably take me to a restaraunt he fancies, ok says I (as I think it could be a ploy wink). Today he asks me to go on his FB to find out what date we have been invited to an album launch thingy, and there is a message from the friend he was on the phone to, it says "no, she doesn't want a party, I'm just leaving it"
AIBU to be gutted? Well I know I ABU, but I'm still gutted!! hmm

ChanandlerBongsNeighbour Mon 17-Aug-15 15:29:09

Hmmm, could be a ploy to throw you off the scent? Does he often ask you to look on his FB? That being said, is it too late to tell him that you would like a party? He obviously is confident of people attending otherwise he wouldn't have suggested it.

HawkEyeTheNoo Mon 17-Aug-15 15:30:47

It's definitely too late hmm yeah he usually asks me to find his events on FB as he's rubbish. It was a PM that I shouldn't have even looked at hmmhmmhmmhmm

WorraLiberty Mon 17-Aug-15 15:30:49

Why don't you both stop and talk to one another?

Tell him you would very much like a party, and help him and your friend to organise it.

TheHouseOnTheLane Mon 17-Aug-15 15:31:16

Well it's not too late. Just organise one! You're gutted...tell DH you've changed your mind...have something smaller. Invite a group over that you know will come.

DeputyPecksBentBeak Mon 17-Aug-15 15:31:54

Yes, YABU, but I mean it in the kindest way.

Sometimes it's lovely to have things done for us, but although you've not said no, you haven't been positive about a party so he's thought you really don't want one. That's not a criticism, I have often had the same thoughts about parties and to this day I have never had one (organised by myself or others) because I worry that no one will come.

I'm currently unreasonably annoyed at DH for not organising a surprise holiday. We don't have the money but it would be nice gringrin

But, your DH has shown a lot of care and thought, both with listening to what you've said and with thinking of gifts that you'll appreciate and going out for a nice meal, so it's not all bad.

SpaggyBollocks Mon 17-Aug-15 15:32:07

I think you are being a little unreasonable but I do sympathise.

DH probably felt the pressure would be unbareable for him. your worries would become his while he was organising.

HawkEyeTheNoo Mon 17-Aug-15 15:32:35

It serves me right tbh. Only four days away so .... I should have really discussed the MH bit with him, he knows all about it but I didn't want to say it worried me as feel like a knob most of the time just now anyway

esiotrot2015 Mon 17-Aug-15 15:33:22

Best way not to be disappointed is to organise your own thing

DinosaursRoar Mon 17-Aug-15 15:33:58

oh dear, I fear YABU - he has tried to do what he thinks you want, you've said no to a party, you have hinted it would effect your mental health, so he's not doing a party. If he organised something and only a few people were able to turn up, you'd get upset, and he would rather avoid that - plus they are your friends, not his, so if you are saying "they might not turn up" he might take your word for it that your friends might say they are coming then not show.

If secretly you'd like a party but would like him to do it all so you don't have to worry, then it's not really fair to be gutted at him for not being a mind reader.

RepeatAdNauseum Mon 17-Aug-15 15:34:51

Well...yes, you are.

If you've told your husband that you'd be worried nobody would turn up, multiple times, he's probably worried that by going ahead anyway, he'd risk making your MH issues worse. Nobody would want that on their conscience.

He thought about it, he was going to do it, he even talked to your friend about it - but you've batted it back at every opportunity.

If you do want a party, tell him you've been thinking about what he said and actually, it might be quite nice to have a party.

ChanandlerBongsNeighbour Mon 17-Aug-15 15:35:07

On the plus side, DH sounds lovely for listening to you and for still organising something nice for you to do together to celebrate.

Gruntfuttock Mon 17-Aug-15 15:36:40

Just talk to him and tell him what you want! I have MH issues myself, but at the moment I'm afraid it's your husband I feel sorry for as he can't do anything right. Be straightforward and tell him exactly what you want, for goodness' sake.

HawkEyeTheNoo Mon 17-Aug-15 15:37:05

Yeah I suppose we could do it together, I mean actual birthday is mid week so could maybe do something over the weekend or even the weekend after. I know iABU it would have cheered me up no end tho. I think the worst of it is I did really want one but thought I'd sound like I wanted to be the centre of attention when that's the last thing I'd want anyone to think, so there, just goes to show if you don't ask you don't get and you shouldn't complain! smile

OTheHugeManatee Mon 17-Aug-15 15:48:40

In the nicest possible way, YAB a bit U. If you want a party, tell your DH so and ask him to help you organise it / support you with feeling nervous about inviting people. I sympathise with that as I often leave things too late due to feeling shy but just ask him for help!

HawkEyeTheNoo Mon 17-Aug-15 15:50:14

Thanks Mnetters, I'm going to give myself a kick up the arse and have a chat with him smile

DeputyPecksBentBeak Mon 17-Aug-15 17:53:47

Don't be hard on yourself...and have a lovely birthday whatever you do thanks

HawkEyeTheNoo Mon 17-Aug-15 18:49:07

Thank you deputy, that's so nice smile

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