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AIBU?

Do I need to get a grip ? Family Issues (Long - Sorry)

31 replies

Tomuchsewing · 16/08/2015 22:29

I’ve had a conversation today with my mother and I’ve been really struggling since.

Chances are this will out me, but to be honest given the frame of mind it has left me in I couldn’t care less. I am prepared to be told that I am being unreasonable and to get a grip but I wanted some outsiders perspective on this. There is a back story that I will give a summary on to fill in the picture and to prevent drip feeding.

When I was child my parents relationship was rocky, my father had a temper and emotional and physical abuse occurred probably on a quarterly basis, usually when he had to much to drink, both my mother and I were subject to it, however my younger sister was not, she was shouted at but no physical violence ever occurred. There was some happy memories in there as well though and it’s those that leave me torn and feeling confused.

My parents divorced in my late twenties when my father had affair with another woman (who knew he was married) and subsequently divorced my mother, then married her, both are remarried and happy. It was only in my twenties what I discovered to be ‘normal’ in a relationship and what was acceptable behaviour, my husband is a wonderful man and has never ever shown any of the behaviour that I thought was normal, after I had my own dc I started questioning a lot of my own childhood and started to get quite angry at a lot of things that happened, and why my mother stood by and put up with it, his behaviour was ALWAYS minimized and brushed under the carpet, upon their divorce she was a lot happier and (stressed at the time as he swindled her out of a lot of money and she very nearly ended up homeless) and his behaviour was disgusting, but yet we all still spoke to him, but it was always everyone else’s fault if he was angry or hit someone as ‘they pushed me and shouldn’t have pushed me that hard’ on one occasion during the divorce there was an altercation between a relative of my mothers and him, this was witnessed by my sister and she ended up in court having to give evidence against him. He was found guilty of GBH but only a suspended sentence – I was horrified at this point and thought ‘I’m not speaking to you anymore’ as each phone call I ever had with him was reducing me to tears with the stress he was putting on me with blaming everyone else and any other thing he could complain about.

My mother through out this has encouraged both my sister and I to speak to him as he is our father, I declined and have found my life to be a lot happier since I stopped speaking to him - he has also never met my dc. Anyway my sister is in a new relationship with a man and he has a child, with it being the school holidays they went on a holiday out where our parents live (we both live in another country) and is staying with our mother and her husband – my mother phones excitedly earlier today and says what a lovely time everyone has had. I said that’s nice and what has everyone been up to today ? I was then told about how they had had my father around with his wife and their children (who are around the same age as my sister’s partners daughter if that makes sense?) for a big family lunch and it was all such a lovely jolly time having all the family together under the old family roof.

My jaw dropped and I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, this is the man who had assaulted his then wife (my mother) NUMEROUS times, has BEATEN his own daughter (me) several times in her childhood (resulting in broken bones on one occasion when I tried to fight back), had an affair whilst still married then compared that woman to his wife with some horrible comments (still makes my stomach churn now at the memory of my mother telling me what he had said) screwed his ex wife to the point of exhaustion where she was on medication and not sleeping through worry she was going to lose the roof over her head, assaulted a relative of hers, and she welcomes him into the old family home where she now lives with her husband (who is as placid and easy going as anything) so they can have one big jolly time with the all the family ?! What the actual fuck ? I seem to be the only one that remembers all the shit that he caused, I frostily said something to my mother about how actually the whole family wasn’t there as I was at home ... she gave a pause and said ‘Yes well, the most important ones anyway’ and then wittered on about wanting to facetime each other so we could all see each other and they could say hello as they hadn’t gone home yet ( my father and his new family) I said ‘No thank you’ and ended the phone call on the pretence the dc needed me.

I came off the call feeling so hurt and annoyed that they could all forgive and forget – I seem to the only one who is bearing a grudge about the past and the rest of my family seem to be in the ‘Never mind, let’s just forget it and pretend it didn’t happen’ camp. I came off the phone and was incredibly grumpy and started to be childish in shutting a few cupboard doors in the kitchen a bit to hard when DH come in and asked what was wrong when I told him about it all, he just took me in his arms whilst I cried like a 2 year old, I’m just left questioning my self and thinking am I being a cold hearted bitch here and feeling so confused about it all. It hurts and I don’t want it hurt but I can’t help even seeming like I’m being betrayed in some bloody crazy way.

Is something wrong with me ?!

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chairmeoh · 16/08/2015 22:36

God, how awful. You are not a cold hearted bitch. You have very good reason for feeling the way you do.
And I wouldn't mind betting that you are healthier (mentally) than those who have swept it under the carpet.
But you can't change the way they are dealing with it. If they want to re-write history, you can't prevent that.
The worst though, in my opinion, was your DM saying that all the important people were there. Unvelievably hurtful (although probably said in thoughtlessness rather than cruelty).