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AIBU, DH colleague at work

(146 Posts)
Freakingin Sun 16-Aug-15 18:11:12

NC - sorry just read back over this and it is so long. so thanks for reading it.

My DH has a potential major confidential career change coming up, he doesn't want even a whisper to get out about it, so we have only told two close friends about his plans.

Today he told me that X colleague (woman at work) has given him a suggestion about this situation. I was furious that he told someone in work and also that he told her, he says he trusts her and that she is a friend.

Anyway, we get into a huge argument about it, she is a junior colleague and I just don't get that he is so close to her that he could tell her this very specific information. I told him that I don't and never will approve of that kind of friendship with a female work colleague, He says that I cannot dictate who he is friends with, that I am unreasonable and that the problem is ME, because I have an unjustified issue with this woman.

The fact is, I do have an issue with this 'friendship', about 3 years ago there was an office party, which was loads of fun, DH and I left at the end of the night to go home, other people ended up going to a party. We were at home in bed, DH drunk and out cold, and about 4am his phone pings with a text message from X, asking him where he is, nothing inappropriate, just 'where are you, are you coming?'

I thought it was utterly inappropriate, 4 am, we are home, how could she feel that she could text him at all. Next day I tell DH about the text and that I thought it was inappropriate that she could feel free to text him in the middle of the night, what kind of work relationship did they have that this was okay to her. Anyway, he defended it, telling me I was making a big thing out of nothing, wasn't inappropriate at all, they are friends, blah blah blah.

DH is senior to her by very many levels. When I was working there is no way I would have even considered texting one of the senior exec's outside of working hours. let alone in the middle of the night. I will never be convinced that I was unreasonable to be mightly pissed off.

Over the past few years, I realise they talk to each other about personal stuff, i.e. one of our kids are sick and he says X gave me the name of this Dr. to consult. X and her DH are buying a business and he looked over the business plan for her. He praises how well she does her job and that she should be promoted etc etc. The hackles on my neck raise whenever she is mentioned, but for the most part I don't say anything. Although there was another blow up about something I felt was inappropriate (can't for the life of me remember now what it was !) on many levels.

Today when I blew up, I said something about them both having lunch together alone (I just threw it in there, didn't have a clue if he lunched with her alone or not) and he said ' I have probably only had lunch alone with her on two occasions, the rest of the time we have been with colleagues '. Well fuck me then !

At the end of the day, I don't think they are having an affair, but I really believe he confides in her and she confides in him.

There was a point in the past few years where our relationship was really rocky, he was going out 3 or 4 nights a week, business meals or out with mates to 'blow off steam'. Business meals which he would not get home from until 2 or 3 am. (I would be invited, but can't leave the kids with a babysitter every night of the week ! ).

He said I was being unreasonable and distrusting, that I was always welcome to come along but I didn't want to, although I would go sometimes, I was really close to leaving him at that time point, it was pretty ugly in our relationship during that period, but we managed to pull back from the brink and things have been going well. She probably knows all about that time too, ugh !

If you have read to this point, am I being unreasonable to detest that he has this friendship with this woman? AIBU to view this as a closer than normal work colleague relationship? I am beginning to wonder now if he had a fling with her, or if he fancies her and would if given the opportunity (although I would hope he would not blow his career for an office fling)

I am away at the moment, so we had the argument on the phone and he has not called back, probably gone out to drown his sorrows.

SoleBizzzz Sun 16-Aug-15 18:18:53

Maybe the text was delayed from getting through as they are on New Years Eve for example? I feel you are being unreasonable and jealous. You do not have the right to dictate who he is friends with.

redfairy Sun 16-Aug-15 18:19:04

YANBU. I wouldn't be happy about it OP and I always advise listening to your gut feelings. However, I bet you a pound to a penny that most people will come on here saying YABU and tell you how cool they would be with their DHs lunching and confiding in another woman.

Kym134 Sun 16-Aug-15 18:19:13

You might be being unreasonable. My boss and I do all of these things, he tells me confidential stuff about work, eats lunch with me sometimes and I might text him if I thought he was coming along to an after party and didn't appear for instance. There is NO way I think of him in a romantic capacity, only as a work colleague/friend. Sometimes it just is innocent and I would hate my DH thinking I couldn't be friend with my boss at work.

SunshineAndShadows Sun 16-Aug-15 18:19:45

Sorry - your problem is that he's had lunch with her twice, talks to her like a friend and received a non- flirty/sexual text from her after a drunken office party. Yes YUAVU your DH has done nothing wrong and you're dictating his life to him!

Nolim Sun 16-Aug-15 18:22:20

AIBU to view this as a closer than normal work colleague relationship?

She is more than a colleague, she is his friend. I dont see the problem with having friends at work who have lunch and give advise regarding ill children etc. the text in the early morning is inconsiderate, true.

and he said ' I have probably only had lunch alone with her on two occasions, the rest of the time we have been with colleagues '. Well fuck me then !
i dont see the problem on having lunch with a colleage tbh.

WombatStewForTea Sun 16-Aug-15 18:22:32

Yeah sory op I think you're massively overreacting!
Why can't he speak to/be friends with someone who is on a different level to him. I bet you wouldn't care if this friend was male!
Let it go and give the man a break!

TidyDancer Sun 16-Aug-15 18:23:03

Tbh you sound completely insane and controlling. What on earth makes you think you have the right to dictate his friendships?

redskybynight Sun 16-Aug-15 18:23:49

I can't see anything inappropriate in any of that. I can see why DH might feel the need to confide in someone at work, and actually someone junior who is (presumably) not directly affected would be a more natural choice.

The text sounds like the group moved on to a bar or something and were expecting him to join them.(ie hadn't realised he'd gone home).

Telling a colleague your child is sick and looking over a business plan for them are hardly deeply personal things.

TidyDancer Sun 16-Aug-15 18:26:14

I actually work with a couple in which the wife behaves like this. Their marriage is in big trouble now, largely because of her controlling behaviour. She of course blames her husband and can't see what she's doing. It's hard to watch.

Vatersay Sun 16-Aug-15 18:26:57

Freakin I can't advise on your own situation because I don't know the individuals or the circumstances however I have a perfectly innocent relationship with a senior colleagues of mine, a man who is about 15 years older than me. We chat about work, families, children etc. we have also had occasional lunches.

Totally innocent, on both sides.

WorraLiberty Sun 16-Aug-15 18:31:10

I don't think it's anything to worry about really.

Even the text at 4am. She obviously didn't know he'd gone, so texting a friend to ask where they are (if you think they're still around), isn't that strange.

happystory Sun 16-Aug-15 18:31:43

Change all the shes to hes and hers to hims and see if you still feel the same. I don't think you would. He has a colleague at work who happens to be female. I can't honestly see what either of them has done wrong. Your post is full of 'blow ups, arguments, furious' etc. Do you have trust issues generally or are you currently feeling a bit down about yourself?

SinglePringle Sun 16-Aug-15 18:34:58

You're clearly very jealous. Unnecessarily. I think you are VV unreasonable. He's had lunch, chatted to and received a text from a colleague?

Wowzers, I'd be off if my DP was freaking out like you seem to be.

MistressMerryWeather Sun 16-Aug-15 18:36:42

Nothing in your post sounds inappropriate to me.

They sound like friends.

whattodohatethis Sun 16-Aug-15 18:41:08

They sound like just friends.

You sound controlling and jealous.

SkatesMcgee Sun 16-Aug-15 18:43:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twentyninedays Sun 16-Aug-15 18:43:59

I think it's inappropriate to text at 4am, and that it is possible that they have a toe in the emotional affair water.

If he has had lunch with her I'm surprised he didn't mention it.

It is dangerous in a marriage to have any kind of social contact with someone of the opposite sex who your spouse in uncomfortable about. Your first loyalty is to your spouse and their feelings.

Freakingin Sun 16-Aug-15 18:44:34

Thanks everyone, I guess I will have to eat humble pie, seems the general consensus is that I am being totally unreasonable.

I don't normally have trust issues, he takes his PA out for lunch, she picks him up for office nights out etc, and he has other female colleagues at work that he is friends with, doesn't bother me at all. He also has a female golfing partner.

I cannot put my finger on why this does bother me !

With regards to the 4am text message, DH was drunk and I told everyone including her that we were going home.

Happystory, well spotted, have just been diagnosed with an AI illness, but my feelings about this particular friendship has been bothering me for a few years now.

wowfudge Sun 16-Aug-15 18:45:05

It sounds as though you are insecure and projecting your insecurities onto your husband's friendship. There is nothing about your husband's friendship with his female colleague that raises any flags with me. You sound jealous and controlling. There is nothing wrong with a man having a friendship with a woman.

scarlets Sun 16-Aug-15 18:45:39

I don't think you've anything to worry about here, OP, other than your behaviour alienating him. Try not to dwell on her.

MaliaGrace Sun 16-Aug-15 18:46:57

Unless there's a lot more to this, I honestly think you're massively over reacting. I'm reading your post and looking like this confused.

They simply appear to be friends and I don't see that as an issue. I also don't really understand the outrage that he's confiding in her, in my experience that's pretty normal yet between friends yet many people seem to see that it's always evidence of an affair. I find it all v confusing to be honest.

ACSlater Sun 16-Aug-15 18:47:16

I have a relationship very similar to this with an older, married, senior male.

It's nothing dodgy at all. We're just friends. If someone called it 'inappropriate' then I'd probably laugh in their face.

Man is friends with woman.. Shocker!

zeezeek Sun 16-Aug-15 18:47:43

Yep. YABU. He has a friend FFS. There is no rule to say that senior management can't be friends with junior colleagues. Get a life.

sonjadog Sun 16-Aug-15 18:49:01

I agree. Nothing you have written here suggests to me that they are more than friends.

You can't help how you feel, however, and the answer is not to control your husband's friendships. Have you had bad experiences before, or what is it that makes you so jealous?

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