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To be totally hacked off that we've ended up the bad guys

(103 Posts)
SEmyarse Sun 16-Aug-15 10:10:44

Ds is almost 19. For the last couple of years he has had a part time job out side school in a cafe. During the summer he works full-time there, earning good money. He no longer wants to come on family holidays or go to his gran's when we are away (understandably).

We have allowed him to stay home alone on 3 occasions. The first 2 times we came back to a bit of a mess and evidence of parties. Nothing too horrific, but disrespectful. On the 3rd occasion we gave him a specific set of rules. No alcohol in the house, if having guests they mustn't sleep in our bed and everything cleared up when we get home. We came home to a load of mess, with our bed clearly slept in and beer bottles on the bedside tables!

He didn't even attempt to conceal or clear up anything and knew he was banged to rights. He just said that he accepted the consequences and would be unable to stay at home alone. He said he'd already arranged with friends to stay there when we were away in the summer.

So now we've just been away for 12 days. He turned down the offer to go to his grans because he wanted to work. He put all his stuff in our shed, with sleeping bags and roll mats if necessary. There's even a tent in there somewhere.

We've come back to find he's been kipping on people's sofas (as arranged), but people are so utterly horrified that we locked him out that they've now offered for him to move in with them since things must be so bad at home! He's earning about £300 a week FFS and CHOSE to stay here (and break the rules in the first place).

He has utterly refused to use a laundrette since it will eat into his beer money, but when he ran out of clothes he just bought a new outfit for £40. He's been caught washing his pants in the work sink, so his workplace also think he's on his arse and have been going him free bits of food. i don't think he's spent a penny on any just eating cold beans out of tins and munching cucumbers! that he was donated. Don't ask about the cucumbers but he exchanged some with a local burger joint in return for free burgers.

He thinks its hysterical, and is proud of himself for not spending a penny. We get on pretty well on the whole and he's not annoyed with us for not letting him stay here, but he found it very funny telling me all the people I ought to avoid that are furious with me. Some of these people knew my intentions but apparently never thought I would go through with it. He's nearly 19! He can look after himself in a situation he chose for himself!

sumoweeble Sun 16-Aug-15 10:15:18

Oh, he sounds like a little fucker, like my boys! Well done for following through and preventing him trashing your place again. Embrace your bad guy role!

Starbrite00 Sun 16-Aug-15 10:15:32

I can see your point in taking away privaledges.
Locking him out for your holiday duration isn't something I would do though.
I would have got a house sitter to watch the house and let him stay.

suzannefollowmyvan Sun 16-Aug-15 10:17:11

he sounds rather calculating and manipulative

sumoweeble Sun 16-Aug-15 10:17:44

He sounds really funny, though. I love my boys when they're in that "hahaha mum, your boundary setting has completely backfired due to our clever cunning ways/ We win yOu are a LOSER!" even though is is HIGHLY annoying.

Bythedowns2 Sun 16-Aug-15 10:18:48

I did a couple of times when I was younger but my parents never looked me out!!! Yes I got a rollicking but soon learnt disrespectful is s bit of a overreaction to someone that has had a party when parents are away? Who hasn't done it

Spartans Sun 16-Aug-15 10:18:56

He had the option of staying at the grand. I wouldn't have let him stay there either since he clearly has no intention of respecting your rules.

He has been awful, letting people think that you are the bad ones. He is also a scrounger.

Do you charge him rent?

Finola1step Sun 16-Aug-15 10:19:00

Hmm.. Sounds like you have a 19 year old adult male who needs to stand on his own two feet. Talk to him about renting a bedsit. Start working out costs per month. Tell him that you will be happy to help him with initial costs e.g buying a cheap crockery set, cutlery set etc.

Perhaps a cold winter in a bedsit will help him to appreciate home comforts. Oh and moving in with a friend's family because life at home is oh so dreadful? Sod that. Id be round there pretty sharpish telling them exactly what is going on.

If your ds carries on this way, he will be seen as a bit of a freeloader or mickey taker.

Costacoffeeplease Sun 16-Aug-15 10:19:08

Why would you be embarrassed or ashamed and have to avoid people? He behaved badly, knew the consequences and accepted them. If anyone tries to make you feel bad just laugh and say 'is that what he told you?'

Caprinihahahaha Sun 16-Aug-15 10:19:42

You only have his word for it that people are furious with you.

And it's possible that if there are people who are furious with you, they are arseholes.

I would let it go.

Ds1 did all his uni visits alone because that was what he wanted to do. When he met friends with their parents he made out we couldn't give a shit.
I thought it was quite funny. He was pretty pleased with himself grin

NoelHeadbands Sun 16-Aug-15 10:20:34

Ignore and if anyone comments, brush it off. Sounds like people will get the real measure of him soon enough

SillyStuffBiting Sun 16-Aug-15 10:20:37

You locked him out of his home?

I'd be pretty horrified to hear that too.

Georgethesecond Sun 16-Aug-15 10:21:06

Little bugger! Well it's a life lesson for him. Make him do extra chores for his free board and lodging, grin ruefully and move on. This is going to become a family joke, isn't it.

Spartans Sun 16-Aug-15 10:21:28

by I haven't done it.

My parents left me alone in their house, why would I disrespect their rules and wishes, when they patsy for the house.

Mum and dad wouldn't have let someone stay over in my bed when I was away either.

howtorebuild Sun 16-Aug-15 10:22:02

What went wrong? Is this the rod in the back everyone tells you about.?

SaveMeBarry Sun 16-Aug-15 10:22:04

Sorry op but he sounds like a bit of a shit really! I don't think you were wrong not to allow him stay while you were away as he's already made it very clear he doesn't respect you or your belongings.

That's really horrible that he thinks it's funny to allow people to think badly of you and while generally I'm inclined not to care much what people think, in this situation I'd be putting them straight.

To be honest it seems time he moved out, that might actually help him grow up because right now he's acting like an immature 15 yr old.

Costacoffeeplease Sun 16-Aug-15 10:22:07

He's nearly 19, not 9 FFS

suzannefollowmyvan Sun 16-Aug-15 10:22:17

‎Possibly the only way to get back in control is to not care about what other people think.
But he probably realizes that you care very much and that's why he used it as a string to pull‎

Georgethesecond Sun 16-Aug-15 10:22:32

I think "Is that what he told you?" (without further justification) is the way to go, definitely.

LastUnicorn Sun 16-Aug-15 10:22:45

19 Year old me would have found that absolutely hilarious it's still funny

He sounds like an annoying cheeky chappy but no real harm done surely. If anyone asks about it just set them straight

sumoweeble Sun 16-Aug-15 10:23:01

Do you have teenage trashers of your house though, starbrite? I have had the works in terms of coming back to absolutely shocking conditions (after short weekends away not long trips) and I think it's utterly fair to say look, you can't stay here while I'm away if teenagers are persisitently shit on this. It's so soul destroying to return from a nice trip away to absolute chaos and have to greet your teenagers by making them clean it all up in a furious atmosphere...

mrsdavidbowie Sun 16-Aug-15 10:24:02

Good for you.
He's playing a game.

BudgeUp Sun 16-Aug-15 10:26:18

Why should OP get a house sitter? They're not free!

Do you have any pictures of the mess he left last time? If so a quick post on his Facebook timeline will let everyone know the truth of the situation. He sounds quite fun though and good that you generally have a positive relationship.

TTTatty Sun 16-Aug-15 10:26:58

Laugh if anyone says anything. No problem with locking him out. Abusing your trust was not good at all. If I came back and my house was a mess and someone had been sleeping in my bed I would be very disappointed.
He clearly has a gift for getting sympathy but laugh off anything mean directed at you.

specialsubject Sun 16-Aug-15 10:27:03

blast his social media with 'my son is a manipulative, lazy, scrounging liar'. Time he was exposed for what he is. He broke your trust twice and now he is doing the same to others.

and then chuck out. Tell him to come back when he is trustworthy.

not funny. What a little shit. How would you feel if you were one of the people who looked after him and then discovered the truth? Bet you wouldn't think it was funny...

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