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To not know if I want to be friends with this person anymore?

(30 Posts)
NeedyFriendHelp Sat 15-Aug-15 21:51:54

Have NC changed for this because I don't want this to out me.

Met this friend about 18 months ago. I will start by saying she is a lovely, sweet, trustworthy person. But I just don't know how to deal with her.

She is early 20s. Has had a tough life and has and lives with abusive parents. You wouldn't know it to look at them and her sometimes but she has confined me in me about things and I've try to offer as much practical advice as I can

She can be quite difficult to deal with. Usually she is quite happy, chatty and can make even the most miserable of us laugh- so I know when she is in a bad mood "and closes off". Of course she is entitled to her privacy but it can be difficult to deal with the silence and sad looks when she won't talk to you and your spending time with her.

I used to see her everyday as our offices were next to each other. We just got chatting one day and then we were going for lunches together, would see her when I parked up in the morning and went for the very occasional drink. I will say that I guess I iniated the friendship because at first I thought she would be a fun person to be friends with and knew she was shy (spoke to one of her co workers who agrees she is a nice girl but doesn't really speak to anyone). We had been friends for a few months before she confined in me about her problems. I asked one day what was wrong and that if she needed someone to talk to I was there and she told me. I did say I would always be there for her as a friend if she wanted support and she could contact me anytime. She never seemed to outside of work hours so I just assumed she had someone else to talk to.

Anyway she left her job a few weeks ago. There was a bit of bad feeling and people came to me saying different things and I decided to give her space. She would text me everyday asking me how I was, what I was doing, how was work etc. I felt obliged to reply so I did text her back and ask her how she was, offered her some support. I've been having a tough time myself the past few weeks so I did text her to try to cheer her up to make myself feel better. We met for lunch one day and everything seemed OK.

And then this is where it goes a bit weird. She will drive aimlessly around the town and keep passing the offices where I work, where I park as if she is looking for me. Of course it is our local town and she might need to go shopping etc but she will be there everyday. And if she is in town she will text me saying "let's go for lunch" or texts me saying "I need to go into town today if you want to meet up at lunch or after work I'll fit my plans in around that"

She will park up where I park when I'm working. It is a free car park but there are other places she can park for free. It's a bit more of a walk to get in town but only another 5 minutes.

She texts me everyday asking how I am, what I'm doing, misses me etc. I do miss her so I say it back but I'm responding because I can't deal with a guilt trip text message I imagine she would send if I didn't. I tried not replying but she just texts me the day after. She has asked me three times this week if I want to meet up and I've skirted around the texts but she isn't getting the hint.

WalfordEast Sat 15-Aug-15 22:16:59

I think you just need to make your mind up and decide if you want to have contact or not. One of my best friends has just moved across the country and I text her everyday and worry about whether or not I'm annoying her.

It might upset her but it's better to be honest with her then to keep stringing her along which you are doing. If she continues to text then change your number or block hers. As for driving around your local town and parking in what I assume is public space- there is nothing you can do about it. YOU could park somewhere else if it bothers you that much- or ignore her. If she approaches you and you are intimidated then tell her if she does it again you will call the police.

I had problems with my parents and I didn't know how to cope sometimes and couldn't of managed without my friends.

MyIronLung Sat 15-Aug-15 22:43:25

Op, I think you sound quite unpleasant.
Reading your op you claim that this 'friend' is "lovely, sweet and trustworthy" and that you offered yourself as a confidante but now she's taking you up on that offer you think she's/the situation is a "bit weird".

Quick question, why on earth shouldn't she park wherever the hell she wants? She probably thinks that you're actually her friend and that you like meeting her for lunch. Which by the sounds of it, you did. That is until people started saying things to you about her. How very kind you were giving her space, it's just a shame you didn't let her know that's what you were doing!

I think you should definitely end this friendship. Not for you, for her, she sounds vulnerable and I'm sure the last thing she needs is a fake friend. You sound horrible.

Hellionandfriends Sat 15-Aug-15 22:53:54

Why have you gone from being/saying you are a supportive friend to trying to cold shoulder her? Your behaviour is odd and not normal. She's obviously values your friendship and is trying to make things work despite the different work settings. She's just trying to arrange a meet up at a time that suits you!

You say there was a bit of bad feeling when she left and people have gossiped about her to you. What was said? How do you know its true? Not twisted. What's your friends version of events?

NeedyFriendHelp Sat 15-Aug-15 23:03:55

People started to tell me she was acting odd. She would talk to a few people and get over invested in their problems and would always want to spend time with them and expect the spotlight to be on her all the time. She has told me she isn't like this and she does like to help people but I have noticed that if we are out together and I see a co worker or friend she goes a bit odd and it's like she is jealous??

People have also said she would be sat outside of work really early reading and couldn't work out why. She would get there at 7 o clock some mornings apparently and would stay late as well. I guess if she doesn't have a comfortable home life she doesn't want to be there but surely a bit odd?? I just feel in a way she is stalking me and always wants to be around me. I have seen her driving round town at 9 o clock at night and just sitting in that car park.

She just texts me all the time telling me she misses me. In the past texts have got emotional if I haven't responded saying "why do you always do X, why do you always do Y" and picking apart everything I do. She will text me about the smallest thing. And expects to know every detail of my life- once I was talking to a co worker about my mothers illness, and she overheard and she made a offhand comment something along the lines of "I hate friends who don't tell you things, they aren't friends at all". Surely my place to tell her.

laffymeal Sat 15-Aug-15 23:06:23

You both sound equally hard work.

Nevercallmehun Sat 15-Aug-15 23:06:52

She's going through a rough time and is a bit extra needy by the sound of it. You did promise to be there for her but it is hard when you don't really know someone very well not to be put off when they're emotional or in a bad way.

I would meet her and try to support her/ get to the bottom of why she's following you. Try to set clear boundaries so she doesn't stalk you to see you, like say have lunch once a week on a set day so she knows she doesn't need to try to bump into you to see you. That's if you still want to continue the friendship.

NeedyFriendHelp Sat 15-Aug-15 23:24:27

I do know her quite well. And i do like her. And i do in a way want to be friends with her and support her.

But I dont know how to approach it with her- i cant tell her to "stop stalking me". She will just get emotional and guilt trip me.

And is it too much to text someone evryday about random shit??? Im quite a private person anyway and dont have many friends myself so in a way this is all new to me.

I dont want to come across as horrible because im not, but ive got to look after myself first.

Cabrinha Sat 15-Aug-15 23:24:33

So, you initiated the friendship, you promised to be there for her, but now you decide you've over promised and don't actually want to bother with her?

You can't carry on the friendship but FGS stop now looking for lots of reasons to blame her for that. And maybe next time don't promise to be there for people so quickly when you don't mean it?

Cabrinha Sat 15-Aug-15 23:25:14

My best friend and I text every day about random shit.

WalfordEast Sat 15-Aug-15 23:32:24

Let me give it from the side of someone who has suffered to similar to this person.

I had horrible, narcissistic parents. Being in their presence for more than 5 minutes just drained me. I dreaded going home at night, and would often find excuses to delay going home. Id park up and read, id go to Mcdonalds and take forever to eat a hamburger.

Its shit to think you have support from someone when you dont. I know i can come across as overbearing sometimes but im lonely,I worry about my friends more than I should and I too get over invested sometimes.

Be honest with her. You cant expect me to think your a nice person if your stringing someone along.

MrsReiver Sat 15-Aug-15 23:35:20

She would get there at 7 o clock some mornings apparently and would stay late as well. I guess if she doesn't have a comfortable home life she doesn't want to be there but surely a bit odd??

Not if she has abusive parents, no, not odd at all!!

NeedyFriendHelp Sun 16-Aug-15 00:03:17

Thank you everyone for your advice. I'm not too sure what to do really as there are other people involved including her ex boss who I went to speak to about the situation. People around me think it's weird and I need to cut contact but I feel really sorry for her in a way. But I'm concerned she actually is stalking me. I think I need to start with finding somewhere else to park on Monday?!

WalfordEast Sun 16-Aug-15 00:17:59

Don't be friends with someone because you feel sorry for them. That is horrible. Your friends with someone because you want to be. Not because you feel obliged to be.

I think you have made your mind up about this OP. Maybe you don't want to cut off contact because as you said earlier- you help people so you feel better about yourself. I'm sorry if your going through a tough time at the moment but it isn't fair to use people like that. It's vile.

And I really don't know why you had to drag her old boss into it. I would find that a bit weird if I was her.

What was said?

PerspicaciaTick Sun 16-Aug-15 00:21:37

She has an unhappy, abusive home life and a very limited circle of friends. She has lost her job, which means she has also lost much of her social interaction and companionship (even if she was shy she probably enjoyed feeling part of a group of co-workers). So she is seeking you out. And you've decided that she is weird?

Maybe she is a bit odd, or over-invested in the friendship or whatever, I can see why she might want to lean on a friend at the moment.
I would have thought the first thing to do is talk to her and try and set some boundaries about when you are available for lunch/phone calls etc. If she then keeps overstepping the boundaries, then may be the time to tell her that you can't continue to be as involved.

But if she isn't used to having lots of friends, then she might be finding her way through new social rules and etiquette (and getting it a bit wrong). But she won't be able to do things differently if you haven't told what the problem is. And dumping her while she is really vulnerable seems rather unkind from the details you have shared here.

PerspicaciaTick Sun 16-Aug-15 00:24:02

TBH - it sounds like you are worried that continuing the friendship will reflect badly on you with your workmates. And that you hope she'll just disappear.

Poppyclock Sun 16-Aug-15 00:27:48

Hate the way everyone finds the meanest way to interpret what you've said. You're in a difficult position, could an email help? You could explain that you love catching up but the daily texting is a bit much. You are allowed to change your mind about the amount of support you can offer because it sounds like your circumstances have changed too. If you do nothing you'll wince every time the phone beeps or be scurrying out to you car to hide from her. Put your cards on the table but you are not a bad person if you need to withdraw from this relationship.

MyIronLung Sun 16-Aug-15 00:31:25

Why would you go to her ex boss to speak about the situation?!

If you honestly think you're being stalked then the people to go to for advice is the police, not MN or people that, by the sounds of it, probably don't like your 'friend' very much (for example, her ex boss!)

I very much doubt she's stalking you (and I doubt you really think that either) but I do get the impression that you're somewhat enjoying the drama that this 'stalker' is causing.
Don't park somewhere else, be a grown up and let her know that you don't want to be friends with her anymore. After all, in your own words, she's sweet and trustworthy, why are you suddenly acting like you're worried she's going to boil your bunny?

NeedyFriendHelp Sun 16-Aug-15 00:42:31

I had to because I had concerns about her and my safety and after other people reported things to me I felt I needed to tell her my concerns too.

I really don't know if she is? I just find it odd what she does. That's she insists on parking where I park when she's in town, is constantly texting me and trying to arrange to meet up. In some ways I do miss my friend and want to be there for her but surely her behaviour is a concern??

She wouldn't hurt me, I know that. If I ignored her IRL she would ignore me back.

MyIronLung Sun 16-Aug-15 00:48:27

She wouldn't hurt you but you had concerns for your safety?

Ignore her then, job sorted. Bit of a cowards way out though.

whattodohatethis Sun 16-Aug-15 00:49:04

No, her behaviour is not a concern.

What is a concern is the way you are treating someone who is vulnerable and who thinks you are her friend.

She has an abusive home life. Of course she will be doing whatever she can NOT to go home.

I talk to my best friend every single day and usually just about rubbish. This morning I messaged her to tell her I stood on a slug. This evening I messaged her to tell her my cat was glaring at me.

She is texting you to meet up because she misses your friendship!!

She has gone from having a job and people around her all the time and has now got nobody. The person who she thought was her friend has now decided to give her the cold shoulder.

You are a horrible person

NeedyFriendHelp Sun 16-Aug-15 01:05:19

She does apparently have other friends. So I guess part of me wonders if she is like this with them and if not why not??

BlueBananas Sun 16-Aug-15 01:08:59

OP you sound awful!!
She deserves a better friend than you

SniffsAndSneezes Sun 16-Aug-15 01:10:08

All I would say is it sounds as though this woman is really lonely. And loneliness is agony. I've been there. I'm lucky in that now I have some really amazing friends, and heck we text each other our random brainfarts at all hours of the day and night!

She needs a friend, OP. If you're going to be her friend, and be a good friend, this is not the way to go about it.

Theycallmemellowjello Sun 16-Aug-15 01:27:30

I think you're getting a really hard time on here. I don't think you sound horrible at all - it's possible to sincerely like someone, want to be friends and be there to talk to them about their problems, and still feel overwhelmed by texts everyday and requests to meet up several times a week. I agree that she is behaving like this because she is vulnerable, but I don't think that means the friendship has to be all on her terms. I think you have to reply as frequently as you're comfortable to her texts and be firm about how often you meet - you can tell her spontaneous meet ups don't work for you and you'd rather meet for coffee on x day for example. I think it's ok to tell her you feel overwhelmed by the volume of contact as well, if you think she wouldn't be too offended. Perhaps you could encourage her to widen her social circle too.

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