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Co-parenting vs anon sperm donor

(6 Posts)
FlowersAndShit Sat 15-Aug-15 11:03:43

Due to health issues i'm considering going it alone and having a child sometime next year. I have looked into both co-parenting and using a sperm donor and have already asked a friend who is willing to provide sperm through a clinic and co-parent. He already has a son and seems like a wonderful dad (known him 3 yrs) but he lives in a different country (USA). He works for an airline so is able to get heavily discounted flights and we would both go to each others countries so that he could see our child.

I really don't know which option to take. I don't want my child to hate me and i'm so worried about how it will affect him/her. They say stability is really important for kids but i'm just thinking how stable is it to have two parents in different countries? Then again the child will have a relationship with his father and know him, lots of family on it's dad's side (I have hardly any), whereas with an anon sperm donor my child won't know who their father is until they reach 18. WWYD?

lalalonglegs Sat 15-Aug-15 11:45:15

Is the sperm donor's other child a result of a similar arrangement or did the relationship with his/her mother break down? Where does the child live? How does your potential baby father intend to involve himself in both children's lives? Would the children get to know each other? Would he contribute financially? How much access would he require? Would he want your child to spend some of his time in the States? What are his thoughts on education/breastfeeding/discipline/screentime etc etc etc. I would want very detailed answers to all these questions and many more and then I would spend money on someone with expertise in this area to draw up a very tight contract which was enforceable in both jurisdictions. How well do you know him if he lives in another country.

There is an event called the Alternative Parenting Show that is held once a year which often has keynote speakers on these sorts of issues. Well worth attending, I would have thought.

InTheBox Sat 15-Aug-15 12:21:51

I'd go for anon sperm donor. The other option isn't really going to be very co-operative with his father living in the US with only a handful of flights every year. If you're choosing to go it alone then it's better fully doing it alone than having to negotiate parenting styles with a man half way across the world.

CluckingBelle Sat 15-Aug-15 13:27:27

I'd go it alone in your position. Plenty of mums do (not always through choice but it is doable). Do you have a good support network? People to help out when you need a break or for things it's awkward to take a child along to such as hospital appointments?

Why complicate things? If the potential father lived nearby and was able to be actively and regularly involved then maybe, although personally I would still go it alone. If the child knows his/her father but barely sees them will they feel rejection? Miss them? Feel anger towards them for living in another country? Jealousy of the sibling who gets to see Dad regularly? All these are negative emotions which you are in a position to prevent.

hibbleddible Sat 15-Aug-15 14:27:53

I have seen a co-parenting arrangement work very well.

I would however be very careful about entering into an arrangement like this, as like a previous poster said, you need to agree about parenting, contact, maintenance etc.

With him living in the us I think it would be very difficult. Would you consider moving near to him? (Or him moving here?)

FlowersAndShit Sat 15-Aug-15 16:14:14

Thanks for the replies. It's such a difficult decision, a moral dilemma.

hibble it's not possible really. Visits would be 3-5 times a year.

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