Am I a last resort friend or am I being a prick about it all?(12 Posts)
Do other mums sometimes feel like they are being used as a 'last resort friend' when the following happens:
1) Friend says they will pop round the next day, does a no-show, seen to be cycling past the house as seen by DH and then posts on FB that she went to see a friend.
2) Talk about a pre-arranged event with other mums/friends that you know nothing about and when she realises that 'you are there' then asks if you want to go.
3) Texts to say going somewhere in a couple of days, venue is changed, another mum gives you the new venue but only when you have text to check times for friend to then be 'surprised' that you are there because 'they forgot to tell you of the venue change'.
4) Friend only texts to meet up when her best friend is at work, at home will ill DD or DS, or on holiday.
5) Ignores you at groups but will happily talk to other unknown mums to her, when you are in mid-conversation.
6) Tells 'unknown mums' that they should pop-in/pop by when they're passing as you're leaving a party and then turns to you and says in a muted tone "I'll see you around".
7) Seems to be upset/sad about personal events in her life. You offer a coffee and a sounding off board but makes an excuse not to pop round, asks what you are doing tomorrow, tell her (no plans) and then doesn't follow through with a; I'll pop round or 'I'll give you a ring to see if you are up to doing something' etc, etc.
8) Best friend of friend (keeping up yet?????) has a party (she is also a friend who socialises with a lot of mums including me as a group) and invites all other mums and kids but fails to invite mine because 'she forgot'. That day I went to visit relatives but she didn't know that!
9) Notice on FB that special events like Christenings are attended by mum friends in social circle but 'you' have been left out.
10) Will take days even over a week in some cases to respond to texts.
11) Will want to meet up somewhere, gives impression that other mums are there too but it turns out the four other mums that are in our circle are all busy.
12) Often socialises with other mums in circle but rarely invites me.
There was another mum in our circle but 'friend' didn't like her. Said she was miserable etc (pot calling kettle black because friend does nothing but moan about going out somewhere even when she suggested it!!!). I think the other mum cottoned on to this friend being a bit stand-offish because they don't socialise but will chat and be friendly at events they both happen to be at. This other mum has developed another circle of friends.
I may be barking up the wrong tree, being over-sensitive which will surprise me because despite the above, I actually prefer my own company but don't like being used as the 'last resort friend'.
I am now trying not to bother myself much which this mum anymore but feel like I may be isolating my DS as some/most of his friends are within this social circle of mums. He has other friends outside the 'village' so it isn't as if he is completely isolated and he has nursery 5 mornings a week. But he will ask after friend's child and the others.
Should I dump and run or am I being a fucking prick about this??
She sounds horrible - at the very least she is thoughtless and selfish, but it sounds as if she's being actively unkind. You and your DS are better off without her.
Socialise with her with others- but don't make an effort to be there for her iykwim. If she says she's going to pop round, say "sure I'll be home until X time" and then you can do something with the rest of your day (assuming you are waiting round for her).
I have a friend who will say she will do things and pull out last minute- not given up yet as she's been good to me, but I'll only make the effort to see her if she arranges and/or I'm somewhere and walking past and get into conversation with her and suggest having coffee.
Maybe invite the other mums round for a play date or whatever and see how she likes it.
I'd distance yourself from her because tbh, it doesn't sound as though she's that keen on you.
If your child is friends with hers, then that doesn't have to stop you inviting her child to play with yours.
Unless she's a bit of a hovercraft and insists on coming with.
I have a so called friend who does some of this. After 8 years of trying to please her I've finally seen the light and she is not a friend to me anymore
She is still in the group but pleasing her is no longer the priority. I wouldn't care if I never see her again.
I make sure to see the others but don't schedule events around her anymore . If preferitif she doesn't com e now anyway.
She is mean callous and doesn'tcare about my life. It's blatantly obvious .
I hope you can move on from her with out if affecting the others. You may be surprised. They may feel this way too .
If you don't like her then don't arrange to meet up with her, but I would stop keeping 'score' because having a list of the ways in which you have been let down is not a recipe for joy! Just gently step back from her but not the group.
I've just dumped a friend who was being a cow to me. She won't admit it, has come out with utter bollocks excuses that don't add up then when I've called her on it she says it's petty and she's moved on. She wants to feel free to be a cow and I'm expected to take it but as I haven't and have distanced myself, she doesn't like it.
Life is too short for this type of bullshit. She isn't a friend at all I'm afraid.
You're flogging a dead horse there matey.
She doesn't appear to want a close friendship with you. Which is fine btw- we don't all have to like each other.
Do the dignified thing and find new, real friends to spend time with.
I agree with PPs - it sounds like she doesn't really want to spend time with you. That doesn't mean she's horrible or mean, just that she doesn't feel you gel very well, and as you seem to feel the same, I would just let things drift and stop letting her lack of interest bother you.
I've just posted a similar thread - that's me, a last resort friend at the minute!
Hope we get a different perspective on things as I'm feeling horrendous just now.
Thank you all. You have all confirmed what I already knew but for my own sanity I needed perspective to make sure I wasn't being a tit.
Fizrim - I have a very good memory, hence why I can remember a lot!
WalfordEast and Worraliberty - absolutely! I will of course speak to her etc, but I am going to make an effort NOT to get involved and say; "thanks but no thanks" when she asks me to events etc.
These were 'friends' I made after becoming pregnant and in all honesty, I don't need them. I have plenty friends - parents and those who aren't parents who accept me for who I am and certainly don't let me down.
It's a shame that I cannot find a like-minded friend in my village who I can at least rely on to keep to plans, trust and be reliable. I just didn't want to be the parent at the gate nobody knows!
In the grand scheme of things, my DS has friends at his childminders and friends at nursery whose parents I don't know. He'll get by, I am sure. He'll still see this friend's child and the other children from the social group and like always, he'll get along just fine. But now is the time to let go of this friendship.
Thanks again. Moving on.
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