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About daughter getting into uni

(179 Posts)
ComeTheRawPrawn Fri 14-Aug-15 08:39:42

I need some perspective here.

Daughter (18) has been horrendous to live with this year, to the point where we nearly asked her to go and live with her Gran for a while because she made things so unpleasant. Drinking, sleeping around, lying, spending our money on things we didn't want her to, getting sacked from part time job, refusing to attend 6th form. It's been a bad few months with her. We had daily phone calls from teachers stressing out about her lack of coursework and missed deadlines. It reached the point where, as much as I still love her, at the minute I don't really like her, nor do I trust her, due to the lying and money issues.

Results day came yesterday and she got poor grades compared to the requirements for uni. They wanted AAB and she got BDD. I thought this was a fair result considering she didn't crack a textbook open since Christmas. The uni have accepted her anyway!

I feel like she's learnt nothing from all the trouble she gave us, I feel very much that she doesn't deserve this place.

She wants to go to uni again now. My first concern is that she's shown such little academic commitment this year that she'll struggle with the independent learning of uni but accept that she will find out the hard way.

My other concern is that, having lost her part time job, the loan/grant she will get will by swallowed up by halls fees and she'll have nothing left to live on. She won't get another job easily, having been sacked. She didn't apply for halls or loans because she gave up on the idea of uni so of course all the cheapest halls will be taken. Her loan might not even cover all her rent now. She's expecting to go and for us to 'top her up' until she finds a job. I really begrudge this. In order for us to do this, we'd have to cut back to severe basics, our budget is tight as it is. My partner would have to do loads overtime just to keep our basic bills paid. I don't want us to do this for her after the things she's done this year. She's still not at all apologetic about any of it.

Aibu to say that she can't go this year and needs to defer a year? Next year, she'll get a better loan anyway, she can use this year to save up too, when she eventually finds a job. We could afford for her to live here & continue to feed her, and hopefully her lack of spends would motivate her to get a new job.

19lottie82 Fri 14-Aug-15 08:44:03

She's an adult, you can't say she "can't go". All you can do is sit her down and have a chat with her and work out a dummy budget to show her so she might realise it's not realistic.

OK chances are she won't listen to you, but what's the worst that happens? She has to drop out? Lots of kids drop out in their first year. She can always go back when she's more mature and "ready" for Uni.

I feel your pain here but I really don't think there's much you can do.

takemetomars Fri 14-Aug-15 08:44:26

If she were mine I would maker her defer. She neds to learn that there are Consequences for poor behaviour

19lottie82 Fri 14-Aug-15 08:45:56

If she were mine I would maker her defer

Because that's really going to improve things, isn't it? It doesn't sound like she's too keen on her parents at the moment anyway, making her defer, will just make things even worse.

AlpacaMyBags Fri 14-Aug-15 08:46:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ComeTheRawPrawn Fri 14-Aug-15 08:46:49

Lottie, I was under the impression she needed our details for her loan application and can't get it without that?

Euphemia Fri 14-Aug-15 08:47:13

Could she go into a flatshare instead of halls? Might be cheaper.

I worry that deferring for a year will just compound her problems and make her give up on uni altogether. Maybe a total change: away from school, away from home, having to cope on her own, is what she needs?

She's an adult now - if she needs money she'll need to try to get a job.

NobodyLivesHere Fri 14-Aug-15 08:47:48

Say no to the financial support. She needs to learn behaviour has consequences.

ScentedJasmine Fri 14-Aug-15 08:47:57

She needs a reality check but hard to accept or take in at her age.
'How are you going to afford this' you could ask and simply say you cannot afford to support her.
Perhaps she does need a year to grow up a bit?
On the other hand many of us have to make our own mistakes to learn...
My sympathies....

saintlyjimjams Fri 14-Aug-15 08:48:12

I don't think you can say she can't go this year.

What you can say is that you cannot financially support her this year, do if she goes she will have to work out how she will support herself.

You can say that next year you will be in a much better position to provide any financial support - and she will be in a better position as well.

Present it as a pragmatic response to the situation this year. If you don't have the money that's the reality so she has the choice to support herself or wait a year until things will be easier.

DustBunnyFarmer Fri 14-Aug-15 08:50:30

Can you ring the student finance advisers at her uni for advice about your/her options re her loan application?

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed Fri 14-Aug-15 08:50:35

You can't make her, but you can explain finances to her. she won't listen, obviously. To be honest I dont know if there are two sides to the story so it's hard to comment on her behaviour. If you don't want her there, shouldn't you just be happy she's going and has a chance to make something of herself? It's sounds as if you want her future to suffer for how she behaved this year. this could refocus her and sort her out.

Salmotrutta Fri 14-Aug-15 08:51:50

I'm amazed that the Uni wanted ABB but accepted BDD?! confused

May I ask what course this is OP?

Anyway, Your DD has to learn by her mistakes at this age so all you can do is lay the facts on the line.

LazyLohan Fri 14-Aug-15 08:53:53

I think you can tell her that you're not going to top her up, but that's it. It's up to her what she does.

I'm trying to say this nicely, but I think you might have brought some of this behaviour on yourself. It doesn't seem to go much farther beyond standard teenage rebellion and probably isn't that much to worry about.

But you seem not to have noticed she's grown up. You still want her to do as she's told and conform to your standards. And she is quite naturally kicking against that. You need to let go a bit. 18 year olds drink and spend money on frivolous stuff, that's what they do.

It would probably be better for all of you if she did go and had some independence. She can probably get a cheap room in a shared house. Losing your part-time school job will have very little impact on being able to find another bar, shop or waitressing job. She doesn't even need to tell them she worked there.

You really do need to chill out and let go a bit, continuing like this will just make her worse.

Salmotrutta Fri 14-Aug-15 08:54:14

By the way,deferring is very much dependent on the course because some (e.g.medicine) will not normally allow deferral and you have to accept the place for the year it is offered.

Those courses that are undersubscribed may allow deferral.

LazyLohan Fri 14-Aug-15 08:55:37

Courses are really undersubscribed this year, even the best universities have places on good courses.

NormanLamont Fri 14-Aug-15 08:56:34

They wanted AAB and she got BDD. I thought this was a fair result considering she didn't crack a textbook open since Christmas. The uni have accepted her anyway!

What course is this?!

Don't hold her to ransom over the student finance. It will backfire. She's an adult. Let her get on with it. She'll need to pull her socks up to stay on the course. It will probably do her good.

Lj8893 Fri 14-Aug-15 08:56:52

If you are on a low income then she should receive the maximum, or close to, loan available which should easily cover her hall fees and spends if she budgets well.

I could have lived on my loan alone at university but I had a part time job as it meant I could afford luxuries to then.

wannabestressfree Fri 14-Aug-15 08:57:32

She will pick up another job- at that age it happens. I have had a fragile relationship with DS1 but the distance has helped build bridges and give much needed space. Can you view it like that?

StillStayingClassySanDiego Fri 14-Aug-15 08:58:12

So she was offered an unconditional then?

I'd let her go, get some space but you need to do some sums quick and see what amount of loan she's entitled to.

hackmum Fri 14-Aug-15 08:59:03

I'd let her go this year and let her stand on her own two feet. She can get part-time work if she needs it. Do you really want her hanging around at home for another year being bad-tempered and resentful because you've said she can't go to uni now?

I do understand about the financial side but my guess is there are plenty of part-time jobs students can do to top up. She doesn't have to tell anyone she was sacked.

StillStayingClassySanDiego Fri 14-Aug-15 08:59:36

* she needs to do her sums, not you.

RandomFriend Fri 14-Aug-15 09:00:36

I would also worry that with BDD (not to mention not having looked at a textbook all year) she would struggle with the study skills needs to succeed at university.

ComeTheRawPrawn Fri 14-Aug-15 09:00:38

Salmotrutta, I'm gobsmacked too, don't want to out myself completely but it's English at a redbrick, RG uni. I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't seen her ucas page myself. I thought English was highly competitive too.

BuggerLumps, I don't want her future screwed up, but I don't want my dh to slog his guts out on overtime after the way she's treated us, I want her to take a year out and sort herself out financially. She still owes us money from a loan we gave her months ago.

Alpaca, I don't think she'll get a job easily, she got sacked for having a 75% lateness record and a load of absences, all without even phoning in sick, her reference is going to be worthless!

Thanks for the advice, I suppose all I can do is go through a budget with her. She could phone the uni to see what halls are left and investigate flatshares, though I'd prefer her in halls for a year, not sure she's got the sense to manage monthly bills just now.

StillStayingClassySanDiego Fri 14-Aug-15 09:00:49

Part time jobs aren't always advisable if the course is hard work in itself.

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