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Iabu/ridiculous/pfb, aren't I?

(71 Posts)
Ohfourfoxache Thu 13-Aug-15 23:31:08

<deep breath>

Huge backstory but I'm going to be deliberately vague because I'm worried that the "historic" past is clouding my judgment. Please bear with me - this post is based on the last few months.

Ds is 5 months old.

We have relatives visiting on Saturday - I'm going to call them husband, wife (both 60's) and son (40s). These relatives have been asking us to have children and add to the family for 15 years now. Ds is our only DC and we were told that they were very excited that we were expecting and that they would have a child in the family.

Reality is that they don't bother visiting, even when they are in the area. The visit this weekend has been prompted by the son having an appointment in the area and other relatives posting pics of Ds on FB (I know blush) - they get insanely jealous if we see other people/relatives and this has been the source of much bad feeling over the years. We have tried extremely hard to maintain a relationship but in vain.

My issue is that wife and son insist that they watch ds's nappy being changed whenever they are around and the need arises. There is no offer of "oh we'll change his nappy", they just stand there gawping at him, neither use or ornament and just get in the way.

I don't have any child protection concerns per se, but it makes me very uncomfortable. I feel judged and a bit protective of Ds, even though he's only 5 months old ffs.

The wife is very manipulative and cries to get her own way (she once cried because I turned the centre light down in our own lounge as I had a headache - she doesn't like dark rooms hmm) So if I say something then WW3 will break out.

Sorry for the essay - please tell me iabu and to get a grip and it's only a fucking nappy change fgs and to stop being so precious thanks

EatShitDerek Thu 13-Aug-15 23:32:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dickyduckydido Thu 13-Aug-15 23:33:52

If you feel uncomfortable with the way someone behaves around your child, don't have them round your child.

CassieBearRawr Thu 13-Aug-15 23:34:56

So that's where you got your name from Derek!

Mermaidhair Thu 13-Aug-15 23:35:56

Can you do nappy changes in your bedroom? Or will they follow you?

TestingTestingWonTooFree Thu 13-Aug-15 23:36:25

YANBU. Trust your instincts. I'd leave the room to change him. If they try
to follow, I'd make a point of saying "there's no need to come with me, I'm only going to change his nappy, no one in their right mind wants to see that".

BitchPeas Thu 13-Aug-15 23:36:36

Life's too short for this shit. Call them up on it every single time. Don't be swayed by tears etc. You're letting them treat you like this, put your foot down!

Ohfourfoxache Thu 13-Aug-15 23:37:36

I've got no option - they have to be included in ds's life unfortunately. Nc isn't viable!

UrethraFranklin1 Thu 13-Aug-15 23:37:42

it is only a nappy, the question being wtf you are focusing on that of all things in the midst of all the crazy rest of it?

ShipShapeAhoy Thu 13-Aug-15 23:38:15

I sort of know what you mean. Dp's mum comes and sits right close whenever I change dd's nappy and I feel weird about it. Partly because I feel that she is judging my nappy changing technique! She doesn't specifically ask to sit and watch though - is that what your relatives do?

Floggingmolly Thu 13-Aug-15 23:39:36

Asking you to have children for 15 years... Why are you still in contact with these weirdos?

Ohfourfoxache Thu 13-Aug-15 23:40:33

Not only do they follow, but they will openly challenge me and state that "they want to" confused even if I say "why would you want to?"

God I sound so wet blush

It is a very, very unpleasant family dynamic. If I refused then eh would be really pissed off and accuse me of being deliberately difficult blush

Valsoldknickers Thu 13-Aug-15 23:41:15

Follow your instincts. I wouldn't like it tbh. Babies are entitled to a bit of privacy and dignity too. Even though you say you have no child protection concerns if they aren't helping they can stay away while you change him.

IMO YANBU.

PotteringAlong Thu 13-Aug-15 23:44:13

Then just change the nappy downstairs without going anywhere or just don't tell them you're changing it! Why do you need to mention it? Just do it.

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant Thu 13-Aug-15 23:45:01

I'll just take him up to his room and change him, then well be ready to...
Do us a favour and pop the kettle on, would you?

Or if they are standing that close, then get them involved!

Ds stinks. You change him while I pop the kettle on!

I think leaving the room is best. Go to the bathroom for hygiene reasons.

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable Thu 13-Aug-15 23:45:15

What will happen when your DS is old enough to object to their intrusiveness? Will he be required to pander too?

Why isn't your DH planning to intervene to keep them off your back? He should be planning your protection now.

Ohfourfoxache Thu 13-Aug-15 23:46:05

Yes they do Ship - it's always "I want to come and watch of course" hmm

grin Derek - trust you to make me smile!

Urethra this is the tip of the crazy shit iceberg - I try to let the rest wash over me.

FundamentalistQuaker Thu 13-Aug-15 23:47:23

Do they otherwise interact with the baby? If not, then I would be uneasy about this, actually. Why focus on this as the only thing of interest about the child?

The only way to protect your child's dignity or anything else is to have the mindset where every other consideration-convenience, social niceties, embarrassment, etc-is firmly secondary. Don't equivocate.

Decide whether you think this is problematic. If yes, then just refuse to entertain the weird observation. If no, let them watch and don't say anything. Frankly, with people this strange I'd be happy for them to fall out with me.

Floggingmolly Thu 13-Aug-15 23:50:25

Actually asking to come and watch; I'd be very creeped out by that. They sound like a couple of freaks.

Ohfourfoxache Thu 13-Aug-15 23:50:39

Pottering they tend to hold onto him constantly and I basically need to justify taking him back sad

Quaker wife sits there with Ds in her arms just cuddling and kissing him and saying "hello darling". Son interacts quite well. Husband sits in a corner looking bored and has to be "forced" to even look at him let alone hold him.

lizabeth0607 Thu 13-Aug-15 23:52:05

Just plain creepy imo

Koalafications Thu 13-Aug-15 23:52:38

confused confused

Why on earth would they want to watch a nappy change?!

That's the most bizarre thing I have read on MN in a long long time!

PiperChapstick Thu 13-Aug-15 23:53:53

OP they sound very odd and my advice would be - go with your gut instinct. If you feel uncomfortable it's for a good reason. Find an excuse for them to stay elsewhere ASAP!

catsofa Thu 13-Aug-15 23:54:18

Could you possibly keep changing kit in the bathroom and take DS there to change him, where you can lock the door? Would that help?

doubleshotespresso Thu 13-Aug-15 23:56:15

Family or not surely you can simply tell them it makes you uncomfortable and it is inappropriate?

Just say the job is dealt with best without an audience?

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