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To rub his nose in it?

(39 Posts)
WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant Thu 13-Aug-15 23:24:57

Not literally! Just metaphorically.

When we were with xp, money was alway tight. However, he could always afford a couple of hundred here for a new (not needed) bike, or another hundred for a new coat (the last 4 weren't warm enough...) but anything ds or I actually needed... No chance. Can't afford that!

Fast forward a few years. Xp is with a new victim partner, we are living off benefits, as I am still on unpaid maternity leave with toddler dd. we are financially "coping". We have a few days where dinner is beans on toast. But by being a bit careful, we have had a holiday and some good days out.

Xp has now drained both his mum's and his new GF's bank accounts, by being too lazy to get a job (or too stroppy to keep one...). Everything they do has to be carefully budgeted, aparently. They can't buy any food unless it comes from aldi. They don't have a car. She doesn't drive, and all the other road users are probably safer when xp is on his bike.

Xp has decided he wants to meet up and have a day out with ds. No problem (apart from ds not being keen). He has offered us petrol money and agreed to a more kid-friendly suggestion than the one he came up with.

Anyway, background done, we are meeting next week. WIBU to put dcs in their nice designer clothes? And let them have their expensive toys in the car?
Ds has a great pair of £157 jeans. They are smart and look really good on him (ok, they were £10, pre-loved in the charity shop!) along with a couple of branded t-shirts and hoodies. All just a few quid each.

Dd has a whole collection of pretty tops/dresses. Some gap/next/monsoon... All were too expensive when he was living with us. But they are all nearly new. From the same charity shop. Again, anything from 99p to about £3.

WIBU to make them look nice and smart, in nice clothes for their day out? Ds is desperate to use his Visa card in front of his dad. To buy himself a gift in the gift shop. Because he can...

Not so much along the lines of "look how we waste our money", but more along the lines of "yes, I am looking after dcs perfectly well while you have been bumming around for 3 years."

And no, they won't be wearing pretty white dresses, playing in the mud!

smink Thu 13-Aug-15 23:27:31

As long as the dcs aren't going to give the game away by saying they came from charity shop. Although I do wonder why you are going out for family day at all...or is it just the dcs?

PresidentTwonk Thu 13-Aug-15 23:30:48

I know it's petty but I would wink

gamerchick Thu 13-Aug-15 23:33:09

It doesn't work trust me. Their brains tick over to see what they can get out of you.. You may find him sniffing around more if he thinks you have money.

My ex still lives a parasitic lifestyle while me and his kids have a nice comfortable life now with my husband. My daughter hides her purse, my son makes sure he has no money on him to avoid the guilt trips and when he found out we had upgraded our xboxs it was a done deal in his head that we should give up one of the 360s to him because he didn't have one and we had spare.

It may backfire on you.

AuntyMag10 Thu 13-Aug-15 23:53:44

Don't get involved in all this game playing. It's not worth it.

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant Thu 13-Aug-15 23:57:18

It will be ds going off with xp and new GF.
Dd won't go off with them, as she doesn't know them. She has only met them 3 times in her little life.
But due to the 100 mile trip, I will be driving. So ( I think, out of decency?) they will pay for me and dd to get into the park too. We can walk round at toddler pace. Ds can spend a couple of hours being ignored by his dad and I will collect ds at tea time.

He has no reason to ask me or dcs for anything. He pays nothing for dcs.
This is the first time since October half term he has shown any interest in seeing them. And October was because we did him a favour...

decisionsdecisions123 Fri 14-Aug-15 00:01:19

yes why not but why is your son desperate to use his Visa card in front of his dad? Is it a gift card?

debbriana Fri 14-Aug-15 00:08:36

This made me laugh. Do it if it floats your boat.
Don't forget to update us please.

GiddyOnZackHunt Fri 14-Aug-15 00:16:49

Are you absolutely sure it can't backfire on you? Perhaps the expensive bargain jeans with a supermarket top to leave a question hanging would be subtler?

ReginaBlitz Fri 14-Aug-15 00:17:14

But surely you would send them in nice clothes for a day out anyway? Sounds like you are still bothered about him to even give a fuck about trying to get one over on him.

lotsoffunandgames Fri 14-Aug-15 00:25:11

I really wouldn't have bothered with anything like that. A bit petty and not important surely? I think it's a bit too much energy spent on the wrong things. I am pleased things are going well for you but it may not always be so and it doesn't seem right to rub someone else's nose in it like that and play games.

RealityCheque Fri 14-Aug-15 00:28:51

How old are you? Serious question.

Floggingmolly Fri 14-Aug-15 00:36:43

You're living on benefits, and your son wants to show off to his Dad by spending on his Visa card in the gift shop... hmm

PaulAnkaTheDog Fri 14-Aug-15 00:36:57

VISA CARD?!

PaulAnkaTheDog Fri 14-Aug-15 00:38:53

Also £157 jeans is pretty precise. Did you seriously check the rrp for them after you bought them for ds?

AlpacaMyBags Fri 14-Aug-15 00:50:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pilates Fri 14-Aug-15 01:01:58

I wouldn't.

Balanced12 Fri 14-Aug-15 07:37:34

You need to let go and move on, why are you even going? Let him come collect DS on the train and let them go out how old is DS ? Never send children with xp in clothes you care about imo, plus stop giving a shit about what his perceptions are of you. After years you should have moved forward, sorry but it doesn't sound healthy to me flowers

OstentatiousBreastfeeder Fri 14-Aug-15 07:54:39

Your kid has a credit card?!

Anyway. It's probably childish, but yeah I would too. Not so much the money thing really, but I would want to show him that I'm just fine without him and his financially abusive ways. I'd want him to know we'd landed on our feet despite his best efforts.

In a 'Look at us, we're thriving without you' kind of way.

whois Fri 14-Aug-15 07:57:40

Visa debit people, it will be a visa debt.

redfairy Fri 14-Aug-15 08:02:50

YABU . I can understand wanting to show off a happy and healthy relationship with your new DP but to want to show off £157 jeans is very superficial isn't it? It's just stuff and let's face it they really not £157 jeans ; they are charity shop jeans for a fiver or whatever you paid (absolutely nothing wrong with that BTW)
I am more concerned that your son wants to show off using his 'visa' card in front of his dad. I hope you're not passing on your pre-occupation with one upmanship onto your children especially in regard to their father as that really wouldn't be the right thing to do.

LazyLouLou Fri 14-Aug-15 08:29:21

One upmanship smile

If you think you'll get a smile out of it and your kids won't think beyond getting dressed nicely to see daddy, go for it.

And I am not surprised your DS is excited about showing dad 'what a big boy he is'. My nephew is 23 and got a big kick out of paying for our meal out on his credit card. It is exciting the first few times, with new people to relive that excitement.

But just once. Then you will have shown him that oft MN suggested revenge in action: you are living well and happily smile

3CheekyLittleMonkeys Fri 14-Aug-15 09:22:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Finola1step Fri 14-Aug-15 09:32:24

Your ds sounds old enough to choose his own clothes.

I know its very tempting but, I wouldn't play games like this. You will feel pretty crappy afterwards.

By all means send your dc in nice clothes as it is a day out. Be content in the knowledge that you are able to provide for your dc on all levels, not just financially. Enjoy the time with your DD.

decisionsdecisions123 Fri 14-Aug-15 13:36:01

I did wonder if the dad will realise they are uber expensive jeans. I'm not sure I would. I remember a friend once had a big louis vuitton bag and as she came to me I thought to myself, goodness, what an ugly tatty old bag. i genuinely thought it was from a market stall and had seen better days. Someone later asked her if it was 'real' and I said 'real what?' I then found out that it was a designer bag that had costs hundreds of pounds a few years back.

Whatever you do, don't put any of your thoughts into your sons head!

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