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To think shouting and swearing during an argument...

(27 Posts)
LunaSonny Thu 13-Aug-15 15:48:42

Is unnacceptable, shows poor communication skills, and above all is so disrespectful?!!
Everytime DP and I have a disagreement he ends up shouting and calls me all sorts of names. Nothing I can say to him can make understand him hurtful I find it. He says I 'push him to it' because I 'don't know when to stop', almost as though I deserve this kind of treatment and the problem lies with me. Its not like I purposely try and push his buttons until he flies into a rage.
He always says sorry (eventually,begrudgingly) and says he didnt mean what he said but AIBU to think you dont have to resort to anger and insults to make your self heard or try and 'win' an argument??

GGabcd Thu 13-Aug-15 15:52:14

It depends. Are you actually listening to him? Because I start shouting when my husband starts talking over me. It's the only way to get him to actually shut up and listen.

So are you sure he's out of control and not that he's just trying to be heard?

WorraLiberty Thu 13-Aug-15 15:52:55

I don't think there's ever any excuse for name calling and insults.

WRT shouting, it's unpleasant but I don't know anyone who has never at any point in their lives, shouted during an argument.

Always best to argue your point without raising your voice, but virtually impossible for some people with a more fiery temper.

And also, don't let him blame you for his actions. He's an adult and if he can't contain his temper, he needs to walk away until he calms down.

You need to give each other space when it reaches that point I think.

BleachEverything Thu 13-Aug-15 15:53:21

Do you push him to it?

TheHouseOnBellSt Thu 13-Aug-15 15:54:04

No YANBU. GGabcd you';re wrong you know. If someone shouts over you, you don't shout and name call back. You leave the room.

GGabcd Thu 13-Aug-15 15:55:20

Oh okay. Sorry. I bow to your expertise. hmm

YouGetNOTHING Thu 13-Aug-15 15:58:32

This happens to me but I am your DH. Having an argument is very frustrating because he cross questions me very quickly, picking on the very fine detail of what I said often not central to the argument and totally derails me. I get very flustered, can't explain myself have a ball of frustration in my chest that either bursts out through crying or screaming and sweating. Then conveniently for DH the focus can be what awful things I said rather than the original argument.

When your DH says that you don't let things go maybe he is completely at the end of his tether and has nowhere else to go with it. Do you actually listen to what he says before his starts shouting or do you talk over him?

I agree that swearing and screaming isn't ideal but has he tried everything else?

AuntyMag10 Thu 13-Aug-15 16:01:30

'You don't know when to stop'
Are you pushing him to this extent? It's hard to say whether you are being ur or not.

YouGetNOTHING Thu 13-Aug-15 16:02:48

To TheHouse what do you do when you have tried everything else, including not talking or leaving the room? What do you do when the other person follows you and keeps on at you? When anything you say will be criticised? When you have begged them to stop arguing?
Sometimes there is nowhere else to go.

Lweji Thu 13-Aug-15 16:07:10

The shouting itself might be to be heard. Still, there are better strategies, such as saying nothing and then repeating what was said initially. Easier said than done blush but possible. And something he should work on for your sake.
But the name calling, particularly if you find it hurtful, is not on at all.

Also agree that it's not on to blame you for how he behaves. It's his choice.

Unless there are other serious issues, this is one aspect that can be worked on, if necessary by couples counselling, to develop better ways of communicating, particularly during arguments.

When he starts shouting and name calling, could you calmly call him on it and ask him what he thinks that behaviour can achieve? Only engage on the actual argument when he can speak to you and not shout or call names.
I think it may be worth pointing out at some point that if he keeps like that you will lose the respect and love for him. There is a limit to what a person can take and forgive, so it's his choice if he wants to respect you or risk losing you.

ElderlyKoreanLady Thu 13-Aug-15 16:07:49

In the nicest possible way, do you try to argue him into a corner? You don't shout and name call but do you interrupt, fail to listen, fail to acknowledge his point of view even when it's valid?

I won't excuse name calling, but shouting is often a response to agressive but low-volume arguing styles.

YouGetNOTHING Thu 13-Aug-15 16:14:21

Agressive low volume arguing is my DH's style but he wont accept that it is aggressive because he isn't shouting.

I have called him terrible names because I am so angry that he will not listen or accept what I have to say.

They don't come out of the blue. It is me saying them and therefore my responsibility but i have to have cast iron willpower not to.

scallopsrgreat Thu 13-Aug-15 16:17:16

YANBU - swearing at you and name calling is unacceptable and disrespectful.

Your H is also being disrespectful of you GGabcd. And I disagree with TheHouse for the very good reasons YouGetNothing stated.

Sodder Thu 13-Aug-15 16:22:29

I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship OP but I'm a shouter and a swearer. I don't call my husband names but we don't always sit down and discuss problems in a quiet voice. I'm a passionate woman. I'd go barmy if I couldn't vent my frustration LOUDLY. I respect my husband enormously but I love a good swear and a shout and so does he. It doesn't happen often and we apologise afterwards. I'd hate, and I do mean hate to be with someone who couldn't stand toe to toe with me.

What do you argue about? How often are you arguing? What names does he call you? - relevant questions, I think.

PandaMummyofOne Thu 13-Aug-15 16:34:31

You're right it's not necessary, but quite rolls of the tongue like "shut the f**k up you stupid t**t" wink

I wouldn't normally star this out, but out of respect for you OP and your dislike of swearing, I have.

LunaSonny Thu 13-Aug-15 16:34:44

Don't get me wrong, Im not a timid woman by a long shot, I can hold my own very well indeed. But to me shouting and hurling insults means you've lost control, which to me is a sign of weakness.
When I argue/vent frustration I don't do it in a way that is meant to belittle or upset, I like to get my point across, let him know I'm not happy, seek a resolution, and move on. But this is often impossible due to the fact his temper goes from 0 to 100 in about 5secs flat. I usually end up in tears and everytime I explain to him it makes me feel disrespected and unloved, everytime he says he wont do it again, yet everytime he does. At the end of my tether after the most recent incident. He says things like 'Fuck off you prick' 'Go to hell' sad

LunaSonny Thu 13-Aug-15 16:38:55

Panda, its not that I dislike swearing, I dislike being sworn at.

ElderlyKoreanLady Thu 13-Aug-15 16:39:40

But are you allowing him to do the same OP? Because if you're not, that may well lead to him thinking the only way you're going to listen is to shout.

marmitemofo Thu 13-Aug-15 16:40:22

YANBU. never acceptable to call names. shouting is understandable- not nice, but does happen in an argument when frustration gets the better of you. but calling names i.e. being personal crosses a line and is abusive. also massive red flag for me is him saying 'you push him to it' and 'you don't know when to stop'. that is classic abuser mentality - pin the blame on the victim and don't take responsibility for your actions. someone losing their temper/swearing/being aggressive has not been 'pushed to it'. they could always walk away to calm down if the argument is escalating but they choose instead to get personal and aggressive and abusive. there are other ways to deal with someone rather than go for the jugular and shout and swear.

yougetnothing, I don't agree at all that sometimes the only thing you can do is resort to swearing/shouting. leaving the room doesn't work? leave the house. go out for an hour, try to calm down. if someone is being that unreasonable to you, there's no need to resort to their level by screaming/shouting/swearing/being abusive.

ceres Thu 13-Aug-15 16:42:49

I shout and swear as does dh if we have an argument (which tbh is rare enough). I come from a family of shouters. To me it is normal!

cailindana Thu 13-Aug-15 16:43:53

IMO name calling slowly and surely kills a relationship. It's childish behaviour designed to hurt and shut the other person down. I've called my DH names in frustration but I've always regretted it and apologised. I haven't done it for a long time. He's never once, in 14 years, ever said a single negative thing about me (not to my face anyway!).

If your DP won't communicate with you and just resorts to shouting if you try to discuss things with him then the relationship is doomed Luna.

ceres Thu 13-Aug-15 16:44:58

Meant to add - we don't name call or blame the other person as you say your husband does.

LunaSonny Thu 13-Aug-15 16:48:11

marmite The way I see it, the way I have tried to explain to him, is you wouldnt shout and swear at a colleaugue or client at work, so why is it ok to swear at your DP, who youre meant to prioritise and love above everyone else. We have young DCs and I dont want them to grow upthinking this is normal behaviour.

LunaSonny Thu 13-Aug-15 16:52:18

Ironically enough, the most recent argument was because I said I had had enough of him being so bad tempered!

DressingGownFrown Thu 13-Aug-15 16:59:03

I think it depends on the relationship.
Some couples are the 'blazing row' type and that is just how their relationship works.
DP and I haven't ever really sworn in an argument (in a name calling way), but then we don't have shouting matches, we are both more the simmering, cold shoulder types. But that never lasts long either, we've only been together 3 years though, plenty of time to change!

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