To not tell DH I've contacted his nc dd?

(65 Posts)
LittleLionMansMummy Thu 13-Aug-15 15:06:01

She's 18 and went nc 4 years ago. Long story involving a degree of active and passive parental alienation on her mum's part.

Dh has continued to send cards at Christmas, birthdays and for exam results etc letting her know he's there if she ever wants to get back in contact. It's been hard and we both experienced something very similar to bereavement until we made a conscious decision to move on in the knowledge she never replied to any communication from him and refused to meet up with him. So, although he still sends cards to her, he no longer expects anything back - this avoiding huge disappointment and grief again.

Today she went a round Robin to say she's done well in her A levels. She probably had no intention of telling DH but his number was still in her phone. He was excited at first because he thought she'd contacted him specifically to let him know. He was crest fallen when he realised it went to everyone. He's told me that he believes when she moves away to uni he's lost her completely. Anyway, he replied to her text to say he was proud and still here etc but no reply.

Her text also came through to me so I replied and congratulated her, said we both know she'll do well at uni and beyond. I asked if she'd consider meeting up with dh before she leaves. I explained that although she feels she's moved on in life, it's impossible for a parent to forget a child. I said if she felt she couldn't meet up, would it hurt to send him an occasional text just to let him know she's ok. So far nothing back, although I don't think I expected anything (she is more receptive to me and we always used to get on well prior to her going nc).

Anyway, I don't think I can reopen old wounds by telling dh that I've asked the question and that she's bit replied/ not willing to meet up. Clearly I'd let him know if she replies positively, but I don't want to hurt him more than he is already. I just thought it was worth another try as she might listen to me. AIBU not telling him?

Fabellini Thu 13-Aug-15 15:07:58

I wouldn't tell if I was you. It wouldn't achieve anything, and would just hurt your dh.

QuiteLikely5 Thu 13-Aug-15 15:09:47

I wouldn't tell him either.

What was the reason for NC? If you explain that maybe someone can help to reinstate the relationship??

It's always good to get s different perspective on things

GloGirl Thu 13-Aug-15 15:11:29

I wouldn't say anything either but it sounds like a lovely thing to say. I hope it works flowers

GoooRooo Thu 13-Aug-15 15:12:23

I wouldn't tell him.

When me and DH were getting married I wrote to his father and said that DH would like more than anything in the world for him to be at the wedding and that I would like the opportunity for my parents to meet him etc. He never replied to that, or to the wedding invitation in general. I never told DH.

Then his step mother told him and said that she was upset that FIL wouldn't go and didn't want her to go either and that he hadn't bothered to reply to me.

DH was DEVASTATED that he had been appealed to directly to go and he had ignored me completely. I had never meant for him to find out unless the outcome had been a happy one and was so cross with SMIL. If she hadn't said anything he would have been none the wiser and no harm done (except that I then knew what an utter cock FIL was).

Duckdeamon Thu 13-Aug-15 15:14:33

Don't think it was a good idea for you to raise the impact of her decision to be nc with her father on a day when she'd had big news and was celebrating.

If you don't tell him and he later finds out, he might be annoyed.

SaucyJack Thu 13-Aug-15 15:16:52

I think you should say that you'd received the round Robin, and that you've sent her a text back. If he wants the details he can ask for them then.

MuddhaOfSuburbia Thu 13-Aug-15 15:20:20

I wouldn't tell him- not yet

remember as well she'll probably need some time to chew it over, so don't write her off as not responding quite yet- it's a busy day for her

lunar1 Thu 13-Aug-15 15:21:00

Nice dose of emotional manipulation you've dumped on her there. Keep out of it.

LittleLionMansMummy Thu 13-Aug-15 15:22:12

We've tried everything QuiteLikely including asking her mum for help - all to no avail.

When dsd was 14 dh pulled her up on something (basically he told her he thought she had been quite ungrateful in her reaction to a present someone had brought her). It sounds so bizarre (and is) when I write it down because it really was seemingly over nothing and until then we'd had a good relationship with her, no arguments etc.

However, dh and his ex had quite an acrimonious relationship (much improved these days) when they split when dsd was about 5/6 which had resulted in dsd being exposed to a lot of arguments between them and I guess ultimately she was just never as close to dh as we thought and therefore found it easier to go nc than deal with complicated emotions (her mum played on this and often made her feel guilty for having a good time with us, told her the content of discussions/ arguments that should have been kept between adults etc).

So although it was sparked by one argument, there is a complicated psychological and emotional history that children of divorced parents are often subjected to. We have literally tried everything - the damage is done and she's apparently made her decision that her life is fat easier without dh in it sad

MuddhaOfSuburbia Thu 13-Aug-15 15:24:38

...also if she's still got your numbers on her phone, and texted you both, she's not completely NC and on some level obviously wants you both to know

mindyourown15 Thu 13-Aug-15 15:26:33

so you accuse the mother of parental alienation? That isn't going to ingratiate you with the daughter is it?

QuiteLikely5 Thu 13-Aug-15 15:30:32

Mothers do manipulate there children into disregarding the other parent. They do it to hurt the father and gain satisfaction from it when really all they are doing is damaging their child.

If the situation is as you describe and your do has persisted in trying to be a parent to her then it's highly possible she will realise this in her own time.

Please do not respond to inflammatory posters.

LetBartletBeBartlet Thu 13-Aug-15 15:33:45

I've been the 'child' in this situation, and it really only served to make things worse as 'stepmother' was not in full possession of the facts (only his version), and I did not appreciate the attempt at emotional manipulation.

You should tell your DH IMO.

LittleLionMansMummy Thu 13-Aug-15 15:35:32

Thanks QuiteLikely. As I said things are much improved and I think even her mum acknowledges that her approach has been damaging, as she's approaching things much more positively with dsd2 who is almost 16 and has a very full and active part in our lives, aided by her mum.

GoogleBoggle Thu 13-Aug-15 15:35:37

I don't think she included you both in the text by accident. Even with a round robin you have to actually select the people you are sending it to. I think what happened today WAS her reaching out and now you've kind of overblown it a bit tbh.

But I think that your intentions were kind. Don't tell DH. A friend of mine reached out to his birth mother once and was cruelly rejected. Years later his daughters reached out to his birth siblings but didn't tell him they had done so in case they also rejected him. They only told him when they got a positive response from the siblings. I think this was a very kind thing to do. Hopefully you'll be in the same situation too.

MuddhaOfSuburbia Thu 13-Aug-15 16:16:24

yep

what Goggle said

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Thu 13-Aug-15 16:54:07

I can understand why you did what you did but I think you were out of order tbh as you knew it was a round robin text as did your husband and you can't pretend otherwise.

When people 'go no contact' nobody on MN tells them that they are wrong to do so. What you've done is essentially that. You've taken an adult's decision and knowingly put them in a position they didn't intend, nor would want to be in. You've also put your husband in this position. If I were him I would be furious. Think about it from his side of things for a bit and vow not to meddle again.

AbbeyBartlet Thu 13-Aug-15 16:59:07

Like LetBartlet (nice name by the way!!) I have also been in a similar situation as the child and I can tell you that, whilst you meant it to be positive, you were completely out of order. "would it hurt to keep in touch..." honestly? My situation is slightly more complicated but my bio father's wife said something almost exactly the same to me.

I can't believe you have done this today of all days.

Please leave the poor girl alone and let her decide if/when she wants to have any contact with either of you.

MammaTJ Thu 13-Aug-15 17:37:24

If say, my auntie, the only member of my fathers family asked me whether it would hurt to stay in touch the short answer would be 'Yes. That's why I went NC'. The long answer night not be so polite!

LittleLionMansMummy Thu 13-Aug-15 17:38:35

The difference is that most people choose to go nc because they've been wronged in some way. We've never done anything wrong - never hit, shouted, hurt, abused her in any way, shape or form. We have never been anything other than supportive. So to be told to 'leave the poor girl alone' does sting a bit tbh. If my own child went nc I'd keep trying till the day I died.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Thu 13-Aug-15 17:41:32

You must stop trying to build bridges and leave this girl alone. This isn't really anything to do with you and you can only do damage by going behind your husband's back/carrying on trying to contact his daughter. It's her decision to be no contact and her father texted to say 'congrats' and that he was always there. It's not for you to decide the criteria of 'going NC' have been met or not, sorry.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Thu 13-Aug-15 17:43:08

I have a friend whose husband has no contact with one of his grown up daughters. He'd like to but she won't. She didn't even tell him. He's a very nice man and I don't understand it but it is what it is - her decision. There are reasons for it that nobody but her knows and that's the way it will stay because she will not talk about it.

LittleLionMansMummy Thu 13-Aug-15 17:47:44

I've tried once, Lying. Once in 4 years. Because my husband is worried that when she moves away he'll never see her again. And it has everything to do with me, given that it had cast a shadow over all our lives for 4 years (and I include my other dsd in that).

Liquoricetwirl Thu 13-Aug-15 17:48:08

little I think you did the right thing, although on mn dsm always seem to have to tiptoe around and aren't allowed to 'interfere'. I'm sure you have as many 'facts' as you need to try and get her to reconsider.

It may not have worked this time, but it might next time. Keep trying. When she grows up she will realise her df has always tried to stay in touch and surely that will mean something.

In answer to your op, no dh doesnt need to know he's been rejected again, whatever the backstory.

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