Mum buying me stuff- AIBU?

[KinkyAfro]

Mum buys me random things which she thinks I'll like when she's out shopping and leaves them at my house when I'm at work. All very nice but I'll also receive a text saying "I bought you XXXXXX and left it at yours, you owe me XXXXX". It's annoying me a bit now as I don't ask for these things and I'm pretty skint at the moment so could do without a tenner here, a fiver there.

I'm about to send her a text asking her to please not send buy me anything else unless I ask her and give her the money prior to buying it. I know she'll get upset as she thinks she's doing a nice thing. How do I word it to cause the least upset

[FrancesOldhamKelseyRIP]

Hi Mum

Just to let you know that we've had some extra expenses lately so I'm on a really tight budget, and watching every penny. I know you sometimes helpfully buy stuff on my behalf, but could you please not do that for the time being, because absolutely everything I buy needs to be planned at the mo?

Thanks
Lots of Love
Kinky xxxx

(Or phone her and pass the same message on in the course of a general chat - prob better than text)

[TheOriginalWinkly]

She's not doing a nice thing. Dear Mum, stop buying things that I don't need and can't afford. I didn't ask for them and won't be giving you any money. Kinky.

[softhedgehog]

Thanks but I don't need xxx and can't really afford it - will leave it where you put it so you can collect it and get your money back

[Finola1step]

Just simply text "Hi Mum, can you do me a favour please? I'm really skint right now and will be for the foreseeable future (what with Christmas and birthdays!). So I don't have any money for extras. If you think I would like something when you are out shopping, please don't buy it for me as I wont be able to pay you back".

Something like this. Make it clear you can not pay her the money and that will not change in the near future. If she continues, don't accept it and tell her to take it back.

[seaoflove]

Dear Mum

Stop buying me things I don't even want and expecting me to pay you back for them.

WTF?

Kinky

[scarlets]

A text/convo like that ^^ would be great. Thereafter, if she does it again, say "no thanks" and ask her to return it. Do not hand over any more money.

[formerbabe]

I was all ready to come on here and say yabu until I read that you have to give her the money for them!! Yes of course tell her and if she does it again, refuse to give her the money and tell her she must return it.

[KinkyAfro]

The things she buys me have come in very useful or I really like them but I think are a bit frivolous i.e. last week it was some lovely garden lanterns for £15 and today a motion sensor light for £10. Might not seem a lot but when you're watching the pennies, £25 is a lot over 2 weeks and it might not stop there.

I think I'll go with a combo of Francis & Finola's messages

[scatterthenuns]

I'd be livid if I was you? Why have you been paying her? She can't buy you a 'gift' then demand cash when she's got no idea what your finances are like.

[scatterthenuns]

Let us know how she responds OP!

[LurkingHusband]

leaves them at my house when I'm at work

Take her key away. From experience, people coming to your house without prior agreement is a clear boundary violation.

[SpaceAdmiralRodcocker]

You owe her jack shit you never asked her to buy it!

[RebootYourEngine]

Just be blunt & straight to the point.

What she is doing is not a nice thing. Buying something & texting to say 'i have bought you xxx and i have left it in xx place' is being nice.

Buying you something you didnt want, ask for or need and then demanding money for it seems a little controlling.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"I'll also receive a text saying "I bought you XXXXXX and left it at yours, you owe me XXXXX"."

"I know she'll get upset as she thinks she's doing a nice thing."

No, she does not think she's doing a nice thing. Buying you something as a present (i.e. not demanding payment) would be a nice thing, but that is not what she is doing. She is deciding how you will spend your money. Controlling, much? Do you even like any of this random stuff? Have you ever raised this with her before, face-to-face? Surely she's aware that you're "pretty skint at the moment" ? It's really thoughtless (at best) to demand money from someone who's skint. Does she use that actual phrase,'you owe me'?

How about

'Mum, could you stop spending money I don't have please? I've left XXXXX in the living room so you can take it back for a refund.

But really it sounds as if you need to ha a CONVERSATION about this.

[Finola1step]

Oh and just a thought... So she's gets to do the nice bit if shopping (browsing, choosing nice things) while you get the bad (paying). Hmm

[KinkyAfro]

I just text her

"Mum, it's lovely that you buy me things that you'll think I like and I do appreciate it but as you know we're skint at the moment because we're saving for the house and spending money for holidays. Could really do without any extra expense at the moment so could you please not buy me anything else for the time being, Kinky xx

Thoughts?

[BoskyCat]

I reckon she just loves to shop and does this so she can indulge that withnout the cost. But it's completely out of order.

Firstly stop paying. You can ask her not to do it, but you can't force her - however you can refuse to pay. There's absolutely no reason why you should pay for something you didn't make the decision to buy. I'd hate that, because it's taking decisions away from you which is horrible. After all if you pay for thing X you didn't even choose, that means it's harder for you to use your own money to make your own choices.

"Dear Mum, I really don't like it when you buy stuff I didn't ask for then ask for money. I'd really like you to stop."

Then if she ever does it again, don't pay. "Sorry but I didn't ask for this. Please return it."

[gamerchick]

Just give her them back and ask her to return them for a refund. She'll soon stop when she has to go through the palava of returning stuff.

Or just tell her if she buys you stuff you won't be giving her the money for them as youre skint.

There are a million ways to put a stop to it.

[SurlyValentine]

What WhereYouLeftIt said. Your mum is spending your money for you, and you're letting her. If she wanted to buy you things as gifts that's all great and lovely, but the fact she is asking you for the money is out of order.

This may be way off the mark, and I apologise if it is, but does your mum have some sort of shopping addiction that she can no longer afford to fund herself? This way, she's still getting the thrill of shopping and purchasing "stuff", while knowing that she isn't paying for it.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"it's lovely that you buy me things"

But she doesn't buy you things! That would be a present! She spends your money, without your permission. She physically comes into your house when you're not there, and metaphorically rifles your purse.

[Inertia]

She's not buying them tough, is she? You're buying things you didn't even choose.

You have been far too reasonable and diplomatic in the past- and you don't need to justify how you account for your own money.

You've asked her to stop- as others have said , you need to start telling her to return the stuff she's bought and get a refund.

Does she need a key to your house?

[SurlyValentine]

Your text is fine, but I would have gone a bit stronger than "for the time being" - I'd have said "unless I ask you to". "For the time being" could mean a year, or in your mum's head it could mean "until payday".

I think you've definitely done the right thing in saying something though, even though it can't have been easy

[NaiceHamSandwich]

If a friend did this, how would you react? If you did this for your mum, how would she react?

It is not lovely that she is spending your money for you on things that you wouldn't necessarily buy, even if you do like them. Especially when you have told her you're skint. It's controlling, thoughtless, and actually a bit cruel to be putting you in that situation.

Does she not have her own money to spend and so likes to fulfill her shopping urges by buying you stuff you haven't asked for and then recouping the money?

[KinkyAfro]

My mum isn't controlling, I seriously think she does it without thinking. She's retired now and spends her time pottering around shops/garden centres etc. and she just see things which I might have said at an earlier time are nice or useful just in conversation. Don't get me wrong, I'm not on the breadline but I'd prefer to buy things that I need rather than things that I'd like so am prioritising at the moment. She is kind in other ways, she cooks my tea twice a week as my DP works away, although I provide the ingredients for one of the meals each week. She also looks after my dog Monday-Friday, which I insist on paying her for although she said she didn't want paying, that is why she has the house key.

We lost my dad recently and this is the first time in years that she's really had her own money, she felt like she had to justify every spend when dad was here so I don't know if that's a factor.

Anyway, she hasn't responded yet but I know she'll be a bit upset

[KinkyAfro]

Hi Surly no she doesn't have an addiction, and she's comfortably off