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AIBU?

Should my husband have told me immediately?

38 replies

Tootsiepops · 13/08/2015 07:22

My mum's doctors have found an unruptured brain aneurysm, and she's being referred to a neurologist.

We've had a very rough ride over the last few years with bereavements and health problems. I'm 25 weeks pregnant and my mum wanted to shield me from the latest news.

She told my husband about the aneurysm before me. I am pretty angry at him for not telling me as soon as he knew.

AIBU?

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sooperdooper · 13/08/2015 07:24

How long did it take him to tell you? Days, weeks, hours??

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ladymariner · 13/08/2015 07:25

Can totally see why you are angry, I would be too, but as an outsider looking in, I can also see why they didn't want to tell you, they clearly didn't want to worry you. Not easy for anyone.

and best wishes to your mum xx

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LIZS · 13/08/2015 07:26

It sounds as if they had the best of intentions but probably couldn't win. Presumably it is treatable ?

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ZenNudist · 13/08/2015 07:26

I'm sorry you are going through this but don't take your anger out on them. Just deal with the news, don't make a drama over how it was delivered. I get why you're lashing out but now is a time to pull together.

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paxtecum · 13/08/2015 07:30

Are you angry at your DM at all for telling DH rather than you first?

As others have said it's a time to pull together.

Your anger is misplaced.

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CognitiveIllusion · 13/08/2015 07:33

Agree with others - try to put this aside and see the bigger picture. I hope your mum is okay.

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Tootsiepops · 13/08/2015 07:36

My Mum told my husband yesterday afternoon, and then told me yesterday evening, so not a massive delay.

I can see that they were trying to protect me, and I am blown away that my mum was worrying about me in the face of not very pleasant news.

I don't really understand how my husband could have kept it from me though - he was so normal with me. I had no idea anything was wrong.

I just keep thinking that I'd never have been able to have hidden that sort of news from him had the situation been reversed and it was his mum who was unwell. It would have been written all over my face.

I just feel really unhappy that he didn't tell me even though I can see he (and my mum) were doing what they thought best.

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BertrandRussell · 13/08/2015 07:37

If she told him in confidence how could he tell you?

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LIZS · 13/08/2015 07:38

Did she perhaps want him primed so that he could support you when she told you?

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Jellyrain · 13/08/2015 07:39

My family do this, it comes from a good place - they didn't want to worry you and your husband was put in a difficult position so don't underestimate the burden he had to carry torn over how best to put your needs first.

The last thing you, dh and your mum need is animosity right now. Try and draw a line under it but explain to your mum that she needs to be upfront in future otherwise you will always be second guessing the truth about her health. Trust me- this is super stressful! Honesty going forwards and let her know it is easier for you to help her through this than to be kept on the dark.

My aunt has an aneurism and I can't recommend kings college hospital in London enough. I think of it as a birthmark on the brain, and great that your mums was detected before it ruptured, they can do all sorts to stabilise it. She's lived with it this long so take comfort in that. Speak to the consultant about warning signs- for my aunt it's ear pain and migraine- we take her straight in- and the earlier they acknowledge a bleed the less damage it does. Thinking of you, good luck with your pregnancy- you can't change your mums condition but you can help her feel in control by arming yourselves with an informed plan on preventative treatment and warning signs and how to deal with them. Xx

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Tootsiepops · 13/08/2015 07:42

Did she perhaps want him primed so that he could support you when she told you?

Yes - I think that's why she told him first.

I feel small and petty for letting this bother me so much, but I am really struggling to let it go.

I'm being very childish, aren't I?

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MadauntofA · 13/08/2015 07:43

If it was only a few hours and not days/ weeks then I think YABU, your mum probably wanted DH to be aware and able to support you. In the face of such big news, and knowing what you have been through, I can see why your DH wanted to be " normal" with you until it was time to tell you. Huge generalisation I know ( and not necessarily your DH) but men can be more practical rather than emotional than women and deal with news in a different way.

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Tootsiepops · 13/08/2015 07:44

Thank you so much Jellyrain - I can't tell you how helpful that was to hear.

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toomuchtooold · 13/08/2015 07:45

If you accet in principle that it was right for your DH to agree to his MIL's wish to keep a secret (and I do), then the only thing to be upset about is that he was so good at being stoic in the face of bad news. I think this is no bad thing - specially if this is your first child, as it's an indicator he'll be good at dealing with the endless nonsense that small children deal out on a daily basis!

Fingers crossed for your mum too, I hope it all gets sorted out.

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featherandblack · 13/08/2015 07:46

I wouldn't like this either because it's the way you treat a child, not an adult. Also there was a level of deception involved, albeit 'for your own good' (not words you should have to hear in your adult life).

Obviously they meant well and it's unreasonable to be harsh with them. But I don't think you'd be unreasonable to very pleasantly and firmly tell them that in future, you don't want to be told last and do want the news as it happens. They need to realise you are perfectly capable of taking care of yourself.

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AnyFucker · 13/08/2015 07:47

yes I think you are being childish

your mum must be terrified....this is one of those "this isn't about you" situations

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londonrach · 13/08/2015 07:47

Hugs op. Sounds like your mum told your husband (only the day before) so he was forewarned and able to support you. I wish my dm had told my dh before me about her cancer as i went to pieces after that phone call (I know it wasnt my cancer). Hugs to you and your family. Xxx

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wigglesrock · 13/08/2015 07:48

It's scary, your mum is unwell, you're a bit all over the place but yes you need to let it go and you are being unreasonable. Your mum has chosen to deal your husband about this for her own reasons, they're her reasons, she's the one who needs medical treatment. My Dad told me he had cancer before he told my sister or my mum - he needed to, he needed to have it straight in his own head. There was only a few hours in between him knowing and you. With the best will in the world this isn't about you - don't make it so. Hope all goes well with your mum.

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thehypocritesoaf · 13/08/2015 07:48

I have had this with dbro/dsis and it made me beyond furious!

Not your dhs fault tho.

to you op, sounds like a difficult time.

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Fugghetaboutit · 13/08/2015 07:49

Well, you know now so maybe concentrate on that rather than posting on aibu, as it sounds pretty serious. I hope she's ok.

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BathtimeFunkster · 13/08/2015 07:52

He kept the confidence of a close relative, his MIL.

I am blown away that my mum was worrying about me in the face of not very pleasant news.

Is this your first baby? :)

Honestly, that is not at all surprising. It's what mothers do - worry about their children and try to shield them from pain, especially when they are vulnerable.

I think you are replacing your fear and upset at the actual news with being cross with your husband over this.

He did the right thing, the honourable thing.

I'm so sorry about your mum

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Tootsiepops · 13/08/2015 07:54

My Mum is terrified. I'm terrified too. Over the last few years I've lost my 29 y/o younger brother, my Dad (sudden heart attack), and had an ectopic pregnancy. I couldn't cope if anything happened to my mum.

I've not said a word to my Mum about how she broke the news. It's not the time nor the place right now. If she comes through this ok, I will explain to her that it's ok to tell me anything and everything and that she needn't worry about protecting me.

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Tootsiepops · 13/08/2015 07:58

I just don't know why I'm so bloody angry with my husband.

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BertrandRussell · 13/08/2015 07:59

" will explain to her that it's ok to tell me anything and everything and that she needn't worry about protecting me."

But also remember to say that she doesn't actually have to tell you (or anyone else) anything- it's her choice who she tells what.

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LokiBear · 13/08/2015 08:11

Your husband did as your mum told him to- because she is ill and scared - in spite of what he might have thought he should do. It must have been horrible for him knowing what he knew and not telling you. The reason you are irrationally angry is that you are in shock, you are scared and upset and after all you have been though, this isn't fair. You are angry and the only direction you can funnel it is towards your husband because he kept you in the dark. He doesn't deserve it at all - he was stuck between a rock and a hard place. However, your feelings of anger are normal, natural and healthy. My advice would be to let it all out. Cry, scream, smash some plates and get it out of your system. Then let your husband give you a hug and fight this together. Good luck, I hope your mum makes a full and speedy recovery.