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My parents want nothing to do with DD 7 because we fell out...

(30 Posts)
confusedmummy15 Thu 13-Aug-15 01:37:17

Please bare with me so I can explain properly, this will be quite long winded though!

We moved away when I was pregnant with DD being 16 I had no choice but to go too.
Since moving I haven't had many friends, so don't have many people to talk to about this, except my husband and a few friends who are like family- who will all tell me that my parents are despicable people, but having never been in this situation can't really advise me.

So my family have treated me like an outsider since I met my partner about 5 years ago, all of a sudden I wasn't invited to family things, the phone wouldn't be answered. No one took any interest in our lives. But for the most part they kept in my daughter's life.

Ive always allowed them access to her, even when we haven't been on speaking terms.

So I decided I would get married this year, in January I started planning. I saw my mother at the end of Jan. After this she wouldn't answer her phone at all. I literally needed to go to her house to speak with her. She would just 've sat smoking but not answering the phone...
Which grated on me so much! There would be getvtogetgers I wouldn't be invited to. We would make plans, for her to tell me these plans were never made, or she forgot. Or that she had to go to work and got my stepdad to tell me she was going to work instead.
It got to the point where I turned up to the house and she didn't even say hello.

That afternoon I called my dad and asked him to tell her I needed to speak to her. She finally called back and said she didn't think I was staying and that's why she didn't say hello. She also told me that she was so busy which was why she hadn't called or text me back in over 5 months.

I told her I missed her and I wanted to see her, and would love her to get involved in helping me to plan the wedding, as its something I thought mothers and daughters did together. She then told me this is why no one wants anything to do with me. I guilt people into doing what I want.
this stems from my birthday when she said we would do anything I wanted, I said a spa day. I'd found a promotion at my health club and I would pay for us- she left itvtill the day before luv birthday to say she didn't want to go, how about we got my Nan and went for Costa instead and I said no and went to the spa as I'd paid for treatments

So anyway. She tells me I'm stuck up, and I need to go f mmyself. And I tell her that's fine, don't come to my wedding. And contact me when you want to treat me like I'm a member of your family.

The crest of my family decide not to come to my weddingm except one. Who turns up. Creates a shot storm and leaves halfway through.

The 3 weeks running up to the wedding my dad who's been arranging contact has been a bit funny, Lessig about with dates and times etc. So I say, how about the day after the wedding?

Yes he says. I've got the day off, I say great I'll drop her off with you at 3.
The day after the wedding I text and say were heading back. Meet you at 3? No reply. So I call, no reply. I go to where I should have met him. Not there.

So we wait for half an hour then go home.
I then saw him in town about 2 wks ago. He completely blanked us.
My daughter is distraught. She's in tears all the time cos she misses her g parents.
I don't really know what to say or do. Its obvious they want nothing to do with us which is fine because they are a pretty messed up family, but I don't know how to deal with the fact my DD is hurt.

The past year has been tough, she's just overcome bullying within the school setting. Now her grandparents have dissappeared on her.

I can't help but feel it's all my fault. Which I know distracts me. I just want her to be happy and feel secure.

kali110 Thu 13-Aug-15 01:47:48

I'd see this as a blessing in disguise. You don't need these people in yours or your dds lives.
They could just repeatedly breeeze in and out of her life and keep upsetting her.
Im sorry op i did not have the typical mother and daughter relationship growing up either. Only been last few years its been a sort of relationship.

CamelHump Thu 13-Aug-15 01:52:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

anonymousforever Thu 13-Aug-15 02:03:18

Horrible. You and DD deserve better.

Not the same, but my mum is dead and DS7 has wonderful relationship I've actiively encouraged with an elderly neighbour who misses her son's now they've flown the nest.

Actually, she's a bit of a substitute mum to me too...and I adored my mum sad

Really hope you are ok, also your poor little girl cakecake

FishWithABicycle Thu 13-Aug-15 04:32:55

See this as a blessing for your dd not to have such nasty people in her life. You don't have to rely on blood kin if your kin are like this.

Making new friends isn't easy but can be done. As a pp said, church can be a good way to find some nice older people who either don't have their own family or whose family live far away. Age UK operate a befriending scheme to put you in touch with someone in your area who will appreciate some intergenerational contact.

Rainbunny Thu 13-Aug-15 07:06:04

I'm so sorry for you OP. This situation obviously has a backstory, do your parents hate your DH or something? I think they will come to regret cutting you (and your dd) out of their lives at some point, not that you should just forgive and forget when that moment arrives. Am I correct in interpreting that your mother, step-father and father are all blanking you? That's awful, honestly I'd put all my energy into caring for my dh and dd and try to get used to a future without your awful parents in it.

Hedgehogsdontbite Thu 13-Aug-15 08:11:38

Why do they dislike your DH?

confusedmummy15 Thu 13-Aug-15 08:50:50

I don't get their problem. They have had their issues with him, but generally we've realised that they just dislike that he's around. They seem to like h a lot of the the. The better they got to know him the more he was known as good old Matt.
He really is a wonderful man, my parents really can't have too much reason to dislike him. He works hard for us, he is an amazing father to my daughter who isn't his. And he's so kind. He's gone out of his way to be helpful and kind as long as he's known any of us.

I do know that the issue they had at one point was that he worked (at the time no one in my family did)and that made him "stuck up"

dementedpixie Thu 13-Aug-15 08:54:51

Stop wasting your time and energy on them as they are not worth it.

Spadequeen Thu 13-Aug-15 08:56:07

You and your dd are so much better off without them. Be honest with your dd and tell her you don't know why they are like this, that it is their loss. Don't try and ignore it or give some excuses for them, she will blame herself. Tell her that they have behaved badly and that you won't put up with it, let her know it is them with the problem and leave them to it.

TheWernethWife Thu 13-Aug-15 09:02:49

"Fuck em" - just get on with your life without such toxic people in it.

Caprinihahahaha Thu 13-Aug-15 09:12:03

I had almost the same situation.
My in laws stopped speaking to us when my son was nearly 10
They wouldn't come and see him even though I made every effort to get them together. My father in law wrote a horrible letter to him after my son wrote asking if they could get together.

My son was upset for a while. Then he just asked me about it. I always told him that it wasn't him - granny and grandpa were just so upset with us that they kept away from all of us. I told him I was really sorry but it was granny and grandpas choice.

My son is 22 now. It puzzled him for a while but quite quickly he was sort of bewildered rather than upset. Then very quickly he just didn't care.

I promise you that children are very resilient. Make sure that your daughter understands that her grandparents are just making an odd choice and that they are cross with you and not her. Very very soon she honestly won't give a shit.

My in laws tried really really hard to see DS when he reached 17 and upwards. They still send him messages etc. he is incredibly polite but absolutely declines every offer to meet. I'm very proud of him.

confusedmummy15 Thu 13-Aug-15 09:14:32

Rainbunny- I wouldn't say its a case of them jatong him. They've been a not hot and cold with him, they dislike him then they love him.
But I'm not sure that's really their problem, as he works such long hours at times he wouldn't even be around when I could see my family a lot of the time, which is partly what has made things so hurtful.
He generally works 6 days a week if he can fit it inarrive home till 8ish.

Now the explaining gets fun, my mum divorced my dad and ended up marrying his brother. So my stepdad is my dads brother, so its always been a bit of a weird issue, cos it was always made to seem like i was being disloyal in having anything to do woth my dad- which didnt happen for years because he was an alcoholic that didn't live in this country. Last time I saw him I'd not spoken to him in a few weeks- just weren't that close, and my mum went and told him how I was with her I'm town, not him and she would always win.

Since then we've not spoken, which is a shame, and I miss him sorely, he wasn't any kind of father, and he didnt make up for it, but i could tell he loved me in his own way, and he had an excuse. As an alcoholic its tough,

But yes you are correct. Its a shame. Really is. I cant help but feel that trse slll something wrong with me. Why can't my family like me? I can't bring myself to believe its just how dysfunctional that they are.
O will concentrate on just us though, and when they decide that they want to be in our lives I will have to say no, they've upset my daughter and me so much h

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed Thu 13-Aug-15 09:21:26

They sound awful OP.

By contacting them you are still giving them power and satisfaction. You have the chance to have a wonderful life. Be prepared that if you stopc contacting them there could be a backlash and somehow the lack of contact will be blamed on you. I don't know how you explain it to DD. But I wouldn't be encouraging her having a relationship with people like that.

confusedmummy15 Thu 13-Aug-15 09:27:39

Wow there are so many kind, kind messages!
Thank you all,
I really felt like last night it was all a horrible mess I'd gotten us into. DD loves her grandparents and she really misses them, but it does really seem like everyone agrees this is them being arses and she doesn't need that.
We do have some people who we are quite close to from our church, who I'm sure would be really happy to step up and be like family to us..mbut the fact that our blood relatives couldn't do the same really has cut deep.

I also wanted to mention, that my husband's parents haven't had much of a look in until recently. Of course they saw us and I would take DD to see them at weekends, but since my parents have stopped seeing DD she has been able to spend more time with His parents, who love her dearly. She's been going to a holiday play scheme that my MIL runs, which has been great for her.

I really feel like all of your messages have reinforced that everything will be ok. That we don't need them.and its not just that I've managed to ruin a relationship my daughter holds very dear- somehow without meaning to.

Kintsugi Thu 13-Aug-15 09:40:52

I'm sorry - I havnt been able to work out how old your daughter is ?

Finola1step Thu 13-Aug-15 09:42:15

You can't reason with the unreasonable.

But I can offer a reason for your mother's behaviour - jealousy. Pure and simple. You have a DP who loves you, works hard for the family, treats your DD as his own. He sounds like a good, decent man. Your mother is jealous because what you have is what she never had.

A decent mother would be pleased for you and proud that you are making a good go of your life. But your mother's dysfunctional thinking reverses this and she just can't be happy for you. You doing well for yourself is seeing as getting above your station and hence a rejection of them. So they respond by rejecting you and yours. Her thinking and behaviour is wholly unreasonable and therefore she can not be reasoned with.

I would recommend a book called "The Emotionally Absent Mother" by Jasmin Lee Cori.

StayWithMe Thu 13-Aug-15 09:42:41

Oh sweetheart, I know it doesn't feel like it at the minute, but this really is a blessing in disguise. They sound horrendous and it was only a matter of time before they turned on your daughter. Can you imagine her sitting exams? They would be having digs about her thinking she was above her station, why did she want to bother doing that? She thinks she's too good for them, etc.

You're a threat to them because you've made something of yourself and by doing so they have to look at how dysfunctional their own lives are. Don't you realise, you weren't suppose to succeed? You got pregnant young so you were supposed to be an unemployed, single mother. How dare you prove them wrong? How dare you surpass their expectations of you and prove that you can succeed in life and show them up for failing?

I grew up in a family like this and it has left me scarred 47yrs later. Please enjoy your life with your wonderful little family. They're not worth your distress. flowers

Kintsugi Thu 13-Aug-15 09:44:02

Sorry ! its in the post title - DuH ! moment there

StayWithMe Thu 13-Aug-15 09:44:46

Bty I don't mean I'm judging single mother on benefits! I just mean OP has done fantastically well for herself.

PandaMummyofOne Thu 13-Aug-15 10:02:09

My GP's (DM side) cut my brother and me out of their lives when my younger cousin was born.

Then when family get togethers were planned, decided they wanted to play happy families. This constant push pull left us feeling like shit. So I went NC 10 years ago. Best thing I did. No more heartbreak, abuse, emotional blackmail. Nothing. DS has never met them and never will.

It's very, very hard at the beginning. But it was the best thing I could have done. I hope your daughter feels better soon and you realise you don't need that poison in your lives.

TheSkyAtNight Thu 13-Aug-15 10:02:46

You sound lovely, very compassionate and kind. These people sound anything but. I agree with other posters - my first thought was that they are jealous & can't stand your success and happiness. They have done you a favour by stopping contact. You are already finding that the space they leave in your life & your dd's is being filled by better - healthier - relationships.

TheAnswerIsYes Thu 13-Aug-15 10:11:11

They sound like loses and you and your daughter are better off without them in your lives. Make the most of your lovely in laws and focus more on your relationship with them.

differentnameforthis Thu 13-Aug-15 10:31:44

Sorry op, but in the nicest possible way....

What does your daughter miss? They sound bloody lousy grandparents & I am surprised they have been around enough for her to miss them.

That said, I am sorry you are both going through this, but I think you need to realise that they will never be the parents/grandparents you & your dc need them to be.

They sound toxic & I you need to decide if you need them in your life.

grabaspoon Thu 13-Aug-15 10:38:30

I was that granddaughter I had a great relationship with my grandparents and then when when there was a a family argument they wrote off my parents/me (age 6) - I walked past them at a shopping centre once and they ignored me, we were in a pub once and so we're they and they ignored us then too. I did miss them for a while but I soon got on with my life and other family members compensated etc. It'll be fine

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