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To expect to be able to keep all things finance private?

(49 Posts)
Jewels234 Thu 13-Aug-15 00:23:20

My PIL insist on knowing the price of everything that we have bought, from a holiday to an item of clothing. If I don't tell them they Google it and then give me their opinion (obviously that I spent too much).

Until recently my DH had some old bank statements still going to their house. Which they opened and read.

Now they 'won't let us' buy a house because they are convinced that the housing market in London will crash in 2020. We aren't asking them for money (or their opinion), but they will make it very very difficult to have a good relationship with them unless we accept their take on it.

I'm 31. My DH and I have very stable jobs with good salaries and enough in the bank to buy. I want to buy before I have children with him. If we wait until 2020 I'll be 36. I know it's still possible to have children then, but it's not what I want. They keep telling my DH that if we buy now then interest rates will go through the roof and we will lose our house. I know rates will rise, but we have plans and back ups for that situation.

I don't know where to go with this. My parents stay well out of my financial decisions and are nothing but supportive.

My DH's parents manipulate him by saying 'we gave up X, Y, Z for you and so you need to do this for us'. They are so emotionally manipulative that he struggles to know what the right thing to do is.

Tonight I said that if we don't buy until 2020, and don't start to try to have children until then, and then can't have children, then I can't see our relationship being able to survive. It felt like a terrible thing to say but I see it as an actual possibility at the moment.

WorraLiberty Thu 13-Aug-15 00:31:54

They are so emotionally manipulative that he struggles to know what the right thing to do is.

That's your problem right there - your DH.

You need to focus on him and his inability to realise that he's an adult now, and it's ok to think differently to his parents.

It doesn't sound as though it'll be easy, but it's what you need to do imo.

SamJohnsonsBoy Thu 13-Aug-15 02:46:04

Tell him it's time to grow a pair and stand up to his parents. He's a married man now and his first duty is to his DW.

StitchingMoss Thu 13-Aug-15 03:09:28

My MIL used to be like this with dh until I gave him an ultimatum that either we lived our lives together and made our own decisions or he ran to mummy every time.

Put your foot down now. Trust me, when kids arrive it gets much much worse.

TheHouseOnBellSt Thu 13-Aug-15 03:44:31

Yeah you need to get as tough with DH as he needs to get with his parents.

Now. So you tell DH "We are not listening to your parents...we don't need their advice."

And make an appointment with a good financial advisor. Tell DH he is to listen to the IMPARTIAL advice and not to his parents.

If he can't do it then you need to evaluate your relationship.

FishWithABicycle Thu 13-Aug-15 04:03:41

You can't change your IL's or inspire them to be nice people.
You and your DH can be independent adults who stand up for yourselves or you can let this emotional manipulation ruin your future together. It's entirely your choice but DH sounds like he's got a bit of growing up to do himself and it's probably best he does that before becoming a dad.

LondonZoo Thu 13-Aug-15 05:09:48

You know you can speak up. Their opinion is negatively impacting on you too. I am soooo glad that I cast myself as "Someone not to be Fucked With". My Husband's parents knew that I would politely but firmly disagree. So when they say 'there will be a crash in 2020' are they guaranteeing that to the extent that what you spend in rent between now and actually buying will be saved, how about asking them to indemnify you against them being wrong? And putting that indemnity in writing? They want you to put your own money where their mouth is and that isn't on. Just say "I disagree with you on that, and [dP] is far too polite and doesn't want to hurt your feelings by telling you that he disagrees too. It's our money and we have to make the best decision for us"

If they comment on purchases you have made, ask them directly not to. Tell them you find it rude and start using words like manipulative, intrusive and interfering. Your partner has grown up thinking their shit is normal - your job is to cheerfully not go along with that charade.

bp300 Thu 13-Aug-15 23:51:33

I believe they are correct about the housing market and giving you very good advice. Whether or not you chose to listen to their advice is up to yourself and your own decision, you are under no obligation to listen to them.

EmeraldKitten Fri 14-Aug-15 09:03:38

You also need to grow a pair.

Won't let you? Have you been present at conversations where this was talked about? Did you laugh and say of course you won't be waiting 5 years?

AllThatGlistens Fri 14-Aug-15 09:21:29


It's pretty simple really, you both need to man up. You to your DH and your DH to his parents.

Itsthevibe Fri 14-Aug-15 09:54:18

Crash in 2020? Do they know the month?

StillStayingClassySanDiego Fri 14-Aug-15 09:57:34

Get this sorted before you do decide to have children because this pair will continue to dominate and influence if your dh and you let them.

DH has to get through the FOG otherwise you'll be suffocated forever by them.

guzzlewump Fri 14-Aug-15 15:29:05

Sounds like if you did buy a house it could work in your favour - your pil would be pissed off with you so stay away.
It's win:win - you get a house and no nasty pil around grin

grapejuicerocks Fri 14-Aug-15 15:35:29

Make your own minds up. Their opinions are no better or worse than your own - unless it's actually their job.

Act like the adults you are.

SilentlyScreamingAgain Fri 14-Aug-15 15:42:58

You need to get your husband to sit down and explain that you’re not making an investment, you are buying a home. It doesn’t matter what you home will be worth in five years’ time because you don’t plan to sell it then, you plan to raise your future children there.

If you want to make some kind of compromise for his sake, agree to get a fixed rate mortgage, then get whatever kind of mortgage suits you best.

Happy house hunting.

orangesandmelons23 Fri 14-Aug-15 15:50:59

Agree with PP that your DH needs to tell his parents to fuck off.

My DM is a little bit like this although not in a manipulative way at all. She asks me the price of everything I buy and then proceeds to comment that everything has cost me too much.

We bought our house for £200K, which is an absolute steal in the very naice area we live in but she was convinced we'd paid too much despite assurances that it's amazing value and we can easily cover the mortgage.

Similarly, we are having a loft conversion which is costing us £12,000 all-in, which is a pretty middle-range quote for the area. Despite assurances that we had 9 quotes, we can easily afford it and it'll add more than that in value, she's convinced we're being ripped off.

What irritates me most is that the things she's convinced we're being ripped off with are all things that she's never had/done/bought/looked into herself so actually has no experience or clue.


And breathe...

jelliebelly Fri 14-Aug-15 16:00:56

Dh needs to stand up to his parents and you both need to stop discussing money or the cost of anything with them! None of their business.

Atenco Fri 14-Aug-15 16:23:27

You need to get your husband to sit down and explain that you’re not making an investment, you are buying a home. It doesn’t matter what you home will be worth in five years’ time because you don’t plan to sell it then, you plan to raise your future children there

Very sensible advice, especially as the way the world is going there probably will be all kinds of financial disasters in the future but you cannot suspend living until then. I sold my house in Dublin and moved abroad and within five years it was being sold for about 5 times the price I got for it. Then I spent years predicting the end of the Celtic Tiger, but it took a lot longer than I had expected. They say 2020, it could not happen until 2025 for example and then no chance of children for you

iliketea Fri 14-Aug-15 16:31:17

When they say "they won't let you" - what's it got to do with them? Are they providing a mortgage? Or a deposit? Nope - so how are they going to stop you?

Your DH needs to grow a pair and stop listening to his mummy and daddy about what they think he should do..

And what next? They "won't let you" have children? They "won't let you" choose what you spend your money on?

WalfordEast Fri 14-Aug-15 18:30:31

Im baffled as to why you still have contact. Where do you draw the line- when they are telling you what month to concieve? What birth you should have? Looking down on your parenting choices?

Jesus H Christ is all I can say.

Tooooooohot Fri 14-Aug-15 18:32:36

Your dh needs to grow a pair! Stop telling them everything and go ahead and get a mortgage, but a house and make sure your dh doesn't divulge the details.

chippednailvarnish Fri 14-Aug-15 18:33:02

Now they 'won't let us' buy a house

What are you? 13?

fabuLou Fri 14-Aug-15 18:34:19

Just do what you want op. Believe me they won't change and its up to dh to deal with them. My pil are tossers too.

AyeAmarok Fri 14-Aug-15 20:22:46

You need to get your husband to sit down and explain that you’re not making an investment, you are buying a home. It doesn’t matter what you home will be worth in five years’ time because you don’t plan to sell it then, you plan to raise your future children there

Great advice there.

eurochick Fri 14-Aug-15 20:33:10

They are right that interest rates will rise. From where they are they can only go one way. But you say you have considered such contingencies (as one would expect a sensible adult to do).

Ignore, persuade your husband that he needs not to engage with them and crack on with your life. And don't tell them about things you are planning. After you have bought a house or paid for a holiday they can carp from the sidelines but that's the limit of it.

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