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To be annoyed with MIL

(30 Posts)
Hay135 Wed 12-Aug-15 13:49:38

My DH has been away with friends for a few weekends over the past few years and is regularly away on business meetings Etc. When he is away my MIL leaves to me to look after the kids. Which I am happy with. I don't new her interfering which she tends to do id she comes round.
Last year I went to visit a friend who had moved away and DH looked after my 2 DD. Seems very simple except when I phone to say hello (check on them)they where out with my MIL who knew I was away and arranged to help DH with the girls and no one mentioned it to meconfused. I wasn't best pleased at the time as I had spoken to the girls and they were excited to be having a Daddy weekend as they called it. I was away and didn't make to much of a fuss but was a bit annoyed.
Now I have been invited to go away on a girly weekend (never do a girls holiday so I was excited). I was asking about the place we may be goingsmile an MIL overheard an said if your going away then we (MIL and FIL) will take the girls to on a little holiday while your away.
firstly she know I don't want her the girls away I prefer them to be with a parent they are are 3 and 7 and although they will probably be fine her parenting is very different to mine and I would worry. Were as I trust DH to look after them in the same way we do while I am there so wouldn't worry as much smile)
I wonder if she thinks that her son isn't able to look after them (he is a really good dad but not a great cook but I'm sure noodles and McDonald's for a weekend won't kill them).
I am now thinking maybe I shouldn't go because I will get really stressed.
AIBU to think she is interfering as should just let my DH look after his DD?

CSIJanner Wed 12-Aug-15 13:55:17

I have children of a similar age and age gap. Whilst I'm not doing backflips over the difference in parenting styles of my MIL to ourselves, I can see how mine would treat it like a treat and a great adventure.

However saying that, I would be taking to my husband about how my children were looking forward to having him to just them and him. I would also follow it up with the jolly suggestion of maybe MIL could take the children away on a weekend where DH & I were both at home for a lie in and a weekend filled with non-children activities. just a thought...

BarbarianMum Wed 12-Aug-15 14:00:31

I think YABU

Maybe she likes spending time w her son and kids without you around? Maybe your dh likes spending time with her, or likes her spending time with the kids?

Why are you annoyed with her, not him? On the one hand you say that you don't want her help yourself, then you seem resentful that your dh does (or at least doesn't mind it).

Happy36 Wed 12-Aug-15 14:09:00

Good idea from CSIJanner - they can take the girls to give you and your husband a night or weekend at home together another time.

Penfold007 Wed 12-Aug-15 14:21:25

What does your DH want to happen? I think you are being a bit U, yes she parents differently but as you say not badly.

SaucyJack Wed 12-Aug-15 14:24:04

YANBU. She's infantilising your DH, and depriving your DC of spending quality time with their father.

However, as ever, it's up to him to man up and say no to her.

Hay135 Wed 12-Aug-15 14:27:58

My MIL looks after my DD while I go to work and have them overnight occasional (so we do get chance to go out with friends have time to ourselves). I am ok with that when it's just a day or a night but it's the long weekend that bothers me. Especially when I can't get to them quickly if something happens.
She sees the child without me and that's fine. I'm not precious on being there 24/7. She doesn't want to see her son though as he wasn't invited on the weekend away she wanted to take the girls on. He was going to stay home on his own ( I doubt he would mind).
I guess that's the issue why does she want to take the kids off there dad while I am away. I do think maybe she thinks he can't cope! I enjoy it (mostly) when he is away and we have girly time. I think he would enjoy quality time with the girls while I am away and she is taking that away and I am left looking unreasonable because I want then to stay with dad not go on a holiday.

Spartans Wed 12-Aug-15 14:37:38

I think YABU.

Personally my mum wouldn't offer to help dh out, but would offer to help me. She offers to help dbro (he always says no as he likes having them on his own) but not sil. Mainly because SIL would be annoyed or accuse her of interfering.

As you said, you don't want her there.

She may be doing it because she thinks he can't cope. She may also be doing it as she thinks you are more likely to allow her taking them away if you are not there. Or she may want to spend some time with her own son and grandchildren.

Your Mils different parenting style (unless she believes is whipping kids) is not going to make a difference on a 3 or 4 day break.

I don't see anything wrong. the only person who should maybe be offended is your dh.

Spartans Wed 12-Aug-15 14:38:57

And really because they are left in teh care of your dh, its really up to him.

How would you feel about him dictating what you can do, with the kids, when he is away?

CSIJanner Wed 12-Aug-15 14:42:03

Okay - I can see your problem now. YANBU then as she is basically demonstrating by actions that either a) looking after children is women's work (boik!) or b) their own father can not be trusted or can't cope with his own children. Time to sit husband down methinks and put it to him that way then. But something tells me as it went ahead last time and nothing mentioned beforehand that he knows it will mean an easy weekend for him plus that you wouldn't be happy.

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers Wed 12-Aug-15 14:43:04

I really can't see why you are annoyed about this.

You get to go away with your friends, have time with your DH, and family childcare so you can work.

The words 'moon' and 'stick' are jumping to mind here, a lot of people would bite their arm off for half the loving, willing childcare you have.


Theycallmemellowjello Wed 12-Aug-15 14:56:12

I think yabu. Nothing sinister about having a mil who wants to spend time with the kids. She probably thinks you wouldn't agree to her having them when you're around (possibly true?) so seizes her chance when you're away. I reckon your real problem is the manchild dh who can only give the kids macdonalds and noodles! shock

WhereAreMyDragons Wed 12-Aug-15 15:03:11

I can completely see why you're annoyed, I've been in a similar situation (dh self employed, working all hours, didn't see dc for days on end) and no one came near (presume as I am seen as competent and a strong person who can deal with things). Fast forward to when I need to work a Saturday into late evening and not only my mil but also my dm were offering to take the kids for dh. Boils my blood.

Sootgremlin Wed 12-Aug-15 15:43:37

I think it would be fine if the dh was just visiting the mil with the kids, but it's different if the mil is basically responsible for them without there being a prior arrangement.

I wouldn't like the fact nothing was said to you about it and you found out once it was a done deal - that it what would bother me more than anything. You need to have childcare you can trust and that you need to know what your children will be up to while you're away. The only people I let care for my children in loco parentis are those that I can trust completely to be honest and up front with me, family or not. Any less than straightforward dealings just stress me out and make the time away not really worthwhile, so I understand where you are coming from if this is the case.

Also, I have family members who love the children very much, but are not necessarily safe out and about with them, and I have been witness to enough poor decision-making - not just different decision-making - that I would not be comfortable with an ad hoc holiday situation, whereas they would be fine babysitting in the house.

duckydinosaur Wed 12-Aug-15 18:29:41

YABU - you use them for free child care but you don't want them to look after your kids while you are away! So precious. So basically they are only good enough when you are at work and it is benefiting you! Surely you hear how ridiculous that is. I could maybe understand if you were a SAHM and your mil had never had them, but she has them all the time!!! Stop being a drama queen.

AmberNectarine Wed 12-Aug-15 18:58:51

YABU - when I go away I suggest DH has MIL round. She gets to spend time with her DS and DGCs without me (the interloper) around, he gets a bit of help and I don't have to tolerate her. Everyone wins.

ollieplimsoles Wed 12-Aug-15 19:03:09

Why was it arranged behind your back? hmm

I would be a bit annoyed if the girls were looking forward to some time with their dad but they end up been foisted off on mil. Can he not look after the kids unless a woman is around or something?

Hay135 Wed 12-Aug-15 19:39:44

He is perfectly happy having the kids without anyone around and has in fact said that he doesn't want MIL to take them away. Without him
So he will tell her when he next see then he wants to have a Weekend with his girls. He may visit MIL but she want be taking them away with out one if us going.
We have had my DM on one occasion recently and on another their auntie offer to take then away for weekends and have said no to both.
It does come down to not wanting to let anyone take them away without us.
I wouldn't enjoy my break worrying if they was ok. Especially with pools on holiday etc I would have panic attack or something.
Like I sat I don't stop her seeing the kids but I don't want them going on holiday without either me or DH.
If she invited DH to go along and he wanted to then that's would be fine.
I want my girls to spend some quality time with DH who works a lot (he wants this as well so that's win win) and I don't want to worry about their safety while I am away.
I know I worry quiet a bit smile but I do let them out of my sight as long as I feel they will be safe

ApocalypseThen Wed 12-Aug-15 20:21:04

There is something I'm missing. If neither you nor your husband want them to go, are you thinking your mother in law will kidnap them?

drudgetrudy Wed 12-Aug-15 20:27:49

I can understand you being a bit annoyed that your MIL only offers help when the kids Dad is in charge but don't you trust either your DM or MIL-do you think they would let them drown in a swimming pool?

SunshineAndShadows Wed 12-Aug-15 20:34:01

Why are you annoyed at your MIL because your DH is palming the kids off on her? I assume she's not kidnapping them, so their father is happy with his DM taking charge of them when you're away? Do you not trust your DH's judgement?

And you're happy for your MIL to provide ad hoc childcare when it's convenient for you. Just not when she and your DH find it convenient.

Tbh you sound like hard work. You need to talks to your DH and agree a joint parenting strategy and stop blaming your MIL for your DH's decisions.

Spilose Wed 12-Aug-15 20:35:05

I think yabu. You're being picky. Let your LO's enjoy sometime with their grandparents. Their techniques may be different but as long as you don't think they can damage your child over a few days does it really matter?

Hay135 Wed 12-Aug-15 21:07:17

They managed to loss DD 1 on a shopping trip and they only told me about it after she had told me that she got lost. I know this was an accident and can happen to not one as it only takes a second. I know she feels terrible but it still puts a little doubt in my mind. I'm not sure she would have confessed if my dd hadn't promoted it.
We have been on holiday with them and my MIL had the girls for a day so we could do sport activities they were to young for. I was very grateful until I came back and found she has left my my oldest DD in the kids club with no other children an only a women looking after her that didn't speak any English. DD was around 5 at the time hmm. I just don't think that's suitable especially as it only opened that day and we didn't know anything about it or the people running it.
So I just don't trust her judgement enough to be comfortable with her taking the kids away.
As for drowning Her letting them drown in the pool it has happened enough where kids have had to be saws out of pool that I would seriously worry about it as I say it only takes a second of not watching them properly near an outdoor swimming pool.

drudgetrudy Wed 12-Aug-15 21:09:16

Ah well-you have reason then to be a bit concerned.

SunshineAndShadows Wed 12-Aug-15 21:15:17

I still don't understand why this is your MIL's problem. Is she kidnapping them from your DH? Or has he just been compliant in her taking them?

To be fair your MIL is probably pretty confused. There have clearly been a few issues that have caused you concern and yet:

MIL looks after my DD while I go to work and have them overnight occasional (so we do get chance to go out with friends

It doesn't seem to bother you when it's convenient for you. If you're genuinely worried for your DD's safety why are you using her for childcare at all? She's either competent it she's not.

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