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I'm being an awful daughter

(33 Posts)
Fedupd0tcom Wed 12-Aug-15 11:15:30

I've just had a massive row with my Mum and said some unforgiveable things to her. I just had enough. I'm called by her 6 times a day, or more. I can't do anything in the morning unless I've called. If i don't she says I'm trying to give her a heart attack. She worries all the time. She expects me to see her everyday. If i go somewhere without her i get asked 'why didn't you take me?' If i ask her to come too she says she's too tired and ill. Apparently then, sure says, i should force her, but shes got a chronic health condition so i say stay back and rest then. Her house is seriously dangerous and cluttered. It's very difficult for me to visit with my LO due to this, she misbehaves a lot if we go there. It's not been cleaned in years. I've tried to help clean and tidy it, at her request, but if I try to move anything she screams at me that I'm trying to kill her and want her to die. We recently lost my Dad. She's dealt with the grief better as she was expecting it. I wasn't so am heartbroken. But no time is given for me to be alone to reflect or mourn. I'm expected to hold down my job, be mummy, care for her, move in with her, sort out Dad's estate. All by myself. I can't do it anymore. I told her exactly what i thought of her house today after she told me how stupid i was because i wanted to declutter a room in her house before we paint it, again at her request. I actually am fed up of giving up my family time to do this. For no thanks. She stops me seeing friends and family. Moans to her friends that i won't move into her unsafe house. She is v ill so i want to but it's too dangerous right now and she stops me making it safe. I just want to run away. I've had enough. I'm an awful person. I miss my Dad. She wouldn't even let me spend time with him when he was ill. She tried to stop me marrying my OH because she dislikes his family. I feel so suffocated by her but guilty that she makes me so angry. I'm an awful person, i know. I've tried telling her to see friends. She only will if I drive her there. Go with her. I can't with my LO. She's got access to free transport but wants me to be her taxi. I've had enough.

Charley50 Wed 12-Aug-15 11:20:22

Sorry to hear about your dad flowers. Tbh I think I would have drastically cut contact with my mum many years ago if she behaved as yours does to you. She doesn't own you or have the right to tell you what to do.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Wed 12-Aug-15 11:23:00

You are not an awful person. She is suffocating you. I think I'd let the dust settle, then ring her, apologise for losing your temper but explain why you did. Then set some boundaries. When mil was widowed we helped with practical things immediately after, phoned her twice a week reducing to once a fortnight and visited every few months.

If your mother was your partner behaving this way, everyone would tell you to leave.

Itsmine Wed 12-Aug-15 11:29:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlpacaMyBags Wed 12-Aug-15 11:30:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Purpleme Wed 12-Aug-15 11:36:03

Your are NOT remotely awful. Quite the opposite.

Your mother sounds psychologically unwell.

It does not sound as if you are medically qualified to deal with it. In fact, you sound unwell yourself. Unsurprisingly.

She needs help but it sounds as if you have done everything you could do already. She is an adult and appears to have a major dependency problem which feeds on your guilt and kindness.

You need to stop doing everything she wants, for her sake and, most importantly, for your sake and that of your LO.

Might it be an idea to get some external help for yourself? See a doctor? Let her doctor know? Cut down on the number of times you pick up the phone? Let her know that you will put the phone down very calmly/leave the house if she starts abusing you (and make sure you do as you say)?

Fedupd0tcom Wed 12-Aug-15 11:46:09

Thanks everyone for your support and kindness. I've told GP. I'm having counselling. She is soon to as well. I've tried setting boundaries but she gets angry and says I'm scaring her with my anger and she's frightened of me. And calls when I've asked her not to and then because i don't want to appear angry and scary i respond. It's all my fault. sad

ElizabethSpenser Wed 12-Aug-15 11:47:42

Oh poor you. Your Mum doesn't sound well at all. You sound very stressed with everything.
Have you any siblings to share your Mother's companionship needs with ?
I think your Mum needs help and she needs to know her behaviour is adversely affecting you.

Fedupd0tcom Wed 12-Aug-15 11:53:45

It's just me. No siblings. sad no other family who can help.

Icimoi Wed 12-Aug-15 11:56:43

Get in touch with social services, urgently, and say you are concerned that she is not ill and is putting herself in danger and she needs an urgent care assessment.

IndianMummy Wed 12-Aug-15 11:59:28

You're not being an awful daughter. Parents aren't supposed to behave like this. Just do your best, whatever you can do, and don't feel guilty about what you cannot or do not want to do. Sorry you're under a lot of stress but as far as you can don't let her and her issues stress you out - whatever you do is never going to be good enough for her or sort out the many issues she has, so bear that in mind and good luck :-)

cal28xx Wed 12-Aug-15 12:01:36

op you sound amazing and not an awful person at all. so sorry to hear about your dad. please take some time for yourself. you are doing far to much and you will make yourself ill if you carry on like this. i second what icimoi says. phone social services and see what support they can offer.

Baddz Wed 12-Aug-15 12:05:15

Do check out the stately homes thread.
My mum was like this after my dad died and I ended up ill in hospital.
You aren't responsible for her happiness.
she is

featherandblack Wed 12-Aug-15 12:17:07

How nightmarishly awful. You need to be very firm but gentle, as if she is a child. Ignore the response when you say no. Don't do things that you will resent having to do. Explain to her exactly what you are going to do and when. Give her something to hold onto but make it contained. I think you started this thread so others could tell you what you already know deep down; that she's the unreasonable one. That's fine but you have to step up from here as no one can do this for you. You are not a victim of circumstance, as your mum probably claims she is. If you continue in this dynamic, it's because you're making a choice to participate. It's not one that will allow you to be what your children deserve. They are the truly vulnerable ones here.

ladygaga1980 Wed 12-Aug-15 12:20:40

Hi OP,

Sorry to hear about your dad.

I had a similar situation to yours re my own mother. I had a pattern that I found out can be described as 'codependency'. By being at her beck and call I was enabling my mother's behaviour so nothing was ever going to change unless I changed it. So going forward, you need to put boundaries in place. That will be the key to you and your mother's happiness.

I got support by attending this group a couple of times and they helped me a lot www.coda-uk.org/. They have free meetings throughout the UK - try and get along if you can. Also Melody Beattie's book 'Codependent no more' is another good starting point.

Good luck on your journey to developing healthy boundaries and healthier relationships. If you put the work in now it will pay dividends, I promise.

ladygaga1980 Wed 12-Aug-15 12:22:55

Sorry I realise you already mentioned boundaries. But you don't need to tell her you are putting boundaries in place. Don't tell her anything about any changes until you feel strong enough, it should be your behaviour that does the talking...

BarbarianMum Wed 12-Aug-15 12:33:07

It sounds like you are in an impossible position flowers and you sound at the end of your tether. Itsmine speaks a lot of sense.

Vatersay Wed 12-Aug-15 12:36:41

Would she let your DH go in and de clutter and paint?

My (lovely) folks let my DH away with all sorts of things that I wouldn't.

Fedupd0tcom Wed 12-Aug-15 12:41:52

No. She doesn't like or trust my DH. Even though he is nicer and kinder to her than I am. I'm a wreck today. I can't face anyone.

Pixi2 Wed 12-Aug-15 12:43:23

Are you my sister? I have two missed calls from her in the last 10 mins because she has been dropped off at home as happens every Wednesday lunchtime by one of my siblings. She then rings round and round until one of us gets guilt tripped into going over and spending the afternoon with her.
I've decluttered her house only for her to fill it back up. I've given up. If she can't even be bothered to maintain her house when I've decluttered, cleaned and decorated then that's showing me a lack if respect thinking that I would come and do it again less than a week later.

Lottapianos Wed 12-Aug-15 12:44:40

Just wanted to echo what everyone else said. You are most certainly not an awful daughter or an awful person. Your mother is expecting far too much from you, and I'm not surprised you got to boiling point. You're not a robot, you're a flesh and blood person with other responsibilities and demands on your time and you can't keep on giving and giving and giving.

You are not responsible for your mother's happiness or for taking care of her every need. I'm really glad to hear that you're seeing a counsellor. It's so difficult to distance yourself from this type of 'engulfing' parent - my parents are similar to your mum. You grow up being treated as an extension of them, rather than as a person in your own right, and asserting yourself and developing healthy boundaries can be just too damn difficult to do on your own.

I agree completely with ladygaga1980 - don't tell her that you're making any changes. That will just give her an opportunity to start with the manipulative 'you're trying to kill me' stuff, which is all designed to scare you and shut you up. This is a highly emotionally abusive tactic by the way and must be intensely painful for you to have to deal with. Don't give her the opportunity

BlackeyedSusan Wed 12-Aug-15 12:50:36

bloody hell, she is worse than my mum and that is saying something.

going back to read properly.

Gottagetmoving Wed 12-Aug-15 12:51:53

It is too much stress for you to deal with.
Your mother must have always been like this but that does not mean you cannot give her boundaries.
Speak to someone who can get you some support for your Mum and who can refer you for help for yourself.
You are not an awful person and you are not responsible for your mother's life.
To make accusations that you are trying to kill her is manipulative and emotional blackmail so don't give in to it.
Speak to your mother and tell her firmly that you cannot manage to see her every day and that you need to get advice on how to deal with her problems because you cannot cope alone.

BlackeyedSusan Wed 12-Aug-15 12:56:06

you can do nothing right in her eyes anyway so stop worrying about that. (easier said than done.)

limit what you can do with her otherwise you will be sitting in a cluttered shit tip because you have given everything to her and not to you, your house and your little one. when you offer help give her choices. either we move stuff and paint or leave it and do not paint.

BlackeyedSusan Wed 12-Aug-15 12:58:02

you need to go non contact for a few days to recover. can you get a phone with caller id or turn it off for portions of time?

you need to look after you.

talking of which I am going to look after me and the children and do something lovely. clean up the cluttered shit tip

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