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To be offended by colleagues comment re. my figure?

(126 Posts)
PeasinPod1 Wed 12-Aug-15 09:11:18

So last week a group of us went out from work, a woman (around 8 years younger then me who i barely know) is talking about a new fitness craze and discussing it, to me says "its for people like us, with figures like us" I tired to ignore it..push aside as not sure what she meant (we are roughly same size but she has no tone or definition) then she repeated "yes its for people like US...not er...overweight...but you know, not toned either".

Now but of context...I had my DD 1 1/2 yr ago. I put on much too much weight but with so much hard work/diet and regular gym routine I am a bit lighter then before baby and am actually pretty toned!

Recently a lot of friends have given me amazing comments about how well/fit/toned i am was gutted to hear 1 comment just rocks me back down to earth with a huge bump. I'm sensitive about my looks and a moment like this builds up in my mind and makes me think thats how everyone actually sees me....just average...bleeeuuugh..nothing big or small just nothing special. All my gym work just seems wasted.

I'm fuming at her lopping me in the same bracket as her and daring to pass judgement about someone's figure like this. sad

TheHouseOnBellSt Wed 12-Aug-15 10:33:50

No offence but perhaps you're not as toned as you think you are? If she's an uber bitch who was looking to hurt you, that's a very specific way of doing so.

Usually people who want to put others down, don't do it in such a specific fashion...unless you've been talking about your toning progress in her earshot.

Rovinja Wed 12-Aug-15 10:35:07

I'm sure you'll be told that you're being precious and judging her etc but I think YANBU. I'd be pissed off too. I was asked, upon returning to work, "is it taking you long to lose the baby weight?" I have dropped two jeans sizes since having DC and weigh almost a stone less than I did pre-pregnancy!

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Wed 12-Aug-15 10:35:50

So you see this woman as nothing special,average and just eurghhh? Nice.

scrumpkin Wed 12-Aug-15 10:37:14

Maybe it's one of these schemes where she has to sign people to join up and she's just very bad at it.

I'm also not the size I was pre kids and am cycling every day to try and rectify it. I'd be pissed off too

StampyMum Wed 12-Aug-15 10:37:42

YANBU and she is a stupid bitch. Why did she need to say that? I'm sure you look great, and she's just jealous.

FarFromAnyRoad Wed 12-Aug-15 10:38:37

You sound pretty much as bad as her to be honest. And both of you are too interested in what the other looks like. Here's an idea - stop looking at people and defining them in terms of their shape and rather find out what's interesting about them, what you can learn from them, what they've got to say. I promise you you'll be much happier because bitching about people's shapes and looks and having the same done to you is pretty joy-sapping in the longer term.

MyPelvicFloorTrainsItself Wed 12-Aug-15 10:40:01

Do people actually look at some one and think to themselves that the other person has no tone or definition?


Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Wed 12-Aug-15 10:40:14

"Maybe you're not as toned as think".
That's not the point. No matter what anyone's. No one in my opinion has the right to pass any comment.
Op. If your colleague wants to critic her own figure, then. That's her business but she doesn't have to drag you down with her.

Runningupthathill82 Wed 12-Aug-15 10:42:26

To me, it sounds like she was just being friendly and chatty. You admit yourself that you're roughly the same size as her, so perhaps to an uncritical eye you do look very similar!

Also, to say that she is "just average, nothing special, bleuuugh" is pretty horrible. Pretty ironic too that you're "fuming" at her "passjng judgement", yet you've been a lot crueller about her figure than she has about yours.

TheHouseOnBellSt Wed 12-Aug-15 10:43:13

Lighthouse but OP is annoyed that the woman thought of her in a similar light to herself...not at the passing of remarks at her figure.

I'm sure if the other woman had said she had an amazing, perfect body then there'd be no complaint. So it is rather the point.

RedRowanBerries Wed 12-Aug-15 10:45:15

She was seeking common ground. No need to take offence.

CrystalMcPistol Wed 12-Aug-15 10:49:27

I really think you're overreacting. Unless she's a person who has form for trying to put other people down I'd just take it as harmless chat.

She hasn't seen you naked (I presume) so she is just making assumptions that you're as toned as each other. No need to fume.

Salmotrutta Wed 12-Aug-15 10:52:13

What's wrong with being "just average" or "nothing special" then OP?

It sounds to me as if you definitely do need your self-esteem boosted all the time?

Maybe that's what you need to work on alongside your fitness.

Sounds to me that the woman was just a bit clumsy with her wording.

Myturnnow4 Wed 12-Aug-15 10:52:44

Recently a lot of friends have given me amazing comments about how well/fit/toned i am looking.

Could she be aware of this and is looking to take you down a peg or two?

AuntyMag10 Wed 12-Aug-15 10:54:45

Sounds like she's just being chatty not really malicious. You on the other hand are judging her, so why do you have a problem with her doing the same?

TheHouseOnBellSt Wed 12-Aug-15 10:55:09

I once said something about "women our their early 40s" and the woman I was talking to said in a haughty voice "I'm ONLY 36!"

I thought "Well you don't look it and even if you aren't you're only a bloody few years away!"

No need to take everything personally. In my defence she really didn't look 36...more like 44.

Rovinja Wed 12-Aug-15 10:57:38

Could she be aware of this and is looking to take you down a peg or two?

Rather spiteful if she is. OP has had a baby and in her own words "put on too much weight", but she's clearly worked hard to shift it since, so why shouldn't others compliment her on how well she's looking?

Lurkedforever1 Wed 12-Aug-15 10:58:01

Ditto thehouse and what dame said about you.
Even if your comparison to her is accurate, it's worth bearing in mind she could be mentally doing the same about people who are ultra toned. My close friend pre pregnancy was super toned, post pregnancy she was a size 14, but from her original perspective of what the healthy physiche goal was, someone size 10 and untoned would be just as interested in toning up as her.

BerylStreep Wed 12-Aug-15 10:58:22

I think it's rude, and I would be offended too, no matter what my body shape.

I think it is one thing to have a conversation like that if you had been complaining about your figure, but to randomly pass comment on your figure with a back handed compliment like that is weird & rude, especially with colleagues.

I've come across people like that before, who have body image issues and are constantly comparing themselves to others around them - whether they are bigger, slimmer, more toned etc. Everything was a competition to them.

I'd just practice my Paddington stare and not get drawn in to any conversation with her. If she starts the 'we're all in the same boat' type conversations again, you could retort with 'speak for yourself'.

However, as someone else said, it might also be worth thinking about your own attitudes to your body. Well done on losing weight after the baby, that's a real achievement - but are you placing all of your worth and self esteem around it?

MagicMojito Wed 12-Aug-15 10:58:43

She seems clumsy but I wouldn't take offense. Some people just cannot carry a conversation without putting their foot in it like me

You have admitted that you are roughly the same shape/size as her so I'd probably agree with a pp that she was just trying to find common ground with you, especially since she doesn't actually know you that well.

It doesn't diminish all the hard work you have done. I'm on a loseing battle with my own weight after having dd2 a year ago, So I appreciate that it must have taken an awful lot of hard work to get where you are now, still be proud of that! smile

helenahandbag Wed 12-Aug-15 11:03:21

I had a friend do this to me. I'd gone from a size 18 to a 14, and she is very overweight. We were on a night out and "Bootylicious" came on. Overweight friend "joked" to our very tall, slim friend, "skinny bitches like you aren't allowed to dance with to this, this is for me and Helena!"

I was absolutely crushed. She is 5' 2" and probably a size 22, and I was really upset that she regarded us as being the same, as nasty as that sounds.

Babalusca Wed 12-Aug-15 11:03:28

In her view, you are not as toned as you think you are. Are people only allowed to say things to you that you like to hear? Perhaps your friends and family have been overly generous in their praise. They would have seen you when you were bigger and compared you now with that past. So their comments about you being toned would be relative to your bigger self. Your colleague is very likely comparing you to her idea of what is toned.

Being thinner does not equal being toned. In my mind, toned is when you can see some muscle definition at the very least.

I must say though, I am a little bit taken aback by your utter disgust of being compared to your colleague. You sound incredibly full of yourself. You may think you look better than her but to express such disgust at being in the same bracket as her says a lot about you.

HuftysTrain Wed 12-Aug-15 11:03:30

It's an odd thing to talk about if you ask me, I would never comment on someone's shape, size or muscular definition.

That said, I think you come off worse in this. Try being a bit less self-absorbed. You obviously junk you're pretty hot compared to everyone else which isn't a very kind or modest thing to post about.

formerbabe Wed 12-Aug-15 11:04:33

I think you are being a little bit over sensitive. It's quite hard to tell if someone is toned when they are fully clothed... So maybe she assumes you aren't because you have had a baby, rather than because of how you look iyswim.

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