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Annoyed with other mums telling me DC has not got Aspergers or ADHD

(40 Posts)
Bing0wings Tue 11-Aug-15 15:24:08

DC has been diagnosed with sensory problems. She has had various problems including daytime toilet training taking 3.5 years. had 3 teachers and SENCO who have said there is a bit of a problem. NHS Autism team want to do the ADOS test on her to check as her social skills are lacking. Despite this I still get friends and other Mums telling me she hasn't got Aspergers cos 'so and so has got it and she's not like that' or 'she looks normal' or 'I wouldn't want her to get a serious label' or 'oh they have to label everything these days.' Really annoys me ! Some people are brilliant and supportive, but I just don't understand why some parents are so judgmental and feel they are qualified to diagnose my child. It minimises everything we've been through and shuts down the conversation. It's not reassuring, it's annoying.

TheHouseOnBellSt Tue 11-Aug-15 15:34:54


They're trying to minimise it in the hope that that will make you feel better/less worried.

Of course what you really need is the opposite! You need to be supported through the assessments and through your DDs challenges.

Just tell them nicely..."I'd rather not second guess whether she has or hasn't got any issues as we just don't know yet."

ollieplimsoles Tue 11-Aug-15 15:41:23

Are these people you consider friends OP? Because if so they sound utterly shit and I wouldn't continue speaking to them.

Its one thing to try and reassure you but quite another to say things like 'label everything these days' hmm

Ditch these people and surround yourself with people who WILL support you and listen to your concerns.

vaticancameos Tue 11-Aug-15 15:43:40

I'm mentally high fiving this thread. My DS has been diagnosed with sensory processing difficulties and spatial awareness problems. He's also being assessed for social and communication difficulties. But no. Because he once did something somebody asked him to do "oh he's fine with me. There's nothing wrong with him." Drives me up the fucking wall.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Tue 11-Aug-15 15:46:37

Bunch of know-nothing arses.
Smile and ignore.
Seems there are a lot of people out there who can diagnose a child just by looking at them - just because they "know someone" who has ADHD/ASD/Asperger's etc. They forget that people with these conditions aren't a homogenous type, that they're still all individuals and the very fact that the condition is a spectrum (so a large number of symptoms, of which the person may have some or many) should indicate that they will all be different!

Labels - well that's an old-fashioned way of looking at it, isn't it. I suppose they'd rather she was labelled as the naughty child, or the backward child, which is often what happened to children with undiagnosed conditions in the good ol' days. The "label" opens doors to access help for your DD to maximise her chances (well it used to before this bunch of govt fuckwits got in, anyway) - so I'd rather have it than not!

YADNBU. Sarcasm works well to shut people up, I find.

LeChien Tue 11-Aug-15 15:47:17

Minimising and dismissing drives me mad!
I find it quite offensive, as in saying that there's no issue with the dc, they're saying that you're deluded and making it up or that you're a crap parent.
Tell them to fuck off thanks

littlejohnnydory Tue 11-Aug-15 15:47:48

Sympathies. My ds has Asperger's and SPD along with the toilet issues you describe. Best thing to do in my experience is explain simply and clearly as you would to a small child "that's why the diagnosis is important - because people often don't realise that she needs extra help" or "yes, it's such a wide spectrum and affects people in such different ways, doesn't it?" And "yes, she copes so well with X, Y and Z that it can be easy to overlook the difficulty she has, which would do her a disservice".

Bing0wings Tue 11-Aug-15 15:47:55

High fiving back to you ! That's like saying he's fine with me coz im fantastic and you must be a shit parent. Annoying!

BeyondTheWall Tue 11-Aug-15 15:48:27

Its shit, yanbu to be annoyed flowers

I'm under a clinical psyc, part way through asd diagnosis. I mentioned it in passing to a locum gp when there with ds1 re 'hearing problems' (ie, the potential he is just ignoring me) to be told "oh no, you dont have anything like that". Well i'm glad you know better than the experts! angry

ProudAS Tue 11-Aug-15 15:48:45

Why should two people on the autistic spectrum be any more alike than two neurotypicals!!!!

geekymommy Tue 11-Aug-15 15:49:26

Unless they're psychiatrists, psychologists, or someone else with medical training, they're not qualified to say who does or doesn't have Asperger's or ADHD.

vaticancameos Tue 11-Aug-15 15:49:35

That's exactly what it is I feel. People assuming it's always the parenting.

BeyondTheWall Tue 11-Aug-15 15:49:52

Its also disabilist. "Oh know you/they (whoever) is nothing like those people"

Imnotaslimjim Tue 11-Aug-15 15:52:11

my mum was the same, told me I was wrong for wanting to "label" DS. When all I wanted was for someone else to recognise that he was struggling.

Just ignore them, you know your DC best flowers

MrsBobDylan Tue 11-Aug-15 15:52:13

Well, yanbu but sadly ime this is very common. I think people who believe 'label mania' is a real thing, are frankly ill informed and possibly hysterical.

Some though, are just trying to think of something to say to make you feel better.

The only real solution I found was to ignore the unhelpful/offensive comments and walk away.

passmethewineplease Tue 11-Aug-15 15:52:31

I think it's their way of trying to reassure you but I agree it's annoying. DS is under a few people at a the minute for a variety of things. People mil are always saying oh he's fine. Nothing wrong with him and my favourite, he's a boy he's lazy. angry

merrymouse Tue 11-Aug-15 15:57:05

I think many people do this in a misguided attempt to make you feel better - to make the problem go away.

takeinyourhen Tue 11-Aug-15 15:57:46

Everyone was adamant DS was not ADHD (just me being a shit LP obvs) and then knew all along that he was ADHD when 5 years later he's diagnosed!

To be honest though, he's the same boy now as he was before the diagnosis - same boy, same behaviour - a label changes nothing except for that you know the reason why they can't help it. They still need you and their friends all the same though thanks OP, it's a long, hard road and you'll need good friends (and the SN boards on here are a great place too!)

MrsBobDylan Tue 11-Aug-15 15:58:28

Oh, and even though DS had an ASD diagnosis at 2.5 years and went straight into a sn school at 4 years, I now get people saying DS 'must have mild autism'. Most recently it was because someone knew a child with autism who makes stim noises 'all the time' and DS doesn't. It is so fucking irritating but I have learnt to smile vaguely and change the topic. Gah!

ThumbWitchesAbroad Tue 11-Aug-15 15:59:10

I have a friend whose DD is about to be assessed for having PDA. Trouble is finding a psych who even knows about it (in Australia) to get the appropriate diagnosis. It fits, and the change in behaviour management as suggested by websites devoted to PDA has worked - but the school need a diagnosis to be able to help her appropriately. Her sister is being assessed for ADHD.

However. Her father, and her paternal grandmother, do not agree that there is anything "wrong" with them - mostly because it's quite likely that their father also has something along those lines (poor impulse control, quite likely to also have ADD) - so the girls' behaviour fits into "normal" for him and his mother. Trouble is, because of shared care, their opinion is taken into account, which delays and inhibits the chances of getting a diagnosis that will help the girls. sad

merrymouse Tue 11-Aug-15 15:59:46

I agree that grandparents can be particularly anxious to minimise difficulties - if you only see a snapshot of somebody's life you can pretend they only have problems occasionally.

Bing0wings Tue 11-Aug-15 15:59:48

Thank you all. Good to know that's it's not just me.

SewingAndCakes Tue 11-Aug-15 16:01:56

I had this too; "it's just that he's clever and not being challenged enough", "he's just like my ds at that age" etc...

Now he has a diagnosis, it's changed to "maybe my dc has ASD, because they do that too sometimes", and "he's only got it very mildly though, it doesn't affect him too much".

I've had to learn to smile and nod, and just ignore.

NaughtToThreeSadOnions Tue 11-Aug-15 16:02:44

Thing about autism especially is every single persons experience is different! I went to a specialist Aspergers college and out of 94 people I was the only one with my partical intolerances, sensory needs and dislikes obsessions, routines.

I know my mum always felt judged and like she was made out to be a bad parent it's ashame still people want to label everything the same.

kust ask to see their medical qualifications as their so expert on your DC condition.

I think they think their being supportive because there's people who think any disability is the end of a fulfilling life. But surely if that diagnoses gets the kids the help they need to he able to live a fulfilling life it's a good thing. I speak as some ind who didn't get any intervention till 21 and was lucky I was able to attend the college til I was 25. It's really not supportive going oh it's not th bad you'll cope I'd rather my difficulties were acknowledged and helped!

DirtyMugPolice Tue 11-Aug-15 16:04:28

Yanbu. Unless they are qualified diangosticians they should keep their opinions to themselves!

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