DM and alcohol consumption in front of our children. AIBU?(100 Posts)
My DM and family are visiting us for the week this week. Mum asked me directly if they could stay and, as we have excess space, I couldn't really say no. I don't mind them staying, that's not the issue. But my mum is out of control.
They have been here for 2 days. Yesterday my mum drank a box of wine (4x75cl bottles) and half a bottle of gin. This is actually a typical amount for her to drink of an evening, and she has been told time and time again that it's not good for her, or fun for anyone else when she gets herself in such a state.
It was a hot day. My DD 10months and I went for a nap. I said that we were not to be disturbed under any circumstances ss mum has a habit of banging about and trying to get into bed with either me or the kids. I should add that she is a larger lady and obviously when drunk has a lack of control or awareness.
She tried to get into bed with me and DD, waking both of us, reeking of alcohol and made a fuss when I told her to get out, refusing to move despite crushing me under her. Eventually when went back downstairs in a bad mood, telling everyone I was being a bitch, including DS who is 3, who she then asked to go and pour her a gin and tonic!
I have asked her to stop drinking while they are staying here and she is obviously upset by this. Is it unreasonable of me to want to protect my children and myself? To not want them in particular to think this is normal behaviour?
Alcohol isn't my friend either, but I have (and still am to an extent) battled through and came out of the other end of it. I don't want to relapse while she is here.
She has gone out now for a walk with my Step-dad. She hasn't said anything other than "that's fine" but I don't think that's the end of it and have a feeling she will bring it up again.
How would you handle it? AIBU? Would it be unreasonable, if she were to bring alcohol into the house again, to ask her to leave?
This is so hard.
good god ! You must be a saint to tolerate this
ask her to leave, immediately
I'd be kicking her out without any regrets.
tell her to leave. This is putting your children at risk, there is nothing to consider, she goes right now.protect your children.
She is going to be shitty about it, nothing you can do will avoid that, but really, that is just another aspect of the alcohol problem that you are unfortunately having to live with.
She could suffocate your baby very easily, you know, Obviously that is the worst case scenario, but your children are not safe, physically or emotionally while she is in the house.
It really hacks me off when family behave like this. Would this behaviour be tolerated by her friends I wonder?
Would you accept this behaviour from anyone else? If the answer is no then ask her to curb the drinking or leave. Just because she is your mother does not give her the right to act so appallingly.
You should get her to leave. Immediately.
She's an alcoholic. If she suddenly stops drinking she may end up in hospital seriously ill. She needs a managed withdrawal from alcohol.
This is just awful! There is no way I would have let someone with this problem into my house, space or not! I can't believe she tried to get into bed with you and your child! That is incredibly weird behaviour! I'm afraid I don't have any advice for you as I can only imagine one member of my family acting like this and I haven't had contact with them for 15 years! I really hope you sort it out though OP and you have my sympathy. Good luck.
OK, so she's an alcoholic and that means (as I'm sure you know) that she will prioritise alcohol over you, your DCs or indeed anyone else.
So you need to do whatever it takes to protect your DCs. That means telling her to leave now.
When my DCs were about the same age as yours, I made the heartbreaking decision to go no-contact with my mother for precisely the same issues that you are worried about. I didn't want my DCs to think her behaviour was normal. I knew my DCs were physically and emotionally at risk with her in their lives. I knew that she would never be reliable and would constantly let them down.
So for several years, the DCs only spoke to her on the phone (when she was sober), although I never did. You would be surprised how accepting little children are of such a situation. If they are told "grandma lives a long way away", they quite happily chat away without querying it. She died young. I have no regrets at all. It was definitely the right thing to do.
Yanbu. Although id not be asking her to leave, I'd be telling. Asking gives the opportunity for her to say 'no' or 'but I won't do it again' and so on.
You've said you have battled and are to an extent still battling alcohol issues. You don't need your mother hampering your recovery (her jealousy) nor do you need to be her saviour. She is the only person who can help herself and she won't do it until she's ready. Maybe not seeing her daughter and grandchildren will give her push towards her own recovery. Maybe not. But you do not have to put up with it.
Your mum can consume 4 bottles of wine and half a bottle of gin without needing an ambulance?
Ask her to leave or pour away all of the alcohol. Refuse to have it in the house. If you also have a weakness with alcohol your mother is being incredibly insensitive, and to be honest it sounds like you need to get her into the car and drive her to an alcohol addiction facility to be checked in. If she can't control her drinking for a week for your sake and to abide by your wishes then she has a serious problem (not that it isn't obvious from the amount she is drinking anyway!)
Yesterday my mum drank a box of wine (4x75cl bottles) and half a bottle of gin. This is actually a typical amount for her to drink of an evening
That's not just "she likes a drink" or even "she's got a bit of a drink problem", that's well into "raging alcoholism" territory. She's drinking more in a day than she is supposed to be drinking in a month.
The fact that she gets drunk and then tries to get into bed with a baby isn't just annoying, it could very well prove fatal for your child - the risk of accidental smothering goes up hugely if the adult has been drinking.
It is absolutely not unreasonable for you to insist that house-guests don't drink in your home, particularly if you have had your own alcohol issues (and with her as a mother, that is not exactly surprising) and particularly if there are small children present. Children do not benefit from being around out-of-control drunks.
It's very sad that she is choosing alcohol in preference to your comfort and the safety of your children but that's the choice she is making. This is your home. This is where you and your children are supposed to feel safe. She is wrecking that. Kick her drunken arse out.
Your mother is an alcoholic and should not be around you or your children. Tell her to leave and not to come back unless she can get sober.
Child of a former alcoholic here.
Jesus, that's a LOT of alcohol. When I saw the thread title, I thought you might be being a bit precious over your DM drinking a bottle of wine on a Friday night.
There is no way I'd allow anyone to stay in my house and consume that amount of alcohol, sorry.
I am very concerned about you, OP , that you would even have to ask advice over this.
On what planet is drinking that amount ok , around children or otherwise?
Alcohol is currently her number one priority and no one can change that except her . There is no point asking her not to drink in your house. You cannot trust her . You either ban her from the house ( a difficult thing to do ), or accept she will drink (ditto)
Pick your hard option and stick to it.
If your love for your mother means you don't feel comfortable banning her from the house, you need to accept she will drink ; put a lock on your bedroom door.
It might be hard but I would follow ThebookofRuth's advice and tell her she is not welcome unless she gets sober
What does your stepdad say about her behaviour?
Wow that's a LOT of booze. Aside from everyone else's concerns about yiur safety, the fact that you're even wondering if you're being unreasonable demonstrates that at some level you're starting to normalise this, and as you (and I) know, that way lies relapse.
Op please look after yourself.
That is a serious amount of alcohol. I really would tell her she needs to leave today, I wouldn't tell her you are struggling with giving up, I'm sure she would prefer you to drink as much as her.
Get them OUT of there op!
That is not a normal amount of alcohol! I would be very wary of that around my dc!!
What if she goes to pick up dd when your back is turned and drops her/hurts her because she's drunk!?
C. 55 units of alcohol in one evening is an indication of a serious addiction.
She needs help/treatment.
Does she have awareness of her problem?
Have you used the word alcoholic to her face?
I think you should contact al-anon for support.
Jesus Christ op that's a huge amount to drink.
Agree with all the others you need to protect both yourself and your dcs.
Your dm needs help and am sure you can offer it but not at the expense of your own and your dcs expense and well being.
Awful for you. She's a serious liability.
That is a serious alcohol problem and if that is a typical amount for your mother to drink then she has a serious alcohol problem and needs helps urgently (although unless she's willing to accept that there's a problem then it's unlikely to be helpful).
As for her staying with you are completely fair in asking her not to drink whilst she is with you, although given the extent of her alcohol addiction I suspect she won't be able to manage it. I'd suggest being clear with her that the remainder of her stay will be alcohol-free and remove any alcohol you have around the house. If
when she starts drinking make it clear you will be asking her to leave.
What does your step-dad say about all this? Surely he can't think her drinking to this extent is normal?
That is a serious amount of booze. If she suddenly stops she'll have alcohol withdrawal fits. I have an alcoholic DH (who is in recovery) who at his peak was drinking 4 bottles of wine a day and had two seizures when he tried to stop by himself. He had a medical detox.
Anyway she needs to leave your house. What's your stepdad like?
Yanbu how awful for you and your little ones to be around that. She sounds like she has a serious problem. And wtf at asking your ds to pour her a drink. I would be livid. Just thinking of my own classy mum who would be horrified at this, I really feel for you. If she can't behave like a responsible adult and around her gc then she needs to leave asap.
OP, you really can say no to her staying, or you can tell her that she can stay only on terms that she doesn't drink throughout the visit. But the reality is that she will be totally unable to do that, because she clearly is an alcoholic. I think you need to tell her and your stepfather that they cannot stay unless she agrees not to touch a drop, and you need a conversation with both of them about the fact that she is killing herself and needs treatment. If that is her normal intake her liver must be very close to destroyed already.
19lottie82 Jesus, that's a LOT of alcohol. When I saw the thread title, I thought you might be being a bit precious over your DM drinking a bottle of wine on a Friday night. There is no way I'd allow anyone to stay in my house and consume that amount of alcohol, sorry.
Pretty much exactly what I was going to say.
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