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To be annoyed with step daughter-2nd pregnancy.

(91 Posts)
simplesusan Sun 09-Aug-15 19:53:15

Hi there.

I am prepared to be flamed for this and know there are bigger problems in the world but I need to get it off my chest.

DSd is 18. She has a baby under 1 year old, it was a mistake she claims. She told her dad that the pill she was taking failed and that her partner used a condom and that ripped too.

She is no longer with the baby s dad and has a very volatile relationship with him played out for all to see on social media.
She was 16 when she got pregnant and had not been with her boyfriend long.

Neither of them work.

She is always asking her dad for money to buy things and will not consider or entertain the possibility of buying used things for herself or the baby. Everything has to be expensive and new.

She owes her dad money and promised when he lent it to her that she would pay it back at x amount per week. She now says she cannot afford it and quote ' has had to go into her overdraft to buy cigarettes.'

Well now to the problem. Within the space of 4 months she split with the baby's dad( not the first time they have split),met a boy who she claimed on social media was the 'love of her life'. Ended the relationship with this boy and got back with the baby's father. Got engaged to the baby's father, her father and I found out through social media. Booked a wedding, telling us to save the date. Split with him, met someone else and got pregnant to him within a matter of weeks rather than months.

Again she has told the entire world all about it.
She has now lost the baby and is 'devastated' although she told her father it was another mistake as the pill had, yet again failed.

She will no doubt get pregnant again , I'm certain of that.

On the day that she told her father she was pregnant again, she asked us to collect her from the latest boyfriends and take her to boyfriend number one to collect her baby.

Here is the thing.

The last thing we knew she was involving the courts to try and stop boyfriend number one from having access to the baby yet now he is a convenient babysitter, she dumps the baby there overnight do that she can spend time with her latest boyfriend.
The reason I am angry with her Is that she called her dad in tears screaming and crying thst boyfriend one would not let her in the house to gave be baby back saying she was an unfit mother and he wanted to look after the child.

Her dad had to leave work early to go and help her and got a serious rollicking from his boss over it.

Now she dumps the child with the so called unfit first boyfriend to basically spend the night with botpyfriend number 3!

Sorry thst this is long.

I have told dp to have a serious word with her.

How on earth can she bring another child into this situation .

She hardly knows the latest boyfriend whom I should add already has a child and is quite a bit older than her.

She refuses to let us meet him claiming that we won't like him.

How will she support another child?

She has asked us to contribute to an expensive item for her baby's first birthday and I have said no.

I worked 6 days a week when my dd was born and her father worked full time too and we made do with 2nD hand items

Her dad has admitted to me that he daren't say anything to upset her.
Ever time he voices his opinion she stops all contact and that includes with our grandson and my dp adores

I don't know what I'm asking and wonder if I'm just an old fashioned fuddy duddy, but it all seems so wrong to me.

I haven't asked my friends as quite frankly we are both embarrassed by her behaviour.

UrethraFranklin1 Sun 09-Aug-15 19:56:53

Your problem isn't with her. She's an adult with a kid of her own and can make her own choices, stupid and irresponsible as they are.
Your problem is your husbands inability to say no to her and stay the hell out of the Jeremy Kyle mess she's made for herself.

Stop being so involved.

FitzgeraldProtagonist Sun 09-Aug-15 20:05:00

Immature and selfish of her. But cannot think for a second about what can practically be done, beyond withdrawing financial support.

You sound v frustrated as well you might. But your tone of sceptisim over her devastation at pregnancy loss and snobby/snidely attitude to Facebook etc (I am going to assume you mean Facebook but refer to it as 'social media' to rise above the concept despite clearly having access to her posts) is very distasteful. Yes her father needs to intervene, no it won't go well. She is an adult and will make and learn from her own mistakes. Time and looking back and cringing (her) and all the associated hard lessons will be all that change her I expect.

Dad 1 sounds switched on enough to access the courts for contact, deal with overnight co tact and call your dsd on being less than optimum-that's good. As is your Dh being there for his DGS. She won't withdraw contact forever-she needs a babysitter too much I expect.

simplesusan Sun 09-Aug-15 20:07:30

I understand what you are saying urethane but it is hard not to be involved.

Because of her situation, or maybe the type of person she is, our seeing her and the baby always seems to have a condition attached to it.

It used to be can you take boyfriend one to x when you come.

Latest was pick me up, take me to x so that I can collect the baby.

Maybe we should just say no but that would result in her stopping all contact as she done in the past over very minor things.

ollieplimsoles Sun 09-Aug-15 20:09:42

Distance yourself from this mess op, yes she is irresponsible and needs help to sort her life out by the sound of it.

But its your dh's mess to sort out with his daughter. I would be annoyed if the money was was demanding was your family money to feed and clothe your own dc, and would probably say something.

But otherwise stay out of it, or ot will start to come between you and your dh

ollieplimsoles Sun 09-Aug-15 20:10:42

Where is her mother op and what does she think of the situation if anything?

StarlingMurmuration Sun 09-Aug-15 20:14:02

YABU to be sceptical about her grief at losing her second child, even if it were unplanned.

Bellebella Sun 09-Aug-15 20:15:47

Oh dear she is making very bad decisions for herself. My younger sister was a bit of a tear away when she was younger, had a few miscarriages by different boys, got herself in trouble. However when she did carry my niece to term when she was 20, it was the making of her.

I think your oh needs to be firmer and have a serious chat to her.

I would stay out of it to be honest, it will only create resentment between you and your oh. Let him get on with it, you have told him what he should do.

whattheseithakasmean Sun 09-Aug-15 20:19:30

What is her relationship with her mother like? Can your DH and her mother get together to discuss their concerns with her - was the divorce civil and can they be a united parenting front? She sounds like she is running bit wild. You need to step back and leave it to her parents, as much as possible.

FabULouse Sun 09-Aug-15 20:20:40

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TendonQueen Sun 09-Aug-15 20:21:55

Agree with Fitz, she may withhold contact for a while but she'll fold when she needs help. You could offer to pick up the baby yourselves and then have contact without needing to hear all the drama.

simplesusan Sun 09-Aug-15 20:22:47

Fitz yes I do mean facebook but no I am not a friend of hers on there.

The truth is her dad sees her posts as does my dd who asked me if she was pregnant again.

Yes I might be a snob. I just think it is wrong what she is doing she also posts about how much money she gets for not working. Again my dd told me this.

We do not babysit for her ( her dads choice) her mother does to a ridiculous level, she lives with her. She was the one doing all night feeds etc but that is her choice.

It was her dad who held out the olive branch after she withdrew access the first time.

This was after her screaming that she wanted to go out partying like other teenagers and her dad was the one who stated that she was a mother now so her life had changed.

Result was being told not to contact her ever again and that we should go to hell.

I suggested dp be the better person and make the first move.

Think the work thing got to me as he almost lost his job over it and yet she is dumping her baby there with the man who is such a bad dad .
Her response when told her father got into trouble was the it was his own fault for going to help her!

Ineedtimeoff Sun 09-Aug-15 20:22:52

My first worry would be for the child. It doesn't sound like a very good environment for the child. You say that she has a volatile relationship with the babies father. What exactly do you mean by that? Is there violence? Even if it is just shouting it's still a toxic environment for that child to be in.

Where do they live? What are their living circumstances like? Is she able to provide for the child in other ways? provide a stable and loving environment ?

BoyScout Sun 09-Aug-15 20:23:41

It must be very difficult for you to watch her lurch from one bad decision to another.

What can you do? Nothing much. Limit how much money you give her. Only lend her what you are willing to lose. Refuse to get involved in the minutae of her dramas.

Is the child loved and well cared for? That's the important thing.

NaiceVillageOfTheDammed Sun 09-Aug-15 20:25:23

I know what's it's like to watch someone make poor decision after poor decision with no regard for children.

My honest advice...
Bite your tongue
Babysit as much as possible, especially on weekends. She will come to expect rely on it
Make friends with the child's father

You can offer all the advice but if DSD won't listen there's not much you can do. So best make sympathetic noises.

What you can do is be there for your DSGD. Offer a stable refuge to the situation.

QuiteLikely5 Sun 09-Aug-15 20:26:06

What a farce. Is it possible for you to step back. The situation is very stressful but beyond your control. That is why any time you spend on it will cause you grief.

Men, I notice say time and again they give in so that they can stay in touch. That's just their excuse for being weak and not addressing the root cause of things.

I personally think her actions have been shocking. I would avoid her at all costs and ask your dh not to update you about her latest instalments.

wafflyversatile Sun 09-Aug-15 20:28:09

I'd consider supporting the child's dad in getting custody.

Ineedtimeoff Sun 09-Aug-15 20:31:37

that child is going to need all the help it can get. don't think of baby sitting as something you do for your DSD but that you are doing for the baby. be there for your DSGD in anyway you can.

simplesusan Sun 09-Aug-15 20:33:47

Her mother is a nice woman but has a very different approach to both me and her father.

After the screaming because she could not go partying like other teenagers her aunty who was there at the time, told me that her mother has never disciplined her. Even to the extent that when she refused to go to school her mother was fine with that.

She most probably conceived her first child in her mothers house, as the mother deemed it was fine for him to live there when his own family kicked him out.

She was 16 at the time and they shared a double bed.

The last boyfriend was allowed to sleep there in her room ( double bed) I know this because she got her dad to pay for it claiming she had nowhere to sleep, within less than 10 days of her first meeting him.

Call me old fashioned but I do not allow my own children to behave like this and dp agrees with me.

He does not agree with his ex wife's parenting style but is told to mind his own business as it is her house.

ollieplimsoles Sun 09-Aug-15 20:34:40

I agree- babysit when you can for the child's sake, but do not give her money for anything.

simplesusan Sun 09-Aug-15 20:35:40

Yes I also feel that the first dad is unfairly treated.

I do feel sorry for him and would hate anyone to treat my own son like this.

simplesusan Sun 09-Aug-15 20:41:12

She does love her baby and so does the dad.

But if her mum is not there then there is no food in the house.

She tells us that she cannot afford to buy food yet then tells me how she gets her ex ( first baby's dad) to buy her foundation costing £30 and names the brand.

I've never spent that in my life.

AyeAmarok Sun 09-Aug-15 20:43:45

Urgh, what a mess. I'd keep as far out of this Jezza K scene as it's possible to be. Buy Christmas and birthday presents by all means, but that's it. No lifts, no facilitating this soap opera any more.

Ragwort Sun 09-Aug-15 20:53:06

Distance yourself, we have family like this - for years we tried to 'help', gave money, space to stay, tried to help get on educational courses, cared for the baby etc etc etc - it got nowhere, three children now (all different fathers, no involvement) - court cases, social service intervention, one child removed from mother - it's horrific, you couldn't make it up and whatever you try to do it won't be the 'right' thing. sad

penisland Sun 09-Aug-15 21:03:27

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